Woes of a Potions Master

Disclaimer: All recognizable characters belong to JKR. All situations are mine. No $$$ is being made from this fanfic.
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Chapter 4 ~ Fred and George Weasley – Problem Solvers


Well, if Severus didn’t want to be seen entering the Weasley’s joke shop, he failed miserably because the place was packed with shoppers and browsers. His best hope was to be lost in the crowds.

The Potions Master looked around the busy establishment. People were examining and trying out products, despite the posted warning signs of “Try at Your Own Risk” and “I Wouldn’t Try This If I Were You.”

Severus started as a witch opened a small globe called a “No-No Ball” and began to writhe around as boils and pustules erupted on delicate parts of her body. The eruptions only lasted about two painful minutes before she was restored to normal. The witch quickly dropped the globe back into its box and walked away. Curious as to what such a thing could possibly be used for, Severus walked over and read the sign. “No-No Ball. Teach Snoopers a Lesson. Guaranteed Results.” Severus picked up a globe and looked at it closely. A small label taped on the side of it said, “Private. Do Not Open” An image of the globe with a red “X” over it was next to the label. No nosey person would be able to resist it.

For a moment, Severus considered buying one for Hermione. She was a nosey little snooper. Of course, she claimed she was just “inquisitive.” The Potions Master smirked at the thought of his ‘inquisitive’ wife opening the globe and getting what she deserved, but put it back. He was in enough hot water with Hermione.

Severus walked through the shop, his black eyes peeled for either Fred or George. He didn’t see either. There were several sales assistants however. Every single one of them was busy with a customer. The line at the checkout counter was several shoppers long, and getting longer every second. Severus hadn’t realized that the twins conducted so much business. He had always assumed that Fred and George had made a bad decision when they quit school and started a joke shop. It just didn’t seem like a very secure pursuit, plus, the twins were brilliant. Either of them could have become a competent Spells Master and secured a fine position in the commercial or private sectors. Something far more respectable than joke shop proprietors.

But as he squeezed by patron after patron and looked around the wildly successful shop, it was evident to the Professor that the young wizards had been right to follow their hearts. Fred and George had been tricksters and troublemakers throughout their tenure at Hogwarts. If degrees could have been given for creating mayhem, pandemonium and bedlam, the twins would have graduated from Hogwarts Magna Cum Laude.

Next to a display of cellophane wrapped Canary creams, two young wizards of about eight or nine looked around stealthily as one of them surreptiously opened one of the luscious looking pastries and took a bite. Instantly he turned into a large, yellow canary. He flapped his wings wildly and let out a huge squawk of surprise as his accomplice fled.

A red-haired head popped out from a doorway behind the counter and pointed a finger at the distraught bird.

“Oy there! You bite it, you buy it!” Fred said as the bird tried to flutter away. It crashed right into George, who pinned its feathers down as it twittered frantically. Suddenly it molted and the young wizard stood there, wrapped in George’s long arms.

“That’s seven sickles. Pay up,” George said as the boy fished in his pockets and produced the coin. George took the money and escorted the boy to the front door. Fred appeared holding his accomplice by the collar, also ushering the boy to the exit.

The twins shoved them both out the door. The two wizards immediately took off running.

“And don’t come back here without your mum or dad!” Fred called after the fleeing boys.

“You do, and we’ll use you for test subjects!” George added, watching the two young wizards hastily turn the corner.

The twins looked at each other, grinned and shared an elaborate handshake before pulling their heads back inside and closing the door. When the two brothers turned to go back to their office, they found themselves face to face with the Potions Master. He was looking at them with an arched eyebrow.

“I wondered how you two managed to test your ‘products,’ the Potions Master said silkily. “Abducting unsupervised children. Not a very Gryffindor-like act.”

Fred and George looked at him.

“Actually, the Sorting Hat wanted to put us in Slytherin. It was lucky we got a gander of you first,” Fred smirked.

“Yeah,” George agreed, “Having you as our head of house would have been like dipping our wickets in ice-water, know what I mean? So we told the hat to put us in our father’s house. Plus our parents would have had bugbears if we were sorted into Slytherin So if we’re not very Gryffindorish…that’s the reason, Professor.”

Severus had never known he'd been saved from being saddled with the Weasley twins, but was extremely glad they had ‘got a gander’ at him and asked to be put in Gryffindor House. He saw what hell McGonagal had gone through trying to keep the boys under control. He would have had them in body binds for most of their school year.

Fred looked at the Potions Master.

“So Professor, what brings you to our shop? I never took you as the jokesy type,” he said.

“Everybody’s the jokesy type, Fred,” George said, eyeing the Potions Master, “I bet the Professor here would go for our “Licorice Whips and Candy Chains” line.”

Fred laughed as the Professor scowled at them both. Every one assumed he was into bondage for some reason. Actually he didn’t know if he was or not. Hermione often made him mad enough to want to tie her down, but he had never done it. He usually waited until they had sex to work his anger out. He was built so he didn’t need a whip to beat her, that was for sure. He had a pole for that. A big pole.

“Actually, I am in need of your ‘special’ talents,” the Professor said. “I have a problem at Hogwarts that I cannot seem to rectify on my own, or get assistance with. I was hoping that if I told you what I had in mind, you could design a ‘joke’ that could help me.”

Fred and George looked at each other. They knew that the Professor had to have his back up against the wall to have come to them for help. They were curious to know what in the world could shake him up so much that he would set foot in their shop.

“All right, Professor, step into our office and tell us what your problem is. We’ll see what we can do,” George said, gesturing toward the counter. The three wizards headed for their business office, Fred leading the way, Severus following and George bringing up the rear. They entered the office, and George closed the door behind them.

The Potions Master took a seat at a long table with several chairs on either side of it, looking around the office. There were a number of file cabinets filled to overflowing, a number of joke prototypes sitting on shelves, some awards hanging crookedly on the walls, and two desks in opposite corners, presumably where the twins worked when not giving consultations. George and Fred sat on the other side of the table and looked at the Professor expectantly.

“All right, Professor…spill it,” Fred said, leaning forward. He just knew this was going to be good.

He was right.

Severus scowled at the twins as they struggled to stand up after tumbling out of their chairs one after the other, gripped by uncontrollable laughter. Tears streamed down their faces as they clutched at each other for support. Just as they seemed to get themselves under control, they looked at the scowling Potions Master, and dissolved against into sidesplitting mirth.

“Sna…Snape…Snapelets?” Fred gasped, holding his gut as if it were about to spill all over the floor.

“Seven Potions Master posers snarking all over Hogwarts, that’s just tooooo rich. Man, Fred…I wish we would have thought of that,” George guffawed, holding his stomach as well.

Severus dropped his head and pinched his nose, eliciting a new round of hilarity from the twins. If he didn’t need their help so badly he would have hexed them quite nastily. The wizards laughed for a good half hour before they were able to begin their consultation. And even then they broke out in snickers from time to time. But as Severus explained exactly what he wanted the joke to accomplish, the twins’ eyes went from mirth to interest and respect.

“That is bloody brilliant, Professor,” George said, impressed. “Who would have thought you had it in you?”

“What a row that would cause,” Fred said, rubbing his hands together in glee. George nudged him in the ribs. Fred sobered and looked at the Professor with slightly narrowed eyes.

“However, Professor…we are pretty backed up in our research…it might be months before...” Fred began.

Severus reached in his pocket, plunked the bag of galleons on the table and slid it over to George, who opened it and whistled. Fred peered into the bag then continued.

“As I was saying Professor it might be a few days before we can get back to you, but we’ll get together on this immediately,” Fred said, smiling broadly.

George walked to a shelf and picked up a transparent blue ball and brought it over to the table. He offered it to Severus.

“Give us a look, Professor,” George said. Severus looked at the globe suspiciously. He wasn’t about to take anything from the twin without knowing what it was and what it did.

“What is it?” Severus asked, his black eyes flicking over the ball. It looked harmless, but with Fred and George, you never could tell.

“It’s a Legilimency Globe. All you have to do is hold it and concentrate on a thought and we can see it. It only shows what you are thinking about…we can’t sift through your mind. We want to see the Snapelets,” George said, as Fred nodded his head enthusiastically.

“No,” Severus scowled, folding his arms sullenly.

“Aw, come on Professor. It’s not like it’s a secret or anything. Otherwise Fred and I will have to go to Hogwarts to see them. We have to do research a little. We need to see them in order to tailor this joke properly,” George urged.

Severus sighed.

“Very well,” he said, taking the globe.

He imagined the Snapelets walking in formation into the Great Hall. He looked down at the globe and didn’t see anything. But Fred and George collapsed in great, heavy gulps of laughter, tears of mirth once again streaming down their faces. Then Fred looked back at the globe and his expression got serious.

“How’s Hermione, Professor?” he asked the Potions Master, “She doing all right?”

“Yes, she’s fine,” Severus replied, his eyes going a bit dark.

“Good, good,” Fred said studying him as George got a look at the globe and sobered also.

George’s brown eyes shifted to the Professor’s face for a moment, then he said, “Here, Professor…let me take that.” He took the globe out of the wizard’s hands.

Both wizards looked at the Professor, and then each other.

“You think we ought to George?” Fred asked him in a low voice.

George looked at the Potions Master speculatively, “Yeah, Fred. We married types got to stick together. He needs help.”

Severus’ eyes shifted from twin to twin, trying to figure out what they were talking about. Both wizards turned to him.

“Professor Snape, we are going to help you out…not because we particularly like you, but because we are all subject to the whims of our wives, and it seems Hermione has given you a short end,” George said.

Severus frowned and was about to tell the obnoxious twins to mind their own business when Fred held up his hand.

“Now wait, Professor. What we are about to give you is something that many men would kill to have. You want to get your wife back, right?” he asked the Potions Master.

Severus scowled. “What do you know about…?” he started to ask Fred.

“It popped up in the globe after the Snapelets. It is surprising how quick a situation shows itself. Your situation seems hilarious at first…but then when we saw how bad it really was, and what happened with Hermione, we thought you’d benefit from something we developed to handle our own sweet but willful, selfish little wives. Before you say no, just let us show it to you,” Fred said.

He walked over to a shelf and brought Severus what looked like a doll made out of jade colored wax. It was a pretty big doll. At least eighteen inches tall. He knew it was female because it had breasts, and a cleft between its thighs, but there were no distinct facial features or likeness.

“What is this? It looks like a voodoo doll,” Severus said, turning it over in his hands. He noticed that while the entire doll was hard, the belly of it was soft and pliable.

“No, it’s not a voodoo doll. It’s a joy doll,” George grinned.

“Yeah,” Fred said, “You can’t use it to give the victim pain…only joy. Pleasure.”

“From a distance,” George said, grinning wider and waggling his eyebrows.

Severus looked up at them for a moment, then back down at the doll.

“It comes in handy when the wife puts you into the ‘No touching, No fucking Zone,’” Fred said. “You can use it to get her motor running and throw her into drive. You touch it a certain way, she feels it.”

Severus turned the doll upside down and looked between the waxen legs. Sure enough, there was a hole there.

Severus looked up at them, shocked.

“No,” he said in disbelief, pointing at the hole.

“Oh yes…she’ll feel that too,” George said.

“And it won’t hurt her?” Severus asked.

“Nope. If you try sticking pins in it or breaking its limbs, or do anything violent to it, the doll simply ceases to work at all. You lose the ability to use it any longer,” Fred said.

Severus stared at the doll for a moment, then he looked back up at the twins.

“How do you invoke it?” he asked.

“Well, only married men can use this doll first of all. And you can only set it to your legal spouse. What you need to do is stick something that belongs to her in the soft part of the doll’s belly. It will harden and take on some of the physical attributes of your wife, such as her hair color and eye color. The body will conform too, though it will still remain jade colored. Anything you do to the doll that is pleasurable to do to your wife, she will feel it. She won’t know it's you however. The idea is to make her hot enough to want to come to you. Or if she won’t come…get her off anyway,” George said.

George walked over to his desk and took out a doll. It had blonde hair and was quite shapely.

“My wife,” he said to the Potions Master. Fred and George had married twin sisters.

“Now watch this,” George said. “Show me my vision of beauty.”

An image of a witch appeared in front of him. She was blonde, shapely and very pretty. She was sitting at a desk in an office setting.

“My wife,” George said again, gesturing toward the floating image. “She’s at work.”

He grinned wickedly as his wife sorted through some parchments.

Severus was enthralled. This was amazing. He looked down at the doll he held in his hands again then back at George, who licked the neck of his doll.

The image of the witch kind of tilted her head a little, her eyes going hot for a moment. Then she looked around rather startled.

Fred and George snickered. Fred looked at his brother.

“I dare you,” he said, his eyebrows raised.

George stared at his wife for a moment, then he slowly looked at Fred.

“All right, but just once. I don’t want everyone to see what she looks like when she…you know,” George said as he took his finger and slowly inserted it into the doll.

Severus watched as George’s wife’s mouth dropped open, and her head flew back, her eyes slitting with pleasure. There was no sound but Severus was sure she let out a groan as she shifted sexily on the chair. George removed his finger, his eyes hot as he looked at his wife, who was looking around crazily, and fanning herself.

“I’ll have to continue that later,” he breathed. Then George cleared his throat and looked at Severus.

“You can take that with you, Professor,” he said, his voice a bit hoarse as he looked at the image of his bewildered wife. He had quite an erection going on. The Potions Master had to admit the wizard’s wife was quite hot when aroused. It made him think of Hermione.

“My vision is complete,” the twin rasped. The image of his wife faded.

“Go ahead and take it, Professor. And don’t worry about Hermione finding out about it. If she ever lays eyes on it, it will self-destruct so quickly your wife will think her eyes were playing tricks on her,” Fred said.

Severus looked down at the doll. These two wizards were geniuses.

“Are you going to market these dolls to the public?” Severus asked. They would make a fortune if they did so.

“No. Not feasible. Too many wives would find out and they would know their husbands were behind the delicious episodes. The dolls would become useless. We only give them away to husbands who have a need for them, and who are discreet. Our little contribution to the “save your marriage” movement,” George said.

“You know what I find interesting?” Fred said, “I’ve been pleasuring my wife this way for the past year, and she has never once told me about her experiences. She hides it from me.” He smiled then. “But that’s all right, because then she gives me ‘I’m guilty’ sex, and lets me do anything I want any way I want. So it all works out in the end.”

Severus stood up. He looked at the two wizards.

“I don’t know what to say,” the Potions Master said. This was a real gift they had given him. Access to his wife.

Fred and George waved him off.

“Then don’t say anything. That bag of gold has said it all. We’ll contact you by owl when we have the completed product. It shouldn’t take more than two weeks,” Fred said. “Oh, and when you start using that doll, it’s best to start out when she’s sleeping. Then she’ll think it is a dream and take it better. If you have a light touch, you can get away with some daytime pleasuring. Eventually you’ll have her conditioned.”

Severus nodded, and then did something he rarely did. He shook hands with both wizards. Fred and George looked a little surprised but shook the Potions Master’s hand firmly, smiling at him.

“You better reduce that doll,” Fred said as the Potions Master started to leave the office. He was clutching it like it was the most precious object in existence. Severus muttered an incantation and the doll was reduced to pocket-sized. It wasn’t lost on either George or Fred that he had done it wandlessly.

They walked the Professor to the door and thanked him for his patronage, reassuring him they would be in contact soon.

They closed the door behind him and looked at each other.

“Snapelets?” they said together before dissolving into puddles of hysterical laughter, Fred swearing he was going to piss his pants.

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A/N: Well, well. Fred and George seem to hold all the answers, don’t they? Sneaky little devils. Don’t ask me where the joy doll idea came from. Lolol. Normally joy dolls are supposed to give men pleasure. I guess these do actually. Ah well. Twisted is as twisted does I guess. At least it give me room to write some juicy fun. Please review.