To Fear Love Is To Fear Life…

Chapter 4


She attended the next meeting of the Order. Having difficulty accepting what she had done, she had no intention of sharing the past events with anyone, not even Harry and Ron. Harry and Ron greeted her with genuine affection and she returned it. They were her best friends and she loved them for this, but she knew they would not approve, let alone understand what she was doing. They took their seats as the meeting began.

It was revealed that there was an increase in activity in downtown London that led to the assumption of possible Death Eater activity. The Order made plans accordingly in anticipation for a possible attack. Even if there was no attack, they hoped they would at least be able to take a few Death Eaters into custody. Hermione immediately volunteered to lead the attack, but several members reminded her that she was still healing and suggested that she remain at home with her parents. She understood their concern, but suggesting she remain with her parents was a bit excessive. Outwardly she protested with looks of frustration. Harry and Ron placed a hand on her arms, holding her down, but inwardly she smiled. This just might be the information she needed to get further inside Voldemort’s inner circle.

When the meeting ended, Harry and Ron tried speaking with Hermione. They wanted to make sure she was okay, but as she had done in the past, she made her excuses and quickly left.

Over the next week, the Order’s plan took effect and increased the number of members in downtown London. On the seventh night from her initial meeting with Voldemort, she was summoned by him. Once again Hermione found herself in Death Eater attire. Placing the silver mask over her face, she touched the Dark Mark and instantly Disapparated.

Hermione appeared in a small circle of Death Eaters, all wearing identical masks so she couldn’t tell who was who, except for Voldemort. It was dark, too dark to identify her surroundings.

“My newest servant has returned,” he hissed as he glided to her. “Are you prepared to serve your new master?”

“I am prepared to serve you, my Lord, but Severus Snape is my only master,” she hissed back. One thing she vowed was not to betray her cause in search for Severus.

Voldemort raised his wand and yelled, “Crucio!” Hermione’s body dropped to the ground and convulsed as she screamed in agony. Her mask fell off. Never had she felt such pain. He stopped the curse and asked her again, “Who is your master?”

“Lord Snape.”

“Crucio!” She screamed again. Her legs shudder, her arms shook uncontrollably.

Again, he asked, “Who is your master?”

Hermione grabbed her cane and staggered to her feet as beads of sweat rolled down. Speaking slowly, she hissed, “My master is Severus Snape.”

Voldemort raised his wand again, but Hermione faced him, not flinching. Her heart was beating erratically and she feared he would curse her again, but instead he gave her an evil smile. “You do appear to be faithful to Severus. Now prove your faithfulness to me.”

“Yes, my Lord.” She informed them of the Order’s preparation for a possible attack in downtown London.

His eyes narrowed as he stepped closer to her. “How is the Order aware of this increase in activity?” he hissed to his servants. They all shook their heads, but three Death Eaters stepped back from the circle. It took seconds for the Dark Lord to have them under the Cruciatus. The three immediately confessed to their unsolicited activities in downtown London and Voldemort rewarded them with another round of the Cruciatus.

He then spun around to Hermione and entered her mind to confirm her information. Hermione had very little practice with Occlumency, so she knew to give him all that he had asked for the first time. When he was satisfied, he said, “You may leave.” Waving his wand, she instantly Disapparated.

~*~*~*~*~

Hermione returned to Severus’ rooms. She was in need of a healing potion from the Cruciatus curse, but unfortunately the only potion she found was for a dreamless sleep. She drank it all. After her betrayal, she didn’t want to dream about anything. Crawling into bed, she snuggled up against the worn pillow and cried until the potion took over.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The attack in downtown London took place a week later. The Order lost three members while no Death Eaters were lost. Hermione grieved those deaths, knowing she was the one who handed them to Voldemort. She hated herself, but she knew it was the only way to find Severus. Inwardly she was bitter that the Order had dismissed Severus’ disappearance as nothing to worry about, but to cause the death of another person, let alone a member of the Order was something she couldn’t stomach, yet her actions caused just this. Looking in the mirror, she didn’t recognize the person looking back at her.

That night Voldemort summoned his Death Eaters.

“Congratulations are in order,” announced Voldemort. “Our newest member has proven her loyalties. Tonight, we celebrate.” Voldemort pointed to Lucius.

Voldemort grabbed Hermione by the hair and announce, “Now, my servants.” ‘Cracks’ were heard across the night as they Disapparated. The Dark Lord jerked Hermione toward him and hissed, “You shall be mine to celebrate with.” And then they Disapparated.

Hermione found herself in a large, well decorated room with all the other Death Eaters. Most were removing their masks and robes. Several women were entering the room to join them. She immediately recognized Narcissa Malfoy, who went directly to her husband and stood by him with an arrogant smirk on her face. Most of the other women went to their spouses or significant others. The rest of the women worked the crowd, flirting with the unattached Death Eaters. Looking a bit closer, Hermione saw the Malfoy Crest over the mantle and realized she was finally here. Somehow she had to get away from…

Voldemort pulled Hermione closer to him and hissed, “You belong to Severus…and what belongs to my Death Eaters…”

“Belongs to you, my Lord.” Hermione nearly gagged as she spoke the words.

“How correct you are. We can’t have you flirting with the single men…” he said as he pulled her into another room. He roughly shoved her onto the couch, quickly spread her legs and waved his wand. She found herself naked from the waist down. Both fear and hatred consumed her, but she forced herself to accept him, hoping he would then leave her alone the rest of the night so that she could search for clues to Severus’ where about. She had no doubt Lucius was hiding him.

The Dark Lord lifted his own robes and entered her. She kept a straight face while maintaining eye contact. He thrust into her hard and fast and then released. She was quite relieved it was over so quick.

He stood up and straightened out his robes. Hermione stood up and her robes covered her naked, lower body.

“You are no longer needed.” He waved his wand and she Disapparated.

Hermione dropped to her knees, and vomited. Wiping the tears from her eyes, she spit the last of the rancid taste from her mouth. Getting to her feet, she realized she had Apparated into a small broom closet. Hearing different, inaudible conversations, she breathed with relief that she was still at the Malfoy Manor. She had anticipated Voldemort forcing the apparition on her, so she countered it at the last moment, hoping she would not get splinched. Making sure her entire body had appeared with her, she crouched down and waited until the celebration ended so that she could search for Severus.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Once the celebrations ended, Hermione placed a disillusionment charm on her and left the broom closet. She searched the manor until the early hours of the morning, making sure to detect and avoid any wards or house elves along the way.

Nearly four days had passed and there was no sign of Severus. She had tailed Malfoy every place he went, including the loo. She cringed at this, but did not put it past him to have a secret passage from here.

It was late into the night on the fourth day that Lucius left his manor. It was clear that he was sneaking out of the house, because he placed a silencing charm on himself so as not to awake Narcissa. He silently swept down the stairs and out the front door. Cautiously looking around, he Disapparated. Hermione was quick enough to take a hold of his persons, but as soon as they arrived at their destination, she Disapparated a good hundred feet from his so as not to be detected. She also placed several charms to prevent him from tracing her Apparition path.

Lucius had his wand drawn and looked around in all directions. Sensing he was not alone, he immediately Disapparated again. Loosing all hope, Hermione nearly cried when she saw him leave. She was so sure that he would her to Severus, but now… she looked around.

“Oh gods,” she whispered, “Spinner’s End – Severus…”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It was early the next morning when Hermione stripped her clothes and took the hottest shower possible while she cried. It took every ounce of strength she had not to scrub her skin off while trying to get the feeling of Voldemort off of her. She then changed the direction of the water and filled the bathtub. Sinking into the water, she sighed with relief. Severus was under the direct care of Madam Pomfrey and being protected by the Order.

As soon as she realized Severus was inside the basement, she had sent word to the Order. Mad-eye Moody, along with the Order, had spent hours trying to bring down the wards that Lucius set on the basement of Severus’ home, and finally Mad-eye gained access. Hermione shoved him out of the way and was the first to run into the basement, only to find him unconscious. His body was twisted, battered, bruised, laying in his own filth, but it didn’t stop her holding him. Looking down at the man she was holding, her own body began to trembling and then finally gave into a wave of emotions. She barked out orders to begin his transport all the while she cried. Even during transport she refused to leave his side. She whispered to him, encouraging him to hold on until they could get him to Hogwarts.

She demanded to stay with him, but Madam Pomfrey commanded that everyone leave so that she could attend to Severus. The only exception was Mad-eye, who swore to Hermione he would not leave Severus’ side. It was two hours before Madame Pomfrey sent word to her that Severus was physically healed and now sleeping.

Hermione got out of the tub, dressed for bed and waited for Madam Pomfrey to send word when Severus awoke. In the mean time, Hermione fell asleep.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It was late afternoon, but Poppy kept the infirmary dimly lit, so Severus could sleep better. His soft snores could be heard throughout the small room she had placed him in. During her examination of him, he was severely dehydrated and malnourished, but she didn’t worry as she had several potions that would take care of this along with his physical injuries. It had been a challenge, but she forced a dreamless sleep potion down him so that he could at least get some sleep.

It was late in the night when the Dark Mark burned. Both Hermione and Severus simultaneously sat up.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Standing in the circle of Death Eaters, wearing the required attire, Hermione and Severus stared at each other, but before either could say anything, the Dark Lord appeared. Dropping to one knee, they obediently bowed to him.

“Rise,” Voldemort commanded. He made his way to Severus. “Severus, you have decided to grace us with your presences. Tell me why I should not kill you and your Mudblood whore?” hissed Voldemort.

“My, my Lord,” responded Severus. Shakily he stood up. “Forgive me for being away for so long, I was unexpectedly detained.”

“Because of your need to be prepared for the unexpected, I have been well informed of the Order’s business,” rasped Voldemort. With Hermione by his side, Severus had some idea what the Dark Lord was referring to. “Therefore I will allow you to explain before I kill you.”

Voldemort looked around to make sure his Death Eaters were accounted for. Severus stared intently at Lucius, who quickly looked away.

“From what I understand, one of my Death Eaters is accused of detaining you. Is this true, Severus?”

“Yes, my Lord.” Severus respectfully stepped forward, allowing the Dark Lord to enter his mind. After several minutes, Voldemort broke off the connection and Severus stepped back.

“If I had known, Severus, I would have healed you myself. Instead, allow me to offer Lucius as your servant. Because of your loyalty toward me, Severus, I will grant your wish.” Voldemort snapped and Lucius Malfoy stepped forward, although not by choice. “It is in your every right to punish him as you see fit, Severus.”

Lucius looked up at him with pleading eyes. Without hesitation, Severus raised his wand and cast the killing curse. “Avada Kedavra!” Lucius’ body lay motionless on the ground. ‘That was for Hermione,’ he told himself.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“There she is,” whispered Harry, who was crouching down behind some brush. He had been very concerned about Hermione, so while they were transporting Severus to Hogwarts, Harry place a tracing spell on her.

“This can’t be,” whispered Ron, “How can she be a Death Eater?”

“She’s not!” hissed Harry, “It’s all part of a plan...” ‘Please let it be part of a plan’ he thought.

Harry had become gravely concerned about Hermione’s four day disappearance and then her suddenly discovery of Snape. It’s not that Harry didn’t trust Hermione, he just wanted to help her, but didn’t know how to approach her. She had become so distant from everyone and now he understood. He turned and sent a message to by Patronus to the members of the Order.

That night the final battle took place and the Order was victorious. As the victors cheered, Hermione quickly left to avoid confrontation.

After a lengthy conversation with Minerva, Remus, and Harry, Severus Disapparated to his private chambers at Hogwarts – the place Minerva revealed Hermione had been staying. Noticing his journal was sitting on top of his bed instead of where he left it, he quickly went to it and opened it. Surprised to see Hermione’s handwriting, he spent the next several hours reading it. Realizing what she had truly done for him, he set off to find her.

It didn’t take Severus long to find her. She had retreated to Spinner’s End, his home; the last place anyone would look for her. She froze as he walked in. His cold dark eyes bore into her, making her body shiver. He picked up a cantor of bourbon and unexpectedly threw it across the room, shattering it on the wall behind her. The glass and liquid sprayed all over her.

Quickly walking over to her, Severus grabbed her by the throat and slammed her against the wall. “What the hell were you thinking?!” he yelled. She didn’t fight him. She only held onto his wrist in defense.

“Why, Hermione?” he hissed.

“I had to,” she whispered.

“Do you realize you have brandished yourself for life?” he hissed. “What could have possibly possessed you to make such an atrocious decision?”

“You,” she whispered. Stunned, he let go of her and stepped back.

“What?”

Rubbing her throat, she stepped closer to him. “Severus, I did what I had to do.”

“There is nothing in this world that could justify you willing to take the Dark Mark, betray the Order, and allow the Dark Lord to touch you the way he did!”

“There is one reason,” she protested, “you.”

There was a glint in his eyes. “You’re speaking gibberish girl,” he snapped, turning away from her. She grabbed him by the arm, swinging him around to face her again.

“I did it for you!”

Jerking his arm out of her grasped, he spat, “And now you want a thank you I suppose? Only a fool would take the Dark Mark.”

Hermione rolled up her left sleeve and step around so she was facing him again. Shoving her Dark Mark in his face, she said sternly, “Look at it, Severus. Take a good look at it. You and I both have the same mark, clearly for different reasons, but they are there. The only difference is I don’t regret taking mine. I did it for you and I would do it all over again…” And then she whispered, “I love you, Severus.”

His cold, dark eyes darted from her Dark Mark to her eyes. His hand reached out and his fingertips grazed her mark for only a fraction of a second before he recoiled. “Then you are a fool,” he snapped. But she didn’t see anger in his eyes – she saw fear.

She pulled her arm back and rolled her sleeve back down. “To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead,” she whispered.

Hermione stood in front of him. The emotions she had been forcing to stay deep inside of her were beginning to surface. Her eyes began to fill with tears. Dropping to her knees, she began to cry. Her body trembled as every emotion that she had buried now surfaced. All the hate and anger came out at once.

Time had past and when she couldn’t cry anymore, she looked up. It wasn’t until now that she realized Severus was on the floor, holding her. She closed her eyes and leaned into him as his arms embraced. She felt so safe, so secure in his arms. It seemed so long since she felt this way.

“I’m sorry, Hermione,” he said softly. His voice lacked the sarcasm and harsh tone she was used to. “I only wanted to protect you, but I failed.”

“You didn’t fail me Severus. You did everything you could to protect me.”

“How? Lucius raped you. The Dark Lord raped you. You now bare the Dark Mark. I failed you, Hermione.”

“I even have the mark of ownership. How many witches can say they have Severus Snape’s mark on their arse?” He was surprised by the bit of humor in her voice.

“Actually you are the only one to be branded with my mark. Maybe if I had placed it where Lucius could have seen it better, then he wouldn’t have… ”

“Severus,” she said, sitting up to face him, “You could have placed the damn thing between my eyes. The bastard was determined to rape me, mark or no mark.” He knew it was true, so he didn’t argue it anymore. Pulling her into him, he rested his cheek on her head. They were both silent.

Still holding her, he broke the silence. “I do love you, Hermione.” She smiled while biting her bottom lip. Her tears began to fall again. “And I am sorry.”

“I’m not,” she said softly. He pulled her back and looked curiously at her. “If none of this had happened, then I would never have known you loved me and I would have never realized that I love with you.”

He slowly shook his head from side to side. “Of course a Gryffindor would find the positive in such a tragedy.”

“Not just any Gryffindor, mind you, but a know-it-all,” she sneered. He sat up a little straighter and looked into her eyes. She was a know-it-all and she knew exactly what needed to be done. Severus didn’t realize until this moment that her actions were not senseless, but were well calculated and executed. He clearly had not given her enough credit for her decision. Remembering what she had told him earlier, his heart began to race at the prospect that she really did love him.

Placing his hand on her jaw, his thumb caressed her cheek. He lowered his mouth to hers, and slowly claimed her lips. She leaned into him and kissed him back. Realizing she was returning his kiss, he sucked in a quick breath of air. He kissed her again, this time closing his eyes. Images of her entered his mind, all of them being of her dancing with him.

Pulling back a bit, he whispered, “I do not dance.”

“Enter my mind again and you shall see that you do…” She leaned up and kissed him again and in her mind she showed him just how much she loved him.

Together they would find the strength and the courage to heal both physically and emotionally, but jointly they knew they would in fact heal while their love would only grow stronger.

The End

AN: Thank you so much for all of your reviews. I truly appreciate them all!

Hugs,
Corazon