Light on the Dark Side of Me

Title: Light on the Dark Side of Me
Author: cocoa-snape
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Harry Potter belongs exclusively to JKR...she is a goddess. I am making no money from this.

The Light on the Dark Side of Me
Chapter 4: Sacrificing a memory

Harry was making his way towards Dumbledore’s office, wondering why the Headmaster wanted to see him on the last day of the term. It was already late and the Hogwarts Express was departing early the next morning for London. Harry was hoping, although he knew better, that Dumbledore was going to let him stay at Hogwarts this summer, instead of sending him back to the Dursleys. He wouldn’t ask, of course, but he could still hope.

As he stepped into the office, he was surprised to find Professor Snape there, already seated. After sitting down, Dumbledore spoke first.

“Severus, Harry has expressed some things to me in our last meeting that I think we should discuss.”

Harry tried unsuccessfully to conceal the look of horror in his eyes. Had Dumbledore figured out that he had a crush on Snape? Was he crazy enough to bring it up?

“Professor—” Harry said, trying frantically to interrupt Dumbledore.

“It’s alright Harry,” Dumbledore said smiling. So it is true, Dumbledore mused, I guess I’m not that old after all. “Although I have opposed extra Defense Against the Dark Arts training for Harry in the past, I have reluctantly agreed to grant him his request of extra lessons.”

“I am loath to ask how this concerns me Headmaster,” Snape said.

“I’m sure you know the answer to that Severus,” Dumbledore said cheerfully.

“Surely Lupin would be a better choice,” Snape protested.

“You have a more intimate knowledge of Voldemort and what Harry will need to learn and prepare for. Also, your library on the Dark Arts and its Defense rivals that of all the wizarding schools put together, and with Durmstrang in the mix, that is saying something. Even being allowed access – supervised, of course – to your library would greatly benefit Harry.”

Dumbledore hesitated for moment, before continuing: “In addition to Defense training, he will need to be instructed in Occlumency. Perhaps this time, he will be more successful. Of course, we will have to make some excuse about why he is spending so much time down in the dungeons. Perhaps we can say that he is taking extra lessons with you in preparation for the Potions section of the Auror qualification exam.”

Not more Occlumency! thought Harry. The idea of Snape being able to probe his brain was never an appealing one, but now with these newly forming feelings it was downright terrifying. Snape would have a field day if he found out. He could only imagine the jokes and torture he would endure in Potions.

Snape was the first to protest the whole idea. “Headmaster, surely you are aware of the...difficulties with me continuing to instruct the boy.”

“Yes Severus, I had considered it,” Dumbledore said softly.

Harry looked from Dumbledore to Snape. He sensed Snape’s discomfort and suddenly understood. Harry spoke to Dumbledore. “This is my fault isn’t it, Professor? It’s about me looking at Professor Snape’s memories last year. Sir, maybe you should teach me instead.”

“Finally, after all these years, Potter has managed something sensible to come out of his mouth!” Snape said dryly.

But Dumbledore was not convinced. “Honestly, I believe that Professor Snape would be the best person to instruct you in these matters. If it was as simple as Professor Snape forgiving you for what happened this would be a simple matter.”

As if that’s ever going to happen, thought Harry and Snape simultaneously.

Dumbledore continued: “The problem Harry is that by doing what you did, you have disturbed the magical force between you and Professor Snape.” Sensing Harry’s confusion, Dumbledore continued: “Perhaps you are familiar with the Muggle concept of ying and yang?” Harry nodded. “Well the concept is very similar. You took something from Professor Snape, thereby transferring some of your magical energy to him. Since your offense occurred during Occlumency lessons, your magic is, shall I say, comprised, or adversely affected in this particular magical art.”

“In other words Potter, you would be an even more pathetic study in Occlumency than you were before,” Snape interrupted, adding with a sneer “IF that is even possible.”

Dumbledore put his hand up, silencing Snape. He spoke to Harry. “You would indeed find the lessons very difficult Harry. Therefore, we must consider a way for you to resolve this problem between you and Professor Snape to restore the magical balance. Some exchange perhaps?”

“Headmaster, you speak as though he ransacked my potions cupboard, which he has done on several occasions I might add, not invaded my thoughts, memories that were expressly set aside so that he might not see them. I can see no way that this intrusion can possibly be erased, unless Potter has his most shameful memories torn from him and examined for my amusement!” Snape spat angrily.

“Severus, please calm down. Sit please,” Dumbledore insisted.

“Okay,” Harry said.

“Okay what Harry?” Dumbledore queried.

“Okay, take it. Take my most embarrassing memory – will that square things between us?”

“I wasn’t serious Potter!” Snape said.

“I am,” Harry said.

“I have no desire to see the inside of your mind anymore than I already have,” Snape sneered. Snape looked over at Dumbledore’s pensive expression. The old codger is actually considering this, he thought.

“Oh I get it! You don’t want to restore the magic balance thingy or whatever. You want to have something to hold over me,” Harry said angrily.

“I don’t need to have anything more to hold over you, you impudent boy,” Snape said savagely.

“Gentlemen please,” Dumbledore interrupted.

“I cannot see how a memory of Potter being sat on by his idiotic muggle cousin is going to restore the balance,” Snape said.

“The memory itself is irrelevant Severus, you know that. It is the fact that Harry is willing to give it to you that is important. Now, I think Harry is making an admirable concession here. Do not take it lightly.”

“Headmaster, I don’t want to do this,” Snape said firmly.

“Of course you don’t. Maybe if we got this thing squared away you’d have to stop hating me,” Harry continued.

“Rest assured Potter, that will never happen,” Snape sneered.

Harry’s anger was overcome by shock and sadness. The idea that Snape actually wanted to hate him was almost too much for him to bear. He felt as though he were going to cry. Desperately, Harry willed his eyes to remain dry.

Snape noticed Harry’s odd reaction and was taken aback by it. He had not intended to have such vehemence behind his words. But why did Harry care what he thought of him?

“That’s not a very nice thing to say, Severus,” Dumbledore said chidingly.

“Of course Headmaster.”

“I think it is not me to whom you owe the apology.” But Dumbledore did not pause for it. “Harry your offer would most certainly restore the balance of magic between the two of you. Now, if you are still willing, the way this would work would be that I would extract the memory from you. But rest assured Harry, I shall not see it.”

“How will you know which one it is then?” Harry asked. Snape noticed the boy going quite pale. Dumbledore did not seem to pay it any heed.

“It will not be difficult,” Dumbledore said gently. “You are likely already focusing on the memory right now, it will be foremost in your thoughts.”

By now, Harry was sweating profusely. Despite himself, Snape began to wonder what this memory was.

”What’s the matter Potter, thinking of changing your mind? Is your Gryffindor bravery waning?” Snape said cruelly.

“Severus,” Dumbledore said sharply. “Please wait for me in my sitting room.”

“Of course Headmaster,” Snape said slightly annoyed and moved off to the sitting area.

“Now Harry, I’m going to extract the memory now and place it inside the pensieve. Since the train leaves tomorrow morning, I would ask that you leave the memory here over the summer.”

“So then I won’t have the memory at all?” Harry asked.

“Not at all Harry. What I propose is that after I extract the memory, you view it in the pensieve, hence creating a new memory of the old one. Now it will not be the same, of course, since this will be a memory of the events from the third person. But nonetheless you will retain the knowledge of whatever it is and after the summer, you will get your memory back. Does that sound acceptable my boy?”

“Yes Headmaster.”

“Excellent. Now let me just empty this out,” Dumbledore said, moving towards the stone basin. Dumbledore reached his wand into the pensieve and all the strands of silver congealed onto his wand. He carefully transferred them into an empty cobalt blue glass container that was sitting next to the pensieve. Slowly, he moved his wand up to Harry’s right temple. Harry closed his eyes. He felt a tugging sensation, and upon opening his eyes, he observed a strand of silver clinging to Dumbledore’s wand. Suddenly, he realized that he had no idea what the memory was that Dumbledore was transferring to the basin. The feeling was a bit unsettling – being aware that something was missing from his mind.

“I’ve extracted the memory, Harry and now I shall leave you to enter the pensieve and view it.” Dumbledore began to move away, but stopped and leaned closer to the boy: “Harry, you realize also that after viewing the memory, you may decide to withdrawal your offer of restoring the balance of magic in this manner. It is alright if you choose to change your mind. When you decide, Professor Snape and I shall be waiting for you in my sitting room.”

After Dumbledore stepped into the sitting room, Harry leaned over the pensieve and plunged the very tip of his nose into the silver pool. He felt that familiar tug as he was pulled into his own memory.

Dumbledore and Snape watched him from the sitting room.

“Headmaster, although I don’t mind seeing the boy suffer, this is really not necessary. Perhaps we can find a better way to rectify this situation,” Snape said, more kindly than he had intended.

“This is Harry’s decision not yours Severus,” Dumbledore said.

“Very well.”

“Although I must say, you do seem rather protective of him – I would think you would be eager to have him embarrassed as you were.” Dumbledore said, his eyes twinkling.

Snape was fuming: “I am NOT being, as you say, protective,” he said snarling the last word. “I simply have better things to do with my time than examining Potter’s sticky, and most likely tedious experiences.”

“Of course,” Dumbledore said, his eyes positively sparkling. “Let’s have some tea while we wait.” Dumbledore snapped his fingers and suddenly a pot of ginger honey tea and a plateful of cardomon scones appeared – Snape’s favorites.

After about 15 minutes, Harry walked into the sitting room, looking paler and more nervous than ever. He leaned against a chair for support before he spoke.

“Alright then. I guess I’m going through with this,” Harry said, somewhat uncertainly.

“Are you certain Harry?” Dumbledore asked.

“Yeah I just want to get this over with. But I do have a condition,” Harry added urgently.

“I’m certain you do,” Snape said, smirking.

“I want you to promise that you won’t tell anyone what you see.”

Snape snorted loudly. “Unlike some people, Potter, I respect the privacy of others.”

Harry looked up at Snape and said seriously: “I meant to tell you, but I never got the chance, I never told anyone about what I saw in the pensieve. Not even Ron or Hermione. And also, I wanted to apologize for looking in the pensieve in the first place. It was wrong and I’m very sorry.”

Even Snape could not hide the surprise on his face. He was dumbfounded. Had the Boy-Who-Lived just apologized to him? Not possible.

Dumbledore all but beamed. “Rest assured Harry, Severus will keep this to himself as well.”

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Three weeks had passed since Dumbledore had extracted Harry’s memory, and Snape had yet to come to his office to view it. That evening at dinner, Dumbledore and Snape found themselves alone. All the other staff were either on vacation or at their summer homes. Dumbledore was smiling at Snape, who pretended not to notice.

“Have you tried the pudding Severus? It is quite delicious.”

“I’m full,” Snape grunted.

“Are you ever planning on coming up to my office and viewing Harry’s memory?” Dumbledore inquired gently.

“Of course. I’ve simply been very busy, Headmaster.” Why hadn’t he viewed the memory yet, Severus wondered to himself. Last year he would have relished the opportunity – but somehow the look on Potter’s face had taken all the fun out of the idea.

“There is no one else here, Severus. Why must you insist on such formality between us?”

Snape sighed, “Of course, Albus.”

“You should do it soon. Harry will be here in two weeks to begin his lessons with you.”

“I don’t know why I’m even doing this, Albus. The boy is the worst Occlumens I’ve ever laid eyes on.”

“True, Occlumency may not be Harry’s strong suit. But perhaps a month of intense instruction before the term starts will set him on the right track. Even so, I’m sure he will excel in Defense – I think you’ll find him to be quite impressive, Severus.”

“Hmmph...we’ll see about that,” Snape snorted.

“Care to join me for a spot of tea?”

“No thank you Albus. I have work to do.”

“Well then, goodnight Severus,” Dumbledore said, moving away from the table.

“Albus...” Snape said stopping Dumbledore. “Perhaps I shall come by later and view the memory...and for that tea.”

“Of course,” Dumbledore said, a smile on his face.

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Snape took a deep breath and stared into the pensieve. He had already recited the proper incantation in Latin that would restore the balance of magic, now all that remained was to view the memory. Dumbledore had left him alone to finish the job. Personally, he didn’t believe this was really necessary. He never put much stock in the theories of magical energy balance. He had only offered it as an excuse to get out of the training the boy in the first place. But Potter had done the unthinkable and offered to restore the balance between them. Stupid boy! He knew he should get this over with. Even though he thought this whole process was a load of malarkey, Dumbledore did not and it was no use arguing with him. Snape took another deep breath and put his finger into the silvery liquid. After a strong pull, he was standing inside Number 4 Privet Drive.

He was inside Potter’s room, a small bedroom on the second floor, which it seemed could have not been anymore messy. Snape took notice of the calendar on the door. This was the summer after Harry’s fifth year, the summer after he had lost Sirius, nearly exactly one year ago. Snape was about to turn around to look for Harry when the door burst open and Dudley barged in.

“Oh! Don’t you ever get enough? I’m going to tell Dad you’re playing with it again!”

Snape did not want to turn around anymore. This is it?! A ‘caught in the act’ memory. How adolescent!

Snape heard Harry’s voice from behind him, “Go on then. See if I care.”

Dudley continued, “Why are you doing that anyway?”

What a strange question, Snape thought. I think it should be obvious why he’s doing that! But after a moment, Snape turned around to find Harry sitting in front of an open book, practicing wand movements. Snape was confused. Harry’s bed was littered in his worn fifth-year books, with sticky notes marking various pages. Potter must be bored, indeed! Snape was quite surprised to find that among them was his Potions text. Snape moved to get a closer look. The book was open to a section describing the properties of some of the key ingredients of Veritaserum. Interesting. Snape wondered about the other pages Harry had marked in his Potions text.

Harry answered Dudley, “Just going over some stuff.”

“Why are you reading this?” Dudley asked, grabbed the Charms text from Harry. “This book says it’s from last year? What, are you repeating?”

Harry responded quite calmly, “I’m trying to learn all the stuff that we never covered and the stuff I missed.” Or never bothered to learn in the first place, Snape thought.

“So you’re stupid then.”

“You would know about that, wouldn’t you Dudley,” Harry shot back.

Dudley then began tearing at the book, destroying the pages.

“Stop it!”

“Or what? I knew you were stupid. Mom told me your mum and dad were both half-witted...” Oh Potter’s not going to like that.

Harry pulled out his wand and pointed it at Dudley. “Take that back and give me back my book.”

“You can’t do underage magic! You’ll get in trouble,” the boy was saying, in a worried uncertain voice.

“Try me,” Harry spat. Potter’s got balls alright. But I already knew that.

The boy went running out of the bedroom, screaming “Dad, Harry pointed his wand at me. Dad!!” Imbecilic tattletale!

Harry’s uncle made his way hurriedly upstairs and met Harry in the hallway and screamed, “What did you do to poor Duddles? Did you point that thing at him?”

“I didn’t mean to. He was destroying my book.”

“And it’s a good thing too. I’m sick and tired of your books and your school and your friends.” Harry’s uncle grabbed a fist full of his unkempt hair and began dragging him down the hall back towards Harry’s room. “I will not stand for you disrespecting me any longer, boy. I take you in after your parents get themselves blown up and this is how you repay me?”

“I’m sorry Uncle Vernon.”

Harry’s uncle slammed the door shut and sat on the edge of Harry’s bed. “Come here boy,” he said motioning to his lap. Harry didn’t protest and moved over his uncle’s lap, as though he was accustomed to being spanked. Vernon began Harry’s punishment, which Snape thought was a bit overzealous, but who was he to question it? After all, Potter did have a discipline problem, he thought. After twenty strokes, Vernon moved to get up and knocked some of Harry’s books off the bed, including a magazine which fell open on the floor.

With a somewhat amused expression on his face, Snape recognized the content of the magazine – two men in a comprising position. Vernon did not seem at all amused and nudged Harry off of him as he reached for the magazine. Harry gulped.

“What is this?” Vernon yelled.

“I swear it’s not mine. I think one of my roommates slipped it into my trunk before we left.” The look on Harry’s face convinced Snape of his honesty.

Vernon did not seem to care. “How DARE you bring this filth into my house!”

“I swear it’s not mine!”

“Don’t lie to me boy! I knew you were one of those perverts. You’ve gone too far this time boy. Pull down your pants.”

“What? Please Uncle Vernon, I’m sorry.”

“Do it!” and with that Harry pulled his pants down over his hips quite easily given how they were three sizes too large.

Vernon pulled Harry to his lap. As he began pulling down Harry’s underpants exposing his bare behind, Vernon started unbuckling his belt. “I’ll teach you not to bring that filth into my house!”

“Uncle Vernon, what are you...”

Snape’s whole body stiffened. Oh Merlin, he’s not! He felt his throat go dry as he watched Vernon’s hand undoing his belt – he struggled for breath as his eyes locked on the man’s hand – and he stopped the memory. I can’t watch this...I can’t. Snape took a few deep breaths and tried to regain control. It can’t be what you’re thinking. Potter would have told Dumbledore. Snape adjusted his mental walls, focusing on calming thoughts as he tried desperately to clear the lump in his throat. This is not you, Severus, he repeated to himself. Your father is dead. Finish this. Snape opened his eyes and resumed the memory.

Vernon pulled his belt out of the loops, folded it in half and began hitting Harry with it. Despite himself, Snape sighed with relief.

“You’re a freak, boy!”

Harry was clenching his jaw very tightly from the blows of the belt, but made no sound.

“Say it...I want to hear you admit it. ‘I’m a freak’...say it!”

Another hard stroke with the belt and Harry forced out mechanically, “I’m a freak.”

“Again!”

“I’m a freak,” Harry repeated.

Vernon threw Harry off of his lap. “You make me sick. You’re disgusting, you know that?” he said and left Harry’s room taking the magazine with him.

After a few moments, tears began streaming down Harry’s face, who had curled in a fetal position and began rocking himself back and forth. Snape heard him whispering under his breath: “I know I am. I know I am.”

Suddenly Snape found himself standing in the middle of Dumbledore’s well-lit office. He was feeling quite unwell. Filthy Muggles! He pondered what he’d just seen. The physical abuse was over the top, no doubt, but it certainly wasn’t the worst he’d witnessed. It was the emotional abuse he was unable to shake – he had never seen Potter so despondent, so resigned. And it worried him. You’re worried about Potter? What is the world coming to?

Snape made his way down the spiral staircase and bumped straight away into Dumbledore.

“Albus,” Snape stated simply.

“Severus,” Dumbledore said, and not a beat later, “Is everything alright?”

“Of course.”

“Would you care to join me for some tea?”

“More tea? We just had some.”

“Won’t you please indulge an old man Severus,” Dumbledore said kindly.

After moving back up the staircase and taking their seats, Dumbledore poured Snape a cup and studied him carefully.

“Something has upset you, Severus.” Dumbledore asked.

Snape paused for a moment, unsure of what to say. “I...I’m fine.” A sharp look from Dumbledore made Snape reconsider his words. He spoke tentatively, “Albus, perhaps you should allow Potter to leave those Muggles for the rest of the summer if he wants to.”

Dumbledore was looking concerned now. “Harry is already at Grimmauld Place. He arrived there last night after spending the required 3 weeks at Privet Drive. He’ll be staying at the Order’s headquarters for two weeks. The Weasley family is visiting with him.”

Dumbledore could discern relief on Snape’s face and he asked seriously, “Severus, is there something I should know?”

Snape thought on that for a long moment. Of course Dumbledore should know. And he would be livid! But he had promised Potter that he wouldn’t share the content of the memory with anyone. And since Potter was not in immediate danger, it wasn’t really necessary to break that vow.

“Perhaps Albus, but I promised Potter.”

“Of course.” After a moment, Dumbledore added, “Severus, are you feeling alright?” his eyes full of renewed concern.

“Yes, Albus of course I am,” Snape lied. Foolishly worried that Dumbledore might invade his thoughts, Snape buried the dark memories that were uninvitingly resurfacing in his mind.

They sat in silence for a few minutes. Snape wondered why Harry hadn’t told Dumbledore about what had happened last summer – or anyone for that matter. He told me. He left that memory with me. He must think I’m horrible for leaving him there. Only a moment later Snape amended, No more horrid that he already thinks you are, Severus.

Dumbledore broke the silence, “I am going to headquarters tomorrow night for a meeting. I shall check on Harry. Would you care to join me?”

“No. No need,” Snape said dismissively.

“I shall tell him, Severus, that you were busy and that you’ve only just gotten around to viewing the memory tonight.”

He is reading my thoughts! Don’t be silly Severus...Albus always says he doesn’t do that. He is just too bloody perceptive for his own good!

“Thank you Albus. Goodnight.” As he made his way back to the dungeons, Snape wondered if he should speak with Harry about what he witnessed in the pensieve. He was beginning to wish he had told Dumbledore the specifics of the memory, so that he could have taken care of it.

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A/N: Thanks to everyone who has reviewed - please keep the reviews coming! You all are amazing! I'm so glad to find people who are so into a solid plot! (which I hope I am providing).

I will try to keep up the frequent posts - but I have currently have this gap in the middle of the story that I need to fill - but if I anticipate a delay, I will let you know.