Not Going To Let You Go

Title: Let Go
Author: Lilvior
Rating: R (possibly lower)
Summary: Lupin can’t handle the loss, depression goes a lot deeper than anyone realises.
Warning: Spoilers galore for OotP, but not for HBP. Character death. Naughty language. I sort of hint at some m/m, but don’t worry; nothing actually happens.
Archive: I would be honoured.
Disclaimer: I don’t own the characters, if I did, Sirius would still be alive.
Rant: God DAMN JKR that stupid woman. Okay, she evoked a reaction, which is exactly what she was trying to do; so maybe killing the best character in the series wasn’t a totally retarded move. But Sirius is – was – a hero! Couldn’t he have died a hero’s death? Jumping between Harry and Voldemort or something?
Anyway

<><><><><><><><>

There were no more meetings scheduled for a few days, so Remus was alone in the house that evening. He sat in Sirius’ room waiting for a visit, he was sitting there for a few hours before he realised he had to do something or he’d go mad.
He’d cleaned up the bathroom earlier that day, so it was in a good enough condition to have a shower in. He’d managed a quick wash the previous morning, but he still didn’t feel clean. Shucking off his robes, he climbed into the small cubicle and let the water run over his body.
It was strange, he could see the water, and on some level he was able to feel it, but for the most part it the drops seemed to be hitting the air around him or going straight through him. Somehow he thought he’d get out of the shower and find his skin bone-dry. Trying to brush off the odd sensation, he set about washing himself. After a while, the soap-suds started to get through to him, they stung his eyes and it was a nice feeling. Without thinking, he kept increasing the temperature of the water, appreciating the way it burnt him, grateful for pain. Suddenly he realised why Dumbledore and Snape had wanted to keep his wand away from him; he could only imagine how good it would feel to cut the skin that he was burning right now. Strangely, he didn’t seem to be able to track down where these weird urges were coming from. It couldn’t be the depression, he wasn’t depressed. It was probably a post-traumatic-stress thing, or it could even be relief. One thing he did know was that he wouldn’t be feeling this way if Sirius would just hurry his damn arse up getting here. As if on cue, a voice called out of the steam.
“Bloody hell!” Sirius cried, “Hot enough in there for you, Moony?”
Remus pulled the shower curtain around him,
“Shit!” he said, “Pass me a towel. You don’t just walk in on a guy while he’s naked!”
Sirius held out a towel, he was grinning.
“What, like I’ve never seen you naked?” He asked with raised eyebrows.
Remus groaned, somehow he knew that was coming.
Back at Hogwarts the Marauders had had a game; it was a lot like truth or dare, except it was more like ‘dare or dare’. The first dare would always be to put some horrible jinx on Snape, the previous ‘contestant’ got to choose the jinx and the forfeit. Sirius had won the last round, and he’d told Remus to do a stupidity curse. Unfortunately, Remus didn’t think that that was fair, he knew how much Snape prided himself in his extensive knowledge, and with a curse like this, there was always a chance that the victim would never get their brain back. So Sirius made the forfeit; all of Remus’ clothes were hidden in the astronomy tower, he had to run through the school in the nude, to retrieve them. He’d done it and luckily the only people who saw were his fellow Marauders and a couple of amused portraits.
“Well, I didn’t know it was you, did I?” Remus said, feigning grumpiness. To be honest, he was almost euphoric about seeing his friend again. “Anyway, couldn’t you have waited in the bedroom?” He tied the towel around his waist and stepped onto the cold floor.
“Oh, well I guess…” Sirius replied, he had a strange expression on his face; almost a mirror of the expression Remus was wearing. “To be honest, I thought you’d be pleased to see me even if I walked in while you were shagging someone.”
“Well, yeah, I’m happy to see you.” Remus said, opening the bathroom door and letting the steam follow him into the bedroom. “I was starting to wonder if maybe you were a figment of my imagination.”
Sirius laughed. Something about the laugh didn’t sound right, but Remus ignored it.
“So…” It was hard to think of a topic of conversation, they were standing in Sirius’ bedroom, where Remus now lived, Remus wearing just the towel around his waist, and Sirius acting as if everything were normal.
“Oh, I didn’t take the potion today.” Remus said.
“Good.” Sirius replied, sitting himself down on the bed. He didn’t look very comfortable.
“But I think I should probably take tomorrow’s dose, you see, I’m feeling really weird at the moment-”
“Don’t!” Sirius cried. “You can’t take it. Don’t you understand?” Remus shook his head, Sirius rolled his eyes. “That stuff is bad for your brain, just keep getting rid of it.”
The argument didn’t seem to make much sense, but Remus decided he would keep tipping the potion down the sink for as long as Sirius told him to, somehow he knew that there was more at stake here than he could possibly comprehend.
They chatted for a few hours, mostly about the old days, and the pranks they used to play.

Remus didn’t even notice he was getting tired, and he only realised he’d fallen asleep when he woke up the next morning. Sirius was gone by that time, and Remus felt empty.
Yet again he was the only one in the house and the idea of being alone all day made his stomach clench. In an odd sort of daze, he went downstairs to make breakfast. He was thinking ‘toast’, but having got the bread out, he realised he didn’t have his wand and had no idea how to operate the muggle-toaster.
He sat down and looked at the contraption, it seemed that the bread went in the slot at the top, but having put it in there and waiting several minutes, nothing was happening.
He was losing track of days now, it could have been anywhere between a week and a month since Sirius died for all he knew. Strangely, the person he longed to see was Snape. The kind motives hidden behind a cold delivery were endearing – or maybe Remus was just going mad.
But when green flames leapt from the fireplace, it was Dumbledore, not Snape, who appeared in the kitchen.
The old man was instantly troubled by the way Lupin’s head seemed to loll on his shoulders, the vacant stare in his dull eyes and the odd way his mouth was curled up into a sort of smile, breath wheezing audibly between his cracked lips. Still, the man was entitled to his wand, and that was why Albus had dropped by.
“Remus?” He asked quietly, hoping not for a verbal response, but a flash of intelligence in those once golden eyes. But his eyes were yellowish and showed no sign that he was recovering. “Remus, I brought your wand back.”
Remus shook his head, humanity seemed to slowly seep back into his expression, he looked up at Dumbledore with golden eyes restored.
“Oh, thanks, I need that.” Then he turned back to the toaster, “This stupid thing isn’t working.” He took the bread out and zapped it with his wand, not only toasting it, but buttering it and smothering it with jam at the same time. It was the best toast he’d ever tasted.
There was silence for a minute or two, before Snape stepped out of the fireplace.
“Ah, Severus,” Dumbledore said, “I was just returning Remus’ wand.”
Snape looked at his patient, then back at the Headmaster.
“Do you really think that is a good idea?” He said, clear enough for Remus to hear, “He hasn’t completed his course yet, would you like to see a repeat of the other night? What if Molly or I are the next to irritate him?”
It was a bad sign that Remus didn’t even try to defend himself, he simply sat there munching on his toast, staring into space.
As if to demonstrate his point, Severus walked up to Remus and waved a hand in front of his face. It took Remus a couple of seconds to register the movement, then his head snapped up and his eyes visibly changed from dull to bright.
“Severus!” He cried, smiling, “When did you get here?”
“Long before you noticed,” Snape muttered, “but I’m here to let you know about your medication. You only have one more dose, take it at two. Within twenty four hours you should feel much better.”
“Can I ask a question?” Lupin looked a lot better now, but there was still something wrong with his voice, something strange about his expression and something erroneous about his eyes.
“Proceed.” Severus was interested to see if his question was an intelligent one, the curiosity showed in his voice and Dumbledore looked up to see what sort of game was going on.
“What if someone were to take this potion when they aren’t depressed, would something bad happen to them?”
Snape could see the odd expression on his face twisting, changing, but it was unreadable.
“If you like the taste I could always make up a drink of the same flavour, the active ingredient in the potion is flavourless.” Nope, not an intelligent question.
“Well, er, thank you, but I just want to know what would happen if someone were taking the active ingredient.” He really looked desperate to know.
“Well,” Snape was confused now, it was a very uncomfortable feeling, would Lupin be considering using it as a weapon? “It would simply make the drinker a little light-headed.” Suddenly the reason dawned on him. “If you’re feeling better don’t worry, you have to keep taking it. Stopping halfway through the course is the most dangerous thing you can do.” He’d looked up the side-effects the previous night, they included growing horns, hallucinating and even reverting to a childlike state, these were all things that could happen if Lupin didn’t continue to take the potion. He’d definitely taken it the first time, Severus had seen him raise the goblet to his mouth the second day, and today he would stand by and make sure it was taken. Then the responsibility was gone. This thought stuck in his head; he didn’t want the responsibility gone, he was enjoying looking after Lupin. Maybe he didn’t have to go back to hating the last Marauder after this. They’d have to discuss it when Lupin was completely healed.
“Okay, I was just wondering. I am feeling a lot better, thanks.” This was a new idea, what if Sirius had been wrong? He never had been very good at potions. He’d have to ask him. “Excuse me, I just need to go upstairs.” He got up and immediately noticed how weak his legs felt. Part of him wanted to stay in this kitchen with Severus where it was safe and definite.
“I also must be on my way.” Dumbledore wheezed in his increasingly weak ‘old man’s’ voice. He left through the fireplace with no further words of goodbye.
“Well, if you take the potion now, then I can leave.” Snape said in a very flat tone, he didn’t really want to leave, but when the potion was gone he would no longer have an excuse to be here.
“I just have to go upstairs and, er, get something.” Remus looked quite unhappy by this time, as if he were being dragged away by his own legs. Once in his room, he slammed the door shut and leant heavily against it.
Sirius was sitting on the bed.
“What’s wrong, Moony?” He asked, his face was stern, it didn’t show a sign of concern.
“I-I just asked Severus what would happen if someone took the potion when they aren’t depressed-” He felt nervous, somehow guilty.
“What!” Sirius screeched, “He’s going to work out the whole plan now! He’ll tell Voldemort!”
“He said nothing would happen, Sirius!” Remus cried, “He said it might make me light-headed.”
Sirius had got up now, he was walking towards Remus with an angry expression on his face, he stopped less than a foot away from him.
“So you didn’t trust me?” He asked quietly, looking hurt, then his voice raised, “Do you want me to be dead?” He shouted, his face twisting into an ugly imitation of the real Sirius Black.
“No! I mean, yes I trust you!” Remus had fallen to his knees, cowering at the door, “And I don’t want you to be dead.” He added in a whisper.
“If you take that potion now, that’s it, I’m not coming back again.” Sirius spat maliciously, “I’ll find myself a happy life somewhere where there’s no Voldemort, no ministry wanting my head on a stick, and no pathetic old school friends who don’t trust me. And to you and everyone else, I will be dead.”
By this point Remus was in tears, there had never been an instance before where Remus had cried and Sirius hadn’t comforted him, but now Sirius stood over him, looking down, scowling. He looked up suddenly as Remus heard footsteps. He gave Remus one last glare, then disapparated. Remus crawled away from the door just in time for it to swing open.
When Severus saw Lupin lying on the floor crying again, his heart jolted. Against his normal principles, he knelt down and put his arms around the shaking body.
“It’s not much longer now.” He said, trying to force a soothing tone into his voice, “This time tomorrow you’ll be feeling much better.” At this, Remus began crying even harder. He sat up and hugged Snape around the chest, burying his teary face in the other man’s shoulder, trying to calm himself down and suppress the sobs that were making him shake so much. The way he’d seen Sirius just now scared him, but he loved Sirius like a brother and didn’t want him to leave.
But he also felt really bad about not taking the potion.
Right now he was sitting between Severus’ legs, face pressed into his robes just appreciating the way Severus stroked his hair and rubbed his back. He had to strain his ears to catch the words Snape was whispering though. “I’m going to be here for you, you’re not alone.”
“Thank you.” Remus whimpered. “Thank you for trying to help.” Why had he never seen this side of Severus while they were at school? Was it because they’d been at each other’s throats the whole time? Because they competed? He never would have guessed that under all the sarcasm and anger there was this sensitive man. Soothing words made his eyelids heavy, soon he forgot about Sirius’ transformation and fell asleep in Severus’ arms.
Snape was feeling pretty tired himself, Lupin’s deep breathing was just as relaxing as any words. Slowly he lay down, still clutching Remus tight against his chest, and within seconds he too had fallen asleep.
It was nearly four when Remus woke up, he didn’t remember the last time he’d felt this comfortable, and on the floor no less! As cold as he looked, Snape’s body was warm and his arms were strong and protective. Remus closed his eyes and snuggled closer, trying to sleep again, but a cold draught suddenly chilled him. Looking up, he saw Sirius.
“Very cosy.” He said, his voice flat and his eyes hard. “Get up.”
Remus closed his eyes and willed Sirius away, he was so warm and comfortable, why did he have to get up?
“You have to get rid of the potion now, when your boyfriend wakes up you can tell him you drank it already.” The deep voice sounded like the voice of doom, it was how Remus always though Voldemort would sound. “Now.” The spite in it cut at Remus’ heart, part of him hoped Severus would wake up and make Sirius go away, but somehow he knew that couldn’t happen. Gently, Remus pushed Snape’s arms of him, and slowly got to his feet. In a daze he staggered downstairs and into the kitchen. He picked up the goblet and considered drinking it, but before he could get it to his lips, some unknown force took a hold of his hand and poured the whole thing down the sink. He wanted to cry again, he sat at the table and put his head in his hands.
“Good, I’ll be seeing you tomorrow.” Then Sirius was gone again.
The floorboards creaked as Snape came downstairs.
“Oh good, you remembered to take it.” He said, seeing the empty goblet on the draining-board. There was a moment of awkward silence, then the front door opened.
“Good afternoon!” Mrs Weasley chirped, “How are you feeling, Remus dear?” Her smile was infectious, and Remus couldn’t help smiling back.
“I’m fine, thank you.” He said.
Snape, of course, was immune, he simply got up and started making tea, to be honest he’d hoped he could spend the rest of the afternoon talking to Remus about what had happened earlier. Holding Remus in his arms had stirred feelings he hadn’t felt for a long time, and it scared him.
“Oh, thank you, dear,” Molly said, seeing Severus making drinks, “white with two sugars, please.”
“Yeah, I’ll have white with, uhm, four.” Remus looked a little embarrassed, he waited for the lecture about how bad that was for him, but it didn’t come.
Severus was glad he was facing away, as a small smile had planted itself on his face; suddenly he was finding Remus’ sugar addiction cute.
Soon the door opened again, this time Kingsley and Tonks came in, neither ordered tea, so Severus quickly sat down to avoid losing his seat next to Remus. Remus looked up to catch Snape’s eye, he smiled a grateful smile, and if it wasn’t just Severus’ imagination, he fluttered his eyelashes as well.
“…Ministry’s in chaos, Fudge is this close to getting kicked out on his backside!” Tonks was saying excitedly, “Exactly what he deserves I reckon, he shoulda believed Harry.”
“There is even talk going around that they believe Harry’s story about Sirius.” Kingsley added in a more sombre tone, careful not to look at Remus, “He may receive a full pardon.”
“Yeah, bit late for that, I think.” Tonks snorted.
“It’s never too late to clear a man’s name.” Snape said, without thinking.
Naturally, everyone was surprised to hear him being civil about Black. Whilst Remus had been unconscious, Snape had barely quit going on about how stupid it was for Black to have left the house at all.
“He’s right,” Remus said, “I want the world to know that Sirius Black was innocent.” His voice was so similar to the way he’d spoken before the death, that most of them were fooled, Severus instantly noticed the small difference though; he spoke louder to suggest confidence and there was a slight huskiness to it as well, as though he smoked.
Snape was curious to know if the potion had worked, he knew it could be a couple of hours before it completed the effect, and Remus did look a lot better, but there was still something strange about his posture, his voice, his eyes, he just didn’t look right.
The others seemed convinced and were all congratulating him on his recovery, although Remus himself did look as though he wasn’t sure he was better.
The afternoon became evening and Molly cooked a roast, the group enlarged as Arthur and Mad-Eye turned up. As soon as dinner was finished, Molly made up a huge chocolate cake, dripping with hot fudge sauce and served with ice-cream. Remus could feel his mouth water, when was the last time he’d eaten something like that? He couldn’t even remember.
Fred and George appeared just in time to secure their own slices and join in with the conversation, which was at this point, on how to repel a sixty-foot marshmallow man ala Ghostbusters II.
“Well you’ve got two choices really,” Mad-Eye explained, “You could use a dissolving spell or a burning spell, of course the burning spell is generally preferred because of the smell.”
“Do marshmallows dissolve?” Fred asked, incredulously.
“I dunno, but I’d rather burn it anyway, I love toasted marshmallow!” Tonks replied
“In which case wouldn’t it be better to use a shrinking spell, then toast it?” Lupin asked, “I mean, even I wouldn’t be able to eat a sixty-foot marshmallow.”
“And has the Dark Lord given us any indication that he plans to attack us with oversized confectionary? Snape asked a little tiredly.
No one answered.
“Anyway, just so you know; evil-marshmallows dissolve in raven blood, but I would suggest you shrink the creature first or you’ll find yourself using a lot of blood and that stuff is expensive.” As dumb as he knew the conversation was, Snape had to show off. “I trust you wouldn’t actually think of eating it.”
Fred and George wore identical expressions of disbelief; they’d flunked out of school, yet they were still being lectured by their least favourite teacher.
Only Remus noticed the slight tone of humour in Snape’s voice. He smiled.
“And what, might I ask, would happen if one were to eat an ‘evil-marshmallow’?” He asked, his smile became a cheeky grin.
“I believe one’s insides would swell and explode, why? Planning to try it?”
To everyone else it seemed as though the two old rivals were back at winding each other up, in reality though they were just playing with each other. It was fun.
The cake was good, the company was even better. Severus had never really joined in with any of the inane conversations before, he’d thought them childish and pathetic, but to join in and see Lupin’s face light up when he laughed, he realised he’d missed out on a lot.
Still, when the fire-whiskey came out again, he politely declined and would have suggested Remus did the same, but Remus himself had already told Tonks to ‘keep that shit away from him’.
No one bothered to explain to the twins what had happened last time.
“So, how are the ‘alarming alarms’ selling?” Remus asked, he felt as though he were simply acting the part of him in some twisted movie, as though at any point he could walk off stage and be whoever he really was.
“Not bad actually.” Fred said, wolfing more cake into his mouth then quickly washing it down with fire-whiskey before his mum noticed.
“We’ve given a couple away as free gifts,” George said, relishing the worried expression on Mrs Weasley’s face, “We sent one to Harry’s god awful uncle!”
“Yeah, our covering letter said it came free with his insurance policy!”
Both boys cracked up laughing.
“You’d better not have gotten poor Harry into any trouble.” Molly warned.
Remus could barely hear this conversation, he suddenly felt very uncomfortable. It felt like Sirius was upstairs.
Severus saw a masked fear behind Lupin’s eyes, suddenly he realised what the change in his personality was; he was being himself, but he seemed to have taken on some of Black’s character. The combination had made his whole self rather precarious, like an elastic band pulled tight, ready to snap.
“So, can we join the Order now?”
“Yeah, we’ve left school…”
“Certainly not!”
“Oh, come on Molly, they could irritate you-know-who to death.”
“Arthur! I expect you to support me on this!”
Remus discretely pulled his wand out of his pocket, part of him wanted to do something wrong. He didn’t seem have control of his body anymore; it was the way he felt earlier, when he poured the last potion down the sink.
Come upstairs, a voice said in his head, making Remus’ eyes stretch wide, come now or you might hurt someone.
Around him the banter continued, no one had noticed how Remus’ eyes had glazed over and his lips curled into a sadistic smirk. He knew he couldn’t go upstairs, he was scared of Sirius, he was scared of his best friend.
“You’d have to pass the initiation first.” Mad-Eye was saying menacingly.
“Cool!”
“Is it anything to do with fire-whiskey? ‘Cause I think I’ve had enough for tonight.” Fred did actually look pretty ill, but Remus didn’t see, he saw seven dark figures sitting around the table. Seven targets.
When he stood up his chair fell backwards with a crash, he raised his wand and, without aiming or even thinking, fired a curse.
Severus had jumped out of his seat as soon as he saw Remus stand up, he regretted it instantly. The curse went straight through the place where Severus had been sitting, and hit George, who’d just got up for some reason or another, in the back of the shoulder.
Remus turned and opened his mouth to curse again, but this time Snape was able to knock him over, he couldn’t get the wand out of his hand though. Remus lay on the floor, his eyes were black and he was snarling like an animal. Snape pinned his wrists down and waited for Mad-Eye to prise the wand from his hand.

A/N: Enough suspense for you there? Thank you reviewers! You have restored my faith in fanfiction! There will only be one more chapter after this one, I’ll try to post it within the next two/three days.