Harry Potter And The Half Blood Pimp

That night-



“So what do you girls think I should do?” Harry sighed as he lay in bed watching his girls prepare to sleep after an evening of work.

“I don’t think we know babe.” Cynthia replied, “Maybe you ought to look into it. What are you going to do about us though?”

“I’d go in a heart beat, but I ain’t leaving you broads hanging in the wind without someone to take care of you.” Harry ran his fingers through his hair. “I’ma talk to da old man. He will make a deal wit me, if he wants me to cooperate.”

“Sounds good.” The girls chimed.



Dumbledore agreed heartily that Harry could not leave his little girlfriends alone, so he volunteered a very nervous looking Remus Lupin.

Harry gave Lupin some training in the pimping arts, and introduced him to the girls, allowing them all to get used to each other. In no time, Harry was finding his way to a train station, women in tow.

“Well bitches, ya’ll behave for the Big Wolf here. He will be standing Pimp in my absence, and you listen to him.” Harry commanded, before turning to Lupin. “You take care of my broads, my streets, and my business, or I will take care of you.”

Lupin felt a cold chill run down his spine, as young as Harry may look, the sheer force that he spoke with was enough to drive an icicle into the werewolves heart. “You got it Harry.” Lupin smiled. “Good luck at school friend.”

Harry simply nodded before turning towards the wall and walking into it full force, finding himself on platform 9 3/4. “Damn, this shit is weird.” He thought to himself as he slowly dragged his trunk towards the train, watching students wrestle with pets or argue with parents.

Eventually Harry got his things on the train with the help of two red headed twins who seemed particularly interested in Harrys silvery pants. “There ya are mate.” They chimed in unison as they heaved the trunk up into the luggage tray. “We like your pants.” They echoed as they walked away.

“Nice guys… weird… but nice guys.” Harry smirked as he opened up the door to a compartment and walked in. The room was empty so Harry made himself at home. He unbuttoned his shirt, allowing it to hang loosely around his body, his wife beater clinging to his muscles. Harry reached to his neck, straightening his silver necklace, remembering how much Remus hated it. Tipping his fedora low on his face, he slumped into his seat and settled in for a nap.



“Excuse me, sir.”

“Sir.”

“Wake up sir.”



Harry began to stir, as he felt small feminine hands pressing against his shoulders. “We are almost to Hogwarts, and you must get into your robes.”

“Macey, leave me alone girl, you know I sleep in till 11, damn.” Harry mumbled, as he swatted lightly at the air in front of him. “Leave me alone or I will make you work 4th and Park.”

Hermione simply stared for a moment, not sure of how to react to the man’s comments. “Sir, my name is Hermione Granger, I am a prefect at Hogwarts, and you must get up and put your robes on.” Her shrill voice rising higher, causing the young man to leap up, his hat toppling to the floor.

“Damn girl, I’m up. Shit!” Harry snapped as he tried to relax his body before leaning down to pick up his hat. “Mmmmm…” Harry grinned, never taking his eyes off the young women before him as he leaned down. His silver necklace gently tapping his chin before he whipped back up and extended his hand. “My name is Harry, and I take it your name is Candy, cuz damn girl, you look sweet enough to give me a tooth ache.”

“My NAME is Hermione, and I can make a lot more ache if you don’t back away from me sir.” She hissed, appaled that a grown man was speaking to her in such a way.

“Girl, I’m a student.” Harry laughed, as he realized he didn’t look very student like.

“You need to put your robes on, we will be at school soon.” Hermione reiterated before stepping backwards out of the room, never taking her eyes off of Harry. Though, whether it was because of his looks, or for her safety, one may never know.

“So, who is he?” Ginny asked immediately, as Hermione stepped away from the compartment, her facing turning crimson as she realized that the man had stripped down to his under wear and there was very little for underwear as it was.

“So is he… oooo…” Ginny grinned as she pressed her face against the glass, her eyes attracted solely to Harry’s body, as he was bent over rummaging through his luggage ass naked, except for a very small length of thread.

Hermione simply stood next to her friend, her mouth agape and her face crimson. “I have never seen a man wear that kind of under wear.” Hermione finally spluttered before yanking Ginny by the arm away from the compartment.

The train eventually pulled up to the station, and a giant for a man called all the first years forward, so Harry stepped up to him. Hagrid knew what to do, so he motioned for Harry to enter a carriage, giving him an encouraging wink.

“Hey, how ya doin?” Harry smiled as he realized he had entered the carriage with the bushy brown haired girl in it. “Damn, you just make every thing look good now don’t ya?” Harry grinned, as he watched the young woman blush.

The red haired boy sitting next to her scowled at him, but his face became stricken when Harry stuck his tongue out at the boy and asked him if he wanted to make out. Harry could only laugh, though he could see, everyone in the carriage was horrified.

As every one else walked into the halls and sat down, a stern looking witch that Harry recognized as Ms. Minerva, beckoned him to stand to the side as many first years were sorted. After which, it was Harry’s turn to be sorted.

He sat down on a hard wood stool, as a hat was placed on his head. “Hmmm… Yes… My… God…” The hat began, so Harry tried to speak to it. “Holla’.”

For a moment the hat seemed stunned, before it began to speak back. “What the fuck, you do not belong here. I should have sorted you long ago, but you are worthless now, a disgrace. I cry for you’re…”

The quiet of the great hall was shattered as Harry leapt to his feet. “FUCK YOU!” Harry shouted before yanking the hat off his head, throwing to the ground he pointed at it. “Fuck you, you piece of shit, you don’t know me!”

“NO, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU DUMBLEDORE, FUCK THIS SCHOOL! I WILL NOT SORT THIS HEATHEN!” The hat screamed, as Snape lept from his seat, snatched the hat up, and attempted to stifle it as he rushed it out of the room.

Harry kept screaming expletives at the hat, as Snape rushed out the door. It took many minutes before Harry and the rest of the great hall had calmed sufficiently for Dumbledore to be able to make an announcement.

“As our sorting hat is currently broken, I will allow you Harry, to choose what house you wish to be sorted into.” This caused many murmurs as he began to walk around the great hall before stopping behind the bushy haired girl. “Hello.” Harry extended his hand to her, as she had pivoted in her seat to eye him.

“Hello.” She coolly replied.

“I would like to start over.” Harry grinned.

“My name is Hermione Granger” She finnaly sighed, a look of defeat on her face as she shook his hand.

Harry then turned to the headmaster, and in his best imitation of the sorting hat, he shouted at the top of his lungs. “GRYFNDOR!”





“This is NOT how this was supposed to happen Albus!” The shriek from the transfiguration teacher filled the air.

Albus sighed serenly as he listened to Minerva. His mind was a blaze with the many colorful speech embellishments that Harry would probably use at this time. Though two such thoughts truly stuck out to Albus. “I’d love to tell her ‘Shut yo trap bizatch, and pull down dem panties and let me hit dat shiat’.” Dumbledore smiled.

“Now is not the time to be smiling Albus!” She continued to shriek.

“Every day you wake up, is a day to smile.” Dumbledore chuckled.



“Fuck!” Harry exclaimed as he awoke to the sounds of his fellow classmates shuffling about preparing for class. “Muther fuckers need to have afternoon classes.”

“You should wake up mate. My name is Neville!” The chubby happy faced boy grinned as he pulled his robe over his head.

“My name is Harry Potter, but you can call me K.M.” Harry sneezed as he slumped out of bed.

“What does K.M stand for mate?” an irish looking boy asked.

“King Magick, and don’t forget it.” Harry wheezed as he flexed his back before wandering towards the showers. The boys simply stared as he walked away.



Harry finally wandered down to breakfast, the last to enter. “Always did like to make an entrance.” He laughed as he nudged himself between the young Hermione Granger and an irate looking redheaded boy.

“Excuse me mate?” The boy cried, as he shuffled out of the way.

“Y’er ‘scused.” Harry smiled before turning back to the brown haired beauty before him. “Soooo hows about I walk you’s to class, love?”

Hermione simply stared incredulously as she realized most of the dining hall was watching what was going on. “Going to carry her books too mate?” the boy known as Ron inquired.

“Hells na’ fucka!” Harry bellowed, “Dats bitch shiat! Why you even talking to me?” His voice carried through the entire room as he whirled on the red head.

Ron looked like a fish. His mouth opened, but no sound came out, his face turning redder by the moment.

“Why!”

“Hello there!”

“Yes well, you’ll just…”

“Come with us!”



Two young twins, that Harry slightly remembered from the train ride had leapt up and were now both dragging Ron away from Harry and towards the hall. As they left he could still hear them completing each others sentences.



“You!”

“Do not fuck!”

“With that guy!”

“He could kill you!”

“Then mum would have our…”

“Balls!”

“I was going to say head… but yes, balls!”



Hermione smirked as she placed a hand over her mouth, pretending to hiccup. She loved how wild this new guy was, but she couldn’t bring herself to reciprocate his advances.



Class was a different experience for both Harry and his teachers. Harry sat in the back of all of his classes, and listened intently to all the lessons. He needed to feel out the teachers and see what he could get away with, and where. It being the first day and all, he was better to make good first impressions. Though he noticed that he had that Professor who watched him smash some goons the next day, he paid it no mind.

“Fuck…Shit… Errrr… God damn it.” Harry hissed under his breath as he stared into his transfiguration textbook. “What the fuck is this fucking word?” He grumbled as he sat on his bed. He tried doing his homework on his bed, so that the others would not see his meager education.



Many miles away, a very haggard looking Remus Lupin was running his fingers through his hair as he watched one of Harry’s hoes get inside a car and drive away with another John. “What the fuck am I doing?” He thought to himself as he leaned back in Harry’s Cadillac. He was immediately shocked out of his Reverie as he realized Cynthia was running towards the Cadillac screaming as three men were chasing her.

“Fuck.” Remus yelped as he jumped out of the car. “Stop right there you fucks!” He bellowed as Cynthia ran behind him, placing her hands on his shoulders and peaking from beneath his elbow.

The three men looked at each other, then to Remus, and back to each other before laughing. “You think you can do something mate?” They cackled.

“Show em you the man Remmie!” Cynthia grinned as she squeezed lightly on his biceps.

Remus hated how uncivilized the ruffians behaved. “You have two seconds to get the fuck off my turf and never show your face again.” Remus hated speaking so beastly, but he learned quickly people would try to take advantage of you if you didn’t speak their language.

“You in trouble old man.” One of the thugs growled.

Remus’ lip curled into a snarl. “I will have you know sir, I am not OLD!” The ground began to shake as Remus’ arms began to swell within his suit. His werewolf instincts begging to surface, he found he HATED being insulted in front of Cynthia.

“Hey there mate, we was just playing!” The thugs said in unison as they began to back up, but the damage was already done.

Remus rushed forward grabbing one of the thugs by the face, his hand palming the man’s entire skull like a basketball player. His features enlarging as his lycan genes hyper-activated, stimulated by his adrenalin. He couldn’t “truly” change form, but he certainly enjoyed some perks. “AHHHHHWOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!” A blood-curdling howl burst from his throat as he yanked his unfortunate victim high into the air, spinning him a moment and then slamming him like a club into the other two thugs.

Cynthia watched in awe as Remus smashed the three thugs who had tried to beat her, as though they were children’s toys. “I see why he doesn’t carry a weapon.” She thought to herself. “God he is hot, for looking like he’s 50, I would tear into him like he were a scratching post.” She blushed as she watched him pummel one of the aggressors until his face looked a lot like hamburger meat.

“I think that’s good hun.” Cynthia called as it looked as though Remus were about to start gnawing on the last thug. “Just throw em into the alley and we will be ok.”

Remus turned and stared at Cynthia for a moment before he seemed to snap back into reality. He looked down at the leg he were holding and simply chucked the guy into the alley, before picking his friends up and repeating it for each other them.

The rest of the night went as planned, and Remus collected a rather large sum of money, which he placed into an envelope, as per Harry’s orders. He was becoming good at pimping, and as loathe as he were to admit it, he was enjoying it.



“Harry Potter! See me after class!” Professor Flitwick squeeked, moments before the students cleared out of the room.

Harry grumbled as he waited for the other students to leave. He knew his grades weren’t to hot, in fact, they were dreadful in all of his class. At this rate, 10 points from failing would be hot for him.

“Mr. Potter, I wish to discuss your grades with you. For Gods sake son, you are on the verge of flunking out of school, and it is only the first week.”

Harry hung his head; he wasn’t sure what to say. “Sorry?”

“Son, it’s like you don’t even try. Do you purposely write your S backwards?” Flitwick continued.

“I never learned to write so good.” Harry mumbled.

“What?”

“I says im a fuckin idiot who never got schooled right!” Harry yelled, his eyes flashing both shame and anger.

Flitwicks mouth simply mouthed like a fish, not knowing what to say. Only able to meagerly raise a hand as he watched Harry rush out of the room.



Dumbledore rubbed his temples slowly as he attempted to make sense of what all of the teachers were telling him. It was obvious Harry could be a good student; he excelled in the practical side of magick. It was his marks in homework and written exams that were killing him. “I don’t know what to do.” He sighed.

“Expel him?” Severus Snape pleaded, his eyes round and wet like a puppy.

“No.”

“Damn.”

“Perhaps find him a tutor?” Flitwick suggested.

“An’ who’ed wanna tutor ‘em?” Hagrid thought aloud. “Not to be offendin, but H’arry ain’t exactly the easiest guy to be aroun’.”

“I concur.” Professor McGonnagol chimed in. “But I do know that he seems to fancy Ms. Granger.”

“WHAT!?” Snape coughed as his head shot up, a look of horror on his face. “Potter and the Brain? DISGUSTING! VILE! A romance made for day time wizarding vision if I ever heard of it!”

Dumbledore silenced Snape with a look before turning back to Minerva. “What do you propose Minnie?”

“I propose nothing, I observed he has what looks like a crush for Ms. Granger, and as she is the most intelligent person in this school, I think perhaps he would be receptive to her help.” She replied.

“What if they fall in loooove?” Snape emphasized the last part. “They may end up mating.” He shuddered. “Then where would we be? I will tell you where! We will be up “Lets ask Snape for help, and he will say no creek without a wand!” His head nodding fiercely he continues. “That is where you will be… That, and I will be disgusted by the thought of any woman ever touching that vile young man.”

“What in de’r hell didin’ ya just say?” Hagrid exclaimed, a look of confusion etched into his features as he stared wide eyed at the potion professor.

“Snape?” Dumbledore stated, watching as he caught the professors attention. “Shut your mutha fuckin trap yo.”

Silence fell upon the entire meeting as every one turned towards Dumbledore.

Within moments Dumbledore was clapping his hands and giggling, “That was fun, I see why Harry speaks as he does! I must use more colorful euphemisms in my speech!”

“cough cough. It is settled then, Minerva shall speak to Ms. Granger about tutoring Mr. Potter.” Flitwick nodded sagely, before picking up the small gavel on Dumbledores desk, tapping it twice to end the meeting, and beginning to walk out.

“Hey. That’s my job!” Dumbledore called after Flitwick, his wrist in the air limply. He then reached down and tapped the gavel three times with a grin on his face. “Much better.”



Sirius Black lay in his cell within the heart of Azkaban, his mind blank, though every muscle in his body sat rigid as he concentrated on nothingness. If he had learned one thing since he had ended up in prison, was how to ignore the effects of the Dementors for a short time.

“Wake up!” A human male guard growled as he tossed a stone at Sirius. “Get the hell up and get out of this cage!” He scowled as he yanked Sirius up by his scruff and drug him out of the cage, down the hall, through the door, and past old man Honky, the only prisoner to ever honk at a Dementor.

“Wha?” Sirius looked around as he realized he was at the gates of Azkaban.

“You are free to go. Go do something I guess.” The guard shrugged, shivered, then turned on his heels and walked away from Sirius as the gate slammed shut.

“Drugs? No… Haven’t had drugs in forever. Hallucinating? Perhaps.” He thought as he pinched his own leg. “No… Maybe I am dead? No, then that pinch wouldn’t have hurt. Fuck, I’m off then!” With that, Sirius Black made an about face, and began to whistle as best he could as he hobbled towards the docks that would take him back to England, still filthy.

“How ya doin?” The docksman inquired as he took one look at Sirius as cast a charm over his nose.

“Fine.” Sirius smiled, his teeth rotten and green. “Just fine.”

“Good.” The docksman grinned back as he unmoored the boat and offered Sirius a ragged blanket to sit on.

“Thanks.” Sirius Black, the most famous murdered in wizard lore since Grendalwald and Lord Voldemort, was now a free man. Cleared of all charges and free to roam the land, he simply spent the next day under the sun by the beach lying on his back till his skin ached.

After what felt like years of freedom to Sirius, he found himself an owl and sent an urgent message to Dumbledore asking to be picked up.



Harry sat on the floor as he conversed with the strange green creature who called him self Dobby. “So you are trying to say you is a slave?”

Dobby thought for a moment, and then nodded his head in the affirmative.

“Damn. That ain’t good.” Harry exclaimed. “I don’t need me a slave, but I do need a partner.”

“Dobby wishes to serve Master Potter, as he is the great destroyer of Voldemort.” Dobby nodded.

“Yea, I read about dat shiat.” Harry laughed. “Look Dobby, you find me a room I can use in secret. That’ll make us partners, and I will get you a hat. Deal?” Harry asked.

Dobby lit up like a Christmas tree, his eyes glowing like fluorescent light bulbs. Within moments he had popped out of existence, and before Harry could stand, he was back. “Master Harry’s room is awaiting him.”

“Daaaaaaaamn.” Harry grinned as he followed the small house elf through the castle towards a deserted hallway.

“Simply think of what you want, concentrate hard, like I know you can, because you are so great…. As I was saying, concentrate, then walk past this door three times, and Master Harry will have his wish.” Dobby positively beamed with pride as he held Harry’s hand, walking him before the door.

With a soft pop, a beautiful red wood door appeared within the wall, the soft thump of bass coming from within. “Thank you so much Dobby.” Harry grinned as he opened the door, and entered, ready to cast a few spells to finish prepping the room for his new endeavor.

“How would you like to make a little extra money on the side Dobby?” Harry asked, as he rubbed his hands together.

“I can only take three sickles, daily.” Dobby nodded fiercely as he grinned at Harry.

“You will take one galleon a day ma man.” Harry argued, he hated to fuck people over, and wasn’t going to let Dobby screw himself.

“No.”

“Yes.”

“No.”

“Two galleons!”

“Fine, one galleon.”

“Deal.”

With that, Harry and Dobby shook hands and Harry finished preparing the room for its grand opening.