Sing for Me, Cry for Me

4. The Morning After

Harry didn’t know how long he stayed there afterwards. He barely registered the fact that Snape had thrown his wand to his feet and snarled at him to drag his useless form out of his dungeons. But Harry just couldn’t bring himself to care. It didn’t matter now. Nothing mattered. He even didn’t know how he felt any more. Walking slowly through the halls, automatically turning right or left, blindly climbing up stairs after stairs he felt as if he was emptied from within.

That was hardly his ideal first time. He was never overly sentimental but bare wall with shackles on his wrists would be definitely his last choice along with the ideal partner. If it were up to him he would never choose a Malfoy. Or so he thought. But all his thoughts were coming back to the same conclusion that all his hopes and dreams didn’t matter any more. This choice like all the other choices in his life were taken away from him.

He didn’t choose to be special, he didn’t choose to lose his parents to a mad, power-crazed psychotic dark wizard bent on immortality and world domination, he didn’t choose to live with a damned curse of a scar he gave him on his forehead, he didn’t choose to fight him from the age of eleven and he didn’t choose to kill him. But at least now he thought life would finally give him a freedom of choice to find his own way in life, to find a person to love and to belong to. To choose for himself what and when and how to do this or that. Instead he was again stripped naked from everything in one motion.

This thought again brought tears to his eyes, which made him gasp in surprise. He couldn’t believe he had any more tears left to cry. But now that tears started falling down again he felt better. He couldn’t explain a small soft smile that appeared on his face. But these tears made him somehow happy, they made him understand that no matter what happened and how much it hurt he still was a human. He still could feel and react to pain and raw emotions that were floating through his body. He still was alive. And that choice, the choice to live no one ever would take away from him.

With that he climbed into his four-poster without taking off his robes. He felt that this night would hardly be a night for sleep. He needed time to feel, to think, to understand. Because while he hated Lucius for what he’d done he couldn’t help but feel that when Lucius was taking him though against his will he made him feel whole, he made him feel complete. And Harry couldn’t understand why though he hated the man by all rights and laws of nature he felt grateful towards him. He couldn’t understand why though the man brought him so much pain he made him feel that way. It was beyond his comprehension. For the first time in his life he went down to analyzing things.

So propping himself up on the pillows and waiting for the morning when he would take a shower (though bath in his opinion would be so much better) so as not to rise suspicions from his roommates he started shrinking himself.

He was raped by Lucius Malfoy, he felt sick and dirty and violated and empty and full and complete and grateful at the same time. It didn’t make sense.

He started recalling all that Lucius told him and found that he wouldn’t mind to hear that voice again. While his action were harsh and painful his words were always soft and soothing as if he meant what he said. Which made still less sense.

How a person can be cruel and kind, cold and warm, merciless and compassionate at the same time? How he, Harry could think that Lucius didn’t want to hurt and humiliate him. He always hated him, he raised his son to hate him and now he did one of the most unforgivable things to him and still Harry was having doubts as to his true intentions. It was absurd but there definitely must have been a reason behind all that.

Why would he say “I’m sorry, love, but it had to be done.” What was that supposed to mean? Did he call every young boy he raped ‘love’? And why did he have to do it in the first place? It’s not like some dark lord under an invisibility cloak stood behind him urging him to do it in order to prove his loyalties.

The only way to find the answers to all his questions and his feelings was to confront Lucius in person but Harry though being brave and reckless at times would never come closer to the man even if his life depended on it.

“But you could.” said a treacherous voice within, “Because you loved the way he called you “kitten” and “ love” and no one ever called you that before. And he knew, he knew what you wanted to hear, he knew what you wanted to feel…”

Wanted to feel? He raped me and I certainly didn’t want to feel that!

And Harry started hitting himself with a pillow tears spilling down again. It was too much. And worst of all was that he didn’t, couldn’t understand.

He closed his eyes, covering his face with a pillow and momentarily a thought of ending it all came unbidden to his head. It is the choice you always wanted, isn’t it?

You can end it all now or you can continue pretending that nothing out of ordinary happened, pretending that this detention was just like any other you’ve ever got, smiling happily to your friends, lying to your friends…

He stood up and went to the shower. As the sun was rising in the East and the first crystal drops of dew were falling on the morning ground Harry finally made his first choice.


***
Early (for everybody else) on a Saturday morning bright eyed and always the first to rise Hermione burst into boy’s dorm to start her wake up call and to inquire as to Harry’s detention of the previous night.

She started as always by pulling away the curtains from their beds and was more than surprised to find amidst grunts and groans from the other occupants of the room that Harry’s bed was already empty. “Or maybe still empty?” she thought but just then she saw Harry walking out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist.

“Damn, why did they have to wake up so early. Oh, Mione is here. I didn’t notice her. Well that explains things. New Saturday regime. Damn her.”

Hermione blushed a bit seeing too much of her best friend’s flesh in the morning but managed to ask with an inviting smile:

“So it wasn’t so bad after all, Harry?”

“If you say so” thought Harry.

“No, not so bad” he muttered and wasn’t fast enough in suppressing a flinch when she gave him a good morning kiss on the cheek.

While he managed to come to some terms about what happened last night and some important conclusions concerning his life Harry understood that with all that he wasn’t at all ready to face the bright new day and the whole damn world not to mention touches and kisses bestowed upon his barely clad person.

But Hermione though feeling the way he shrank away from her decided that it must have been the contrast from the shower and didn’t give it much thought further instead opting for waking up the rest of the boys.

Seamus was the first to get or rather spring out of the bed aiming straight for Harry’s tightly clad butt which was quite a mistake. Though Harry was more than tolerant to his own classmates when it came to their habit of lightly touching him or brushing past him he was far from that kind now. Thanks Lucius for that. That’s why Seamus found himself sprawled on the floor with Harry’s wand pointing at his heart.

“Whoa, you’re in the mood today boy” he said jokingly trying to lighten up the mood when Harry turned away without a word giving him just a warning glance which cried “MURDER”.

This reaction didn’t slip past Hermione and she asked a bit apprehensively wondering what on earth could wind up Harry like that so early in the morning:

“So, Harry, you haven’t lost any more points, have you?”

The idea seemed so ludicrous to Harry that he almost laughed out loud. “So that’s what you think happened? No, Mione, I didn’t lose your precious points but I lost so much more” though he answered differently to her:

“Not that I’m aware of.”

And without another word he climbed inside his bed to dress. Somehow he didn’t want to share the view of his body and his dressing habits with anyone else. The last night’s performance was enough to last him a century. Again Hermione noted that something was very wrong with Harry. For the first time in all the years she had known him Harry decided to dress up away from prying eyes.

When he reappeared Hermione being considerably puzzled and chilled out by Harry’s rather strange attitude ventured to ask one more thing.

“Harry, are you sure you’re alright? Did Snape –“

He didn’t let her finish this time.

“I’M FINE! WHY DON’T YOU JUST SHUT UP! AND NO, SNAPE DIDN’T, BECAUSE HE WASN’T EVEN THERE!” he yelled and stormed out of the room shutting the door with a loud bang leaving on the verge of tears Hermione, clueless Seamus and Dean, scared Neville and making in the process an impossible job of waking up Ron who fell down on the floor blearily asking “What ‘appened?”

Seamus was the first to snap out of their mutual confusion. He shrugged his shoulders and said:

“Seems Harry’s not in the mood today.”

Hermione burst into tears and Ron stupidly asked:

“Mione, are you crying?”

“No, Ronald Weasley! I’m singing an anthem for the football championship!” and with that she imitated Harry by yelling and storming from the dorm banging the door behind her.

“Now it seems like Mione’s not in the mood either.” As soon as Seamus said that his stomach grumbled loudly. He rubbed his belly and smiling lazily added:

“It’s seems Ron there’s trouble in paradise and who better than you to find out what’s wrong with your two best friends. And while you do that I think that some bacon and eggs will do just fine for me…”

“You’re heartless” commented Dean at his friend’s behavior, “Don’t you want to know what’s wrong with them? They’re supposed to be your friends too.”

“Yes, I want to know but it’s not like either of them would tells us anyway so what’s the use in suffering and starving my poor self when there’s nothing I can do”

He clapped Ron who was still sitting on the floor on the shoulder and said:

“Well, brace yourself mate.” And went down to breakfast followed by disapproving Dean and rather pale Neville who never before saw either Harry or Hermione yelling and marching away like that. If one thing he always thought that as long as Harry and Hermione who were sort of his ideal people in the world were fine everything else would be fine as well. And now he wasn’t too sure as to what to think or how to help the two of them with whatever problems they had. He started thinking about different ways of approaching them searching out his courage in every hidden depth. He thought that he wasn’t a Gryffindor for nothing that’s why he abruptly stopped and walked back to the dormitory.

Ron who was never good at talking-things-through stuff wasn’t sure how to act. That’s why he decided to take a hot shower and join his classmates at breakfast hoping that by the time he arrived Harry and Hermione would come to their senses and everything would be fine again. And boy was he wrong.