Present Tense

Love is a complicated and convoluted substance.

Many Wizarding scientists must learn the concepts of Quantum Physics. That anything is possible. Without that fundamental belief, no magic would have evolved over the years. We would still be shooting sparks in the dark, as it were.

It is stated in Quantum Physics that one must perceive the world around oneself completely devoid of bias or societal conditioning in order to see the inconceivable. Without a blank slate, nothing new can be written.

At the absolute quantum level, love is the addiction to the chemicals that produce the feelings you have while you are with someone who inspires the chemicals that make you feel good. After repeated sessions of closeness with a specific person, your mind connects the chemicals with the person. Forming love.

Of course, with the current societal standards in place, we are encouraged to be monogamous, and love is only given to one. Therefore, when that person fails to inspire the chemicals, through marital indiscretions or other put-offish actions, we fall out of love. But our neural net, still attaches that person to the concept of love.

And, because we are emotional creatures, we very often cannot make our perceptions without adding bias to them. Therefore, when confronted with those chemicals again, inspired by anyone, we automatically assume something bad will happen, and we become bitter toward that feeling.

Knowing this makes it easy for me to manipulate people. My father went to great lengths to ensure that I was given the tools necessary for a successful life, no matter the situation. Being able to understand the actions of difficult people, allows me to get to the root of the problem and dissociate, for them, the past from the present. Making them more agreeable to doing business.

I did not always understand the lessons presented to me, my father knew this. But he also knew that if they were there for me to access during my life, I could use them when I was in need. When they would make sense.

I began with love.

I begin with such an example, because most will understand what it means, and the explanation of it will make more sense. However, despite my knowledge of it, I do not believe I have ever had it.

I like to think of myself as an observer. True, I have involved myself in many things…but ultimately I watch more than I participate. This makes it easier to think, and see patterns in the chaos of humanity.

I’ve observed Snape. He too was educated in “the reasons why”, he understands motivation and consequence. This causes him to tread lightly around others. In the shadows, quietly on the stairs, hugging the walls, doing just enough that his movements are expected and dull and therefore unnoticed. Though, as I’ve observed, he is by nature very still.

The barriers we have erected between ourselves and everyone else are difficult to drop for each other. We are willing to do so, and we have done, but a continuous state thus would provoke our paranoia to extreme heights. We are resigned to our moments of closeness, knowing they can last no longer than that.

Now, we sit in twin wingback chairs, facing the fire. He is reading a book, as he is wont to do, and I am simply basking in the warmth of the flames. I’m observing him now. Our barriers are down for now, and it is comfortable here. His face changes to match the reaction he has to what he reads, and I am probably smiling at it.

“Severus, when do you think you will leave for the convention?” I ask him with bated breath. Although he has lived in this manor for a few months now, usually on the other side of it, I am somehow nervous at his departure. I tell myself it is irrational, but it endures despite.

He puts his book on his knee and looks at me for a moment, the fire reflected in his eyes and it gives him an almost demonic visage.

“The nineteenth, in the evening.” His gaze lingers on me, and I know he is interpreting my body language. He always does. Snape is still.

“How long will you stay after?” my voice is calm, but my eyes wander as if I were speaking with my father, trying to figure out if he knew what I’d done. I don’t know why Snape incites such a reaction in me.

“We’ve discussed this, Draco. If not specifically, than in reference. Why do you ask?” His voice is calm and soothing. His eyes still, yet moving with the flames reflected in them.

I bite at the raw spot on the inside of my lip, the pain keeping me focused.

“I think, perhaps….”

“Yes?”

I sigh, knowing I will never get the words out, however benign they are. They are somehow too deep to me, and to release them would be to pull the stopper on it all. I search for an alternative.

“Perhaps I will take a trip as well. Nothing certain as of yet, but I’ve been thinking about it.” I sigh in resignation and look at the fire. Not in his eyes. Not there.

Snape puts his book aside and slowly crawls to my chair, where he hugs my legs and rests his head on my thighs. I card my fingers through his hair and his eyes shut at the caress.

“Why would you like for me to stay?” he asks quietly, having pulled the words from me regardless.

I continue my ministrations for a while, not prepared to back up such a statement.

“Draco, don’t avoid it.”

My hand stills on his neck and I sigh again.

“You’ve only just arrived, leaving now would upset your delicate mental balance.” I lie, and earn a chuckle from the head in my lap.

“Very well, you do not have to answer. Though I already know what it is. Do you?” He lifts his head and places his hands to either side of my thighs. Snape is kissing me, slow and methodical. I whimper under it. How undignified.

In fact, however, I do not know the answer. I know what I want, and although I am a master at deciphering the reasons for others, I am helpless for myself. As most people seem to be.

Snape pulls away, his expression amused but conservative. “I am going to the convention, I will be back two weeks thence. You’ll have time to figure it out.”

He stands and peers down at me. He looks as if he will to say more, but I see the barrier raise, and I know our moment of undisguised words has come to an end.

I nod to him and stand as well, pulling his arms around me, as mine are around him, and inhale the scent of him. The kiss making me yearn for more.

“May I sleep with you tonight?” I ask him, my face against his neck, and I feel him nod.

Snape hugs me close to him and as we make our way to his room, I wonder if this is why I wish him to stay.

Because these feelings he inspires within me, and he is the one that…

Oh.

Suddenly I think that despite my observance, I miss quite a lot.