Diaries of a Broken Wolf

The day of the wedding came. It had been nearly a month since I had sex with Sirius last. I emotionally distanced myself from him because of his endearing statement. ‘I love everything about you.’ Rang in my head everyday after that.

Why couldn’t I believe him? He had waited more than 6 years for me to accept him, wouldn’t that make him sincere? But the huge, domineering part of me that hated myself for my atrocities told my mind to ignore my heart.

Somehow we lived around each other, not with. We ate breakfast silently or alone, we didn’t stay up to talk like we used to, we barely ever looked each other in the eye even. It was tearing us both apart inside. But no matter how much that hurt me, the wolf inside me would always hurt me more.

I remember waking up at night sometimes to him in my room, standing over me with a foreboding air. His presence alone was sad; I never rolled over to look in his eyes to see the pain. I felt it. My desire to turn to him and apologize, a thousand times, as I kissed him constantly, screwed into my heart. But my brain corrected me, telling me not to believe his kind words. I hate my mind sometimes.

The scenery of the wedding was wondrous. White and red flowers were scattered in all sorts of places. There was a fountain off to the side that, when you looked into its enchanted waters, you could see a spring setting in a forest somewhere enchanted.

There many people from school were gathered. James’ random acquaintances from classes or from Gryffindor attended the event. As expected, Sirius and I arrived together, trying our best to act normal for our friends.
Honestly, we both looked fatigued. I could tell, and I knew other people could tell also. James jogged merrily over to us, his eyes bright with joy. “Moony, Padfoot! I’m so happy you guys came.” I gave him a faux incensed look, to imagine he even held the notion that we would not be present at our best friend’s wedding!
Sirius slung his arm over James’ shoulders, like old times, and started chattering away about how silly James was and how he just KNEW James would marry Lily and about not being a bachelor anymore.

Soon they gravitated into the crowd, leaving me standing awkwardly in the back of the wedding hall. I didn’t want to just wander into the crowd of people by myself. I scanned the group for familiar faces; none. Sighing, I made my way into a hallway, acting like I was looking for the bathroom.

Traveling the hallway, my sensitive ears picked up the sound of crying. Curious, I peeked my head into the room from which the sound came. Inside, a very flustered redhead was pacing back and forth in the room, her faces buried in her hands. Her sobs were muffled from her hands, but I was still able to pick up on them. Her wedding dress slide behind her, following in every which direction she went like an infant following hopelessly after it’s mother.

“Lily...” I said quietly, trying not to startle her too badly. She gasped and raised her face to look at me. It was stained with fresh tears, her mascara flooding down in her tears like they had become oil. “What’s wrong?”

“Oh Remus...” She said with breathy somberness. She sat on a nearby stool and looked at me, almost staring, with the saddest most shockingly green eyes. “I don’t know what to do.”

Ah, pre-wedding jitters. I sat next to her, rubbing her back to ease her nervousness.

“I love James, but I don’t know if this is right. Will I love him forever? No matter what? Does he really love me for who I am?”

I sighed in response. Earlier I had been asking myself these same questions about Sirius, even though we weren’t delving into something serious like marriage.

“Knowing James, yes, he does love you for who you are. He may be kind of stupid, and he may be silly at times, but he has a very good heart and sincere emotions. If he said he loves you, then he does. And loving him forever...? Well, that’s impossible to say. The best you can do is try.”

I cupped her face in one hand, forcing her to look at me. “No one knows if love lasts forever, it might or might not. But believe in yourself. James will love you, and treat you right for as long as humanly possible. If you love him now, you’ll probably love him forever.” I gave her a chaste kiss on the cheek then leaned back, giving her a reassuring smile.

She wiped the tears from her beautiful eyes and smiled back, her confidence recovered. “Thank you Remus,” he said, her usual spry tone restored as well. For a long moment, she gazed into my stormy eyes. “You’ve thought about this before?”

Turning my face away, I glared at the floor. “Yes.” I said in a near whisper.

One hand that was resting on my knee was threaded with foreign female fingers, “You’re in love.” Though I knew it was supposed to have been phrased as a question, it sounded like a statement. Perhaps because I knew that I was in love. “With who...?”

Just then a number of, what I assumed to be, bride’s maids burst into the room. “Oh Lily it’s ti...” The all stopped, faces frozen in accusing terror.

My face twisted in confusion, “What wrong?” Then I trailed their gazes to our inter-laced hands. “Oh...this isn’t what it looks like!”

Both of us blushed and retraced our hands. One of the bride’s maids began to cry and fled from the room. Lily jumped to her feet and ran to the other maids and waved her hands at them, claiming that it was all a misunderstanding.

Obviously none of them believed her, some saying it was because it looked like she had been crying, others saying because I was “hot” (I blushed at that one) and one girl came up with random reasons like “James is bad in bed” (another blush), or “He doesn’t have enough cash.” Every girl has to have at least one vain friend, right?

A knock on the door jarred us, causing the girls to stop arguing. Sirius opened the door; his expression was that of frustration. “Alright, what’s going on? Renda came running out into the wedding hall screaming, “The wedding is off!” So James sent me in to see what’s wrong.”

I was about to answer when the vain girl piped up. “Lily is cheating on James with Remus.” He voice was calm, with an air of catty-gossipy-ness. Don’t ask me how I came up with that word; I was really angry with that girl at this point. “We caught them holding hands and she was crying.”

Sirius looked as Lily, who gave him a look of desperate anguish. “Sirius...we didn’t...I...” His chest swelled in humor, a laugh bubbling out of his throat.

Tossing his head back he gave a heavy chuckle. He was laughing so hard he had to bend over and clutch his sides. Recovering some breath, he said between laughs, “There is (laugh) no way in hell (laugh) that Remus and Lily are involved!”

Abruptly he stood to full stature and sauntered over to me. ‘Uh oh’ was all I thought as he pulled me to my feet and curled his arms around me possessively. “Because Remus is mine.” He kissed me hard, proving his point as I clutched his arms for dear life. If it hadn’t been a month since we last touched in any way, I would’ve had the mind to push him away. I let him do it, and enjoyed it thoroughly.

Letting my mouth go for breath, he sneered at them with manly pride and greed. Even from the silhouette side of his face, I could see his eyes telling them “Mine”.

Most of the girls gasped, including Lily. I blushed, but didn’t push him away. I just nestled my face into the nape of his neck to hide, kind of like an ostrich trying to hide it’s head in the earth.

“So,” he resumed, “No scandal here, still a wedding.” Sputtering, the maids filed out of the room, leaving Lily, Sirius and myself. “That was exciting.” Sirius voiced, still holding me in his unrelenting arms.

“Let me go.” He commanded weakly. I pried his arms loose and sat back on the bench.

“So...Are you guys actually involved? Or was it an act to avoid conflict?” Lily asked, obviously wondering why I wrenched myself away from my supposed “lover”.

Before I could respond, Sirius answered. “We are...or were. We’re having problems.”

“Don’t tell her that! It’s her wedding day, don’t ruin it for her!” I growled, giving him an intensely annoyed look.

Lily just laughed. She always did that, laughed when there was tension or discomfort. She was an amazing woman, kind, gentle, sweet and smart as a tack. James was a lucky man. “So you’re in love with Sirius, for some reason it’s only obvious to me now!”

She walked past him to sit next to me again, “So you were thinking about him then? I suggest you take your own advice. You know how alike Sirius and James are.” She winked and patted me on the back.

She walked over to the armoire, used her wand to fix her make-up and walked to the door. “I’d better get going. Don’t worry about it guys, I’m sure you’ll be fine. And thank you for helping me Remus, I’m lucky you’re here.” With that, she left us in the bride’s quarters.

“What did you help her with.”? I had forgotten for a moment that Sirius was there.

“She had uncertainties. I just gave her some advice.”

“Advice that applies to us?”

I shrugged, not looking at him, “I suppose so.”

I felt the bench bow as he placed himself next to me. “Listen. Whatever I did wrong, I’m sorry.”

Sighing, I concealed my face in my hands. “I just don’t believe you...when you say you love “all” of me. How could you love that part of me...?”

He gave me a side-ways hug. “Because I love you, and the wolf is part of you. Loving you means loving the wolf. You’ve just become so insecure that you don’t think anyone can. But I do. And I always will.”

Dear God I wanted to believe him. And yet, I was still unable to. It occurred to me that perhaps time would make me believe him. So I decided to give us time.

Swiveling my torso, I kissed him. Not hard like he kissed me, but sweet and loving. He moaned against my mouth and I could feel his lips curve to smile.

“Guys the ceremony is starti...Oh.”

We broke apart to see a very embarrassed James standing in the doorway, his mouth agape. Sirius starting laughing nervously, “We’ll explain later.”

“O...K...Well, we’re starting.” He darted back out of the room.

“Shit.” I said.

“Oh well, he would’ve found out anyway.”

I smiled despite myself, “I didn’t want it to be like this.”

We stood up and headed for the door, “It could’ve been worse.” He said as he fondled my ass to prove his suggestive point.

“Perv.”

“I love you too Remus.”


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