Snape's Intervention.
folder
Harry Potter › General
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
4
Views:
5,900
Reviews:
53
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
Harry Potter › General
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
4
Views:
5,900
Reviews:
53
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Slash, Anyone?
A/N- WHOOOOOOOOHOOO party peoples, I'm back. First *insert disclaimer*, second, well, here's a list.
1. It was my birthday last week, so give me lots of reviews!
2. I am so sorry that this list is short and the "meta-fic" is long, but please bare with me.
3. Anyone know of any good movies or stories based off of or about crazy people that I can parody my chapter titles off of?
4. Potterpuffs, dear god, please google them.
5. THANK YOU MY REVIEWERS! YOUR IND. PROPS WILL BE AT THE END OF THIS CHAPTER!
extra disclaimer: Some things on this list are parodied off other peoples stories. Like, mrstick666, phorcies, and so. This is my way of thanking them extra. So if you recognize them, just smile and laugh.
Also, all items on the list itself with a * in front of the number were created by my beta, Maggie.
AKA-Dirtyliberal...dear god, a conservative christian and liberal being friends? What is this world coming to?
And SNAPE DIDN'T DO IT, and The Angel Of Silence contributed as well, if you can't figure out which ones, then, well your pretty much hopeless...
Slash, Anyone?
Sizzle, sizzle, bubble, sizzle, bubble. Gurgle, gurgle, splash.
The lean figure stood over the cauldron, it’s contents reacting exactly as they should each time he added a new ingredient.
As the potion turned a violent shade of purple, he prepared to add the last ingredient to his diabolical new potion. Just the smallest amount of lacewing flies would do, he need only tip the smallest amount of the small bead-like creatures from the jar he was holding down into the mix. He was currently hiding behind the tapestry on the fourth floor, as he was too afraid to return to the dungeons.
“A potion of my own design, made to induce severe feelings of guilt and regret in whomever the potion-maker chooses!” An evil laugh erupted in the young man’s throat, echoing off the stone walls.
“After I slip this into one of your drinks, professor, you’ll never again wish to bring harm to anyone with your heinous acts! You’ll be at the mercy of your feelings!” He tipped the jar slightly, and a few flies fell into the violet mass, turning it a pale gray as it churned and hissed softly, as if it was contented.
He laughed, a shrill, diabolical laugh that rang throughout the corridor, “Mwahahahahaha, heeheeheeheehee!”
Suddenly, the person heard the sound of running coming from behind the tapestry. He should have kept more quiet, the tapestry kept him from being seen, not from being heard. He then heard voices.
“Oh, Harry, it might not have been what you think, we have classes to go to...”
“No, Hermione, I’m sure I heard a girl screaming! If only I knew where it came from, I have to save her! The plot must continue!”
“I think it came from behind that tapestry, Harry.”
Draco Malfoy hurriedly performed a disillusionment charm on himself and stepped a few paces back from the potion. (This being after the surprise of the trio’s presence caused him to dump all the flies into the potion along with a bottle of his favorite nail polish remover -which he will have you know is some pretty expensive stuff.) Pressing himself against a wall with his wand at the ready he kept himself completely still, and his breaths as light as possible.
The trio entered, Hermione looking disheveled and Ron looking stupid. But Draco didn’t really care about them. He was staring at a far more enchanting sight between the two. A sight that made his breath catch and his heart race. For standing there, proud and defiant, forever glowing in Draco’s eyes as if the sun was always shining upon his skin, was the hero of the light side, Harry Potter.
If Draco wasn’t so composed he would have swooned before this magnificent sight. Potter’s eyes were a brilliant green, bright and deep as though begging you to come closer to them, to look deep into them and discover all their secrets, and southe all their troubles. His hair was an inky black, never to be called a ‘dark brunette’. It was so black that Draco often imagined the tiniest glint of stars shining amist the mass of unruly hair with sharp, jagged peaks that reminded Draco of severe cliffs. The plain black school robes he was wearing looked magnificent on him as they stretched tight against his broad muscular chest and lean torso, and flowed back from his legs in ripples as if they were caught in the smallest of breezes. He was standing there alright, a statue of perfection, as he did ever so often in Draco’s dreams.
Although miffed at the fact that his plan was ruined Draco was soon filled with joy at the fact that he could now stand here, unnoticed, and simply stare at the beautiful boy as long as the current situation would allow.
Before, because he was always in the presence of others, his stares would have to be replaced with glares. For surely his Slytherin’s would find nothing worthy in the Boy-Who-Lived. So many times had he stared at Potter, and then quickly righted himself and scoffed at him. This was perhaps why the two had so many unpleasant meetings, Draco would stare, notice the people around him, and then glare. It wasn’t animosity that kept the two fighting, it was quite simply that Draco had a hard time keeping it in his pants.
But this moment was different, it was almost too good to be true, for Draco could drool and dream all he wanted with voyeuristic pleasure.
It didn’t matter that the other two were there, they were unimportant, as invisible to Draco as he was to them, and only served to create a low background noise as Draco continued to drink in the rest of Harry’s well-toned body, noticing every brillaint contrast in color, red to gold to black to green to creamy white...
Oh, how he wished to touch, to feel, to taste, and to cut. Yes, to cut. For as beautiful as Harry was, Draco wished to see him bleed. Call him sick, call him sadist, he didn’t care. The thought of seeing a thick line of red blood flowing along his innocent pale flesh was more arousing to Draco than anything else. He was as in love, but that did not stop him from being evil. He was dark, and Harry was light, and Draco wanted to combine the two, and show Harry which was stronger with domination and lust. Yes, Harry would scream Draco’s name in pleasure and pain, bowing before him as an eternal slave, thankful for all that Draco could give him. Draco would cut him, bruise him, humiliate him, and finally break him. And then when Draco was done, Harry would of course die. Draco would have no use for broken light, as would anyone else would have no use for a paper on which words had already been written. Besides, God forbid he tarnish is inbred, murderous, transvestite family name!
But was Harry submissive? Draco watched with yearning, knowing it would take many a year before he could ever find out, but oh, will it be worth it when he did.
***
Meanwhile, Ron, being an a complete fucktard in all senses of the word, had begun to sample the mystery potion that lie before him, now no longer liquid but dry and white and powdery like sugar. He wondered what it would do. Then he wondered why the air tasted purple.
***
Snape’s Office.
The last few weeks, to say the least, had been quite interesting for one Severus Snape.
It seemed as though quite literally everyone was trying their hand to do him in. Of course, each one had failed spectacularly, and had since then ceased to continue with their efforts. This particular habit made the potions master wonder if the entire ordeal was just a competition of some sort. He had no doubt that the Ravenclaws would probably have set up some sort of betting pool.
Ah yes, between his regular exploits, the foiling of many eager students and possibly staff members plans had kept him rather busy, if not amused. Nothing like Neville Longbottom, a grass skirt, and two barrels of plastic explosive to start off a morning.
Dropping his mental musings, (which is surprising, considering that’s all Snape ever seems to do in fan-fiction, besides fuck) he turned his attention to his most recent ‘list’ sent from Dumbledore, in which the headmaster also berated him for dropping his current class to read porno in his office.
One, how in the hell did Dumbledore know that? That creepy old man knows, like, everything. And two, Severus felt that he had left a suitable replacement in his classroom to teach his first year Hufflepuffs.
In the end though, he turned off his video of Draco and Zabini during a wild party in which they and everyone else had consumed a good amount of fire wiskey, and turned on the tape recorder(which of course had also been sent with the mail). Then, with dignity, sarcasm, and a liberal amount of boredom (the standard Snape characterization package), he began to read...
~~~
In the Potion's Classroom.
The room was strangely quiet considering it’s Hufflepuff occupants. They all sat quietly, their cauldrons and scales set up neatly on the desks in front of them as they stared intently at the desk in front of the blackboard in which their surly potions master usually stood next to.
Instead though, they found themselves looking at a small, nude, plushie-version of Snape.
After a few tense minutes the silence was broken with the sound a toddler might make when someone was in trouble. “Oooooooooooooooooooooooooh,” said a small Hufflepuff girl near the back, “Professor Snape is... naked!”
Soon after, the small classroom broke out in a fury of whispers (Incase Snape heard them of course), including, “He seems shorter.” and, “Why is he naked?” and the ever popular, “Again?”
After the whispers finally died down to a minimal hum, the students started to work on the instructions that had been written on the board. Only one astute boy in the front noticed the class’s three extra students.
“Harry, Hermione, Ron, what are you doing here?” The timid child implied.
“You know,” Said Harry, “I’m thinking I'm on a bad trip.”
“Yeah,” Hermione added, “This stuff Ron found out about is awesome, too bad its all gone, or we would have shared some with you little frog.”
“That’s okay.” The little boy said, now genuinely afraid of the three drugged students. They were so loud, surely the Professor would hear them?
“Wonder why the Proffesor’s decided to go oh-natural this lesson?” Ron said. “Oh, and I love Hermione.” He then stated simply.
“What was that about?” Harry asked as his head snapped quickly in Ron's direction.
“Oh well,” Ron said as he waved a hand trying to catch something only he could see, “It’s been a few chapters since I’ve foreshadowed me and Hermione’s inevitable relationship, so I thought I’d have to do something a bit more obvious to make up for it.”
“Oh.” Said Harry quietly. But even through his drug induced haze, he thought that he felt bad somehow.
“Oh, here’s some!” Hermione exclaimed.
~~~~
Author: Oh yeah, this is a list fic. Back to that, hee hee ...*coughs*.
"A List of Things that I, Proffesor Severus Snape, Potion Master of Hogwarts, promise to never again do or say.
1. My name is not Jack, and I’m not a necrophiliac.
2. I must not faint just to be dramatic.
3. I will not ask Mcgonagall if she can check to see whether or not my robes still smell like Voldemort.
4. I will not declare Jihad on Dumbledore.
5. I will not practice CPR on sleeping people.
6. I must not neglect my teaching duties to watch South Park.
7. Just because I don’t understand something doesn’t mean it’s the work of the devil.
8. Dumbledore is not a work of the devil.
*9. I will not run naked down the hall yelling “I am the wizard of Oz!”
*10. I will not run down the hall yelling, “The British are coming! The British are coming!” On account of we are the British.
*11. Must never say, “Harry, I am your father.” again.
*12. Casual Friday’s does not mean “clothing optional.”
13. A wand is defined as a long rod of wood designed for the channeling and creation of magic for wizards/witches, and is not to be associated with any part of the male body.
14. A wooden dildo is not a ‘wand’ either. Even if it does fit the definition.
15. Must not laugh and point at Harry saying “Ha ha! Your parents are dead!” It makes him cry...like a pansy. (Thanks, SNAPE DIDNT DO IT)
16. I am not allowed to ask students if my Brazilian makes me look “bigger”.
17. A dark revel is no place for sexual innuendos.
18. Learning how to make the perfect onion dip, “you know the kind where it’s really creamy and thick and has just the right amount of onions with the perfect amount of dip in between.” Is not the Light Side’s main priority.
19. I must not run butt-naked through the Great Hall screaming “Help! I’ve just escaped from Kevin Spacey’s basement!”
20. I must never loudly congratulate Harry on becoming a woman ever again.
21. I will not attempt the Jedi mind trick on Voldemort.
22. I shouldn’t hit on figures of my imagination during class.
23. I am not the token black guy.
24. Must never start any sentence with the term, “One time, at Wizard camp...”
25. I am not allowed to describe anything as “practically orgasmic.”
26. I will not teach the first years how to play “Hit and Run.”
27. I will not sing “You and me baby ain’t nothing but mammals, so lets do it like they do on the Discovery Channel...” when I walk by Hagrid.
28. I will stop stealing Draco’s nail polish remover.
29. I will stop telling Harry that he isn’t real.
30. When Voldemort says “I am your master.” I should not respond by saying “That’s not what you said last night!”
31. No potion recipe involves murdering Neville Longbottom.
32. I will stop calling Lucius a pimp. Even though he does carry a ‘pimp cane.’
33. None of my students are inbred. -Except Draco. Oh, and Crabbe...Goyle... and Pansy too...
34. I cannot neglect my paperwork saying “Lupin ate it.”
35. I am NOT the King of the world and must therefore abstain from asking Draco Malfoy to 'come for a ride in my dinghy.' (Thanks, Angel of Silence.)
36. I can no longer imply (or tell) any of these things to Harry:
-That I slept with his mother.
-That he looks like an angel when he sleeps.
-The real reason Lupin loves chocolate.
-Ginny having the clamp.
... There” Snape said. “You have my word once again Headmaster.”
Figuring that maybe it was finally about time to get back to class, he packed up his things
and stalked out into the dungeons, wondering how far those Hufflepuffs had gotten with their potions...
~~~~~~~~~
“Otah, kumbaya, Otah kumbayaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.” Chanted the Hufflepuffs (and a particular saviour of the wizarding world with his two friends), as they slowly circled the tall wooden totem that had been erected in the middle of the room. Every three steps they would all turn and bow to the totem, which was topped with the little Snape Plushie.
All the desks had been turned over on their sides and placed in a circle around the students as they danced and celebrated the great plushie. Their faces were covered with great white stripes of some powdery substance, and a few students sat on the ground, beating overturned cauldrons with their wands like drums.
“Otahhhhhhhhhh, kumba-” the students suddenly stopped thier tribal dance as the large wooden door that lead into the hall swung open and hit the opposing stone wall very loudly.
Severus Snape walked into the classroom, and was, for the first time in his entire life, lost for words.
A/N- WOO...oh already said that. Anyway:
MRSTICK666- YOU ARE SO AWESOME AND YOU LEAVE SUCH NICE REVIEWS!!! I"M SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG TO UPDATE! HOPED YOU LIKED THE ONION DIP!
SNAPE DIDN'T DO IT- I love pervy Snape too. Thanks for the list item idea, and for the Nude Snape plushie. I daresay I made good use of it, don't you? ^)^
Phorcy's-YES! YES! YES! I love But I got High! Can't wait!!
Fenris Mourningstar- Damn, you leave like the most, smartest reviews evah. Stole your term "meta-fic". Hee hee. I'm really your favorite? Gosh, even I don't think my list is as good as Shade's..... maybe you haven't read it yet?
AleX- Thank you! My sisters boyfriend's name is Alex. thought you should know that...
lusciouslucius- oh don't fret darlin', there is no need to apologize...as long as you leave me another review...and post more on A few things to remember since it was my birthday and all.... I love making fun of Draco. (Aka, he's kinda based on Jankotsu off off Inuyasha in this chapter, only he's more supressed.)
Wormey- Sorry. No, I mean it. Thanks for the review. :)
Maggie(DirtyLIberal)- I KNOW WHERE YOU SIT IN DEBATE CLASS!!!
TheAngelOfSilence- Thanks for reading TWO of my stories. Extra house points for you. And thanks for the list item!
Mya Malfoy- Ha ha, I've drafted another into my "A few things to remember' fandom-ness...ness. I'm glad you liked me breaking the fourth wall. I sound smart just saying that. ^ ~ ^
Flames make me go into my quiet place and cry. All suck-ups please read my other stories (one-shots) and review, or read stories from my reccomended reading list. And Phorcy and lusciouslucius's stories too.
-XM
1. It was my birthday last week, so give me lots of reviews!
2. I am so sorry that this list is short and the "meta-fic" is long, but please bare with me.
3. Anyone know of any good movies or stories based off of or about crazy people that I can parody my chapter titles off of?
4. Potterpuffs, dear god, please google them.
5. THANK YOU MY REVIEWERS! YOUR IND. PROPS WILL BE AT THE END OF THIS CHAPTER!
extra disclaimer: Some things on this list are parodied off other peoples stories. Like, mrstick666, phorcies, and so. This is my way of thanking them extra. So if you recognize them, just smile and laugh.
Also, all items on the list itself with a * in front of the number were created by my beta, Maggie.
AKA-Dirtyliberal...dear god, a conservative christian and liberal being friends? What is this world coming to?
And SNAPE DIDN'T DO IT, and The Angel Of Silence contributed as well, if you can't figure out which ones, then, well your pretty much hopeless...
Slash, Anyone?
Sizzle, sizzle, bubble, sizzle, bubble. Gurgle, gurgle, splash.
The lean figure stood over the cauldron, it’s contents reacting exactly as they should each time he added a new ingredient.
As the potion turned a violent shade of purple, he prepared to add the last ingredient to his diabolical new potion. Just the smallest amount of lacewing flies would do, he need only tip the smallest amount of the small bead-like creatures from the jar he was holding down into the mix. He was currently hiding behind the tapestry on the fourth floor, as he was too afraid to return to the dungeons.
“A potion of my own design, made to induce severe feelings of guilt and regret in whomever the potion-maker chooses!” An evil laugh erupted in the young man’s throat, echoing off the stone walls.
“After I slip this into one of your drinks, professor, you’ll never again wish to bring harm to anyone with your heinous acts! You’ll be at the mercy of your feelings!” He tipped the jar slightly, and a few flies fell into the violet mass, turning it a pale gray as it churned and hissed softly, as if it was contented.
He laughed, a shrill, diabolical laugh that rang throughout the corridor, “Mwahahahahaha, heeheeheeheehee!”
Suddenly, the person heard the sound of running coming from behind the tapestry. He should have kept more quiet, the tapestry kept him from being seen, not from being heard. He then heard voices.
“Oh, Harry, it might not have been what you think, we have classes to go to...”
“No, Hermione, I’m sure I heard a girl screaming! If only I knew where it came from, I have to save her! The plot must continue!”
“I think it came from behind that tapestry, Harry.”
Draco Malfoy hurriedly performed a disillusionment charm on himself and stepped a few paces back from the potion. (This being after the surprise of the trio’s presence caused him to dump all the flies into the potion along with a bottle of his favorite nail polish remover -which he will have you know is some pretty expensive stuff.) Pressing himself against a wall with his wand at the ready he kept himself completely still, and his breaths as light as possible.
The trio entered, Hermione looking disheveled and Ron looking stupid. But Draco didn’t really care about them. He was staring at a far more enchanting sight between the two. A sight that made his breath catch and his heart race. For standing there, proud and defiant, forever glowing in Draco’s eyes as if the sun was always shining upon his skin, was the hero of the light side, Harry Potter.
If Draco wasn’t so composed he would have swooned before this magnificent sight. Potter’s eyes were a brilliant green, bright and deep as though begging you to come closer to them, to look deep into them and discover all their secrets, and southe all their troubles. His hair was an inky black, never to be called a ‘dark brunette’. It was so black that Draco often imagined the tiniest glint of stars shining amist the mass of unruly hair with sharp, jagged peaks that reminded Draco of severe cliffs. The plain black school robes he was wearing looked magnificent on him as they stretched tight against his broad muscular chest and lean torso, and flowed back from his legs in ripples as if they were caught in the smallest of breezes. He was standing there alright, a statue of perfection, as he did ever so often in Draco’s dreams.
Although miffed at the fact that his plan was ruined Draco was soon filled with joy at the fact that he could now stand here, unnoticed, and simply stare at the beautiful boy as long as the current situation would allow.
Before, because he was always in the presence of others, his stares would have to be replaced with glares. For surely his Slytherin’s would find nothing worthy in the Boy-Who-Lived. So many times had he stared at Potter, and then quickly righted himself and scoffed at him. This was perhaps why the two had so many unpleasant meetings, Draco would stare, notice the people around him, and then glare. It wasn’t animosity that kept the two fighting, it was quite simply that Draco had a hard time keeping it in his pants.
But this moment was different, it was almost too good to be true, for Draco could drool and dream all he wanted with voyeuristic pleasure.
It didn’t matter that the other two were there, they were unimportant, as invisible to Draco as he was to them, and only served to create a low background noise as Draco continued to drink in the rest of Harry’s well-toned body, noticing every brillaint contrast in color, red to gold to black to green to creamy white...
Oh, how he wished to touch, to feel, to taste, and to cut. Yes, to cut. For as beautiful as Harry was, Draco wished to see him bleed. Call him sick, call him sadist, he didn’t care. The thought of seeing a thick line of red blood flowing along his innocent pale flesh was more arousing to Draco than anything else. He was as in love, but that did not stop him from being evil. He was dark, and Harry was light, and Draco wanted to combine the two, and show Harry which was stronger with domination and lust. Yes, Harry would scream Draco’s name in pleasure and pain, bowing before him as an eternal slave, thankful for all that Draco could give him. Draco would cut him, bruise him, humiliate him, and finally break him. And then when Draco was done, Harry would of course die. Draco would have no use for broken light, as would anyone else would have no use for a paper on which words had already been written. Besides, God forbid he tarnish is inbred, murderous, transvestite family name!
But was Harry submissive? Draco watched with yearning, knowing it would take many a year before he could ever find out, but oh, will it be worth it when he did.
***
Meanwhile, Ron, being an a complete fucktard in all senses of the word, had begun to sample the mystery potion that lie before him, now no longer liquid but dry and white and powdery like sugar. He wondered what it would do. Then he wondered why the air tasted purple.
***
Snape’s Office.
The last few weeks, to say the least, had been quite interesting for one Severus Snape.
It seemed as though quite literally everyone was trying their hand to do him in. Of course, each one had failed spectacularly, and had since then ceased to continue with their efforts. This particular habit made the potions master wonder if the entire ordeal was just a competition of some sort. He had no doubt that the Ravenclaws would probably have set up some sort of betting pool.
Ah yes, between his regular exploits, the foiling of many eager students and possibly staff members plans had kept him rather busy, if not amused. Nothing like Neville Longbottom, a grass skirt, and two barrels of plastic explosive to start off a morning.
Dropping his mental musings, (which is surprising, considering that’s all Snape ever seems to do in fan-fiction, besides fuck) he turned his attention to his most recent ‘list’ sent from Dumbledore, in which the headmaster also berated him for dropping his current class to read porno in his office.
One, how in the hell did Dumbledore know that? That creepy old man knows, like, everything. And two, Severus felt that he had left a suitable replacement in his classroom to teach his first year Hufflepuffs.
In the end though, he turned off his video of Draco and Zabini during a wild party in which they and everyone else had consumed a good amount of fire wiskey, and turned on the tape recorder(which of course had also been sent with the mail). Then, with dignity, sarcasm, and a liberal amount of boredom (the standard Snape characterization package), he began to read...
~~~
In the Potion's Classroom.
The room was strangely quiet considering it’s Hufflepuff occupants. They all sat quietly, their cauldrons and scales set up neatly on the desks in front of them as they stared intently at the desk in front of the blackboard in which their surly potions master usually stood next to.
Instead though, they found themselves looking at a small, nude, plushie-version of Snape.
After a few tense minutes the silence was broken with the sound a toddler might make when someone was in trouble. “Oooooooooooooooooooooooooh,” said a small Hufflepuff girl near the back, “Professor Snape is... naked!”
Soon after, the small classroom broke out in a fury of whispers (Incase Snape heard them of course), including, “He seems shorter.” and, “Why is he naked?” and the ever popular, “Again?”
After the whispers finally died down to a minimal hum, the students started to work on the instructions that had been written on the board. Only one astute boy in the front noticed the class’s three extra students.
“Harry, Hermione, Ron, what are you doing here?” The timid child implied.
“You know,” Said Harry, “I’m thinking I'm on a bad trip.”
“Yeah,” Hermione added, “This stuff Ron found out about is awesome, too bad its all gone, or we would have shared some with you little frog.”
“That’s okay.” The little boy said, now genuinely afraid of the three drugged students. They were so loud, surely the Professor would hear them?
“Wonder why the Proffesor’s decided to go oh-natural this lesson?” Ron said. “Oh, and I love Hermione.” He then stated simply.
“What was that about?” Harry asked as his head snapped quickly in Ron's direction.
“Oh well,” Ron said as he waved a hand trying to catch something only he could see, “It’s been a few chapters since I’ve foreshadowed me and Hermione’s inevitable relationship, so I thought I’d have to do something a bit more obvious to make up for it.”
“Oh.” Said Harry quietly. But even through his drug induced haze, he thought that he felt bad somehow.
“Oh, here’s some!” Hermione exclaimed.
~~~~
Author: Oh yeah, this is a list fic. Back to that, hee hee ...*coughs*.
"A List of Things that I, Proffesor Severus Snape, Potion Master of Hogwarts, promise to never again do or say.
1. My name is not Jack, and I’m not a necrophiliac.
2. I must not faint just to be dramatic.
3. I will not ask Mcgonagall if she can check to see whether or not my robes still smell like Voldemort.
4. I will not declare Jihad on Dumbledore.
5. I will not practice CPR on sleeping people.
6. I must not neglect my teaching duties to watch South Park.
7. Just because I don’t understand something doesn’t mean it’s the work of the devil.
8. Dumbledore is not a work of the devil.
*9. I will not run naked down the hall yelling “I am the wizard of Oz!”
*10. I will not run down the hall yelling, “The British are coming! The British are coming!” On account of we are the British.
*11. Must never say, “Harry, I am your father.” again.
*12. Casual Friday’s does not mean “clothing optional.”
13. A wand is defined as a long rod of wood designed for the channeling and creation of magic for wizards/witches, and is not to be associated with any part of the male body.
14. A wooden dildo is not a ‘wand’ either. Even if it does fit the definition.
15. Must not laugh and point at Harry saying “Ha ha! Your parents are dead!” It makes him cry...like a pansy. (Thanks, SNAPE DIDNT DO IT)
16. I am not allowed to ask students if my Brazilian makes me look “bigger”.
17. A dark revel is no place for sexual innuendos.
18. Learning how to make the perfect onion dip, “you know the kind where it’s really creamy and thick and has just the right amount of onions with the perfect amount of dip in between.” Is not the Light Side’s main priority.
19. I must not run butt-naked through the Great Hall screaming “Help! I’ve just escaped from Kevin Spacey’s basement!”
20. I must never loudly congratulate Harry on becoming a woman ever again.
21. I will not attempt the Jedi mind trick on Voldemort.
22. I shouldn’t hit on figures of my imagination during class.
23. I am not the token black guy.
24. Must never start any sentence with the term, “One time, at Wizard camp...”
25. I am not allowed to describe anything as “practically orgasmic.”
26. I will not teach the first years how to play “Hit and Run.”
27. I will not sing “You and me baby ain’t nothing but mammals, so lets do it like they do on the Discovery Channel...” when I walk by Hagrid.
28. I will stop stealing Draco’s nail polish remover.
29. I will stop telling Harry that he isn’t real.
30. When Voldemort says “I am your master.” I should not respond by saying “That’s not what you said last night!”
31. No potion recipe involves murdering Neville Longbottom.
32. I will stop calling Lucius a pimp. Even though he does carry a ‘pimp cane.’
33. None of my students are inbred. -Except Draco. Oh, and Crabbe...Goyle... and Pansy too...
34. I cannot neglect my paperwork saying “Lupin ate it.”
35. I am NOT the King of the world and must therefore abstain from asking Draco Malfoy to 'come for a ride in my dinghy.' (Thanks, Angel of Silence.)
36. I can no longer imply (or tell) any of these things to Harry:
-That I slept with his mother.
-That he looks like an angel when he sleeps.
-The real reason Lupin loves chocolate.
-Ginny having the clamp.
... There” Snape said. “You have my word once again Headmaster.”
Figuring that maybe it was finally about time to get back to class, he packed up his things
and stalked out into the dungeons, wondering how far those Hufflepuffs had gotten with their potions...
~~~~~~~~~
“Otah, kumbaya, Otah kumbayaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.” Chanted the Hufflepuffs (and a particular saviour of the wizarding world with his two friends), as they slowly circled the tall wooden totem that had been erected in the middle of the room. Every three steps they would all turn and bow to the totem, which was topped with the little Snape Plushie.
All the desks had been turned over on their sides and placed in a circle around the students as they danced and celebrated the great plushie. Their faces were covered with great white stripes of some powdery substance, and a few students sat on the ground, beating overturned cauldrons with their wands like drums.
“Otahhhhhhhhhh, kumba-” the students suddenly stopped thier tribal dance as the large wooden door that lead into the hall swung open and hit the opposing stone wall very loudly.
Severus Snape walked into the classroom, and was, for the first time in his entire life, lost for words.
A/N- WOO...oh already said that. Anyway:
MRSTICK666- YOU ARE SO AWESOME AND YOU LEAVE SUCH NICE REVIEWS!!! I"M SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG TO UPDATE! HOPED YOU LIKED THE ONION DIP!
SNAPE DIDN'T DO IT- I love pervy Snape too. Thanks for the list item idea, and for the Nude Snape plushie. I daresay I made good use of it, don't you? ^)^
Phorcy's-YES! YES! YES! I love But I got High! Can't wait!!
Fenris Mourningstar- Damn, you leave like the most, smartest reviews evah. Stole your term "meta-fic". Hee hee. I'm really your favorite? Gosh, even I don't think my list is as good as Shade's..... maybe you haven't read it yet?
AleX- Thank you! My sisters boyfriend's name is Alex. thought you should know that...
lusciouslucius- oh don't fret darlin', there is no need to apologize...as long as you leave me another review...and post more on A few things to remember since it was my birthday and all.... I love making fun of Draco. (Aka, he's kinda based on Jankotsu off off Inuyasha in this chapter, only he's more supressed.)
Wormey- Sorry. No, I mean it. Thanks for the review. :)
Maggie(DirtyLIberal)- I KNOW WHERE YOU SIT IN DEBATE CLASS!!!
TheAngelOfSilence- Thanks for reading TWO of my stories. Extra house points for you. And thanks for the list item!
Mya Malfoy- Ha ha, I've drafted another into my "A few things to remember' fandom-ness...ness. I'm glad you liked me breaking the fourth wall. I sound smart just saying that. ^ ~ ^
Flames make me go into my quiet place and cry. All suck-ups please read my other stories (one-shots) and review, or read stories from my reccomended reading list. And Phorcy and lusciouslucius's stories too.
-XM