By Fair Means or Foul

Chapter 4

Snape cautiously made his way into the Great Hall the next morning. He refused to be labelled a coward, which was exactly what Minerva had intimated when she caught him last night in his office. Who did she think she was barging past his note of Do Not Disturb Upon Penalty of Death? The students had honoured his request and had actually been quite civil while in class. Many of them had been writing more notes than he had ever seen before during his lectures. Of course it was most likely due to not wanting to look at him after “The Incident” at breakfast. Well, perhaps it wasn’t going to be so bad. It’s not like his “condition” was all that rare. Uncommon, but not rare. Why, just fifteen years ago there had been a man just like him who had been discovered in Germany. You see, not that rare at all.

Snape made a conscious effort not to hold his breath as he quietly slipped into the Great Hall. He glanced about for that stupid mare, Trelawney, but she was not present. He slid into his chair and began dishing food onto his plate making sure to search out items that did not remotely resemble fruit.

Just as he was finishing his meal the owls began to arrive with the morning mail. The students eagerly began snatching things out of the air and sharing their letters and packages with each other. Just another morning at Hogwarts, Snape was relieved to see. He was just standing up to leave when he heard it. It sounded ominous; the sound of hundreds of wings. He really didn’t want to look up, but he refused to let McGonagall have even the slightest bit of advantage over him. Snape heard the students gasp as one and he, himself, finally looked up.

There were indeed at least a hundred owls. And they were all flying towards him. Just as they got to the head table they released their burdens. Letters, boxes, flowers, and jewellery all fell about the teachers seated near Snape. They quickly vacated the area and stood back to watch the rain of treasure fall on their potions master. Said potions master stood stock still as the deluge fell with his signature blank mask in place. As the downpour came to an end and the last owl fluttered out, McGonagall came forward and picked up a letter at the top of the heap and began to read it aloud, the dratted woman.

“My dear Professor Snape, I am writing in hopes of attaining an evening with you. Perhaps I could take you to a nice restaurant and have the pleasure of your company? I know it has been years since I was one of your students but I would dearly love to get reacquainted with you. Please accept these flowers as a token of my heart felt regards for you. With greatest affection, Darren Darnley.” She finished the letter and looked up with surprise. “My goodness, Darren Darnley must have graduated five years ago. Ravenclaw, wasn’t he Professor Flitwick?” At the little professors nod she turned and picked up another letter and began to read once more.

“To lovely Severus Snape, I know that you probably don’t remember me, but we met two years ago at my cousin’s expulsion hearing from Hogwarts. Truly, we never actually spoke, but I know that you certainly caught my eye. Your deep ebony hair and your lovely dark eyes were quite enchanting and I have hoped since then that I might be able to get to know you better and for you to get to know me. To that end, I am enclosing a key to a hotel room where I know we can learn so much about- oh dear.” McGonagall actually seemed to be blushing. “I shan’t continue this letter.”

“I haven’t the foggiest idea why you are reading my letters at all,” Snape finally managed to get out as he snatched the letter from her hands. Then, in a fit of pique, he threw it down on the pile that was being combed through by the other professors. “Actually, this is not mine. These are all the delusions of idiots who haven’t anything better to do and you are all welcome to this buffoonery,” he snapped, waving his hands about the table.

“I don’t know, Professor Snape, you may want to take a look at these things. There are some very expensive items in here. Why, look at this,” Professor Sprout said as she held up a box with a small piece of parchment in it. “This is a note of credit at Twiddles & Totts Emporium of Finer Things. You have the ability to spend two hundred galleons!” The teachers all murmured appreciation over the gift. Snape snatched the box away and began gathering up anything else of worth. The other professors were more than happy to help filter the items for him. Just as he had a sizable pile of “keepers”, as Madame Hooch put it, the doors to the Great Hall opened to reveal Professor Dumbledore being followed by a small crowd of men and women, a few of them had cameras about their necks.

“Ah, Professor Snape. You have visitors who wish to speak to you. I tried to offer them some refreshments but they were quite eager to talk with you first,” Dumbledore said as he reached the head table. Snape registered the expressions of shock, amusement, and envy that were plastered on the faces of the students before the “visitors” blocked his view as they swarmed around him.

“Professor Snape, are the rumours true that you are able to conceive a child?”

“And is it true that you are in fact pregnant as we speak?”

“Professor Snape, may we take your photograph for Wizard’s Weekly?”

“Professor Snape, how many offers of marriage have you acquired in the last twenty-four hours?”

“Have you chosen a suitable father for your child?”

“Professor Snape, tell the Daily Prophet readers what it feels like to be a war hero turned heart throb?

“Professor Snape, why have you hidden your ability until now? Was it due to your activities before and during the war?”

“Professor Snape, is it true that you are actually carrying the new Dark Lord as foretold in a prophecy made by Professor Sybil Trelawney?”

“Can you tell the readers of Magical Mothering what décor you have chosen for your nursery?

Snape was literally gob-smacked with the sheer volume of questions being pelted at him. He had never felt this cornered and hunted before and that was saying something considering some of his past activities. Luckily, Dumbledore interceded on his behalf.

“Ah, ladies and gentleman of the press. You must understand that this is something of a personal nature and should not be bandied about in front of impressionable youngsters. Professor Snape is distressingly single at the moment and therefore the questions of an imminent child are quite premature. And I assure you that no prophesy has been made, to my knowledge, by our Professor Trelawney. Now, as you have seen for yourself, Professor Snape is still our same beloved potions teacher and has no plans with anyone special. So, if you like, there will be refreshments in the staff room and please, no interviews of the students. Thank you.”

Snape had composed his outward appearance by the time the speech had ended and was already inwardly fuming at Dumbledore’s choice of “impersonal” information to deliver to the press. Was it necessary to enlighten the world as to his single status and that he had no plans of being with anyone? And “beloved”? Snape would teach class naked for a day if there were one person in the castle who would think of him as their “beloved”. Dumbledore was up to something to let those vultures in and divulge the tid-bits that he did. Snape would have to keep an eye on that. With that thought, he gathered up his pile of goodies on his way out of the Great Hall. After one flash went off, he glared at all assembled and hastened away to his dungeon.

A little while later, similar thoughts of suspicion were being voiced by Professor McGonagall. She had followed the headmaster into the staff room to assist with the media and once Hagrid escorted them out, to avoid any impromptu student interviews, she had turned to Dumbledore with a knowing look.

“Now, Albus, what was all that about? I am surprised that you even allowed them in here and then to announce to the world that Severus is available after this news was released? What are you up to?”

“Minerva, I have no idea what you could be implying,” he said with that suspicious twinkle in his eyes. Minerva pressed her lips together and narrowed her eyes. After another moment of staring at the wizard, she also clasped her hands in front of her and raised an eyebrow. Dumbledore finally relented with a soft chuckle.

“Very well, Minerva. It occurred to me that our Severus is still quite young and has no real intention of coming out of that dungeon to seek out a life for himself. Perhaps it’s my inner cupid, but I have the urge to match-make. And since our dear boy will not go out, we shall have to bring them to him, don’t you think?”

Minerva smiled and began walking with her old friend. “Actually, Albus, I was having similar thoughts myself. He has too much life to live to hole himself up in the dark. But, I think shoving him out in the midst of a circus may be a bit much for him. And with your words acting as a starter pistol to all the wizards out there, I believe we shall have to make sure our dark fox doesn’t run to ground.” Albus chuckled again as he held out his arm for Minerva to take.

As they began their way down the corridor he said, “Let the games begin.”