Our Wasted Love

Chapter 4: Death Wish
When one wishes for death it can sometimes find you.

Harry walked into the Gryffindor common room after leaving Draco in the Great Hall. He approached Ron and Hermione at their usual spots on the sofa in front of the fireplace. Ginny was sitting with them. She looked up at him and he saw her brown eyes turn sad at the sight of him.

At this Harry felt an odd pang in his chest that quickly left him. He shrugged off the strange feeling and sat down in one of the chairs beside the sofa. He was so tired and bored and angry that he just threw his head back and let it rest against the chair.

“Where were you? Dinner was over half an hour ago?” Hermione asked in her usual nosy way.

Ron looked over at Harry and waited for his answer. What did they care? Harry asked himself this before he realized it didn’t really matter and told them he was talking to someone after everyone had left the Great Hall.

“Who?” Ginny whispered, her voice soft and unemotional.

“Malfoy, actually,” Harry told them. He saw no point in lying. If they really wanted to know then he had no problem telling them.

Hermione and Ron looked at each other and then back at Harry. “There wasn’t any trouble was there, Harry?” Hermione asked looking as if she cared if he got in trouble.

“No.”

“Well, that’s good news,” Ron piped in.

Ginny turned back to the book that she had been reading and said nothing more to the three of them. After about twenty minutes she got up and left without a backwards glance at Harry or anyone at that.

“Something’s up with her,” Ron told Harry.

“Yeah?”

“Definitely. She’s always so quiet these days, and she always has this kind of sad detached look in her eyes. I think she’s having some guy troubles or something. Wish I knew who it was. I’d teach him not to hurt my sister,” Ron ranted and Hermione patted his shoulder, whispering to him to calm down.

Harry wasn’t worried about Ron doing anything to him, but he also didn’t want to tell Ron that it was his fault Ginny was so sad all the time. He couldn’t help it, he just didn’t care enough to go through all the trouble it would cause. Besides, he knew he should’ve never touched Ginny in the first place. Then none of this would have happened.

But it was too late for that now. It had been her decision and now she was dealing with it. Harry wished he could erase everything that had happened in his lifetime, but that was impossible to do now, and it didn’t matter anyway. This was what life had dealt him and now he was dealing with it.

He knew he could just end it now. There was a simple spell that he’d read in one of the books from the restricted section in the library. He’d thought about using it many times, but now he didn’t really care enough to do it. He wanted to kill Voldemort and Bellatrix before he kicked the bucket anyway. But he could never do that if he didn’t get out of this school.

Harry stared into the fire and thought about tomorrow night. Hopefully this time he’d be able to stop thinking long enough to keep him sane for a few more days. He was starting to need someone almost everyday now. It wasn’t that big of a problem just a bit of an inconvenience when it came to separating himself from the people he slept with. Half of them actually thought he wanted more than the physical, but they soon figured out that he only wanted the fuck. Most were greedy for that much. Harry didn’t care as long as they didn’t get in his way and were there when he needed them.

Draco was going to be the best one. He could tell that he would feel absolutely no guilt or any feelings period. He’d never felt anything but hatred for the boy and now there was nothing. It would be so easy to fuck him and walk away. There would be no sad eyes--like Ginny’s--from Draco.

This was going to be easy.

******

He knew he shouldn’t have gotten his hopes up. Like Draco would ever love him, or want him for anything more than a “fuck.” He’d been so stupid. Blaise knew he should have seen this coming.

And on top of that little scene they’d had in the Great Hall he knew who it was Draco really wanted. Harry Potter. It was always Harry. That boy always got everything. And now he’d have Draco.

Blaise wept painful tears. He’d thought he’d cried himself out last night, but still more tears fell. He hugged his pillow close to him and imagined Draco’s face. He couldn’t believe how screwed up things had gotten. Where had it all gone wrong?

Nothing seemed worth it anymore. Blaise hadn’t known he was so weak, but here he was: crying like a girl and wishing he could end this terrible, gut-wrenching pain in his heart. To just make everything stop hurting. It would be such a relief to have a way out of this.

Suddenly Blaise knew what he had to do. He got a piece of parchment and jotted down a quick note, then grabbed his wand.

Blaise hoped it would be quick. He knew he had no other choice. There wasn’t anything else to look forward to in his life.

This had to be done.

******

The entire school was talking about it the next day.

They said that he had left a note, but no one knew what that note said. Everyone was whispering about it, but the staff had yet to inform the students if this rumor was true or not. Most hoped it wasn’t true, others didn’t really know what to think.

It was sad to think that a student at Hogwarts would commit suicide for any reason. Something else no one knew yet was who it was. All anyone knew was that it had been a boy and that he may have been in Slytherin.

Draco noticed that Blaise wasn’t in class that day. Several others were starting to notice this too, and by the noon meal everyone was talking about how Blaise was the boy who had killed himself during the night.

It couldn’t be true and Draco wasn’t going to believe it until he had the proof in front of him. He was wondering when the teachers were going to tell everyone what had happened. He knew something was wrong because the entire staff looked mournful. So the fact that someone had died or was seriously hurt was true. But it couldn’t be Blaise. The boy hadn’t been that stupid. Had he?

It was soon after lunch that everyone knew what it was the letter had said. Pansy Parkinson swore she overheard Professor McGonagall reading it to Professor Sprout. “I wrote down what I heard and here it is,” Pansy told a group of Slytherin’s in the hallway before they had to go to History of Magic.

To my Ex-Lover (you know who you are),

I see now how stupid I was to have thought you would ever love me. And I know that my demise will probably mean nothing more to you than an interruption in your daily routine. And despite all the things I know about you now, I still love you. I always will. I hope that you’re happy with that other person. I know he’ll make you happier then I ever could. My wasted heart will always love you...
Good-bye,
Blaise

Draco stared at the paper. The stupid boy had killed himself over him! He couldn’t believe it. At least he’d had the decency not to put Draco’s name in that. He could only imagine how crazy that would have made everything. Only he would know the truth behind this note.

Him and Harry anyway.

Harry. Oh Merlin, would he even want to go ahead with their plans for tonight? Draco knew he was being an ass, since someone had just died, but he didn’t want that to get in the way of whatever Harry had had planned for that evening.

It wasn’t his fault that Blaise couldn’t handle his own self-broken heart. He’d never let the boy believe there was anything between them, so why should he have to suffer for the Slytherin’s stupidity? He only hoped that it wouldn’t effect tonight.

Dinner was a very quiet meal. Draco couldn’t remember there ever being such a quiet meal at Hogwarts. Everyone just stared at their plates, and those who did talk at all spoke only in whispers. Not one person seemed to be in a happy mood. The whole school had read the note by now and everyone was waiting to see if Dumbledore would tell them about it tonight or in the morning.

At the end of dinner after everyone had finished eating Dumbledore stood up and what talking had been going on stopped at once. The entire school was waiting for the news that they all knew already.

“I’m sure everyone has heard that one of our students took his life last night. I’m afraid that it’s very true. Blaise Zabini chose to end his life last night and I know he will be sorely missed. Blaise was not a weak person and I want you all to know that there is never any reason for you to feel you have no other way out. Everyone of you is worth the air that you breathe. The staff and I are here if any of you need to talk to someone,” Dumbledore ended his speech and looked around the Great Hall.

Draco noted that the usual gleam that was always present in Dumbledore’s eyes was gone and he looked extremely disconsolate. He’d seen Dumbledore this way only one time before when Cedric Diggory had died. At the time they’d all thought Harry had killed him, but now everyone knew it had been Voldemort.

Draco shuddered at the thought of Voldemort. He didn’t like to think that he was afraid of many people, but Voldemort was one of the few he would admit he was afraid of. Draco was glad that Voldemort hadn’t yet asked him to become a Death Eater. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to tell him no. He didn’t want to be on the losing side of the war, and he knew that Voldemort and his followers were going to lose.

The look in Harry’s eyes told of the outcome of this war. Harry was going to kill Lord Voldemort if it took his own life to make that happen, it would happen. That was another reason he loved Harry so much. The fact that he wouldn’t give up on something he wanted so badly. That’s how Draco felt about his love for Harry. He would never give up on it.

Draco left quickly after Dumbledore had stopped talking. He wanted to get ready for tonight. Even if it was just to go there and be told that Harry was no longer in the mood for a fuck, he wanted to make sure he looked his best. He was a Malfoy after all, and they always had to look perfect.

******

“I heard he used Avada Kedavra on himself,” Dean whispered.

Hermione gasped, “No!”

“Can you even do that to yourself?” Ron asked.

They were all sitting at a table in the common room some time after dinner had ended. Harry was listening but he wasn’t joining in on the conversation. Whenever he thought of that particular curse he thought of his mother and father and how they had met their untimely deaths. And all because of that damn prophecy!

“I don’t think he could have used that curse,” Hermione said airily. “Remember what Moody, well the fake Moody, said in fourth year? When he showed us the Unforgivable Curses, he said that we could all point our wands at him and saw the curse and he probably wouldn’t even get a nose bleed.

“You have to be a very powerful wizard with a lot of practice to perform that curse. And I really don’t think Blaise was that talented,” Hermione informed them.

“Okay, but what spell could he have used? If he used a spell at all. Maybe he did it the Muggle way,” Seamus said.

Harry knew what curse Blaise could have used but he wasn’t about to tell everyone that he knew of such a spell. It would cause far too much attention to him about why he even knew about it.

“I think I know of one he could have used. I read of one in a book once,” Hermione whispered again.

“But a curse like that would be in a book that’s in the restricted section,” Ginny told her.

“Well, of course!” Hermione said.

“I think I know which one you mean,” Harry said from behind his hand, which he had rested his chin upon.

Hermione turned wide eyes to Harry and asked why he would’ve read that book in the first place.

Harry shrugged and answered her, “I was bored and couldn’t sleep one night. So, I went for a stroll in the library.”

“Yeah, in the restricted section,” Hermione said in a huff. “I had a note when I read that book.”

Harry just blinked at her and waited for her to talk again.

“Well, what spell is it?” Neville asked nervously.

“It’s a breath-stopping spell. You can perform it on yourself and it’s as if you’re drowning, but it happens a bit quicker than it would if you were actually drowning in water. It’s a terrible spell. I don’t know why it was ever invented,” Hermione shuddered.

“I bet that is the one he used on himself,” Ginny gasped.

“Well, we really should call it a night,” Hermione told the group. “It’s fairly late and we do have classes tomorrow.”

Everyone groaned but obligingly got up from where they were seated and headed for their beds. Harry stayed seated. Hermione glanced at him and waited until everyone had left the common room to talk to him.

“Aren’t you going to go up to bed?”

“Nah, I’m not very tired. I think I’ll stay up a bit longer. Maybe read a bit,” he answered as he pointed to his Transfigurations book that was lying in front of him.

Hermione gave him a strange look and sat down next to him. “Are you sure you’re alright, Harry? I really feel like we haven’t been able to talk like we used to. Too busy I guess.” She shrugged her shoulders.

“Yeah well, it has been a hectic year. I don’t know why you keep asking me if I’m okay though. You can see I’m just fine.”

“No, that’s not what I mean at all, and you know it. I know you took Sirius’s death hard and I thought your anger was very healthy, but you seem so withdrawn lately,” she said in a low voice.

“I’m just trying to accept it, Hermione. He’s gone and he isn’t coming back. What else can I do? I can’t stay mad forever.”

“I know, but I just feel like something’s different with you. I don’t know what exactly, but I worry about you, Harry. You’re one of my closest friends and I don’t want you to be unhappy.”

“It’s a little late for that isn’t it? When am I ever happy, Hermione? How can I be? When I’m at the Dursleys the treat me like I’m trash, something to be put up with,” Harry was putting on his act again, of anger, so that Hermione would leave him alone. “And when I come here I’m like a hostage. I can’t leave the grounds.”

“Harry, no one can leave the grounds now that the war has started.”

“Yeah, I know. Look I just want to read a little and then I’ll go up to bed, okay?”

“Alright, ‘night, Harry,” Hermione said calmly and walked over to a spiral staircase.

When she disappeared Harry checked his watch and decided he might as well head for the second floor classroom he’d told Draco to meet him in. He did need the human contact tonight and Draco was probably already waiting to give it to him.