Snape, Pissed Out of his Mind, Just After...

Hermione sat dazedly on her ostentacious, ministry approved and official mediwitch's clinical stool whilst examining Lupin's latest physical asphixiation.
"Yes, hmm..." she muttered, extracting a sample from the wound between his thighs and dampening the vial in the very ultra-scientific form of beeswax she had just created from five hydrollically incinerated tortoise shells and the ash from a Pheonix's reincarnation, mixing the refined household melting wax, lampooned within the cozy lurk-bed of his pubes.
"What is it? Is there anything you can do, Hermione?" Remus spluttered, his hand reaching to console his ragged prick only to discover it was still a bloody candle. He couldn't look at it -- the mess, and not to mention the retribution he was bound to suffer at the hands of Tonks once she found out!
"Well, Remus... there are several options," Hermione said smoothly, one hand resting on the werewolf's thigh, and the other creeping up to grasp the candle firmly, Remus howling in pain from the contact.
"We are magical and can easily just replace your fucking cock with a biological reparo charm, or we could actually attempt to ratify or at least make some headway on your own issues of inadequacy and self-loathing--"
"Well now, look at the fantastic job you've done so far on Severus! Oooh, what SHALL I choose?!" Spat Remus, very much put out at having been reminded of his shattered childhood and those lingering questions regarding his cock during adolescence. Certainly, Sirius at least served and fulfilled a certain need by unreproachingly accepting his polyamorous lifestyle with all of animagi in Northern Scotland, but there was only so much a young man can accomplish without professional talk-therapy.
"Don't be a bitch, Remus. Or do you dislike fucking them now you've got the equivalent of a buck in one's stead?" Hermione's barbs cut to the quick and Remus, like Severus, broke down in fits of monumental scraping at his own psyche.
"I've always HATED being a boy! My father used to... used to..." Hermione leant over and released his wax-tip with a sigh; these reminders of congenital frailty weren't doing much good it seemed.
"It's alright, Remus. You needn't explain any further than you feel you need to right now. In fact, I'd prefer if you would spare me the det--"
"He used to saddle me up like one of Santa' Reindeer!" Remus screeched, his eyes as pale a yellow as male baby chicks' pulped up bodies after disposal in the wood chipper, and his hands scrunched up into fists just below his chin as though suddenly transported back to those horrid seasonal doggy-dress-up kits, complete with fake ears, antlers and silver bells around the neck.
"It was so demeaning! I was forced to perform all of his sick little fantasies... and now... Tonks!" Remus continued to ball as Hermione harvested his werewolf's tears just as unceremoniously as she would've done any virgin's hymen, or potentially whilst collecting a pint or three of unicorn's blood... not that any of those opportunities cropped up very frequently. Not at all.
Suddenly, Severus swooped in with Tonks, both ambling through the classroom with vicious tread, storm-trooper style with large imposing masks to prevent any pourous leakage into their skin.
"What on earth do you look like?" Hermione asked sardonically, capping the vial and yanking the candle out of Remus without warning, a startling "pop!" filling the air only to be followed by explosive shouting as wolfie passed out good and proper onto a transfigured gurnie.
"Well, we are preventing any pourous leakage from entering our skin... obviously," added Severus at the end.
"Pourous leakage from what -- and OF what exactly?" Hermione scoffed and stood up to face them both. Tonks tapped her foot anxiously as she desperately needed to return Remus to their sparce sanctuary in order to test her Auror's theory on how much cock a werewolf could take if a werewold could take cock.
"Werewolf's blood -- you know it's uses!" Severus hissed in a mild whisper, Tonks' hair mutating into quill-sharp spikes and twisting into threatening poles of venom, spurting out at the top, not unlike many an innoculation needle.
"Yes... regaining lost limbs and other appendages as I recall -- you're confusing any such loss of libido related repurcussions with virgin's hymen. Honestly, Severus -- have you been taking your Altzheimer's medication as reccomended?"
"You whorish prude!" And with that, Severus ripped off his Michael-Jackson-esque mask and rushed off to reread his seventh year potions' manuals... and to perhaps remember where he could've put those tablets....
"I know what you're after, Hermione," said Tonks snidely, her hair slapping back and forth in thick, spewing quills.
"And what might that be?" queried Hermione legitimately -- she really had no idea what the hell she was on about.
"You've learnt nothing from Severus all of these years -- you would've thought some cute little Slytherin cunning would've wiped off on you. Well... it's at your own peril anyway. Remus is fine were he is--"
"Then how exactly did he rip off his male reproductive organ OF CHOICE?" Hermione posed this notion with all of the unshakable attitude of any cabinet minister, and the sex appeal of Curious George -- at least that's what was running through Tonks' mind as she said this.
Tonks blinked a few times before lunging toward Hermione, holding and pointing a scalpel between her breasts, which she'd pinched on her way in. She had also pinched her breasts but that went without any comment.
"What do you mean of choice?!" Seethed the ex-auror with all of her death-eater negotiating skills so obviously still retained.
"Well, considering Remus' obvious past, not to mention his rather... unconventional life with you--"
"Who are you to talk, you hymen-guzzling chia-pet!"
"For the love of Gyfu! You're a witch, why are you threatening me with a fecking scalpel... freak!" Hermione flipped the aforementioned weapon into the biological waste bin and smirked smugly.
"So you think I'm SO VERY sick just because I encourage Remus to live out his wilder side in Kink? At least I don't drug young preteen girls and snatch their hymens in order to retain that tightness some men -- obviously not Severus as I've seen him with Firenze just outside of our hov-- house in the Forbidden Forest! Who are you shagging on the side? And what gives you the right to judge me?"
Hermione hopped ontop of Remus' prostrate form and lounged supine as well by moulding her body to the superficial lacerations caused not by transforming, but by mutilative tendancies after every one of Tonks' romps. She took this opportunity to contemplate, running her impartial incessantly sensible fingers through her hair so that each strand was splayed out on Remus' comatose chest.
"Perhaps... perhaps I have subsisted on their "virtues" for too long, it's true... and the pourous leakage CAN lead to coldness, frigidity in bed... a lastingly ugly side effect. But I am still capable of assessing an abusive relationship when I see one due to my own parents' infallible and positively model one whilst growing up--"
"Oh yeah, considering you only visited them three months out of every year in total since you were twelve. Good God -- such a hippocrate!"
"Look, Tonks, not that I care," Hermione whipped her words with such fury Tonks' head actually quit spitting rat poison for a moment, "but Remus may want to change his gender due to all of this suppressed nonsense. And doing this might result in augmenting his sexual organs to boot. Not that I know or can possibly empathise with any of the emotional aspects of this disorder, but it certainly would be another fine surgery to list on my resume."
How Hermione did dream of erecting her own surgery just opposite St. Mungos -- spice psychiatric care up with a little competition instead of that over-staffed, over-paid useless monopolgy every bloody year refusing her applications.
"Here is what he found as a transient replacement, Tonks..." Hermione passed her the retracted implement of dick, "Oh and I may have to adjust the settingsofhistemporallobe while I'm at it, so -- off you go!"
"What?" asked Tonks, smacking her lips at the pink-tinged candle and oscillating one finger around in one ear to clear out some of the congealed wax that tended to settle there due to too many alternating hair care products each time she morphed.
"He might undergo a few psychological tweaks is all... nothing you'll notice, and then, I promise, you can pick him up with bells on after I'm finished! I'll even write his name on his cage for you."
"Mmm-kay," Tonks shrugged and toddled off toward the coridor just as Severus bumped past her to report from the staff room that hymens had recently been disappearing from various young witches during the past eight months.
"See, look? Isn't that odd since we were just discussing their properties, Hermione! And read this!" He jousted the flier beneath her nose to watch her reaction.
"Hmm, someone must have a lot of time on his hands to be wasting it away gossiping to McGonogal in the staff room of all places..."
"But LOOK, Hermione! Such fresh, ripe pussies, and all ruined without even a chance to pop the cherry -- it all boils down to whomever this culprit is!" Severus continued to tut at the missive as Hermione ran her hands under hot water and soap before administering the appropriate amounts of anaesthetic to Lupin, whose grotesque figure lay limp and mindless on her sacrifical slab.
"Oh, Remey... I'm going to make me a man, with blonde hair and a tan... who's good for relieve my t-t-t-tension!"
"Shall I come up to the lab," called Severus, "and see what's on your slab?"
"No -- achem," Hermione attempted to calm herself before answering, "another seven days and I can make him a man, Severus!"
Her eyes dilated into pinpricks before shouting in frightening exaltation, "A MAN!!!!!!!"