Seeker

Part
four: Harry

I’m
in the Great Hall for lunch. The conversations wash over me like a wave;
drowning me in words. I can’t speak. Don’t want to. I’m just sitting here
staring at my plate; not touching my food. 
My stomach protests to my lack of nourishment, but I don’t care.

Hunger
keeps me alert.

But
why do I need to be alert? Voldemort is dead. I know. I killed him.

It’s
like this nagging voice in my head urging me on to keep my head clear. To always
remain watchful. Sleep with one eye open. Don’t trust anyone.

Constant
vigilance.

Perhaps
I should get myself a magical eye and get it over with.

How
can all these people resume their normal lives as if nothing has happened? How
can anyone smile after so much bloodshed, so much death? And then they say
I’m numb inside!

You
all make me sick!

You
really do.

I
run out the Great Hall towards the first bathroom in sight and retch like my
life depends on it. Fuck, this hurts! The acid of my stomach scorches my throat
and my eyes sting with surfacing tears due to the lack of oxygen.

Thank
God; it’s stopping.

I
let myself sink to the floor and try to catch my breath. How can I possibly
throw up like this when I hardly eat anything?

I
scramble myself off the floor and make my way towards a sink to clean myself up.
I briefly glance at the mirror to see my reflection. I’m an utter mess. 

Funny.

I
look like I feel.

No
more
hero-destined-to-save-the-world-who’s-stuck-in-scrawny-innocent-looking-fifteen-year-old-boy.

No,
now I’m utter mess who looks like utter mess.

A
sound draws my attention to the door, but I look away again almost instantly as
I see who is there.

Shit
Draco, you shouldn’t be here! Go away. Don’t look at me. Don’t let your eyes get
tainted by the sight of me.

My
body trembles as I feel you closing in on me.

Don’t
touch me...

Please
don’t...

You’re
standing in front of me now. I can feel your hand cupping my chin to lift my
head up.

No!

You’re
looking at me and I’m looking at you. You’re so fucking close it hurts. My other
half. The half that’s lacking.

So
close.

I
can’t.

I
want.

I
shouldn’t.

I...

I
close the distance between us and softly kiss you. All thoughts of right and
wrong escape my mind once my lips make contact with yours. This is how it’s
supposed to be. Me and you. Together. Creating a whole.

I
need to feel you; touch you. Make it go away, Draco. I want to feel! I want to
feel joy for killing Voldemort! I want to feel happy like everyone else does.
Please touch me!

I
reach up to unbutton your shirt, but your hands grasp my wrists to stop me.

Please!

I
look at you pleadingly and receive a determined look in return, together with
.... pity? Is it pity you feel?

You
should pity me. Just look at me!

I’m
an empty vessel.

I
try to struggle away from your grip. I need to feel you. I need to feel
whole!

But
you won’t let me.

I
try to kiss you, but you won’t let me.

I
try to feel your skin, but you won’t let me.

Why
can’t you let me be whole, Draco? Why?!?

I
start punching you in the chest out of sheer agony, but you won’t stop me. You
don’t fight back. Why don’t you hit me, slap me, punch me? Curse me into the
seventh ring of Hell!

Hurt
me!

Like
I hurt you!

My
punches seas. My body is too weak. My mind too deadened.

You
pull me into a tight embrace and hold me close to you. I do not return it. I
can’t. I’m dangling into your arms like a rag doll.

“I
love you, Harry” I hear you whisper.

...

Love?

No.

You
can’t love me, Draco. Love kills. You can’t love me!

Please
tell me you’re lying to me. Please! Please Draco.

I
can feel your hand caressing my hair.

My
body is visibly shaking. I’d buckle through my knees to the floor, but you’re
arms steady me. I’m holding on to you for dear life.

I
can’t loose you!

Not
another one.

Not
you. 

No.

Not
you.

Tears
are escaping my eyes and silently run down my cheeks. I’m trembling violently.
My body is breaking down.

Or
is it my mind that is breaking down?

I
bury my face in your neck and start sobbing. I weep for everything that I
haven’t wept for. I weep for everyone and everything I’ve lost. I’ve lost my
family and I’ve lost friends.

And
I’ve even lost myself.

I’m
crying my heart out to you; spilling my tears out over your robe as you hold me
close to you. 

The
thought of losing you is so painful I can’t stand it! There’s a painful knot in
my chest. It hurts. I fucking physically hurts!

...

And
that’s when I know.

You
are my heart.

You
are the illusive Golden Snitch I’ve been searching for.

Hold
me.

Just
hold me.

We
sink to the floor as you continue to hold me in your arms; where I
belong.

In
the light.

Together,
with you.

The
Golden Snitch that is my heart.

***THE
END***