The Return of Sirius Black

Author: Lady Sirius

Pairing: assorted - Sirius/? (if I told you, then where would the surprise be?)


RATING: NC17

FEEDBACK: darklove_zorg@yahoo.com

DISCLAIMER: Of course all rights belong to JK Rowling - I would claim Sirius if I could (but alas this is not meant to be!) And the other rights belong to L. Frank Baum, and to MGM, and to Lewis Carroll

OOTP SPOILERS: Yes there are references, so don\'t read if you don\'t want to know.

DEDICATION: To my glorious, talented and wondrous inspiration - Gary Oldman


Chapter Four

Good Golly, Miss Molly!

\"....... and a moron shall lead them......\"


‘Ron\' the dilapidated scarecrow skipped merrily along beside Sirius and ‘Lupin\', keeping just out of reach of the aggravated Sirius, lest he make good his threat to stuff a mattress with him. His heart was light and his head empty, because of course he didn\'t have a clue, but he knew that he was on his way to see the great and powerful wizard of Sex-Oz, and that was good enough for him.

Sirius avoided all conversation with his companion as much as possible, as he really had nothing worthwhile to say, concentrating on what he would do once he reached Fornication City - the supplications he would make to the man in charge to ensure his return to his own world - a world of normalcy - and leave behind this loony toony place. ‘Moony\' licked his hand from time to time, and he was grateful of the wolf\'s company, even though he could not speak. Sometimes that was a blessing.

Looking ahead up the mellow brick road, Sirius became aware of a grove of trees in their path - from a distance they appeared to be fruit trees, and it was with a start that he realized that he, and probably ‘Lupin\', was hungry. \"C\'mon Remy,\" he beckoned, patting his companion\'s head, \"let\'s see what kind of fruit we might be able to find in this twisted place.\" He lengthened his stride as he spoke, forcing the scarecrow to break into a shambling run to keep up with him.

The tree were large and gnarled, twisted looking and eerie, and nothing could immediately be seen of any type of fruit among the branches. A disappointed Sirius shook his head in dismay - that figured. ‘Remus\' nuzzled him, sensing his perturbation, while the scarecrow cocked his cockamamie head, looking up at the trees curiously.

\"I\'ve heard about these,\" he said, \"I think they are called apple trees.\"

\"Apple trees!\" Sirius snorted contemptuously, \"take a second look - there\'s no apples on those damn trees. They\'re bloody useless!\"

The scarecrow scratched at his non-existent nose thoughtfully (shades of Michael Jackson!), and began to speak, \"I may not have a clue, but I think I know something about these things. Follow my lead.\"

Pretending nonchalance, he carefully approached one of the alleged fruit trees, Sirius following behind him, more out of curiosity than anything else. The scarecrow stopped in front of the tree, facing it squarely, hands defiantly on hips. \"Good day, Mr. Tree!\" he called out.

There was no response, and Sirius snorted.

\"Good day, Mr. Tree!\"

Again no response. Sirius rolled his eyes, shaking his head.

\"I said Good day, Mr. Tree!\" the persistent scarecrow continued, \"perhaps you can give me directions to the nearest fresh fruit stand - my friends and I are awfully hungry (here he peered around him carefully) and I understand from reliable sources that your fruit is rancid. So, if you would be so kind...\"

Sirius stared at the scarecrow in disbelief. Where were the men in the little white coats when you needed them? He started to turn away, when a movement out of the corner of his eye caught his attention. He turned back to find that the trees were not just gnarled, they were actually gnarled little old men with angry eyes and nasty dispositions. The branches above them began to quiver as they grew angry over the scarecrow\'s words.

\"What do you mean, rancid?\" a rusty voice demanded to know.

\"I don\'t really mean anything!\" ‘Ron\' protested innocently, \"it\'s just that I don\'t normally like eating something that smells like shit!\" He turned around as if to go, which only infuriated the tree creature more. Reaching up into its boughs, it grabbed for the nearest objects at hand, which just happened to be its own fruit, and began hurling them at the three travelers, the other trees about him quickly following suit.

Sirius was surprised at the objects with which he was being struck - these were certainly not apples in any form that he had ever seen (but then, what about this damn place was normal, anyway?) These were long and cylindrical, of a yellowish complexion, with a rubber-like coating over them. They resembled nothing so much as bananas, actually. He watched the demented scarecrow gather a number of them, and he quickly followed suit, taking care not to let any of the flying missiles strike him in a vulnerable spot. They took their booty, laughing at the angry trees behind them, and ran up the mellow brick road until the woody creatures were out of sight, pausing to rest in a bright, sunny meadow, which seemed to beckon them to sit awhile.

Sirius looked curiously at the strange fruit - although resembling a banana, it didn\'t seem to open up in the same way, what with the odd rubbery skin about it, and he wasn\'t sure if he needed a special instrument for this or what, when he happened to glance over at ‘Ron\', who obviously knew just what to do. Beginning at the top of the elongated fruit, he peeled carefully peeled back the rubbery skin, rolling it up until it came off easily in his hand, and Sirius could see that it was a...

\"Why, that\'s a bloody condom!\" he cried out.

‘Ron\' looked up at him in surprise. \"I don\'t know what they call ‘em,\" he replied, \"but I know how to use ‘em,\" and his hands dropped immediately to his crotch.

\"Don\'t bother, I already know!\" Sirius snapped, slapping at his gloved hands in irritation. \"You just don\'t give up, do you?\"

Turning his attention to the ‘banana\' in his hand, Sirius peeled back the rubber, revealing the firm flesh beneath - it wasn\'t as soft as a regular banana, but upon nibbling hesitantly at it, he discovered that its taste was not unpleasant, and he proceeded to devour it hungrily. The next one he broke up, allowing ‘Remus\' to nibble it from his hand. A few of these were fairly filling, and he lay back upon the sweet grass which surrounded them, feeling at ease for the first time since finding himself in this strange place. He ignored his odd companion, resting his hand on
the soft fur of the wolf and rubbing it gently. How he wanted to get home - it was the thought uppermost in his mind - back to Harry, to the real Remus, and to all his other friends. Hell, he would even be glad to see Snape again, hard as that was to believe!

As he lay there, contemplating the azure sky above, he realized that a strange sound was beginning to edge into his consciousness - he wasn\'t sure when he had first heard it, but it was definitely growing louder - sort of like a flute or panpipe, or something else along that order. He raised himself up on elbow, looking about.....

......and then he beheld a very odd sight indeed (and what may I ask was everything else he\'s seen thus far - normal sights?) A golden-haired man, playing a flute, was gaily skipping across the field in their general direction, leading a line of skipping children behind him. The man was extraordinarily clad in a glittering suit which sparkled and shone in the bright sun - as he came closer Sirius could see that he was actually covered in hundreds of tiny little mirrors! He skipped and leaped about the field centaur-fashion, the children gaily following him, until he noticed the reclining figures in the grass. He turned toward them and smiled, and when he smiled his teeth were found to be the most dazzling white - with tiny stars that danced about in his mouth like sunbeams.

\"Gentlemen!\" he greeted them, waving his arms in wide arcs about him (Sirius wondered for a moment if he was shooing imaginary flies), \"Greetings to you and yours (with a nod for the wolf)! Allow me to introduce myself - I am the Great Gildersnatch, as you may already have suspected, and you have happened upon me and mine on a most auspicious day!\"

Sirius rolled his eyes, looking the newcomer up and down suspiciously. There was something odd about this fellow - which was saying quite a bit considering all the other oddballs he had run across in this warped place. When he turned toward ‘Ron\' to gauge his reaction, he noticed that the stranger had the scarecrow\'s rapt attention - his eyes had taken on a glazed quality, and drool was hanging off of his lip like Cary Grant dangling off of Mount Rushmore. Sirius shook his head and turned away from the unsavory sight.

The Great Gildersnatch turned to the group of children behind him, beckoning them forward. Obediently they plopped themselves down upon the ground, forming a semicircle about the flamboyant man, looking up at him expectantly. He turned toward the man and the scarecrow, his smile blindingly brilliant in its intensity.

\"You may know me as the author of such world renowned bestsellers as ‘The Brave, the Bold & the Beautiful\"\' ‘Don\'t Hate Me Because I am Beautiful\', and ‘Bravery in the World of the Beautiful.\'\" Here he flashed his best smile at them. \"Thank you, thank you,\" he ‘modestly\' took a bow to an imaginary audience, \"I know you do...... And I believe that the events of today shall quickly take their place in the annals of all histories of the world as the most magnificent event ever......\"

Sirius heard the adoring oohs and aahs of the children at this blowhard\'s feet, which was bad enough, but when he heard ‘Ron\' clap his hands together, he rolled his eyes in disgust.

Gildersnatch began to pace about as he recited his tale, pale hands delicately pawing the air around him for emphasis. He cleared his throat importantly, as if about to address the House of Lords, and began to speak.

\"This morning I awoke at precisely six o\'clock of the morning, that\'s 0600 for you military types (this was added in a breathy stage whisper which caused Sirius to look about him, half expecting to see that a soldier had actually joined them), my normal time of awakening. I quickly arose, did my usual five hundred push-ups, one-handed of course, before glancing out my bedroom window to evaluate the outdoor weather conditions (‘as opposed to the indoor weather conditions?\' Sirius thought to himself), at which time I discovered that the day was indeed brillig and that the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe. Further examination revealed that the borogroves were all mimsy and the mome raths outgrabe.

\"Gentlemen as you may well imagine, for obvious reasons, I was most alarmed, and set out to investigate the situation immediately! I hastened from my home to discover a strange old man wandering upon the promenade. He rushed up to me immediately, crying out, \"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!\" I glanced about me (here he imitated the same movements, craning his neck about like a giraffe with palsy) but was disappointed to find that there was no such creature in sight, for of course who is not familiar with the Jabberwock? I would have asked the old man to go, to please leave, but before I could get the words out of my mouth, he had continued, \"The jaws that bite (darting glance, darting glance), the claws that snatch!.\" I thanked him most politely for his intelligence and would have gone on about my business, except that he had grabbed my lapel, wrinkling it in the most unfriendly way, and he actually shouted at me, \"Beware the jubjub bird and shun the frumious bandersnatch!\" Luckily he chose that moment to fly away, relieving me of his presence, and I was able to pull out my handy-dandy mini-iron and bring myself up to my usual impeccable standards!\"

Gildersnatch stopped her, glancing down to his audience. The children listened, enraptured, while Sirius wore a barely concealed look of boredom, and ‘Ron\' continued to drool upon himself. Satisfied that he was still the center of the universe, Gildersnatch continued his mad tale:

\"After this strange encounter, I decided to take an aggressive course of action. I took my vorpal sword in hand, for after all long time had I sought this maxome foe. I stopped to rest beside the tumtum tree, a favourite spot of mine, and stood there awhile in thought. To my surprise, as I stood there in uffish thought, the jabberwock, with eyes of flame, came whiffling through the tulgey wood, right up to the very spot where I stood, and as it approached, I could hear it burble! Wasting no time at all, I swung my weapon - one, two! one two! And through and through the beast my vorpal blade went - snickersnack! Needless to say, I left it dead, and with its head, I went galumphing back., to be greeted by my commanding officer. Says he, \"And hast thou slain the Jabberwock? Come to my arms, my beamish boy!\", which I considered to be rather an overreaction to the news, but well within his rights as an officer and a gentleman, to which he then proceeded to add, \"Oh frabjous day, callou, callay,\" as he chortled in his joy.

\"I stood there, with the adoration of the entire world being rained upon me, and I said to myself, ‘Gildersnatch (I very often call myself Gildersnatch, you see), Gildersnatch, another job well done! And all in a day\'s work, I might add. As I went about my business once again, ready to face more fierce creatures, while being both urbane and beautiful, I realized that nothing had changed since the day had first begun - twas still brillig, the slithy toves were still gyring and gimbling in the wabe, the borogroves were still mimsy and the mome raths outgrabe.\" His tale completed, the pompous popinjay proceeded to take bows right and left - the children cheered, and the scarecrow applauded so hard that pieces of him went flying all over, but Sirius was determined not to pick him up, ignoring the whole situation. ‘Remus\' had fallen asleep beside him, stretched out comfortably by his side. He patted his faithful companion absentmindedly, his thoughts drifting to the real Lupin, wondering what he was doing, and whether he was thinking about Sirius too. And how was Harry - was he having a rough time of it, having apparently lost his godfather, his only relation left in the world, to the same forces which had bereft him of his parents? Sirius sighed, feeling rather impotent, anxious to get to Fornication City and possibly his only way home - and here he was being detained by Liberace\'s clone! Fuck this shit, he decided, we\'re out of here.

Standing abruptly, he awakened ‘Lupin\'with his movements. The wolf stood, shaking itself. Seeming to sense a change in Sirius\' mood, it whined and pressed against him reassuringly. Sirius glared at ‘Ron\' in disgust. \"If you can manage to pull your tongue out of that idiot\'s ass, I\'d like to leave now. With or without you, I might add...\"

Without glancing back, Sirius and the wolf made their way back to the mellow brick road, continuing on their way. He knew that the scarecrow would follow them - what else was he going to do? - and sure enough, he could hear him scrabbling along the paved road in their wake.

As they proceeded on their journey, Sirius could hear the booming voice of the Great Gildersnatch behind him, calling out, \"Farewell, friends, may your journey be a successful one, and may our paths cross again some day!\"

Sirius muttered to himself, \"I hope the fuck not!\"