Searching My Soul

Searching My Soul by snapesgirl1981 Chapter 4 In the night Harry tossed and turned in his sleep reliving the horrible scenes in the ministry over and over again being forced to watch his godfather being murdered by his cousin until a loud bang downstairs made him stir in his sleep. Very much relieved that it was over and he was awake Harry felt for his glasses on the nigh table and put them on to transform the blurry mist to concrete and clear forms. He listened carefully and could hear whispers outside in the hallway. They were slowly fading but nevertheless Harry's curiosity was triggered. What had happened? He carefully got up and tiptoed to the door opening it so that he could see the now again deserted hallway. He left his room and was about to sneak to the stairs when a strong arm held him back gripping his collar tightly. He almost tripped but was steadied by a tall lean frame and then he heard a voice that made him blush for some reason. "Potter, be quiet and follow me!" Snape hissed and pulled him down the hallway into a rhe hhe had never dared to step into, a room he had longed to be in for two days now and a room which was very clearly Severus Snape's bedroom. A huge bed with four posters and simple white linen sheets and a small table littered with parchments and books were the only furniture in the room. A comfortable looking arm chair stood in front of the unlit chimney, a book on his arm rest that had obviously been read in before. Snape stepped to the window silently, his movement graceful and peered outside into the darkness. He then tapped his wand on the window sill making the whole thing glow momentarily red. "Sir? What happened?" Harry got nearer to the window but Snape met him halfway and pushed him towards his bed applying pressure on his shoulders so that he had to sit down. For a second Harry was flustered and felt his groin stir but then Snape held his gaze. "Are you alright, Potter?" His face didn't show any alterations but Harry thought he heard concern in the potions Master's voice. He nodded silently still unsure how to react to being in his teacher's bedroom. Then he involuntarily gasped when Snape gripped his jaw and bent his head upwards carefully tracing the clear outlines of the scar with his index finger. "Did it hurt in the last hours?" "No." Harry shook his head shortly. "I had nightmares though," he added almost to himself. Snape let his head go and sat down next to the boy on the bed. "What about?" For a moment a bitter voice inside Harry's heart hissed that Snape didn't deserve to know about his pain, he wasn't the one to confide in about Sirius' death and how that still affected him but then the aggression left as fast as it had come. "Sirius's death." Harry's voice sounded hollow. Snape's face visibly closed up and he got up again turning to the window. "So the dreams weren't about the Dark Lord?" The boy got up silently and joined Snape at the window. "No, ven'ven't dreamed about him since he disappeared in the ministry." Looking up into Snape's face Harry tried to make out an emotion in the man's controlled face but it was thoroughly blank. Sighing he stared into the darkened outside, the deserted street with some softly shining street lights, stretching out before him. They stood like this for a while and it was clear that Snape wasn't about to explain to him why he had dragged him here in the first place. "Sir, why did you take me here?" Harry had his eytilltill fixed on the street outside where now slowly a dark car moved past the house. But still he could almost feel Snape's intense stare as the potions Master looked at him. "The headmaster ordered me to." A surprising wave of disappointment bathed Harry and at the same time he wondered why he had ever thought that there would be any other reason for Snape's uncharacteristic behaviour. Just because he had begun to have wet dreams about the most hated teacher and had masturbated thinking about him? Not very likely. It was only hormones. 'How many times have you cited that already? It doesn't make it any truer if you repeat it ten times a day.' Harry thought. Instead of saying a word about his thoughts he decided to try another topic- still a very explosive one but he was encouraged by Snape's civil behaviour in the last days. "Sir, could I ask you a question?" He sounded even more hopeful than he was aware of. Snapisedised one brow slightly. "I can't very well hinder you, can I Potter?" Again Harry was struck that his sarcastic voice lacked the usual spite. He turned his head so that he once again faced Snape boring his green eyes into the onyx ones wanting to convey his honesty. "If you told me no, I wouldn't ask you, Sir." For a short moment some amusement flickered in the professor's eyes, and then he made an encouraging motion with his hand. "Then go ahead!" Harry inhaled and tried to steady his trembling hand. "Beforcan can ask you my question, I have to apologize, Sir." It was getting increasingly difficult to not avert his eyes but something told him to hold on, to let the man explore his mind if he wanted to. Instead Snape cocked his head in obvious surprise and then crossed his arms in front of his chest. "And about what, Potter?" His voice sounded silken and from experience Harry knew to treat carefully here. "For prying into your privacy, Sir and for using an unobserved moment to feed my curiosity which led to me watching one of the thoughts you had stored in Professor Dumbledore's pensieve. I shouldn't have done that Sir and I understand that you got angry." It was by now almost impossible to keep his eyes on Snape's features. He had instantly tensed when Harry had uttered the word pensieve and now he looked for a moment as if he wanted to hex Harry. But then he relaxed his grip on the wand and his features relaxed. "Very well, Potter, I hyou you will respect other people's privacy of thoughts in the future and maybe you will loo the the complete picture before you judge people." Snape turned around once again and faced the window. "Now, we don't have all night. What was it you wanted to ask?" he inquired softly. "Would you reconsider, if you take recent events into your consideration, to maybe start my occlumency lessons again, Sir?" Snape's face hardened and Harry hurriedly added:" I promise you, I will apply myself this time and I will practise Sir every night, as long as it takes to empty my mind of emotions. I have to be able to close my mind, Sir or Voldemort will maybe use information there." He gripped the window sill. "I don't want any more people to die just because I wasn't even trying." For a moment Snape stayed silent until he cleared his voice. "Under one condition, Potter." He paused momentarily and then, when he continued his voice was slightly softer. "You promise to practice every night before you go to bed and you keep your hands from my pensieve!" Harry nodded relieved and then without warning he had to yawn. He blushed instantly and for a second he thought a smile was beginning to tug on Snape's face. "Why don't you go to sleep? I was ordered to keep you in here till the headmaster returned but that doesn't mean you can't use my bed." Snape motioned to the bed and maybe if Harry had been not so tired he would hes hesitated more but so he simply crawled into the warm comfortable bed and instantly fell asleep. Again I am humbled by your gracious and heart warming words. I am glad I got no complaints for now and I am very much relieved that even some people who are not used to this pairing enjoy the story. It is my first time with HPSS as well so we are in the same boat. Expect some more lemon next chapter.