Albus, I\'ve Knocked Up a Weasley

A/N: Please forgive any misspelling of names of canon characters. Looking up correct spelling would have put this update a day later. Sorry it took so long as it is!

Chapter Four: One Million and One Magical Baby Names

“I can’t believe you’d say that shopping with Professor Snape was fun,” Harry said the next day, shaking his head in disbelief.

“But it was,” Ron laughed. “The looks on his face! Mum was running around looking at the different baby patterns for a nursery and saying stuff like, ‘Oh, Severus, the teddy bears are so sweet, don’t you agree?’ and ‘What do you think, the baby unicorns or the dancing droxies?’ And all he could do was smile in that pained way of his and grumble. It was hysterical!”

“Well, I’m saving that issue of the Daily Prophet,” Hermione practically swooned. “I know he’s faking it, but the pictures of Professor Snape holding up baby clothes and inspecting carriages makes him seem a little more approachable, down to earth, human. Dare I say? Even a little on the handsome side.”

Harry and Ron crinkled their noses up in disgust.

“Oh, stop,” Hermione’s eyes rolled. “You know I’m trying to fiomeoomeone for him. These pictures will make it all a great deal easier.”

“Oh, I thought you were going to post them all over your dormitory.”

“Harry, I’m still a tad nauseated. Don’t make it worse,” Ron complained as Hermione glared, stuffing the Daily Prophet away.

“Will you two stop. We still have to finish our menus for the ‘Dinner With Your Muggle In-Laws’ assignment in Home Economics. I need a good grade on this. I can’t believe you two got a better grade on the Infant Care assignment than I did.”

“Well, with Harry being all… well, Mum-like, we were bound to get top marks,” Ron laughed, ducking to avoid the playful cuff Harry aimed at his head.

“Well, I guess it was time for Harry to be better at something than me,” Hermione replied, a teasing glint in her eye.

“Hang on, Hermione,” Ron admonished. “Harry’s always been better at Quidditch than you.”

“Oh,” Hermione responded, affecting a look of innocence. “I meant better than me at something that matters.”

Both boys glared, looking at her as if two-headed fire crabs had started falling out her nose.

* * *

Hermione walked hurriedly to Mrs. Weasley’s office, clutching her bag in front of her. The two were now having weekly meetings of OMM (Operation Match Maker). The young woman was looking forward to their regular updates.

“I’ve collected the letters from this week,” she announced when she walked in and dumped the contents of her bag on Molly’s desk. “There’s twenty three.”

“Wonderful!” Molly exclaimed, beginning to paw through the various letters her son had received over the week. “I’ve also received letters from women interested in marrying him. We’ll cross-reference and see who sent letters to both. Those we’ll put in a pile to consider first. The ones that wrote just to Ron, we’ll consider second and the ones who just wrote to me, well, that’s rather rude, so we won’t consider them at all.”

“Good idea. And I’ve confirmed that the new Herbology TA is single. I’ve moved her to Professor Snape’s right. She’s closer to his age than Madame Pomfrey, so I moved her down one seat.”

“Good, good, and I got the owl back from Arthur’s sister Agatha just yesterday. She can attend the Christmas feast with the rest of the family. She thinks it’s just to see her youngest nephew. Personally, I’m hoping that’s the one that works out. We’ve been trying to marry her off for ages and it would bring Severus into the family.”

“That would be lovely,” Hermione agreed, somewhat starry eyed. “What do you think; sit her to his left or directly across from him?”

“Who else have you got lined up?”

“Professors Sinestra and Trewalney and Madame Hooch.”

“Put Sybil across from him and Agatha to his left. Maybe he’ll turn to talk to her to avoid that nutter.”

The two conspirators laughed.

“Ok, on to these letters.” Mrs. Weasley waved her wand above them and sorted them out the way she wanted and picked one up from the first pile. “This one is from a Norma Wainswallow. She’s thirty-two. My, but that’s a bit old for him.”

“Oh, I don’t know, sometimes older is better.”

“Well, we won’t eliminate her on that alone,” Molly said, smiling at Hermione’s far away look. “’Dear Mrs. Weasley, I have been following the plight of that darling son of yours and, as a woman who is childless but financially stable, I’d like the chance to offer myself as a wife to him and a mother to his child.’ Oh, I don’t know, that seems a little odd.”

“Well, here’s the letter she wrote to Ron. ‘Dear Freckle Nose, Has anyone ever told you that redheads are sexy?’”

Both women blanched then giggled.

“Well, I suppose that’s better, but I’m having a hard time dealing with the idea of anyone telling my son he’s sexy, especially someone fifteen years older than him.”

“Maybe I should deal with those,” Hermione laughed.

“Yes, dear, I think you should.”

“It could be worse, I suppose.”

“How so?”

“Old Mad Eye could be looking for a traveling companion again.” The mention of which was followe a c a collective shudder.

* * *

Severus took the teacup Albus offered him and sat back in his seat, resisting the urge to collapse in an ungainly sprawl.

“I must say, this outing turned out very well,” Albus smiled at him over his half moon spectacles.

Severus just grunted and took a sip, trying to relax. He really wasn’t sure what was worse, being labeled an unfit father or having to deal with the photos that had shown up in the Daily Prophet.

He knew they had put in the most flattering ones, something that took him a bit by surprise. He was certain the one with Weasley throwing up all over him would make the front page. Instead, the main picture had been of the three of them in the café; Molly’s back to the camera as the picture looped the actions of Snape setting the sundae down in front of Ron, Ron turning to look at him then back at his mother, her body blocking his gesture, then Snape’s mouth quirking in amusement.

The headline read ‘A Family in the Making.’ He just thought it was good that the camera was too far back to see that the boy had nearly been in tears.

“I take it the Ministry is pleased, then?” he asked.

“Yes, they are,” Dumbledore replied, bracing himself. Severus was much too calm for his liking.

“And the parents are pleased?”

“Yes. I’m beginning to get the impression, however, that you are about to, how should I put this, ‘lose it all over the place.’ What is it that you’re trying to hide under your cool exterior?”

“Those pictures,” he grated out, the only sign he was losing it was the teacup in his hand that had started shaking, “are not exactly in keeping with my character. My students are gawking, and whispering and, not showing me the respect I deserve.”

“In other words, they no longer cower when you glare.”

“Honestly, Albus,” he continued in an exasperated tone, finally letting his posture relax, “I’ve lost their respect.”

“Severus,” Albus smiled, “you never really had their respect; just their fear.”

“Respect, fear, what ever works. Or worked, because it certainly isn’t working now! My only amusement, anymore, is their misery.”

Dumbledore sighed and shook his head. He rose from his desk and began pacing around his office, offering Fawkes his arm on the way. The Phoenix stepped regally to him and then, much to the potion master’s surprise, onto Snape’s shoulder as Dumbledore stopped next to his seat.

“Perhaps it is time to begin employing a new set of tactics for gaining the students’ attention in class. A new outlook on your life and your person wouldn’t go amiss, either. You’re no longer a spy, Severus, and I don’t think you’ve been yourself for a very long time.”

“I hate to disappoint you, Headmaster, but I’m very much myself,” he replied haughtily. “If my personality does not meet with your approval, then it is something you’re just going to have to adapt to.”

Much to Severus’ consternation, Albus just smiled at him. Suddenly, Fawkes nipped his ear and began to nuzzle the side of his face. Snape turned and glared at the red plumed bird.

“You’re in on this, aren’t you?”

“Fawkes likes you,” Albus laughed, clearly enjoying the other professor’s discomfort. “A lot of people like you. And that’s my point. Hard as you try to keep people at arm’s length, you still win some of them over. Which is why I fully support the supposedly secret activities of one Miss Granger and one Mrs. Weasley.”

“Mrs. Weasley?” Severus asked weakly, absentmindedly stroking the bird’s back. “She’s in on Miss Granger’s insane plot to find me a *wife*?”

“Yes, well, Mrs. Weasley started out interested in finding someone for Ron and they decided to help each other out.”

“Dear lord, I’m a cursed man.”

* * *

‘Twas the week before Christmas, and all through the tower, Ron could find no privacy, not even in the shower.

“No, Harry,” Ron called over the sound of the running water as he lathered his hair. “I promise you, I’m in no danger of falling. If you must accompany me everywhere, even here, you stay *out there.* Understand?”

“Yes,” Harry groused, putting his trousers back on. “You’re still letting me come to Hogsmead with you, right?”

“Of course,” Ron sighed. “Just because I won’t let you shower with me doesn’t mean I’m not going to Hogsmead with you. You’re my best friend, and we always go together. That isn’t going to change just because you’ve suddenly gone barmy, now. If it comes to it, I’ll be sure to visit you at St. Mungo’s every weekend.”

“Will you be sure to bring the baby with you?” Harry asked playfully, grinning at his own overreactions.

“Sure thing, mate!” Ron laughed, turning off the taps and walking out to dry and dress. “Um, Harry, would you mind turning around?”

“Huh?” Harry looked at Ron, rather distractedly, before realizing what he’d asked. “Why?”

“Ah, you’ve just been acting oddly and it’s making me uncomfortable,” Ron admitted bashfully, blushing bright red.

Harry gave a disappointed sigh, but turned his back to his friend without complaint.

“Harry, what’s going on with you?” Ron asked, finally broaching the subject he’d been dreading. “We’ve been changing in front of each other for years, no problem. Now, you *stare* every time I so much as take off my shirt. s res really weird.”

“Oh, um,” Harry stammered, and then sighed, dropping his shoulders. “It’s nothing to worry about, Ron. I guess I’m just getting a little over excited about the baby. I know you’re not far enough along yet, but I keep looking, wondering when you’re going to start showing.”

“Oh, is that all!” Ron laughed in relief. “That’s alright, then.”

“Really?” Harry slowly turned around to see Ron shrugging into his shirt. He glanced down at the other boy’s still flat stomach.

“Really, Harry. Let’s get out of here and get to town. I need to restock on candy!”

“Too many sweets aren’t good for the baby, Ron.”

“Harry, don’t make me spend the day telling you to stuff it.”

* * *

The trip to Hogsmead had been just what Ron needed to lighten his spirits, as well as his wallet. The three friends had had a ball, wandering the streets together and hiding purchases that were obviously presents.

Ron decided that Harry seemed the most excited about Christmas. He had come out of a bookseller, eyes bright, face flushed and tight lipped. When the two of them had a moment away from Hermione, Ron tried to get him to tell what book he had bought the girl to get him so excited. Harry wouldn’t tell.

“That must be some book,” Ron said as they got ready for the Christmas formal. “Are you going to give it to her tonight before she leaves for home and put us all out of our misery? Or are you planning on sending it to her by Hedgwig in a couple of days so she gets it Christmas Eve?”

“Um, actually, Ron, that present wasn’t for her. It’s for you.”

“You got me a book? What about?”

“I’m not telling!”

Ron laughed, figuring it had to have something to do with Quidditch. He shot Harry an apprehensive look, though; considering the way the other boy had been acting since November, it could very well be a book on infant and childcare, he decided. He also decided that either way, Harry looked thrilled to be giving it to him, so he’d look thrilled when he opened it, what ever it was.

“Too bad Hermione couldn’t stay, too,” Harry commented as the two headed out of the tower and towards the Great Hall. “It would have been really great to have her here as well with your mum and dad and the twins being here ChriChristmas. Did you ever ask your mum why the three of us didn’t just go to the Burrow?”

“Yeah,” Ron nodded, looking a little put upon. “Seems she asked Snape what he was doing for the holidays. When he said relaxing by his fire and enjoying the quiet of the castle, she invited him home with us. When he refused, she owled the family and said we were spending the holidays here, with him. For once, I actually feel sorry for the sod.”

“Well, I think he should be happy to spend Christmas with his child.”

“Spend Christmas with his… what’s he going to do? Put his ear to my tummy and sing carols to the little bugger?”

Harry looked vaguely disturbed by that image, which just served him right, in Ron’s opinion.

* * *

Severus was uncomfortable. He suddenly felt as if he had been strapped into his dress robes in a similar manner as if he had been put in a straight jacket. That being the case, the women around him were his padded cell. It seemed they had all be apprised of Miss Granger’s intentions from the start and he was just grateful that his fellow professors and the Quidditch coach were not taking it seriously.

The Herbology TA and Arthur Weasley’s younger sister were another thing.

The entire Weasley clan had arrived that morning and was staying through New Year. After a brief conference with Ron, he had been under the impression that that would consist of Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, the little girl, who was still a student there at any rate, and the twins. It seemed that Ron had been as surprised as he had that his three older brothers and his aunt were able to get away from work and be there as well.

Speaking of the Weasley aunt….

“Madam, would you kindly keep your appendages to yourself,” he muttered to her as he grabbed Agatha Weasley’s hand, yet again, before it could crawl further up his thigh than it had.

She giggled at him and he rolled his eyes, shooting a grimace across the table and three seats down from him at Molly. She smiled back. He would have matched her smile with a glare and raised her a snarl if he hadn’t had to stop the hand that had attached itself to his other knee from making any progress up his leg.

“Madame Waverly, I beg you,” he hissed at the Herbology assistant, “mind your manners or I will be forced to report you to Professor Sprout.”

The mousy brown haired woman gave him a slight pout.

“She told me to go for it.”

With that, Severus squashed down the horrified look that was threatening to burst onto his face and abruptly stood.

“Dinner was lovely,” he said hurriedly at Professor Dumbledore’s look of dismay at his leaving. “However, I just remembered that I left a cauldron on a fire that should have only been boiling a few hours. Oh dear, yes, it should be done by now, don’t want it ruined. Good day.”

Albus chuckled at the other man’s hurried exit, but one young lady at the Gryffindor table was not amused. Hermione excused herself from her tablemates and headed out into the entrance hall, determined to head her professor off.

* * *

“Professor? Professor, please wait.”

Severus groaned to himself at the sound of Hermione Granger clattering down the hall after him. He twirled around and waited until she was even with him.

“Miss Granger, haven’t you humiliated me enough for one night?” he asked coldly. “Or do you intend to finish the job yourself?”

“Humiliate?” she asked, somehow looking both angry and hurt. “That was not my intention at all, as you well know. Actually, you weren’t supposed to know at all.”

“It certainly wouldn’t have been difficult to deduce just who had put me between two simpering, *grabby* females and for what reason. You were, after all, in charge of the seating at the head table.”

“So two of them were interested?” she smiled, pleased with herself and not paying attention to the fury that was falling over the potions master’s face. “But that’s good! Oh, you can’t honestly say you wouldn’t be happier if you had someone to share your life with. I mean, was the dinner really so bad?”

“Bad?” he repeated, a note of incredulity creeping into his voice.

With a flash of inspiration, Snape decided she needed a dose of her own medicine. At least, as much as he could give in that moment. He advanced on her, raising himself to his full height even as he leaned slightly towards her, and making certain his robes billowed to their maximum width. A look of terror crossed her face as she backed away until she hit a wall. Pinning her in place by slamming his forearms on either side of her head, he leaned in until they were nose to nose, their bodies a hair’s breadth apart and her frightened breath puffing against his mouth.

“How do you like having your personal space invaded by someone you revile?” he asked in an almost whisper.

She whimpered and he quickly fell away from her, smiling to himself as she fled, shaking, back to Gryffindor Tower.

“Little girls shouldn’t play with fire,” he called after her, in a practically sing song voice. “They might get burned,” he added in a more menacing tone.

It had been a truly awful dinner, but the dessert really made up for it.

* * *

A few days later, the Great Hall was host to the Weasley breakfast Christmas party. A long table sat in the middle of the decorated room, ten red heads lining the sides, only broken by the two black heads that belonged to Harry and Professor Snape.

“I’m so glad you children liked your sweaters,” Mrs. Weasley smiled, helping herself to eggs. Her brood of seven and Harry were all wearing the sweaters she knitted them every year, all of them blue with their initial in white. “Severus, where’s yours?”

All heads, including Dumbledore’s, who was sitting at the head of the table, turned to look at Snape. He was sitting on one of the sides in the middle, between Charlie and Percy, and looked amazingly disinterested in the proceedings as he solemnly ate his breakfast. He looked down at his usual wrap and then cast a look across him where Molly was seated.

“I’m saving it for a special occasion.”

Everyone smiled and returned to their meals.

“Well, I suppose I didn’t really expect to see you in it,” Mrs. Weasley admitted, though it was obvious she was disappointed. “Maybe blue was a little too much to start out with. I suppose I should have made yours gray, or brown.”

“Severus, you could change into it before the gift exchange,” Albus suggested, earning a glare from the professor. The headmaster felt a spike of pride for having caused the dour man to look something other than bland.

“I don’t see where that would be prudent; we’re opening gifts right after we eat. I see no need in making everyone wait for me just to change my shirt.”

“Oh… well, I suppose you’re right, Severus,” Albus smiled, noticing the younger wizard had slowed down his eating, glancing around to make sure he didn’t finish before anyone else.

After awhile, everyone finished eating and gathered around the large tree that had moved to the center of the room after the feast a few nights before. Dumbledore set himself up as the gift wrangler and began passing out packages to everyone. He noted, with an amused smirk, that Severus had bought a present for everyone; gift certificates to different shops in Hogsmead.

“Last minute gifts, Severus?” he asked good-naturedly.

“Actually, I finished my shopping at the beginning of December,” he replied. “I’ve just always felt it’s best if everyone get exactly what they want.”

“Well, I think it’s very thoughtful,” Molly giving a sharp nod and bright smile. “Thank you, Severus.”

Everyone gave Ron something for himself and then something for the baby, including a pacifier from Fred and George.

“It turns the baby’s mouth different colors,” Fred explained.

“That’s horrible!” their mother exclaimed.

“Aw, it’s harmless,” George reassured her. “Just like everything else we’ve sent.”

“You’re the ones who’ve been sending the notes with the pasted letters!” Ron laughed. “The little rubber wand?”

“That’s a teether,” Fred nodded.

“And the little glasses with the big nose and mustache? “

The twins just grinned.

“Well, this is a very heavy present, Harry,” Dumbledore interrupted as he levitated the last package.

“That’s my gift to Ron,” the boy smiled. “Don’t try to pick it up, Ron, you’re going to have to carry it like that.”

“It wasn’t that big when you came out with it!”

“Well, I shrunk it down to carry it home. But you can’t read it shrunk down. The words are too small.”

Ron walked over to where the headmaster had floated the book and tore the paper off. Staring up at him, in large gold letters, was the title /1,000,001 Mystical Baby Names/.

“Wow, thanks Harry,” he smiled, doing his best to look as happy as his friend did. “A million and one? Do you think I need that many?”

“Well, naming a baby is important. He or she will be stuck with it for the rest of their life. We need to pick the very best one, and you’re already two months along; we don’t have much time!”

Ron glanced over at Snape who was doing his best to look interested in his own gifts, afraid to open the one from the twins, which seemed to vibrate each time it was picked up. He noticed, though, that the older man was just as bewildered as he was. He seriously doubted it was for the same reason, however. Ron was going to have to talk to Harry about his use of the word ‘we’. Well… yell, berate, talt wat was going to be something along those lines.

TBC

A/N: As was stated earlier, this whole thing is plotted out, so decisions about what happens to the characters has already been made. From looking at the reviews (thank you!) some of you are going to be saying ‘I knew it!’ and some are going to be sorely disappointed. We don’t want to give anything away (after all, this really isn’t going to have much in the way of a plot twist, it’s a simple tale) nor do we want to disappoint anyone, but as a small hint, we meant what we said in the summary. Good news though, the next update should be much quicker! Love you all!

Thank you very much for the reviews:
Shiv (Hopefully Snape will stay in character, but I think he’s already slipping LOL)
Arnettra (Here’s the update, hope it was worth the wait!)
ash (Thanks!)