Freedom

Freedom

Freedom

Chapter Four

Author: Prongs

Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns all things 'Harry Potter.'

A/N: Thank you to everyone who rev reviewed this story.


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"I don't know what to say," Harry mumbled.  "I mean, I'm happy that you're alive and all, but this is incredibly strange, you know?"

James nodded his head in understanding.  "I agree.  It's just…well, you have no idea how much it means to me to see you again, Harry.  All of these years, I had no idea you were…" James' voice drifted off and he stared at his son hopefully.  "Are you angry with me, Harry?"

Harry sighed and sat down.  "No, I'm not.  I'm just shocked right now.  I can't believe you're really here."

James worriedly sat down next to his son.  "I'm so sorry I wasn't always here, Harry.  If only things had been different.  I wish I had been able to see you grow up," he said regretfully.

"It's not your fault," Harry replied softly.  He was busy staring at the wall across the room, avoiding his father's concerned gaze.

"Harry, if I had been stronger then none of this would have happened.  If I-"

Harry sadly glanced at his father.  "You remind me of Sirius."

"You really love him, don't you?" James asked.

Harry snorted.  "Not as much as you do, apparently.  Since only you can save him…"

"Gods, Harry, please don't be upset with me because-"

"I'm not upset about that," Harry interrupted.  "At least, I don't think I am.  I mean, Merlin, I don't know what I'm trying to say.  I do love Sirius, and I would do anything to see him alive again.  I'm happy that you can save him.  I guess it just hurts knowing that I didn't love him enough to bring him back to the world of the living."

James carefully placed his hand on his son's shoulder.  "I understand, Harry.  And I know that you love him.  It's just that…erm…what did Sirius tell you about…well…it's just that Sirius and I were…are, I suppose…"

Harry almost looked amused as he watched his father.  "What exactly are you trying to say?"

"Sirius was much more then just my best friend," James explained slowly.  "Did you know that?"

Harry's eyes widened.  "What?" he croaked.  "What exactly are you saying?"

James removed his hand from Harry's shoulder.  He started fiddling with his old robes.  All of a sudden, his throat was hurting again, and he felt completely exhausted.  

"Please tell me what you're talking about," Harry said quietly.  "I need to know what you mean."

"Sirius and I were married."

Harry just stared at his father in shock.  He had no idea what to say.  Everything was happening far too fast.  First, he discovered that his father never died…and now this…Sirius and his dad had been married.  

"Harry?  Are you mad?  Please say you're not.  I don't think I could handle the idea of losing you again.  I understand that this is extremely shocking for you, but…" James rubbed his hand across his forehead, which was feeling rather feverish.  "I guess I don't know what I'm trying to say."

"Are you all right?" Harry asked softly.

James removed his hand from his forehead and looked at his son curiously.  "Am I all right?  Harry, yo the the one who just found out that I'm alive and that your godfather and I were married.  Why in Merlin's name are you asking me if I'm all right?"

Harry sighed and tugged at his unruly hair.  "Because you look like you don't feel good.  You've been locked away for years…shouldn't Madam Pomfrey make sure you're okay?"

James shook his head and leaned back some.  "Harry, you're trying to change the subject."

"No, I'm not," Harry replied forcefully.  "I'm worried about you."

"I thought you were upset with me?" James asked.

"I never said that," Harry said.  "I honestly don't know what I'm feeling right now.  I'm overwhelmed and a bit confused.  But, I do know that I don't want anything to happen to you right now."

"Thank you," James whispered.  "I'm just so sorry, Harry.  Everything should have been so different.  If only…gods, what a fucking mess…"

"You really do sound like Sirius," Harry remarked, almost smiling.  Then, his smile faded slightly.  "What about my mum?  You didn't love her at all, did you?"

James bit his lip and almost asked for something to drink.  His mouth was dry, and his throat was becoming sorer by the minute.  However, he figured that Harry would think that James was dodging the question if he requested something to drink right now.

"Look, Harry, your mother was a wonderful woman.  She really was.  It's just that…well, I didn't love her...at least at first I didn't."

Harry's eyes narrowed.

"And she didn't love me at first," James added quickly.

"Then…why?" Harry asked.

James sighed.  "Sirius and I started dating in our fifth year.  I never really paid any attention to anyone else after that.  I mean, I had friends, of course, but Sirius meant everything to me.  I loved him more then you can possibly imagine."

"So, what happened?" Harry wondered aloud.  

James continued, "Well, after Hogwarts, Sirius and I moved in together."

"When did you get married?"

"Soon after," James explained.  "I asked Sirius to marry me while we were in our seventh year."

"So, when you moved in together, you were actually already engaged?" Harry asked as he digested the information.  He really had no earthly idea what to think about any of it at the moment.

"Yes," James replied, rubbing his throat.  

"Do you want some water?" Harry asked.

James shook his head.  "No.  I want to explain this to you first."

"Are you sure?  You really don't look that well."

"Gee, thanks, Harry," James said, actually grinning slightly.

Harry couldn't help but smile.  "You know what I mean."

"I do," James admitted.  "But look, I really want to at least explain some of this to you, all right?  You have a right to know."

Harry nodded and waited for his father to continue.

"Soon after we were married, Dumbledore came to us about some blasted prophecy," James continued.  "Basically, it stated that two particular people would have to get together and have a child that would, in the end, defeat the Dark Lord."

James paused and glanced at his son, who basically looked ill.

Sighing, James explained further.  "Dumbledore was positive that these two particular people were Lily Evans and myself.  We didn't believe him at first.  Sirius was about ready to hex him straight to hell.  Eventually, after several weeks of being bombarded with the facts, we caved in.  We knew that the prophecy was talking about Lily and myself.  We didn't want to believe it, but…well, we really had no choice.  So, Lily moved in with Sirius and myself, and she eventually became pregnant.  Sirius wasn't happy at all, and I can't blame him.  I was pretty upset myself, and Lily wasn't exactly thrilled."

"Fabulous," Harry muttered.  "It sounds like nobody wanted anything to do with me!  I wasn't born out of any love…just some fucking prophecy!  That's just fucking fantastic!"

James cringed, "Harry, that's not true!"

"Yes, it is!" Harry shouted, standing up.  "It's completely true.  I wouldn't be here if it weren't for Dumbledore's blasted prophecy!  Too bad you caved in…we all would have been much better off without me!"

James stood up and put his hand on Harry's shoulder.  Harry quickly moved and glared at his father.  "I don't think I want to hear anymore," he said quietly.

"Please let me at least finish," James begged.

"Why?" Harry practically hissed through clenched teeth.  "Why should I?"

"So that you at least know my side of the story completely."

Harry folded his arms across his chest and raised an eyebrow.  "Go ahead then," he muttered impatiently.

James took in a deep breath and continued.  "Well, erm, Lily changed her last name to Potter so that her parents would think we were really married.  If they had found out she was pregnant and not married, she would have had hell to pay.  I mean, she didn't really change her name, but she at lest pretended to."

"I'm sure Sirius loved that," Harry scoffed.

James sighed sadly at Harry's comment.  "I know he was upset.  As time passed, I grew closer to Lily.  I didn't love her as anything more than a friend, but before, we weren't even really that close of friends.  But, she was carrying my child, and I wanted to be there for her.  That definitely put a strain on my relationship with Sirius."

Harry almost snorted, but stopped himself just in time.  He clenched his fists and glared at his father.

"Harry, please understand that I do love you.  I loved you then.  When we first found out about the prophecy, we were upset.  It wasn't at all what we were expecting!  You have to at least understand that."

"I don't have to understand anything," Harry remarked bitterly.

"I can't blame you for being upset right now," James said tiredly.  "I just want you to know that I love you, Harry.  I had to have time to get used to the idea.  Once I did, I couldn't wait for you to be born."

"I'm sure Sirius was just as thrilled," Harry muttered sarcastically.  

"He was upset," James replied.  "I know I spent far too much time with Lily.  I still spent time with Sirius, but I was so excited about you, Harry.  I should have been there with Sirius more often.  I mean, he was my husband…he still is," James added softly.  "I have to make it all up to him…I have to."

Harry just looked at his father, who had returned to a sitting position again.  James ran his fingers through his hair and looked blankly at the wall across from him.  Harry waited for several moments, not knowing what to do or say.  His emotions were completely frazzled and confused, and he didn't dare open his mouth for fear of what he might actually say.

Finally, James lifted his head and stared into his son's emerald eyes.  "Harry, the day you were born was one of the best days of my life.  Sirius was there, too, and the instant he saw you, his entire attitude changed.  He loved you from the moment he laid eyes on you, Harry.  I insisted that he be your godfather, and Lily completely agreed with me."

Harry's eyes shone with tears at the thought of Sirius.  He slowly nodded his head, but said nothing.  

"After you were born, Lily planned on staying with us for several weeks, just to make sure that you were all right.  All along, we had figured that Sirius and I would raise you as our child.  Lily still wanted to be a part of your life, but she didn't want to ruin what Sirius and I already had together.  Besides, she had made other plans for her life, and-"

"I basically ruined all of her plans by existing," Harry commented dryly, his anger rising again.

"For Merlin's sake, Harry, she loved you more than you can possibly imagine!  Please stop talking that way.  You don't know the whole story, and you never will if you keep interrupting me like that!"

Harry's eyes narrowed.

James' throat felt extremely dry, and he desperately wished for something to drink.  He wasn't used to talking this much at all.  Plus, he needed a break from trying to explain everything to Harry.  He knew damn well that he was making a mess of things.

Harry just stared at his father, but said nothing.

James sighed and started speaking again.  "After a few weeks had passed, Dumbledore came by and told us that Lily had to stay with you for the time-being.  Sirius asked how long that meant, and Dumbledore said indefinitely.  We didn't know what to do at all.  I know that Lily was upset because she felt like she was ruining my life with Sirius.  Besides, she wanted to…" James voice trailed off, and he shook his head.

"Sirius loved to spend time with you, Harry.  He wasn't happy with the situation, but he adored you just the same.  So did I, and so did your mother.  We all loved you so much."

Harry's eyes were shining with a mixture of unreadable emotions, but he simply said nothing and waited for his father to continue.

"One day, Sirius started getting angry with me, asking me how long Lily would have to stay.  I told him I didn't know, and we got into an argument.  He left that night," James whispered.  "I still don't completely understand why.  I mean, I know that he was upset with the way things had turned out, but I never thought he would leave me.  I still think that something else was going on, but…I don't know.  I haven't seen him since…"

Harry opened his mouth to speak, but promptly shut it.

"Harry, I'm sorry for I said earlier.  Please talk," James begged.

Harry stubbornly shook his head.

James ran his fingers his hair again, in a nervous gesture.  I tried to find Sirius.  I think Remus knew where he was, but he wouldn't ever tell me a thing.  That strained my relationship with Remus completely," James admitted sadly.  "Eventually, Dumbledore insisted that Lily and I have a secret keeper to protect us and especially, you."

Harry bit his lip and waited for his father's next words.

"Harry, please say thinthing," James said quietly.

Once again, Harry refused.  

James shook his head.  "I asked Remus even though I was angry with him.  He declined, saying that we couldn't trust him because he was a werewolf.  I think he was worried about what would happen whenever he transformed.   I told him he would be perfect because he could obviously keep secrets since he was hiding Sirius' whereabouts from me.  After that, he slammed the door in my face, and I haven't seen him…since then."

James put his head in his hands and tried desperately not to cry.  He had spent years in that small cewellwelling on his words to both Sirius and Remus.  He was haunted by his actions and not a day went by that he didn't mentally berate himself for hurting his husband and his good friend.  And now, his son probably hated him.  

Harry watched his father warily.  He started to sit down again, next to James, but he decided against it and just stared at the exhausted man in front of him.  

The two remained in silence for nearly five minutes, at which time, Professor McGonagall opened the door.  She took one look at the scene in front of her and worriedly shook her head.  

"It's time for dinner," she said quietly.

"I'm not hungry," Harry replied flatly.

"You need to eat, Mr. Potter."

Harry shook his head.

"You will eat," McGonagall demanded.  "At least try to."

"I'd really rather go lie down for a while," Harry said.

"Eat," McGonagall ordered.  "Your friends are already in the headmaster's office."

Harry sighed and took one last look at his father.  James had lifted his head when McGonagall walked into the room, and he was quietly watching his son.  Harry bit his lip and then left the room.

"James?" Professor McGonagall whispered as she sat down next to her former student.

"I've made a mess of everything," James said hoarsely.

"No, you haven't."

"Oh yes, I have," James replied sourly.

"Let's get you to the infirmary, James.  You've been through a lot.  Madam Pomfrey needs to have a look at you.

James numbly nodded his head and allowed McGonagall to hurry him to the hospital wing.

Meanwhile, Harry was inside Dumbledore's office attempting to ignore Ron and Hermione's questions.  

He was about to say something entirely rude, which he would certainly regret later, when the door opened.

Dumbledore stood up and smiled warmly.  "Aww, Remus.  Please do come in."

~*~

TBC

A/N: I'm assuming that a lot of you probably have quite a few questions right now.  They will be answered eventually.  There is a reason that Sirius left James, and Remus does know the truth.  Also, James still doesn't know that Sirius spent so long in Azkaban…that will come out eventually, too…