A Wizard's Debt

Pansy.

I see you over there, you’ve taken your dress robes off due to the heat of the room; the dark green shirt hugging your abdominal muscles, your black trousers pressed to perfection with a perfectly vertical crease down the front and back. Your tie is long-since removed, two buttons of your shirt are undone and showing your pale chest. And what’s more, there is Muggle music playing, how vulgar.

All my life I’ve been waiting
For you to bring a fairy tale my way
Been living in a fantasy without meaning
It’s not okay I don’t feel safe

You would have become Lord Malfoy, I would become Lady Malfoy. I’d plan parties and have tea with friends; you’d do your business and be successful. The manor would look perfect with me managing it; all the courses of each meal would compliment perfectly. I’d go shopping for the latest fashions; we’d go to dances and restaurants together.

It should be me you married, not him.


I don't feel safe..
Ohhh..

Left broken empty in despair
Wanna breathe can’t find air
Thought you were sent from up above
But you and me never had love
So much more I have to say
Help me find a way

It should be me that you married – it was arranged years and years ago! This stupid marriage law tore us apart! Stopped us having a perfect life! You’re like a God sent to me, and I’d have worshipped you like a good pureblood wife should do.

But you married a man.

And I wonder if you know
How it really feels
To be left outside alone
When it’s cold out here
Well maybe you should know
Just how it feels
To be left outside alone
To be left outside alone

Do you know that I must now marry some halfblood, partblood or muggleborn now? Do you realise I must dirty myself with him and produce impure babies just to keep the ministry happy?

Do you realise he’ll never be you, that he could never be as good, never be as successful, never be as rich.

You’re hugging him, the man who took you away from me. I’m watching you from my position just outside the Great Hall doors – I moved so the wooden frame covers him.

You should have married me. I should be your wife.

I tell ya..
All my life I’ve been waiting
For you to bring a fairytale my way
Been living in a fantasy without meaning
It’s not okay I don’t feel safe
I need to pray

Why do you play me like a game?
Always someone else to blame
Careless, helpless little man
Someday you might understand
There’s not much more to say
But I hope you find a way

You never acted like someone betrothed – you never came to my bed, you never kissed me or held my hand. You never sent me flowers or a Valentine’s day card… but that was alright, men forget about birthdays, forget about the anniversary of our parents signing the contract, forget you had a fiancée through school.

You used to make excuses not to spend time with me – I’ll wager that the other boys were making fun of you. You used to tell me you had quidditch practice or an essay to finish when I suggested we spend some time together.

Then there was the Yule Ball – and you took me. We danced together and I told you I loved you. You told me love was a weakness that could be exploited, that you could never be in love.

If you could never be in love, then why do your eyes shine when you look at him? Why do you smile at everything he says? Why do you hold his hand and hug him? Why do you kiss him in front of others?

Why did you not do that with me? I would have been good – I’d have done anything you’d asked me to! I’d have been biddable and quiet for you, I’d have made a perfect wife for you.


Still I wonder if you know
How it really feels
To be left outside alone
When it’s cold out here
Well maybe you should know
Just how it feels
To be left outside alone
To be left outside alone

I tell ya..
All my life I’ve been waiting
For you to bring a fairytale my way
Been living in a fantasy without meaning
It’s not okay I don’t feel safe
I need to pray

When you read that ridiculous law, you smiled. A wide smile that I’d only ever seen you show your Mother – you were happy. I don’t know why you were happy about what it said? I didn’t understand how you could be remotely pleased about having your once mapped-out future taken away by the stupid ministry!

You hugged me carefully and told me it was for the best – the best for who?


Ohhh. Pray...
Ohh.. Heavenly father..
Save me.. Ohhhh..
Whoaooooaoooooo

The priest doesn’t remember marrying you and him, he doesn’t recall signing the papers or saying the sacred words to you both. He shouldn’t have done it, he should have refused to wed two men – especially you. You should have made vows to me, not Oliver Wood.

But its Malfoy-Wood, isn’t it. I wouldn’t have wanted to compromise on the name, I’d have gladly exchanged ‘Parkinson’ for ‘Malfoy’.

Rumour has it that you got married in your pyjamas and went straight to a secret place to… To do things on your wedding night that you should have done with me.

And I wonder if you know
How it really feels
To be left outside alone
When it’s cold out here
Well maybe you should know
Just how it feels
To be left outside alone
To be left outside alone


I’m standing out on the balcony, watching as he pulls you into his arms and holds you close. He kisses your lips softly, barely touching them with his. He rubs your back through the shirt and whispers in your ear.

I overheard your Mother proposing to plan a proper wedding for you – listened to her as she went on about you re-saying your vows with family and friends around to celebrate, exchanging more elaborate rings, caterers and flowers… She said that at the end you and he should climb into the pegasii-drawn carriage and be taken on a honeymoon to somewhere exotic.

It should have been me planning the wedding, organising the flowers and catering. Choosing my dress and dressing the bridesmaids; my family and yours watching as we celebrated.

Us who were carried away on honeymoon.

All my life I’ve been waiting
For you to bring a fairytale my way
Been living in a fantasy without meaning
It’s not okay I don’t feel safe

It shouldn’t be Oliver-fucking-wood that you spend every waking moment thinking of; the person you think of last thing at night, the one you dream of…

… it should be me.

I need to pray...



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