Sometimes It's Good to be Bad

Chapter 38 Introspection

It was a crushing defeat, 190-180. Harry was just glad that he had caught the snitch in just less than a half hour, or Hufflepuff would have creamed them even worse. Hermione tried to make him feel better by saying that it was only ten points, but he grimly responded that it was sixteen goals.

The atmosphere in the Gryffindor common room was one of defeat. They had become accustomed to winning whenever Harry made it all the way through the game. Everyone was sitting around the common room with a communal look of dejection. And the team hadn't gotten back from the showers yet. Hermione looked around the somber room, stood up, and left. She just did not feel the need to be in a room with so many unhappy people.

She went outside to the tree by the lake, leaning against it, breathing in the fresh air. She slumped to the ground, her arms wrapped around her shins and her head on her knees and started to full out bawl. For one of the first times, it wasn't crying for a show, for letting people see in her what they wanted, for covering that she didn't feel grief at the pain she had caused.

She was crying for what she could have been. What she could have done with her life if she were a muggle, or even a pureblood. So many random things that go into any person's life to shape them what they are. It's all just the luck of the draw.

She missed her friends. Her friends from grammar school before she found out she was a witch. She missed Ron and Harry, even. The Ron and Harry from their first few years before anyone they knew had died, before the Dark had really become a factor. Yes, they dealt with it since they were eleven, but despite how seriously she had taken everything, she had had the mindset of a child; nothing was going to happen to them because they were children; they were invincible.

But they had grown up. Dark had invaded their lives despite the fact they were Light. People actively tried to kill them for no reason other than the fact that they were alive. And she wanted to stay alive despite how dead she felt inside. It was the motivating factor for everything she did now.

Yes, she was betraying everyone and everything she had been taught to believe in since she had come to this world, but she didn't really feel like that was the case. Neither of the boys had really taken the time to get to know her, the her in her soul. They saw what they wanted to see; a brainiac they could copy from and show off to and talk down to.

She would have dropped them long ago if she thought she would find other friends. That was another side effect of always being with them. They sheltered her from becoming too close to anyone else, and in response they all thought she was a stuck up know it all, who thought that no one but Potter and his lackey Weasley were good enough for her. She heard the whispers.
The people talking about her. By the end of third year she had known that without Harry... and Ron... she wouldn't get the chance at friends or even family until she left Hogwarts into the real world.

Fuck, she missed Krum. He may not have been the best looking, or even well-spoken, but she had known that he cared for her. He knew the real her. Through their letters, and the occasional times she had seen him on holiday (which she had never, ever mentioned to anyone at Hogwarts, including Ginny). He had been her first. He had seen her through a hard time in her life. But in the end, he was far away. And famous. And much older. Technically, she hadn't even been legal when they were together. It just hadn't been meant to be.

Now she was a Death Eater. Ironically, it gave her the best chances of survival. Who would have seen that one coming? She had not only killed her parents but also Ron and not felt an ounce of remorse. Just that fact in itself was a little disturbing to her. Was there a part of her that had become so terrible over the years that she had lost her moral compass, or had it just shifted as her life shifted?

After all these years, she didn't really feel friendship for Harry anymore. There were a few emotions there, but the one that was to the fore was ... pity. She was helping to take away everything that he held dear. He tried not to show it, even to her, but he was starting to burn out. He didn't remember his parents, but he acted like their death should have stopped the world from turning. He lost his godfather, his mentor, his ex girlfriend had gone crazy, his best mate had betrayed him and died for it. He had lost everything he held dear. She was next. Then he would lose his life. As horrible as it was, that was really the one bright spot. Soon enough, he wouldn't have to be lost the way she was.

The only thing she had come to look forward to was her time with Malfoy, of all people. And now he was missing. She had always known there was no future there, but she had come to trust him. To care for him. She had been strong for Pansy. The woman he was going to marry. But now, thinking of the plethora of possibilities that could have bestowed themselves upon him, her sobs once again increased.

When she felt a hand on her shoulder she practically jumped out of her skin. Her wand was pulled before she realized whose hand it was. Harry's. She put her wand away and wiped her tears roughly off her face. Her moment of weakness was coming to a close. He sat down next to her and wrapped his strong arms around her, lightly kissing her eyelids.

"I miss him, too." He thought she was crying over Ron. She sighed. She had been painting a portrait of herself for years. The Hermione they had all wanted to see. She could survive another couple months of it.

She smiled bitterly at him. "I'm sorry for making you miss the party."

"It's not like it was all that much of a party anyway." He pulled her in closer, breathing in her shampoo. "Hermione?"

"Yeah?"

"I was thinking." He paused for so long she was about to interrupt, but he stopped her. "I never really thought of you as anything other than a really good friend. Then Ginny happened, and Ron happened. I realized that I want you in my life. Not as my best friend. Well, not only. I want you to be my girlfriend."

She looked at him dazed. After a minute, he pulled away from her, dejected.

"Are you sure?"

He turned back to her. "Yes."

"Even though we'll be fighting You-Know-Who together? You won't try and hide me when the battle comes like you wanted to do Ginny?" She knew it stung him, but it was an honest question. She knew it was her mission, but if was going to try any of that bullshit on her she would not take it nearly as well as Ginny had. But then again, Ginny was in a mental hospital.

"No, I won't try and hide you. I've learned from my mistakes. I care for you, and I want you to be mine for however long we have left, whether it be a hundred minutes or a hundred years."

She looked up into his bright, hopeful eyes. "Yes, Harry. I'll be your girlfriend." He bent down and caught her in a surprisingly intense kiss.