Scarred Souls

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Title: Scarred Souls



Author: Misty Moonlight/Co-author: QueenBoadicea



Beta: QueenBoadicea



Pairings: Severus/Harry



Published: 12/10/2008



Summary: A widowed Harry must bond with Snape in order to save his daughter’s life. Sev gains a family, for better or worse, and the hearts of two scarred souls will be changed forever.



Warnings: Romance, Drama, Angst, Alternate Universe, Sexual Situations, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Slash, Anal, Language, Humor, possible MPreg, Bonding, Original Characters, Family, OOC-ness,

non-canon, WIP



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Chapter 36: Decision





Severus swallowed the concoction, making a face at its bitter taste. Is this what Lupin had had to endure every time he drank his Wolfsbane potion? He knew a belated sympathy for the man, once an unwilling part of the hated Marauders.



Hermione gazed at him anxiously. “Well? Is that better?”



He blinked repeatedly and looked down at his shaking hands. “The pain has lessened considerably. However, the continuing tremors in my hands are perturbing and I appear to have acquired spots in my vision.”



Hermione slumped. “Oh, I’m sorry, Snape.”



“No, this is a marked improvement on the other potions. We need to work at removing the deleterious effects from the brew, that’s all.” She fidgeted, looking unaccountably guilty. “What is it, Mrs. Granger-Weasley?”



“Well, I had a talk with Poppy.”



This couldn’t be good. He arranged his features to convey a bland disinterest. “And what did our dear, devoted medi-witch have to say?”



“She thinks we should stop the experiments with the potions.”



“I’m aware that she has grave doubts about their efficacy…”



“It’s more than that, Snape. She’s disagreed from the beginning about your experimenting with this stuff while you’re carrying a baby. Now she’s putting her foot down. If you don’t desist, she’s going to have you confined to St. Mungo’s.”



Anger flared and his hands shook even more before he clenched them. “How dare she! I refuse to go.”



“She’ll bring your condition to the notice of the Ministry. They can force you, say you’re unfit to make this decision, that you’re…” Her face reddened with shame and she looked at the floor.



“That I’m what? A former Death Eater and therefore unfit to rear a child? A master of the Dark Arts? A limb of Satan? What, pray tell, could their objection be?” he asked, not bothering to hide the sneer.



“That you’re mentally unbalanced,” she finished quietly.



“That’s a ridiculous notion and no one in or out of the Ministry would believe it of me. My mind’s as sharp as it ever was,” he snapped.



“They know that you’re antisocial and don’t care for children.”



“Yet I am a boon to the people of St. Mungo’s by providing health care for those stricken beyond ordinary means to heal, including children. Being misanthropic is not grounds for a sentence of mental incapacity,” he pointed out.



“You hate children but you agree to help them? That doesn’t make sense when you think about it. That could be seen as signs of mental instability.”



“I don’t need to justify myself to anyone, not after what I’ve been through as a servant for the Light. Surely, after all these years, I am allowed some indulgences.”



“It’s because of the fact that you’ve been hiding behind the Ministry’s aegis that they feel they can order you about,” she said, sounding apologetic. “It’s like you’re their—”



“Property,” he finished with a snarl. He sprang to his feet and began to pace angrily over the dungeon floor. “This is intolerable. I’m sure, if their precious Boy Who Lived were in my position, they wouldn’t care if he went flying over the Atlantic upside down on his broom.”



Her brows pinched together. Then she brightened. “I know! If Harry spoke up for you, he could keep those Ministry vultures off your back and you out of St. Mungo’s.”



He waved his hand, dismissing the idea almost at once. “No. This is an issue I must put to rest on my own. I refuse to put myself in Harry’s debt. The brat would love that, I’m sure. He used to whinge on so much about all he did for me when he thought I was dead, as if that makes up for leaving me to die in that filthy shack.”



He was confronted by confusion in the woman’s brown eyes. “Why are you talking like this? I assumed from the way Harry talked about you that you were friends now.”



“Friends? We get along better, it is true. But that is mostly for the sake of peace in the household. We’re hardly bosom chums like the Golden Trio,” he ended, smirking.



“If Harry, Ronald and I were friends, it’s because we worked at it,” the brown-haired woman shot back with asperity. “We had our problems, our ups and downs like anybody else. There were days when we weren’t speaking to each other. But we learned to sort things out. If you tried just the littlest bit, you’d be friends with him, too.”



“And become another one of the Chosen One’s sycophants? No, thank you.” Severus was aware that his behavior was irrational. He and Harry had been getting along better. But this latest failure coupled with Mrs. Granger-Weasley’s indirect threat had unsettled him and, when that happened, he tended to lash out.



The frustration on the woman’s face was clear. Before she could answer, Harry appeared on the stairs and called to them.



“Hermione? Severus? You two about finished down here? I had Kreacher make us up a light lunch. I thought you could use a break.” He noticed the tense silence. “What’s wrong? The latest batch not doing so well?”



“It’s worse than that. Poppy wants to put Snape in St. Mungo’s,” Hermione replied, her eyes not leaving Severus.



Harry frowned and descended to the floor, walking over to them. “What? Why?”



“She’s threatened to have him committed on grounds of insanity if he continues with the potions experiments. She says they’re a threat to the baby’s well-being.”



“Evidently, it’s perfectly all right for me to suffer agonizing tortures and blackouts but the baby’s health must be protected at all costs,” Severus sniffed. “I haven’t even decided whether I’ll keep the wretched thing,” he added coldly.



Harry’s face turned the color of sea foam. “W-what? But I thought…when Molly was here…”



“I told her about the baby’s existence to keep her from being too incensed at your secrecy. At no point did I indicate to her or you that I meant to keep it.”



“What about all that talk about baby names?”



“Instigated by you, Harry. I saw nothing wrong with a harmless indulgence of your whim.”



Harry reached for him. “But Severus—”



Severus swept by him, ignoring the stricken look on his bond mate’s face. “I believe you said a luncheon was prepared?”



Left alone with Hermione, Harry sank down on the nearest workbench. “I thought…I mean, I really thought he wanted this child,” Harry whispered.



Hermione hadn’t seen him look so devastated since Ginny had died. But she thought Harry was ignoring the facts. “Did he ever say so? I know what he said at the time of the bonding. But I figured he just said that to torment you.”



“That’s what I thought too at the time. But lately, he’s been so much…I don’t know. I don’t want to say kinder. This is Severus, after all. But he’s been decent to me and the kids. I even think he changed Lily’s nappy once though I can’t get him to admit it.”



“That doesn’t translate to him wanting another screaming, crying infant on the premises.”



“That sounds like something Severus would say.”



She sat next to him. “Harry, maybe it’s for the best.” Harry glared at her. “You have to face facts. Severus isn’t the nurturing type. If he’s forced to bring a child into this world, one that he’ll resent, the poor thing will be miserable—and so will you.”



Harry buried his face in his hands.



She looked at him uncertainly. “Harry, why do you care so much? You told me the circumstances under which this baby was conceived. I thought you’d be happy if Snape decided he didn’t want it.”



“Happy? All right, yeah, I’ll admit I was right pissed when I realized what he’d done to me. But once I knew about the baby, I got, I don’t know, really excited. I wouldn’t have minded another child. And I figured Severus would learn how happy a baby can make you, how they can bring joy and wonder into your lives. I thought it would be a chance for him to get it right…the way his parents never did with him.”



Hermione sucked in a breath. She’d never realized Harry felt this way. “Did you ever tell him that?”



“No. I thought this was the kind of revelation a person should come to on his own.”



“That’s true. But, ultimately, the decision is his.”



“You’re right.” Harry stood up wearily. “We should join him before he starts wondering why we’re taking so long.”



Hermione followed him, thinking furiously. Privately, she thought Severus needed some prodding. And she was just the person to figure out how to do it.



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Those Gryffindor idiots were far too trusting. He walked away from them and they neglected to erect wards behind him? Lurking at the top of the stairs, Severus had been able to hear perfectly everything they said after his supposed exit.



By the time they reached the kitchen, he was seated and tucking into his sandwiches, giving no indication that he’d heard anything amiss. Both Gryffindors seemed equally inclined to silence, for once, leaving him alone with very unwelcome thoughts.



Harry Potter was turning out to be one surprise after another. He wanted this child and apparently desired it for Severus’ sake, not his own. This wasn’t some selfish desire to have Severus suffer or sullen acquiescence to the inevitable, unwanted addition to his already established family. Harry genuinely hoped this baby would make Severus happy.



He watched the other two covertly. Ronald Weasley’s wife was shooting him angry glares in between the sympathetic glances she kept giving Harry. Typical. She would show compassion to Harry. What about him, the man actually carrying a new life inside him? You’d think that a woman over five months gone as she would feel a certain camaraderie.



However, she was the one who’d pointed out to Harry that if he chose to terminate the pregnancy, he was within his rights. That’s exactly how Severus would have put it. But coming from another it sounded terribly…cold blooded.



Was that truly how she saw him? How Harry saw him? From the overheard conversation, he realized his bond mate had told her what had transpired between them the night Harry had brought Severus to Grimmauld Place from the restaurant.



She must hate Severus for that. However much they had irritated him in Hogwarts, Harry’s two comrades had been true to him and remained so still.



Harry evidently returned the favor. The man sat closer to that woman than he did to his own bond mate. In spite of the past few weeks attempting amicability, Harry was still reluctant to get near him. The Gryffindor only allowed touch when he thought Severus needed help.



Did Harry bother to show such solicitous behavior only because it concerned the unborn fetus? Would he still display such kindness if Severus were no longer pregnant?



The consideration was loathsome, for some reason. Severus didn’t want false concern attached to him simply because he was a breeder. Yet he was reluctant to lose Harry’s affections, no matter how slight the reason behind them.



But that wasn’t a viable alternative either. Keeping the child in the hope of instilling some feeling in the father—hadn’t his own mother tried that? And look how badly she had failed.



Even if he could dissolve the Vow, he had no wish to rear a child on his own. Also, he couldn’t bring a helpless infant into the world, knowing that its parents disliked each other. Hadn’t that been Harry’s exact sentiment the first time Severus had tried to seduce him?



Defeat and its brother misery whispered inside Severus, worse than the heads could have done. He had started this whole marriage to punish Harry. Instead, he was the one who suffered. No matter what tortures Severus tried to inflict, Harry would still have his friends, his children, his extended family, the adoring Wizarding World, ready to comfort and console him. Whom did Severus have except the bond mate he had failed to win for himself?



He was about to speak up, to let Harry know his choice of termination was final, when he heard light footsteps coming down the hall. Lovely. Trust Harry’s other spawn to interrupt when he had an important announcement to make.



“Daddy, Auntie Mione, hi!” Albus called. James ran closely after his brother with Kreacher bringing up the rear, cradling the precious Lily. “Auntie Mione, Lily walked!” Albus crowed. “Kreacher, let Auntie Mione see!”



The house-elf set the girl down on the floor with all the care he might have shown to precious crystal. The child sat on her bum for a moment before pulling herself up with the nearest table leg.



“Oh, that’s just darling, Lily! Come to Auntie Hermione,” the woman cooed.



Lily ignored her. She looked around and, when she saw Severus, she staggered towards him, holding up her arms. “Sevvie! Sevvie!”



At least you like me best. It was an uncharitable thought but Severus wasn’t ashamed of it. He reached down and scooped up the toddler, watching her narrowly as she giggled, flapped her hands and reached for his nose.



“Oh no, you don’t,” he muttered, leaving her on his lap. “I learned my lesson from last time.”



Hermione settled back, appearing not at all put out that her niece preferred her greasy git of a stepdaddy to herself. “She seems really taken with you, Snape.”



“She shows good taste.” When she smiled, he added, “In view of the closeness of our families, I would not mind if you were to call me Severus.”



The woman looked flabbergasted. Harry gaped like a fish. The bright eyes of the little boys opened wide as they swung their heads between him and Mrs. Granger-Weasley.



Severus didn’t think his request was that noteworthy. Merlin, you would think he’d just asked her to ride bareback and starkers astride a hippogriff.



Finally, she spoke, breaking the uncomfortable silence. “Well, in that case, you may call me Hermione.”



“I would be honored.”



Hermione settled back and dug into her meal again. So far, she had polished off six beef sandwiches, three apricots, a cup of custard and five cups of tea. If she continued like this, she was going to swell up to Molly Weasley’s size.



“Oof. Baby pushed.” She lurched forward suddenly, clutching her stomach.



The twins rushed to her. “Can I feel?” James demanded.



“Mummy used to let us feel when she had Lily in her belly,” Albus added, sounding much too solemn for a six-year-old boy.



“Of course you may.” She shifted away from the table, giving both boys room to lay their heads on either side of her swelling abdomen.



“She kicked!” Albus suddenly squealed.



James scoffed. “Girls don’t kick like that. It’s a boy!”



“Is not!”



“Is too!”



“Is not!”



“Boys, don’t start,” Harry chided. “Your Aunt Hermione wants to keep the baby’s gender a secret until it’s born.”



“What’s gender?”



“It means whether boy or girl, Albus,” Severus replied before Harry could answer.



Albus rested his head against Hermione’s stomach a moment longer. He glanced at Severus. “Will your belly get big like this, Severus?”



Severus glanced at Harry. The Gryffindor’s face had shut down, becoming blank and impenetrable as the stone walls of Hogwarts. Harry evidently didn’t care to lie to his children or stall them on the question. He was trusting—or dreading—that their stepfather would tell them what Severus meant them to hear.



Hermione’s gaze was far less equivocal. The brown eyes begged him to tell the Potter brats that they could expect a new sibling in eight months time. Her hand reached out and clasped Harry’s. By the whiteness of her grip, it must have been painful. But Harry made no sound of protest.



Lily leaned her head against his shoulder, brown eyes resting trustingly on his face. Her eyes were a kind of dark honey tinged with gold, not at all like Hermione’s dark brown orbs. Would his unborn have eyes like this? Would it have Lily’s eyes instead? He wouldn’t mind sleek black hair like his own, of course, not the flyaway mop that Harry sported.



He cleared his throat. “I imagine my belly will swell to a certain degree, though I will try to avoid becoming egregiously overweight. I’ve no wish to look like Hagrid,” he sniffed.



Hermione beamed. Happiness was slower to reach Harry’s eyes and he did not smile. It was as if he didn’t trust the good news—or Severus.



Honestly, the man was impossible to please. Here he was, dandling one of Potter’s brats and stating he’d keep this baby, and the sullen prat couldn’t show the slightest bit of appreciation. Severus wanted to snap at Harry to grow up, to stop acting like life had dealt him an unfair shake.



The change in his mood seemed to be noticed by no one else…except for Lily. The little girl whimpered and began to cry, her voice rising to wails in seconds.



“Oh, for Merlin’s sake!” Severus snapped. He stood and shoved her in Potter’s arms. “Here. Probably wants her nappy changed,” he grumbled as he stalked from the room.





TBC