Fire and Water

Chapter Thirty Four



Harry, Ron and Hermione were making their plans to leave on their search for the Horcruxes after Bill and Fleur’s wedding. Krystal found that, not for the first time, her thoughts drifted to Remus while she was trying to plan the day’s lessons. After that night at the cottage, he had not returned to The Burrow. She hadn’t seen him for three days and didn’t expect to see him today. Which was probably a good thing, but she still felt as though she had lost him all over again.



Fleur had been chattering non stop about wedding arrangements. The two women had become friends over the last couple of weeks. Fleur was delighted to have a female to talk to who was closer to her own age than her future mother-in-law; and much to Krystal’s surprise, she enjoyed Fleur’s company, despite the constant wedding talk, to which Krystal had been paying little attention this morning. Chipping in with an “Uh huh!” and a “That’s great” occasionally seemed to be keeping Fleur happy. As Krystal stood to wash her breakfast dishes, Fleur was moaning about the guest list and seating plans. Apparently someone had decided not to attend and sent the arrangements into disarray.



“It is so inconsiderate of that Tonks.” Fleur was ranting now. “Remus is still coming. We don’t have to seat them together, but she is insistent. Now we have an empty seat and……..”

“Tonks isn’t coming to the wedding?” Krystal asked, her head snapping up.

Remus said that Tonks had left, but she thought the young woman would come back to him once he told her it was over between the two of them. She’d assumed Remus’ absences were because he was busy planning his wedding.



“No. Haven’t you been listening? Tonks and Remus have split up and now I have got no one to take her place……”

Fleur stopped talking, staring at Krystal, who was still trying to get her head around the fact that Remus was now single; available. That he had told her the truth - even though she’d told him she couldn’t be with him, it really was over between him and Tonks.

Fleur squealed, startling Krystal out of her reverie.

“But of course!” she exclaimed. “You will take Tonks place at the wedding. It is perfect!”

“No. No, that’s not a good idea, Fleur,” she said, a little horrified at the suggestion. Looking for an escape, she saw Harry walking past the kitchen door. “There’s Harry, I have to go.”



She almost ran out of the kitchen, catching up with Harry on the porch.

“Hey!” He greeted her and stepped down onto the lawn. “So, what’s the plan for today? Shields, duels, healing spells…..”

“Torture techniques,” said Krystal as she leant over the railings.

Harry laughed until he caught her eye. “You’re joking, aren’t you?” he said, looking a little scared.

“Unfortunately not,” she said. “I don’t really want to do this, but there’s a reasonable chance you are going to either see this, need to do this, or be a victim of this during your mission.” She shook her head. “You’ve got to be ready for any eventuality.”

Harry nodded, with a shell shocked look on his face. He moved to stand beside her on the porch.



After a minute of silence he looked sideways at her. “Is Remus coming today?” he asked, his tone casual.

“I don’t believe so,” she said, trying to match his tone. “Today’s going to be tough Harry. Physically and mentally. Some of these hexes……” She stopped, unable for a moment to form the necessary words.

“You used them on my parents and Sirius?” He said it calmly, but the words still stung. She nodded.

“And Remus?”

“Yes.” The word came out shaky.

Harry snuck another look at her. “Is that why he isn’t going to be here today?”

Krystal bit her lip. “No.”



Harry turned around to face her. “I know he and Tonks aren’t together anymore. Do you have anything to do with that?” The question was asked without judgement.

“How did you know they‘d split up?” She decided to ignore his question for the moment, wishing she’d never promised she wouldn’t lie to him.

“I hear things,” he said with a smile, knowing exactly what she was doing. “My question?”

Krystal sighed, arms folded defensively, her face so sad that Harry wanted to hug her. “I‘m pretty sure I did,” she said softly.

“Do you love him?” he asked in a low voice.

Krystal looked at him. He saw her jaw clench as her eyes suddenly turned shiny with tears. “With all my heart.“



She whispered the words, but Harry heard them.

“Then you should be together,’ he stated firmly.

Krystal shook her head, blinking, as she replied, “You know our past, Harry. It’s not that simple.”

“You love him, he loves you,’ he said matter of factly. “Sometimes it is that simple.”

Krystal looked at him with a small smile on her face. “You may look like James, but you are so much like your mother. She said very similar words to me once many years ago.”

Harry smiled at her. ‘Hermione mentioned once that you probably would’ve been my godmother,’ he said, hoping he wasn’t upsetting her.

But she smiled at him and nodded, lifting herself up to sit on the top of the rail, watching through the kitchen window as Fleur fussed around rearranging the seating plan.



‘Yeah, I probably would’ve been,’ she agreed, as he settled on top of the railing next to her. ‘When we were little, Lily and I used to talk a lot about how we would never lose touch, how we would have lots of babies and they’d grow up together, just like we did. We used to lay awake at school and talk at night, planning our lives; especially after we got boyfriends. Poor James and Remus,’ she said with a slightly sad smile. ‘We didn’t give them much of a say in their own futures, I’m afraid.’



’She did really love my dad, didn’t she?’ Harry asked, an old concern rising again. ’I know she hated him for a long time...’

Krystal smiled. ’She really did, Harry. Once she gave him a chance, she knew he was the one.’ He smiled, a little relieved.

‘And did you know? With Remus?‘ he asked gently. She quickly looked at him, then smiled sadly.

‘Yes. I knew he would be special to me from that first night at school, and I remember the moment I fell in love with him, even if I didn’t realise what had happened at the time.’



She blinked away the sheen that had covered her eyes, recalling the moment on the school train at the beginning of their Fourth Year when he’d smiled and she suddenly began to look at him in an entirely different way.

‘Life doesn’t always turn out as planned, I guess.’



‘That’s true,’ Harry murmured, kicking the railings behind him. ‘But you’ve got a choice now, haven’t you? You can keep living the way you have been or you could choose to live the life you wanted with someone you love.’

‘It wouldn’t be the life I wanted for Remus or me,’ she said unhappily. ‘Too much has happened. I did horrendous things to him, Harry…’

‘And he’s forgiven you, Krys,’ Harry said, his voice rising a little. ‘If he can forgive you, can’t you forgive yourself?’

Krystal frowned, looking down at the patio.

‘Haven’t you lost enough time together?’ Harry tried again. ‘You love each other. Why keep hurting him and yourself by pushing him away? You’ve got another chance to be together. Why are you wasting it?’



She didn’t look up, silent for several moments before she raised her head. ‘I asked Albus if you could come and live with me after your mum and dad died, you know.’

He looked startled and she let out a breath of laughter.

‘Looking back, I’m glad he said no. He always knew me better than I knew myself - he could see what a mess I still was, that I hadn’t even remembered all that had happened. I would have been a really crappy guardian, but someone did a hell of a good job with you, Harry.’



Harry smiled and leaned over a little, grasping her hand. ‘Maybe it would’ve helped if he’d agreed - you not being so alone,’ he said softly, and she couldn’t help but think he may be right. She may have been a little less selfish; a little less self indulgent about her pain if she’d had someone to look after.

‘You turned out pretty good, considering what you had to deal with from Tuney.’ He laughed hearing his aunt’s nickname, and she smiled too. ‘She always was a cow, Harry. Forget You Know Who, it’s a sign of strength that you survived living with her,’ she said.



Harry chuckled, and was about to ask more when Ron and Hermione came bursting out of the front door. Harry and Krystal slid down onto the porch.

Krystal said, “Ok!,” and clapped her hands together. “Let’s get started.”

She turned to walk down the stairs, but froze when she saw him just a few feet away. She could tell from the look on his face as he stared at her that he’d heard her and Harry talking.



“Hi Remus!” said Harry, darting a glance at Krystal as he walked past her. “Didn’t expect to see you today.”

Remus smiled at him. Staying away for the last few days had been the hardest thing he’d ever done but he wanted to give Krys time and space, hopefully to start missing him.

“Well, I thought I‘d better check up on you lot,’ he said to Harry. ‘I know what a handful Krystal can be.”

His eyes flicked to her, and she swallowed hard, feeling a little weak when she saw the ill disguised longing there. She grasped the rail hard as she walked down the stairs. Remus saw the flush that stained her cheeks when he looked at her and felt hope rise in him. Maybe he wasn’t going to have to work as hard as he thought to get her back. Maybe Harry had done some of the work for him.



Harry and Ron grinned at him, but Hermione approached Remus with a look of trepidation on her face. “I was sorry to hear about you and Tonks, Remus,” she said quietly. The men’s smiles faded, and Remus blinked, turning to the young girl.

“It’s for the best, Hermione.” Remus said firmly. He looked at Krystal. “So, what are we doing today?”

Harry answered for her. “Torture techniques.” He watched Remus closely as he spoke. Remus looked at him and then back at Krystal. He nodded, his face calm.

“Let’s get going then.”



He raised the barriers around them. “What do you want to start with?”

Krystal looked at him. “You don’t want to be here today,” she said, a plea in her voice.

“I have nowhere else to be,” he replied. “Now, how do you want to do this?”

She looked at the teenagers, her face pale then said in a low voice, “Remus is going to perform some hexes on me. They are dark spells; they are meant to torture; they are meant to drive a person out of their mind. This isn’t going to be easy to watch, or to do. Yes Hermione,” she said, reading the thoughts of the younger woman who was looking at her with wide, frightened eyes. “I expect you to perform these hexes on me today.”

She turned away from her and looked Harry and Ron. They were both looking a little ill, but nodded.



“I want to show you these potions first.”

She took the pouch from her pocket and chanced a glance at Remus. His face betrayed his unease, but also his determination to do this her way. She turned back to the trio and held up the leather pouch.

“If the hex is held for too long, it will cause harm; to my body and my mind. These dittany’s and potions can help limit the damage. I have written the names of the hexes they are used to counteract on the bottles. If I am incapable of doing it myself, you must make sure you give me the correct potion for the hex. Remus knows the counter spells for the hexes that potions won‘t cure.”

She looked around her. Remus’ jaw was set. “Ok. Let’s do this.” She moved away from them until she was standing opposite Remus.

“Cruciatis Curse first,” she said, taking a deep breath and steeling herself.

Remus raised his wand, looking her straight in the eye.



“Crucio!” Remus yelled, and a jet of red light shot from his wand, hitting Krystal directly in the chest. She fell to the ground with a scream, her body twisting and turning. Remus raised his wand after only a second, his face visibly distressed as he turned away. Krystal lay on the ground for longer, panting. She slowly rose to her feet, pale but determined.

Her heart nearly broke when she saw Remus’ turned back, his hands on his head as he took deep breaths, trying to compose himself. Unable to offer him comfort, she turned to her students, who looked scared to death.



“Right. Hermione, you first. Yes!” she insisted as Hermione shook her head. “Forget you know me, forget who I am. You have to mean this spell or it won‘t work. You have to want to cause pain.”

Hermione shook her head. “I can’t,” she said, nearly in tears.

“Hermione….” Krystal began but the young girl shook her head again.

“Fine,‘ said Krystal, and she raised her hand and cast a red stream of light at the younger woman. It hit Hermione in the chest and she screamed, falling to the ground, writhing as Krystal had.

“Hermione!” Ron yelled, as Krystal lifted the spell. Hermione lay on the ground, tears streaming from her eyes as Ron dropped down next to her. Remus was staring at Krystal as she crouched down next to Ron, taking Hermione’s hand and pulling her to her feet.



‘A Death Eater is not going to hesitate to use this spell on you, Hermione,‘ she said, ‘You have to be prepared to do the same.‘

Hermione wiped her face as she looked at Krystal. “I don’t know if I can,‘ she replied.

Krystal looked at her, hating herself for what she was teaching these kids.

“You don’t have a choice, Hermione. Do you ever want to feel that pain again?” Hermione shook her head, and Krystal said, “You know what you need to do then.”

She backed away, aware of Remus‘ eyes on her, but refusing to meet his gaze, saying, “Ron, you seem pretty pissed at me. Why don’t you try now?”

Ron raised his wand at Krystal with no hesitation.



“Crucio!” he yelled. The spell knocked Krystal to the ground with a shriek, but she didn’t writhe in pain like she did before. Remus twitched as she hit the ground, but stayed where he was. She stood, leaning over with her hands on her knees and looked up at Ron.

“Not bad for your first time. You knocked me down, but I recovered too quickly. You need to hold on to your anger and use it. Indignation isn’t going to cut it. Harry, your turn.” She stood up straight and turned to face him.



He looked at Remus and then back at Krystal. “Find your anger, Harry and use it,” she said. He tried the curse but the red light faded before it hit her.

“C’mon Harry!’ she urged, impatiently, not seeing Remus’ startled look in her direction. Harry tried again, with no more success.

“That’s alright, Harry,‘ began Remus. “We can try again later.“

But Krystal shook her head. “No, he needs to be able to do this - he can’t let emotion get in the way. People aren‘t always what they seem, Harry. Even people you think you know can betray you. You have to be able to do this - even to someone you love.”

Remus saw her breathe deeply before she walked over to stand in front of Harry. She put her hands behind his head, drawing it to hers.

She whispered in his ear, “Your father was my friend. He trusted me but I used this very curse on him. I stood there and held it as I watched him scream. I didn’t stop until he passed out from the excruciating pain.



Remus heard what Krystal said to Harry, and, as she backed away from him, he looked at her pale face. Her eyes were flashing silver, with visible self disgust, but also something else - a strange anticipation.

She yelled at Harry, “You know what I did. Now, do it, Harry! Hurt me like I hurt him!”

Harry raised his wand as the realisation hit Remus - she was punishing herself.



“Crucio!” Krystal flew into the air before she screamed, a horrible sound. Remus lurched at Harry and grabbed his arm, forcing him to break the spell as she hit the ground.

“That’s enough,” he said loudly.

Krystal was laying still on the grass; the only part of her moving was her chest; heaving up and down as she fought for breath.

“Enevate.” Remus shakily pointed his wand at her. She began to stir, groaning as she moved her limbs.



She slowly stood up and walked over to Harry, who was shaking, still stunned by the strength of his spell. She ran her hand over his hair then rested her forehead against his.

“I’m sorry, Harry.” He nodded, patting her shoulder with a trembling hand.

“I know,” he said.

She could see Remus staring at her, his breathing was laboured as he struggled with himself. His lips moved, forming her name but no sound came out. Krystal looked at him, touching his arm briefly as she moved to the bag of potions and pulled one out. She downed it in one, and when she stood, she moved easier and faster. “Alright, let’s move on.”



For the next hour, they continued. Remus finally called a halt after Krystal took her third potion, and he’d healed her broken ribs for the fourth time.

“Go in and get some lunch,” he ordered the others, barely able to hide his anger from them. When they had gone, he raised the imperturbable barriers again.

He knelt on the ground next to Krystal. “Was all that necessary?” he said, ice in his voice as he packed up the potions.



She looked at him through still slightly glazed eyes. “They needed to see; to be able to use them, even if they are scared. Now they can.” He shook his head. “We’ll keep going after lunch…”

She broke off as Remus threw the potion pouch on the ground. “What’s really going on here?” he yelled, standing up abruptly. “You were goading Harry, daring him to hurt you. Are you trying to punish yourself? Trying to even the score?”

Krystal stood to face him and he grabbed her arms, pulling her towards him. “Do you know how I felt doing that to you? To have to hurt you like that?’ he hissed, tears in his eyes.

“Yes I do,’ she said, softly.



Her quiet response shocked him into silence as she said, “I know exactly what it’s like to hurt someone you love.”

She pulled herself out of his grasp and her voice rose. “I know what it feels like to use a Cruciatis curse and watch a friend scream; or to break their bones one by one; or rip open their face with my hands, knowing they won‘t fight back!”

She was shaking violently and tears streamed down her face, as she felt something begin to crack inside of her.



“Am I trying to punish myself?“ She began to laugh, an awful, hysterical laugh. “Of course I am!” She lifted her shirt and exposed her scars.

“I’ve been trying to make amends for years, but I can’t. I can’t! No matter what I did, it’s never stopped hurting; I never forget now.’

Remus went pale as he suddenly understood how she’d gotten those scars.

‘You’re right, Remus. I wanted…. I wanted them to hurt me. I thought, if they hurt me enough, I could forget again, just for a little while.”



‘Krys,’ he moaned, pulling her to him, absorbing her kicks and punches as she fought him hard. ‘Stop fighting me, Krys. I’m not going anywhere. Tell me. Tell me.‘

He kept a tight hold on her, feeling her finally stop, putting her head on his chest, breathing heavily. Remus ran his hands over her shoulders, trying to offer her comfort, and allowed his head to drop against hers. They stood like that for a while, then Krystal began to speak, her head still resting on him, drawing strength from him.



‘Before he came to see you that night, Albus gave me a potion to sleep, and when I woke, I didn’t remember anything; my mind just buried it all. Albus..…he tried to protect me when I asked why I was there. He told me I was being hunted; that I was in hiding and that you all believed I was dead; that it would place you all in too much danger to return, even after You Know Who disappeared. He didn’t tell me about mum and dad, or what I’d done to you all. Just that Severus had come to him to try and save me, and that together they had gotten me out. I argued with him…’

She let out a half laugh/half sob. ‘I told him I would never join the Dark Lord; that I could never hurt any of you. All the arguments I’d just proven wrong.’



Remus’ hand moved to her head, cradling it as he pressed a kiss to her hair. ‘I begged him again to let me contact you…’ her voice broke off, and she felt tears burning her eyes.

‘I didn’t remember anything for so long. My memories were all dark, shadowy. I would have nightmares; the same one over and over. Blood, everywhere. Bright red, all over my hands. But I couldn’t remember anything else.’



He felt her legs shaking and knew they couldn’t hold her, so he sank to the ground, still holding her tight in his lap.

‘After Lily and James died, I started to see their faces again. I could hear them screaming, I could hear Lily begging me to stop. I saw Sirius; I heard his bones breaking in my dreams. But I still couldn’t remember you, or my parents.’

Stroking her hair, he closed his eyes, trying to absorb the pain that radiated from her; trying to take some of it away.

‘I didn’t understand what I was seeing. I went to a mediwizard, a memory retrieval specialist, and they took nearly a year to uncover the memories; they were buried so deep.’



She shook, violent tremors shaking her. ‘I don’t know what they did, but suddenly, one day I remembered everything. Hurting all of you; my parents’ bodies; You Know Who touching me; seeing into his mind; killing the Death Eaters.’

She pressed her head harder into his shoulder. ‘I woke up screaming during that session, and that was the last thing I knew for six months. I came out of it in hospital; the healers had admitted me into the mental ward. I’d protected myself all those years for a reason: I lost my mind, Remus. I was almost comatose for half a year.’



Remus felt hot tears beginning to roll down his cheeks, falling unchecked into her hair. How she had suffered for her choice, for trying to save them.

‘They took my memories, helped me remember bit by bit this time, making sure I came to terms with each new piece of information before giving me more. I was in hospital for almost two years before they’d release me.’

She pulled away from him a little, looking at his face for the first time; the scars she’d given him. ‘I knew what I’d done to you now, and that was the one thing I had the most trouble coping with.’



She seemed to be gasping now, having trouble breathing. ‘It hurt too much. I kept seeing myself sending that curse at you, your blood on your face. One day, I decided I needed to feel what you’d felt.’

She let out a sob, and he felt her hand move to her scared stomach.

‘Once I started cutting, the pain began to ease. It was easier than feeling it, so I kept cutting after every nightmare.’



‘I cut too deep one day,’ she said, raising her sleeve and showing him the nasty looking scar Bill and he had uncovered previously. He frowned, his face anguished as he raised his shaking hand. Tracing the long scar with his finger, he blinked against the fresh tears that arose.

‘If Albus hadn’t found me, I would have bled to death.’ She shook her head despairingly. ‘To this day, I don’t know if I did it deliberately or not.’

She shuddered now, and he pulled her closer to him, holding her head against his chest. ‘I blamed him for a long time. If he’d only told me years earlier what I could become, I might have been able to stop it; learnt to fight against the shadows….’ She shook her head.



‘I had more counselling, and eventually began to accept responsibility for what I’d done; to try and not dwell on it; to try to begin to forgive myself. I learnt to not hide from pain, to accept that tears aren’t a weakness. It took a long time to come out from under all that, but I finally did. Then Albus told me he wanted me to come back, and I knew I’d have to face it all over again.’



‘God, I wish Albus had told me,’ he said, his voice rough with grief for all that she’d been through. ‘I would’ve come to you; I would have helped you.’

Krystal shook her head. ‘I didn’t deserve your help. What I did to you….’ she began.

‘Krys!’ he exclaimed loudly, trying to get her to listen to him. ‘I’ve spent hours and hours over the past few weeks thinking about what you told me about that night. I kept going over it in my head, looking for another way you could have dealt with it.’ Remus shook his head.



‘I couldn’t find one. I thought about what I would have done if our positions were reversed. How I would have felt if it had been my parents killed? My friends threatened? The woman I loved most hunted? Would I have run? Hoped that Albus could protect you, despite all evidence to the contrary?’

He held her face in his hands and made her look at him. ‘I couldn’t have run either, Krys. I couldn’t have let you be taken. What other choice was there?’



‘There was another,’ she said, her voice low. ‘And I would have taken it. I asked him to do it, but he couldn’t. He owed me a life debt, he couldn’t kill me.’

Remus let out a shaky breath. ‘You asked Severus to kill you?’ he asked, his face pained.

She nodded. ‘I told you all I wasn’t a coward, but I was prepared to take the coward’s way out.’



She looked at his tear streaked face, and her own face began to crumple. ‘I’m so sorry I did this to you, Remus. The last thing I ever wanted to do was cause you pain.’

‘I know,’ he said, pulling her to him. ‘I know. You don’t have to apologise, Krys. I understand. And I don’t think I would have done anything else in your position.’

She shook her head, and he ran a hand over her hair, smoothing it.

‘Bones heal, Krys. Cuts heal. Nothing can bring back the dead. You gave us a chance. You saved our lives.’



He felt the tension in her shoulders and knew she was trying to hold back her tears. ‘Krys, let it go now. Don’t hang onto it. I want to help you. Let me help you. ’

He heard a sob, quickly stifled. He bent his head and kissed her on the side of her face, leaving his lips there as he said, ‘I never stopped loving you, Krys. Not for a second.’



Her shoulders began to shake as he hugged her to him, sobbing into his chest. The dam that had been threatening to break ever since her return, finally gave way. All the grief that had built up over the years spilling out for both of them. He cried with her; and their combined tears healed that which was broken.