All I Ever Wanted

DISCLAIMER: Warning! I make no claim to any property of J.K. Rowling's, and am in no way profiting by this. I do offer her my sincerest thanks for allowing us this garden of the mind in which we play. Further Warning! This story...and likely any I ever write...are dominated by gay themes and characters. That's how it is, if this in any way makes you uncomfortable...do not read further.

Author's Notes: I'd like to apologize for the darkness bomb I dropped with the last chapter, I know it's ugly, but I wanted that tragic element in this story. I hope I gave death some dignity and realism, hopefully some poignancy too. Today's music groove : VAST. Music to dream by, really. Beta Magic by Constant Vigilance.


"All I Ever Wanted" chap. 36 'The Maelstrom'


Draco's mind was a chaotic swirl of images, despite his still and quiet body. Harry was hard pressed to distance himself from the waves of tangible anguish that assailed him at every turn. It would be easy to get lost in this blizzard of sorrow, and, more than once, he considered withdrawing and letting Snape take his place.

What kept him going was plain. Draco needed him, and he needed Draco. They had come too far, too fast and, without one, the other would fall apart. He had to find his way through this maelstrom of emotion...somehow.

Harry grabbed hold of the image of Draco's mother and rode it like a broomstick through the corridors of his lover's mind. He found himself in the hazy memories of Draco's childhood. Narcissa seemed tall and angelic, a figure of awe inspiring love and gentleness.

Harry latched hold of his inner strength and willed himself forward through Draco's mind. Through birthdays and childhood triumphs, through comforts and pains, and into the blur of Hogwarts.

Harry paused...he was looking at Malkin's robe shop, years ago in the fitting room. Draco was looking at him intently when Harry walked in, he hadn't noticed it then, but the look the excited soon-to-be Slytherin had favored him with had been one of sudden interest and confused desire. It filled Harry with an instant tide of emotions, thinking of the two of them there, so close to friendship and missing it by only a few hasty, ill-spoken words. Then he remembered his duty, and moved quickly on.

The memories he flashed through were taxing for him. He appeared before himself now and again, always a figure of intense interest and passion, be it for good or ill. He saw Lucius change drastically with every passing year, cruel and viper tongued, a figure of menace instead of one of love.

Narcissa, however, did not change at all. She remained patient, affectionate, understanding and encouraging through every momentous event in Draco's life. Whatever his father had tried to mold him into, his mother had subtly undermined, keeping Draco at least slightly in touch with the person he really was. Harry slowed as the day he sought grew closer.

Finally he whisked through the sentence of Lucius and into Malfoy Manor. Here, there was work to be done. At the door to Narcissa's suite, Harry began his labor, weaving a cocoon of magic around the memories that had driven his lover mad. He softened the rough edges of Draco's already bruised psyche and created a kind of mental distance between the event and Draco's memory. He would remember everything, but it would be a soft memory, one without shock or horror.

Muggles had drugs that did such things, but those were dangerous and addictive. What Harry did would fade in time, but allowed the person so spelled a lengthy process of recovery before the spell slowly faded away. No messy after effects, no sudden jolt back to reality.

Harry worked with a caution born of his abiding love for Draco and, as he worked, he left behind him traces of that love: whispered ghost words of need and desire, affection and respect, love and adoration. When he was done, he withdrew with aching slowness, aware of the exhausted state of Draco's mind, slipping away with a last benediction to his sleeping love's now calm dreams.

Harry opened his eyes and sucked in his breath, then stumbled as his head throbbed and his knees went weak. He felt Snape's arms catch him and settle him into a chair.

"Well done. I can already sense the difference. I believe it worked. He'll be fine when he awakens, though he may still be grieving...at least he shall have his equilibrium and a measure of sanity when he comes to. Drink this, Potter, it will diminish the headache you shall shortly be enduring."

Snape handed Harry a rather bitter smelling brew, and Harry drank it without question. It occurred to him afterwards that he had just placed a lot of trust in Severus Snape. Discomforting was too mild a word to describe that. Nonetheless, Snape had come to the rescue quickly and efficiently, thereby sparing Harry from the burden of comforting Draco alone, trapped in a house that was not his own.

Harry clutched his aching head and squinted at Snape, trying to look grateful. "Thank you, sir. I mean, for everything. If you hadn't come, I don't know what I would have done. I was so scared for him. I just held onto him and kept him close to me, but he just wouldn't come around at all. You don't know what this means to me. I...I never thought I'd say this, but if there's anything I can do to make this up to you, anything at all, just ask. I owe you, I can't even say how much."

Snape almost flinched under the barrage of gratitude. His lips half curled into a snarl...then he calmed and simply answered, "Just do what you're here for, I shall consider myself repaid when I am no longer needed by the Order." He quickly began packing his things before any further outpourings of emotion were flung at him.

"Potter, I shall be taking the both of you to Hogwarts as soon as possible. I have already instructed the house-elves to begin the preparations for Narcissa's funeral. While you were busy, I also sent a message by Floo to Hogwarts. Professor McGonagall is aware that the matter here was most dire, and you are excused from classes until tomorrow morning. When the arrangements for the Lady Malfoy's funeral have been made, you will both be excused again for the occasion." Snape made the words sound so commonplace, so business like, that Harry was a little aghast. Snape caught Harry's look out of the corner of his eye.

"I'll have none of your silent judgements," he hissed angrily, "...do NOT mistake a sense of duty toward what must be done for callousness! I will grieve in my own time and way and you will be no part of it!" Snape angrily handed Harry a last potion.

"You will give this to Draco when he awakens. Send a house-elf for me when he does. Then we shall go." With a rattle of potion bottles and a flurry of black robes he swept out of the room and left Harry alone in Draco's room, still holding his sleeping boyfriend's hand.

Harry sat awhile, then realized he was exhausted both emotionally and physically. He curled into the bed beside Draco and wrapped his arms around the still body of his lover. Harry's heart suddenly felt so terribly loud, still pounding from tension and fear.

Poor Draco! He made peace with his father just in time to lose him, and then came home to a mother who had passed away before he could see her. A shred of ugly doubt filled Harry's mind. Was this what happened to people he cared about?

Pain and death and suffering followed him like vultures waiting to feast after the chaos he brought with him. Was Draco just another victim of being near Harry Potter and His Fucking Evil Scar and Fucking Stupid Prophecy?

It had been because of Harry that Lucius had been arrested; in a way, he'd been the one to kill Lucius and leave Lady Malfoy sick and weak! Harry was leaking tears when he drifted to sleep beside his lover. At least sleep offered a temporary oblivion that stripped these thoughts from him.

Snape sat in silence in Lucius' study, brooding over the events of the morning. Two old friends dead in a day, his godchild nearly following them to the grave, and Potter in the thick of it with those god awful eyes of his. It was like having Lily staring at him, boring into him, asking answers to things for which he'd long since paid a hundred times over.

Severus conjured a pot of tea and poured himself a cup. He sunk his head into his hand shortly after the first sip. He didn't weep, though his shoulders shook oddly and his chest tightened. He held it together again, like he always did. If he could be silent when Voldemort used the Crutiatus Curse upon him, then he could remain composed through this. It was just so tiring, so very, very tiring.

Damn Potter and his ill wind of misfortune. Damn Draco and his taste in companions. Damn Voldemort and damn Dumbledore and their infernal wrangling that kept him dangling from a precipice for almost twenty years. Someday, this would be over. Someday soon, he would be allowed to rest without an hour of spells and potions to guard his mind and soul. Perhaps then he could have the luxury of tears or smiles like others. Just...not...now!

He grabbed a decanter of costly brandy from Lucius' desk and chased his tea with that. A few minutes later, he had his composure back and summoned a house-elf. He rattled off a list of instructions regarding the preparation of Lady Malfoy for burial on Draco's behalf, and returned to his tea, hoping his godchild would wake soon and free them all from this place.

Harry felt the faint shudder beside him even in his sleep. Draco woke, crying softly, just small sobs and whimpers...all that his ruined throat could handle. Harry wrapped his hands around Draco's head and whispered his condolences and the little comforts that he could offer. It took awhile, but Draco recovered enough to try to speak...then rasped horribly when he tried to get words out. Harry fumbled for the potion Snape had left.

"Here love, Snape left this for you. I think it's for your throat. I sent a house-elf for help and he brought Snape. People who love you are right here, don't worry about anything." Harry spoke as soothingly as he could, trying to mask the panicky edge of his own voice.

Draco took the vial and drank from it slowly. His movements were stiff, almost zombie-like. He laid his head on Harry's lap and sat quiet for several minutes.

"Harry..." Draco's voice was still a disaster, but at least he could get words out, however garbled. "...I felt you. In my mind. Thank you. I'm sorry. I love you." The difficulty of speech made every statement almost mechanical sounding, but Harry could feel the sincerity of them and gently stroked Draco's terribly mussed hair.

"There's nothing you should be sorry for, love. I'm here and you're okay now. We'll get through this. I wish this hadn't happened, but we'll still make it." Harry leaned down and kissed Draco's brow ever so softly, then leaned back and continued stroking his lover's hair.

"Harry...," Draco paused. His words seemed so calm, his voice almost plaintive and yet weirdly matter of fact. "I lost them both. I don't know what to do now. What do I do, Harry?"

"Snape is taking care of some of it, love. We'll go back to Hogwarts soon. You hold the wards here and you can get us back. You'll always have me, though, and your godfather loves you very much, even if it takes Legilimency to pry the words out of him, it's still true. You still have a family, love. It's just different now. Everything will be taken care of, and soon it will be better, you'll see." Harry hoped those words would come true.

He summoned a house-elf and sent word to Snape. Only seconds later, another house-elf arrived with the book inventory and handed it quietly to Harry. Even the elf staff had discreetly recognized that he was now a part of the household. Although Harry suspected privately that the house-elf rumor mill might have even reached Dobby's former fellow servants, and that might have helped speed his acceptance in this house.

He glanced at the list and saw the title he was looking for in only a minute, then sent the house-elf to fetch it for him. He had the book safely tucked away before Snape even made it to them. He privately cursed himself for even thinking of the Order's business at a time like this, then got back to helping Draco up and tried to keep them both busy.

Severus entered the room somberly and without airs. This time, he crossed the threshold and simply grabbed Draco in a rough hug. Harry stood apart in surprise, even after seeing Snape in a different light, this still took Harry aback. When the two parted, Snape actually had a hint of moisture in his eyes.

"I absolutely forbid you to do anything so foolish ever again. I have only one godchild and that is you! Draco! I miss them, too, but they would not want that of you. Don't rob the rest of us of your company, I know you can't see it right now, but I swear there is some joy in this world to share. If you stay, you'll find it again."

Something in Snape's words dragged Draco a little closer to life and he stood a little straighter before he spoke. "I know. Thank you, sir. I'll be all right, but right now, I just want to go. Can we get away from here? Please?"

"Very well then. Draco, if you will prepare the wards, we shall leave together. Let us be on our way." Snape readied himself, and when they were all three prepared, they Apparated to the edge of Hogwarts wards, and walked the long road to the castle together in silence, too many weighty thoughts upon them to allow conversation.

Hogwarts had rarely seen such an unlikely trio at its gates, but a strange new family had been born to take the place of the one that had been so suddenly lost.