Memoirs of a Serpent's Son

Memoirs of a Serpent’s Son

--Age 17—part 5

August 19 –continued

Everything went quiet and Potter stared with wide eyes that spoke of shock and horror at the locket that I was holding. His eyes roved over the little details of the necklace for a moment before his face contorted in confusion and frustration and possibly even disbelief.

“Where the fuck did you get that?!” he finally asked, almost afraid to lower his wand from my chest.

I sighed heavily and felt myself calm down a bit. I don’t know why, but suddenly I didn’t need to yell or freak out anymore… suddenly I felt a bit of hope.

“My uncle gave it to my mother just before he was killed… he told her to destroy it if she ever needed to save herself or me,” I answered quietly. “That was my uncle Regulus… Regulus Black.”

Potter just stared dumbstruck at me, slowly putting it all together. It was deadly calm in the room and it was almost more painful than when Potter had been screaming at me.

“Take it,” I told him, thrusting it towards him. “You are obviously the right one to have it.”

He held out his hand, still completely dumbstruck as Slytherin’s locket fell into his palm. Without another word, I turned around and left to go back to my room, leaving Potter and his friends in that awkward state of confusion.

As for me… I felt so much lighter. I sighed in relief and felt all the stress and discomfort leave me in that breath of air. I actually smiled –though very briefly –as I returned to my room and lay down on my bed. Somehow, knowing that the piece of Voldemort’s soul that I had was now in the hands of the one who was to destroy him soothed me more than anything I could have imagined…

Even if Potter hates me and wants me dead… even if he can never forgive me… at least now I have this vague knowledge that I helped him succeed…

******
August 20

Oh god… it’s all happening again… Why am I such an idiot? SUCH A FOOL! SUCH A BLOODY FOOL!

……

Why do I keep doing this? WHY CAN’T I JUST STOP IT!? I can’t… just be…. It’s ALWAYS SOMETHING.

I…. I slept so well last night… better than I have in ages. Before I can remember, even. It was soundless and undisturbed by dreams or fears… I was free, if just for one night, of the horrors of my mind and of my past.

Just for one night.

I woke up feeling much better than I had in months. I was awake before everyone else I think, so I didn’t expect my door to be unlocked but it was… I wonder if Potter even locked it before he went to sleep… or if he ever would again.

I left my room and went to wash in the bathroom. I noticed right away that some of my old look was back. I looked stronger and more sure of myself. I looked cleaner and more polished…I looked arrogant.

My old sneer… I had it back!

I thought I’d lost it forever… all of my old charm –if you can call it that.

I fixed my hair and went down to breakfast. As no one was awake, I was faced with a problem: I have never cooked or prepared any meals for myself. Ever.

I stared at the bread on the counter and the marmalade there, wondering where I might find a knife to spread it. After spending much longer than should be necessary looking for the right utensils, I ate some bread with marmalade. And that’s it.

I’d like to think it wasn’t so bad for the first meal I’ve ever made myself.

Then I wandered over to the library to do some more reading, as it was the only thing I COULD do. Thankfully, Kreacher was nowhere to be seen and I was able to sit comfortably on one of the old armchairs to read the book I’d picked.

It was about Magical Seals and Protections.

Seemed a little odd in comparison to all the other books among the shelves. Ah well.

I don’t know how long I was reading, but it must have been quite a while because very suddenly, just as I was reading the chapter on Blood Seals, Potter burst into the room in a panic and a fury, clearly very angry.

“So this is where you’ve been hiding all this time!” he screamed, snapping me violently out of my concentration. I jumped unnoticeably and stared at him in confusion.

“Where else would I be?” I sneered mildly. “It’s not as if there’s anything else for me to do but read.”

“Don’t get smart with me, Malfoy!” he snapped, shaking in his frustration. “You know what I mean!!”

I think I may have regained a bit too much of my old self… because well…

“On the contrary, Potter,” I retorted lightly. “That wasn’t getting smart, that was dumbing it down.”

He did not appreciate it. He drew his wand smoothly and cast a spell I didn’t hear (or perhaps he didn’t speak), sending my book flying into the air and throwing me hard against the wall. My bad arm scraped painfully over the rough edges of one of the bookcases. I gritted my teeth and glared up at him.

“What the hell are you doing?!” I screamed, holding my arm unconsciously. His eyes lingered for a moment on the forearm I was holding but I couldn’t figure out why at first.

“That’s just what I should ask you!!” Potter shouted. I was past confusion at this point. I couldn’t understand at all. There was no explanation. Had I not just given him the key to destroying Voldemort yesterday?? Had I not just made his life easier and proven that I’m not the evil git he takes me for??

“What??”

“What are you playing at, Malfoy?!” he snapped, shaking his hands at me. “I don’t understand! What is your motivation here?! What do you want!?!” He started pacing violently around the room, his face contorted into one of indecipherable expression as he reamed me out for something I couldn’t understand. “We HATE each other, always have and always will! I can’t trust you! Why should I? You’ve done nothing to earn any kind of trust, in fact you’re always doing just the opposite! And… and you were the cause of his death!! YOU ARE THE REASON DUMBLEDORE IS DEAD!”

I stared at him through his speech and every word he spoke sent another fatal blow to my heart as he tore me apart in a matter of moments… I should have been devastated… I should have been practically suicidal at that point but I wasn’t… I… something he said triggered it and I was livid.

How could he say these things?! How could he ever possible understand just what it was like for me?! He doesn’t! He’s just assuming like everyone else ever has! No one has any kind of faith in me!

“And then,” he continued, though I almost didn’t notice. I was so lost in my own anger that I almost missed his next words. “THEN you just HAND over a Horcrux to me without asking ANY questions or seeking ANYTHING in return! It’s as though you didn’t even care! It’s like you just lent me your quill to use for a day or something that meaningless! I DON’T GET YOU, MALFOY! How can ANYONE, even slimy and cowardly filth like you, betray your Master so candidly and without care?!?!”

I almost wished that I HAD missed what he said because it hit me so hard that I just stared at him, dumbstruck and horrified, for who knows just how long before it started piecing together in my mind.

Had he really just said all that?...was I imagining things?

“Excuse me?” I muttered in a barely audible voice. “What was that? What are you talking about??”

“You know DAMN WELL what I’m talking about!!” Then his eyes darted to my arm again and it all came to me in a moment of painful realization.

“I see,” I said quietly, my voice full of venom and the threat of explosion… like the low rumble of the ground moments before a volcano erupts. “So that’s what this is about…” He looked like he was about to say something but I didn’t listen.

I jerked up the sleeve of my shirt and tore the bandages from my arm to show him the bloody and unhealed wounds that marred my forearm.

“THIS is why you are judging me?!” I screamed, holding my arm out to him so that his eyes could rove over every individual cut and drop of blood that ran down over my pale skin. He gaped in shock for a moment as he stared. “THIS is what you hold against me?! That’s right, Potter,” I continued, my voice getting louder and rougher with every word. I rubbed my arm vigorously as though to emphasize the point that there was nothing hidden there but blood and broken skin. “THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED ISN’T IT?! To see my arm and have PROOF that I’m a Death-Eater! You were expecting to find the Dark Mark there, yeah?” I jerked up the sleeve of my other arm just for good measure. “Well sorry to disappoint you, Scarhead, but I am NOT a Death-Eater! I never was one and I NEVER WILL BE. If you are going to judge me for something, GET THE FACTS STRAIGHT.”

He stared at me, still gaping as though wondering if it was all just an illusion, the anger ebbing very slowly from his face to be replaced with concern and confusion.

“But –” he started. I was not in the mood. He’d just set off the dragon and he was going to pay the full price.

“BUT WHAT?” I hollered, shaking in fury. I felt the blood on my arm thicken and flow more freely, dropping into tiny pools on the floor.

“But… You were working for him! You poisoned Ron and Katie!” he countered, regaining some of his anger to try and contradict me. “You are the REASON that Dumbledore is DEAD! It’s YOUR FAULT that the greatest wizard of all time is GONE!!”

My lip curled into an angry snarl and I’m sure I looked like a wolf growling at about that moment. I didn’t care. All of the anger and frustration that I bore against Potter from SIX YEARS of dealing with him and his bloody posse was boiling over and I couldn’t stop it anymore…

“I DID WHAT I HAD TO DO!” I bellowed, feeling as though if I kept my voice quieter, I might just literally explode from the tension. “VOLDEMORT THREATENED ME AND MY FAMILY! I WAS GIVEN NO OTHER CHOICE! But you would never understand that, Potter… you have HUNDREDS of people LINING UP and just WAITING for the sign to be able to DIE FOR YOU! You have support coming at you from EVERY ANGLE and I had NOTHING! I WAS ALONE AND I DID THE ONLY THING I COULD DO! MY MOTHER IS DEAD! SHE IS DEAD BECAUSE I COULDN’T EVEN BRING MYSELF TO DO IT! I DIDN’T KILL DUMBLEDORE MYSELF, POTTER!”

“But you were the one who disarmed him while he was weak and alone in the tower!! You were the one that called the Death-Eaters! You were the one that Snape was protecting –Malfoy, YOU ARE TO BLAME!” He was as livid as I was but he was NOT going to bring me down any longer. He was NOT going to get away with his self-righteous blind nobility!

“AND HOW MANY LIVES ARE YOU RESPONSIBLE FOR?!” I countered, feeling the air in the room crackle with the rampant emotions. “Tell me Potter, how many families have you destroyed because of your own ignorance?! How many people have died because you just aren’t willing to see the other side of the story?? You’ve been doing that with me from the VERY BEGINNING and LOOK AT WHAT HAPPENED!”

“You’re blaming ME for this?!” Potter screamed, waving his arms around as he spoke. “You were ALWAYS the one to instigate things between us, Malfoy! You hate me what was I supposed to do?!”

“YOU MADE ME HATE YOU!” I explained angrily. “If I ever even did! YOU MADE ME! I wanted to be your FRIEND from the beginning and YOU rejected ME! You MADE me into your villain and all I did was play my part!”

“So you wanted to be my friend and decided the best way to show it was to insult me every chance you got and make my life hell?!” He looked almost as though he was about to laugh with how absurd it all sounded.

“No, Potter,” I spat, quieting my voice. “I never insulted you directly. The one time I came close I paid for it with a beating I’ll never forget. I only ever insulted your precious friends…not you. But you never wasted a chance to insult me.”

“You got what you gave, Malfoy,” Potter snarled. “You were always an arrogant prick and you still are.”

“Oh, that’s right, Potter. I must have forgotten,” I retorted sarcastically. “You have been judging me unfairly since the very beginning, always treating me like I was nothing but a rock in your shoe when EVERYONE ELSE got the benefit of the doubt and your forgiveness. EVERYONE ELSE was important to you but me. You haven’t even the FIRST IDEA of who I really am, Potter, don’t pretend you do. You see these wounds? They’re from THIRD YEAR. Yes, that’s right, from the day that the damn Hippogriff attacked me. They haven’t healed since! But you didn’t know that, Potter. You would never have known had I not shown you and you wouldn’t even have cared. You are a piece of work, oh Chosen One.”

“Third year?” he snapped suddenly. He was staring at my arm throughout the whole conversation and his face was showing his failing resolve. He looked uncomfortable more than angry…and I was glad of it. “But how is that possible?”

“My father did such things to me as a child that my body has been permanently altered, because of it,” I snarled through my teeth at him. “I don’t heal and I don’t have enough blood… THAT’S why they haven’t healed and stress only makes it worse. Every single time that I’ve been hurt at school I’ve had wounds on my body for months and weeks before they even start healing. EVERY TIME and consequently EVERY TIME I got hurt you would laugh… Said I had it coming to me even when I’d done nothing wrong. What does that say about you, Potter? I am what I was made to be, what’s your excuse?”

But I didn’t let him answer. I just picked up the bandages from the ground and pushed passed him, seething with anger as I went back to my room.

He had NO RIGHT to say those things! He had NO RIGHT to blame me for Snape’s actions! I KNOW DAMN WELL that I am responsible for Dumbledore’s death, but at least I admit it! HE WOULD NEVER admit to having been the cause of anyone’s death… of anyone’s destruction. No…Saint Potter can’t be responsible for anything bad.

………

I hate him with every fiber of my being… for his ignorance and for his prejudice and for my inability to stop loving him, I HATE HIM.

I slammed the door to my room and not more than a few minutes later the door flew open again and Potter barged into my room, looking something a mix of frightened, furious and worried.

“What do you want, now?!” I spat with a snarl. “Come to watch me bleed?”

“SHUT UP!” he bellowed. The walls shook. “Who do you think you are?! How can you come in here and say all that and think that you are not to blame as well! FINE, maybe you are right about some things. Maybe I am more responsible than I thought I was. I’m NOT PERFECT! But you did NOT make it easy, Malfoy! If you wanted to be my friend so badly then why did you act that way?!”

“I TOLD you why!” I couldn’t believe how bloody thick he was. I still can’t believe that it takes this much to get through to him. “I only had the bully to play. You stole the spotlight and made everyone love you. All that was left for me was to be your opposite! All I had left was being your rival, Potter, there was nothing else for me! I had so much to live up to… so much hanging over my head and I was alone in doing it!”

“You didn’t have to be alone, you chose it,” Potter argued. I shook my head and rolled my eyes, feeling the energy leave me as I kept bleeding.

“Who did I have to go to then?” I asked, knowing what was coming.

“You could have come to me! You could have asked me for help!!” Potter looked as though he was desperate but I have no idea why.

“You would never have helped me, Potter,” I told him. I almost laughed. “The one time you saw me broken… in pieces and crying at my wit’s end, what did you do? You didn’t offer help, you tried to KILL ME.”

He stopped dead, suddenly remembering the incident in the bathroom…his lips vaguely formed the shape of the word ‘Sectumsempra’ as realization dawned and I nodded. His face darkened and he cast his eyes down.

“But you tried to use the cruciatus curse on me!” I ran my hand roughly over my face in frustration.

“I was DISTRAUGHT,” I snapped. “I thought it was N--….I didn’t know who I was cursing!!”

He cast his gaze away from me again, clearly feeling more and more guilty about everything that was happening. I… I was glad. I kept my jaw locked and my lips down-turned in a grimace as I stared at him hard, feeling as though he needed to be hurt… wishing for him to feel as bad as I did for just a moment…

And I hate myself for that too…

“I didn’t know what the spell would do…” he finally murmured, his face colouring very slightly. My eyes widened.

“So you thought that I was a good test subject?!” I sneered, feeling even more angry now that the truth came out. He refused to look at me.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

I jerked stiff at the words and stared at him. Did he just apologize? Did he really??

“I was so sure you were up to something… which you were, but…” he trailed off in some direction I can’t be sure of. “But that doesn’t justify the rest of the years we’ve gone to school together! There has to be more to it than you just ‘playing the part I assigned you’. What else is there?”

I felt caught. He finally looked at me and his eyes searched mine faster than I could react to close myself to him. I just looked away, feeling my anger ebb and be replaced by fear faster than I can even explain.

“You would never understand.” I spat the words at him, forcing myself to speak with every syllable.

“Why not? I’m not completely daft,” he defended angrily. “Go ahead. Try me!”

I looked at him again, staring into his eyes while mine were flat and almost empty. And before I could stop myself I did the thing I’ve been dreaming about doing for six years.

I pushed him up against the wall.

------IIIIII-------

A/N: GOD this was hard to write………. ARGH I don’t like the way it came out but… I hope it works anyway… it’s a lot of yelling and angry words so that Harry and Draco just have it out… it’s meant so that they both can get out some of their frustration and understand each other a little better… It is also meant to give Draco a little dose of reality to show him that he’s not entirely innocent in the whole matter (even though he knew it deep down anyway)…. I hope it makes sense… I’m really worried about this one and I don’t mean to leave it on a cliffie again but I am trying to keep the chapters at relatively even length… sorta lol

Ah anyway, I hope you like it and that I haven’t disappointed you all!

ALSO in response to ehcie-utada: Actually, I do keep a journal and eh… I guess I do kind of write it this way *sweatdrop* I suppose mine is a tad more girly, but essentially I treat it as a confidant much in this way, as though I’m writing to an audience X_X No one has ever asked me before! :)

Thank you to everyone who has given me reviews! They are so fantastic and I’ve been having such a hard time lately, they always make me giddy! Cookies and love for all!