One wish alone have I

Chapter 23 (part 1)
One wish alone have I

“Antanasia… are you aware that this is probably the most disgusting and repulsive idea that I have ever heard of, and believe me, I have brewed quite a few disgusting potions in my life!” exclaimed Severus from behind his desk, talking to me through the doorframe separating our quarters from the office.

“I know, I know…” I replied, brushing my hair with an amused smile floating on my lips.

“You are positive that you really want to drink that aberration?” he insisted, putting an incredulous face through the opening.

“Oh, yes!”

“Fine, then… I will make it… but I refuse to take any responsibility should that mixture have… the unpleasant side effects we have been dealing with for the past few months!”

“Do not worry, Severus! This is something I really want! Please… it will be a real treat for me!” I cooed, giving him my best puppy eyes.

“Sour milk, mashed salamander brains and bull’s blood,” he grumbled, getting up and walking towards his shelves. “And hot, in addition! Where, in the name of Merlin, does she get those crazy ideas?”

“You know, my darling, some tribes in Africa actually do this regularly, minus the salamander brains,” I joyfully retorted as he walked away, “and they even consider it a delicacy!”

Ah, cravings! The strange but relieving sign that my first trimester was definitely behind me. As we anticipated, my pregnancy resembled that of humans on many, if not most, points. Nevertheless, Severus saw my cravings as bluntly different from those of expecting human females, but according to what I heard here and there, I failed (and still fail) to see how the craving I just mentioned differed from eating chocolate chip cookies with mustard (apparently one of Molly’s favourites, according to Arthur). Severus, though he grumbled a couple of remarks here and there, usually complied with my strange requests, and prepared the mixture I requested… even if it was four in the morning.

One thing that was different, I fully agree, were my sleepwalking habits. Pregnant cainites tend to sleepwalk a lot during their second trimester, a thing that the best specialists still cannot explain. Indeed, it seems completely against nature and the laws of evolution to have our kind risk a walk in broad daylight; that tendency was present even before Sun-blocking potion had been invented.

Severus and I clearly underestimated the extent of that tendency until the first symptoms appeared, however. One day, about two weeks before Christmas, Severus saw me open the door separating our office from the classroom and walk in as calmly as if I was about to give a lesson… except that he was already teaching, for I was not supposed to teach at all that day. He told me I was dressed with one of his teaching robes carefully wrapped around me and had a somewhat vacant expression on my face, though my eyes were unmistakably fixed on a point right before me.

Apparently, I took advantage of the fact that he was walking among the experimentation tables to sit at the front desk, where I calmly picked a small measuring spatula… and started writing with it directly on the furniture’s surface. Severus quickly came back to the front and asked me what I was doing there. According to him, I calmly and very seriously said that he was not supposed to be there and had to leave promptly, for I was about to teach and the students would soon be there for their afternoon lesson.

His cold-bloodedness served him once more when he replied. With a perfect control over his voice, he informed me blandly that I was in the wrong classroom and that my students were waiting for their lesson in a room nearby. I docilely followed him back to our quarters, where he led me to my coffin. There, he helped me undress, inventing something about my teaching robes not being clean, until his voice betrayed his hidden amusement. I guess the sight of his awfully buttoned shirt and his pants pulled up with the opening behind instead of the obvious got the best of his self-control. He told me to lie down in the most serious tone he could find, but I detected the irony in his voice and started to emerge from sleep.

With a violent start, I realized where I was and what I had just done. Severus categorically refused to magically lock the coffin closed, despite my plea about it being a typical tradition among my kind in this type of situation. He kept refusing to do it even after Poppy found me nursing an empty bed in the hospital wing and Minerva walked me back to our quarters after she found me giving a lecture (and wearing Severus’ clothes once again) in the staff lounge.

However, when a very dumbfounded Remus brought me back in his arms through the Floo network directly into Severus’ office just as the latter was preparing for a morning lesson (and I was still sleeping peacefully with my head resting against Remus’ shoulder as if it were the most natural thing in the world), he finally changed his mind. Ironically, that particular incident convinced him that it was better for me to be either kept under tight surveillance, which was impossible, or simply locked in for safety. After much deliberation, he decided to turn the Floo network off and lock our bedroom door from the outside each morning when he left for the Great Hall, and to come back to unlock it every day at noon before lunch. He still occasionally found me preparing a Sleeping Draught in the bathtub with a bar of soap and a bottle of shampoo or giving a private lesson to an armchair, but those things were totally inoffensive, at the very least. And though Severus often pretended to be annoyed, I think he was far more amused than he admitted.

As for the activities I did while I was awake, they were highly diverse. I was still teaching, as you can imagine, and our workload became heavier with each week that took us closer to Christmas. We also attended meetings on both sides, but not much happened during that period. The Dark Lord was satisfied that his short-term plans were working. In addition, his different businesses on the black market were doing well and money kept coming in.

The Order members attempted some captures and most of them were successful; three more Death Eaters were imprisoned. I also devoted quite a large part of my free time to my injured friends, whom I visited every night at the Headquarters after Severus went to bed. Niculaie and Marcela benefited greatly from the assiduous care Remus and I gave them, and their burns were noticeably better healed about a weak and a half after their capture. Ivantie was informed of their misfortune, of course, and he sent us two additional warriors from the Zaharia Clan, along with two others from one of the Russian clans… and someone else, who joined them very unexpectedly and knocked on the Headquarters’ door barely a week before Christmas at three in the morning.

Remus raised a curious head from the pile of bandages he was folding and gave me a questioning glance. I told him that I expected no one at this hour and accompanied him to discover who our mysterious visitor was. Having people coming into Headquarters at any hour was normal, but they usually never knocked; they just broke the spells and came in. Therefore, our visitor’s behaviour raised our suspicions.

Taking our wands out, we both silently walked downstairs and positioned ourselves on each side of the hall.

“Who is it?” asked Remus in a firm and steady voice.

“My name is Cami of Zaharia. I have come to visit my friends who were injured a few weeks ago.”

“Cami!” I exclaimed, recognizing her voice and running to the door.

“Antanasia? What a surprise!” she said joyfully, falling into my open arms. “I did not think I would find you here!”

“You almost missed me; I was going to leave in half an hour or so,” I replied.

We giggled and babbled our happiness at seeing each other again for several minutes before Remus discreetly coughed and reminded us of his presence.

“So I guess she’s an ally and we’ll not hex her into any detention room?” he teasingly said.

“No, of course not, you big brute!” I laughed, giving him a friendly push. “But I am being horribly rude! Cami, please meet Remus Lupin. He is the keeper of the Headquarters, a highly skilled wizard and a most vital element to the Order.”

“Tasia, you’re exaggerating!” he protested.

“Pleased to meet you,” said Cami timidly, while Remus’ amber glance brought a very subtle shade of pink to her cheeks, making them rival in beauty with the most delicate orchid.

“The pleasure is mine,” replied Remus, shaking her offered hand, his hoarse voice contrasting amusingly with the softness of Cami’s. “Well, let’s not stay here! Niculaie and Marcela are downstairs in the dining room; I’m sure they will be enchanted to see you.”

As Cami followed my friend to the dining room, I thought that, though their voices contrasted greatly, the hands they shook must have offered the same rough touch; Cami’s hands have greatly suffered from the garden’s harshness for several years. With a smile, I told myself that opposites and similarities can indeed be found in each and every one of us. The minute Cami greeted our cainite friends downstairs and Remus turned to me, however, I quickly hid my smile… only to have it reappear again, in answer to the one I saw on Remus’ lips.

Cami took care of our friends’ injuries from then on, so friendship became the reason for my visits. On the other hand, Cami visited the Headquarters on a nightly basis for what she said were medical reasons, though I strongly doubt it was the sole purpose of her visits… for our friends were almost fully recovered by the time Christmas was knocking on our door.

During that period, Remus organized a small informal party with the Order members so we could enjoy each other’s company without the ever-present threat the Dark Lord and his Death Eaters represented. To my surprise, despite Cami’s regular visits at the Headquarters, her relationship with Remus did not seem to evolve in the way I would have expected to at first.

Indeed, though one could have imagined that after so many visits, they would have developed some kind of complicity, that complicity seemed to vanish as if by magic, however, when the time of the party arrived. Barely a few moments after Severus and I entered into the dining room, which had been enlarged for the occasion, a very strange and peculiar dance took place before my eyes between Cami and Remus.

The latter seemed to bluntly ignore her, but a quick Legilimency test informed me at once that it was rather out of timidity than out of spontaneous and unexplainable rudeness, which would have been very unlike him anyway. Cami, on the other hand, threw him hopeful glances from across the room each time he turned his back to her and, as the evening went by, I saw her become more and more disappointed at Remus’ apparent indifference. Fortunately, Marcela and Niculaie did their best to entertain her, but it did not improve her mood much.

Given the end of term exams, which were accompanied by the usual increased workload, I had somewhat forgotten to inform Severus of the few innocent little details I had seen here and there between those two during my occasional visits at the Headquarters. When I told him about Remus’ sudden change of behaviour and the impact it had on Cami, Severus merely snorted derisively and did not show any sign that he wished to keep that conversation rolling. I did not insist, of course, and chose not to intervene. I told myself that Remus and Cami were old enough to sort things out by themselves.

Severus, on the contrary, did intervene. Much to my surprise, I must admit.

When he left my side to go towards the tables, I merely thought that he was going to refill his drink, which he did. It took him ages, however, and he kept throwing very calculated glances everywhere in the room. By that time, Cami had somewhat given up on drawing Remus’ attention to her, and she was sitting by herself on a comfortable armchair next to the fireplace.

Taking a sip of his drink, Severus walked closer to Remus with what seemed to be a clear intention in mind. I innocently managed to be near them by the time Severus reached Remus’ level; curiosity was nearly killing me. Severus, rather dryly I must admit, told Remus that there might not be enough Floo powder for everybody to get back home that evening, and that he might want to check how much was left. Remus, the great host that he was, went to check the validity of Severus’ words at once, which took him right next to where Cami was sitting. Severus bent towards me with what looked unmistakably like a mischievous smile… a thing his lips almost never displayed… when he had all his clothes on.

“And this is in the name of all the jinxes and hexes he and his arrogant friends threw me at school,” he murmured, in a rather nasty but amused tone nevertheless.

Seconds later, a very discreet hex hit Remus’ feet and my poor friend felt himself completely unable to walk away from the fireplace. Not that he did not try, of course, but that attempt nearly caused him to trip over the magical binds and fall flat onto the floor… or onto Cami’s lap! Cami cast a very questioning glance towards a blushing Remus, and the unavoidable happened: giggling slightly, Remus probably made a joke about his misfortune and they started a conversation at long last.

“I did not know that you were such a matchmaker,” I taunted, tickling his earlobe with my nose.

“As a matter of fact, I am not,” he replied, feigning a slight indignation. “However, Cami is a very sweet woman, and I do not want Lupin’s usual and incurable lack of manners and clumsiness to give her a bad impression about us British wizards.”

“How very noble of you indeed,” I chuckled.

No matter what Severus\' motivations were, his strategy worked completely. To our delight, well, mine at the very least, Cami and Remus kept talking for the rest of the evening, even when Severus discreetly removed the hex from Remus’ feet.

About half an hour later, Severus and I were chatting with a group of people, among which were Molly, her husband Arthur, and Mister Moody. A furtive look at the clock informed me that it was time for me to feed. Exchanging a knowing glance with Severus, I discreetly asked him if he was willing to leave the room with me.

“After you,” he gently said, giving me a quick nod before he addressed the group. “If you will excuse us for a moment…”

By that time, all the Order members knew about my state. Therefore, we felt at ease to simply escape to another room without further ceremony so Severus could feed the baby. It had indeed happened on a few occasions during meetings when they dragged until late in the evening.

“Hearing the call of duty, Severus?” said Arthur jokingly with a little smile.

Though most of those who were present smiled or giggled at Arthur’s remark, two people did not. Molly turned to her partner and gave him a glance that was filled with reproach. Mister Moody, on the other hand, looked at Severus in a very distrustful way.

“What is it, Molly?” Arthur softly exclaimed. “Don’t tell me I said something wrong again!”

“It’s nothing, Arthur,” she retorted grumpily. “Really, it’s nothing.”

“Please, Molly,” I tensely intervened, breaking what was becoming a very uneasy silence. “If something is making you uncomfortable, just say so.”

“Well, if you must know,” she defensively began, “though you might be used, obviously, to the idea of drawing blood from another person every night, some people here might find it rather… disturbing.”

“Disturbing?” repeated Severus, in a dangerously low voice.

“Yes, disturbing,” she replied, her eyes fixing us with an almost defiant expression.

“No matter what the reason,” growled Mister Moody, his eyes still fixed on Severus, “it doesn’t change what it is, and you might want to be a little more discreet.”

Severus’ reply came so quickly, and in such a steady and determined voice, that there could be no doubt left about his genuineness.

“Let me make something very clear to all of you. Antanasia and I have been taking care of that child together from the very second it came to life. Antanasia, by giving her a shelter and magical haven, and I, by feeding her with my very blood. In a word, our child depends on the two of us to survive. That, Moody, Molly, can hardly compare to men’s usual insignificant thirty seconds of glory and complete passivity for the rest of the pregnancy. You can search every book known to wizardkind, but you will never find other beings for whom fatherhood implicates such a high degree of involvement. Personally, I do not see what could be more beautiful, on the contrary, and that’s the reason I would never even consider hiding it from anyone, no matter how… narrow-minded people can obviously be at times.”

And on this, he turned to me with a resolute but very satisfied and contemptuous expression and ceremonially gave me his arm. I walked out of the dining room at his side, warm-hearted and blushing as if he had already let me lock my lips on the pulsating veins of his neck. If Mister Moody started mumbling gruffly again the moment we turned our backs to him, Molly, on the contrary, was probably still standing open-mouthed among the group when our feet touched the first stairs.

I never devoured my lover’s neck when he gave me the honour of letting me feed on him, but the sincerity and the boldness of his statement touched me deeply, and I particularly took the time to discern, appreciate and enjoy each and every taste that flew through his veins that night. I remember that Severus cradled me in his welcoming and tender arms for several minutes before we finally left my former resting room, walking hand in hand, and joined the others in the dining room.

When we left the Headquarters after the party was over, Cami was loyally helping Remus do the dishes and clean the dining room. We thought it best not to insist on helping them, and we simply left. When Severus gave me the courtesy of taking me in his arms to Apparate us to Hogsmeade where a carriage was waiting for us, I told myself that one of them would unquestionably owl me sooner or later to inform me of the evening’s developments. Sure enough, two owls fluttered by our windows the following evening. The letters they carried brought me very good news…

~*~

Severus and I spent a very quiet evening together the night before Christmas. We shared a very intimate and romantic dinner in our quarters and feasted on a sumptuous meal that we ordered from one of Hogsmeade’s finest restaurants. The following day, we attended the traditional Christmas lunch with the rest of the staff and the students who had decided to spend the holidays at the castle. They were far less numerous than the year before, given the atmosphere of insecurity that reigned all over England, Scotland, and Ireland in that dark period of our history. I guess it was simply human for parents to ask for their children’s presence at their side during this period of celebration, in order to both give and receive affection, warmth and love.

And they were right to worry! We were all right to worry. Shortly after Christmas, the first serious terrorist attacks began. Both on the Muggle and Wizarding sides, Voldemort ordered massive attacks in strategic locations all over London, Dublin and Glasgow. In order to make the attacks less, shall we say, paranormal to the Muggle eye, he orchestrated the explosion of several Muggle bombs. This was made possible with the help of several Muggles that Lucius Malfoy had recruited over a year ago and, I must say, I was greatly impressed by the terrible knowledge they possessed.

That knowledge had sinister consequences; hundreds of Muggles died in the explosions, and the damage was the same on our side. During the few weeks after those explosions, the atmosphere of worry and fear turned to a climate of panic, which plunged the Ministry of Magic into a complete froth and, to a certain point, a complete disorganization. Dozens and dozens of reports had to be filed each day, and Aurors were sent on countless investigation missions that proved to be completely fruitless and useless, much to their frustration.

The Dark Lord, of course, was supremely satisfied by the effect of those few but murderous terrorist attacks. The longer the Aurors looked around for possible bombs, the less they looked around for his precious Death Eaters. Voldemort never claimed responsibility for those attacks, however, which was a very clever decision, unfortunately. He knew that the Ministry of Magic and all members of wizardkind would undoubtedly link those attacks to him, and those assumptions gave him even more power than a public claim would have. That way, the fear he created was more primal, instinctive… and it brought an incredible sense of importance to his megalomaniacal mind.

Though we found ourselves deeply plunged into that chaos and climate of terror the minute we set foot outside the school grounds, we could still find some happiness and comfort within the school’s walls. Oh, the knowledge that cursed our peace of mind always swooped down on us and always managed to remind us that no place was truly safe, but there were hours during which we definitely kept the war away.

Towards the fifth month of my pregnancy, indeed, our daughter started giving more physical signs of her presence, and Severus was able to feel her kicks as they became stronger with each passing night. By the time I entered my sixth month, I often had the impression that a game of Quidditch was going on in there (with the brooms and all!), but Severus merely blamed it on my influence, saying that she had only inherited her mother’s liveliness and energy. He usually teased me for a while, but eventually took pity on me and cast a Warming Charm on his hands before he placed them fondly on my agitated belly, a gesture that almost never failed to calm the baby down and put her to sleep. My height had successfully concealed my state until then, but it now betrayed the baby’s presence with nice round curves that made me look pregnant at last… and not “just fat”!

I thought that silhouette would flatter me, but a complaint I made at the very beginning of my seventh month to Ivantie over the Floo network about the increasing difficulty of moving around earned me the title of “Miss Beluga\", a title he never failed to taunt me with every time he could. Even Severus, who kept repeating that he found me even prettier now that I carried his child, used that term once in a while (oh, in a tender way, but still!), especially when he watched me struggling my way out of my coffin, an operation that understandably became less and less elegant… and autonomous as the weeks went by.

Nevertheless, even if we still found and created reasons to laugh, things were not always joyful, as I mentioned. The previous month (it was in February), the Dark Lord organized more targeted and small-scale operations. He obtained a list through Macnair from the Ministry that had all the names and addresses of the Wizarding families all over England, Ireland and Scotland. With that list in hand, he started what he called the “purification” of the Wizarding world. He planned the murder of dozens of families of Muggle descent or who associated with Muggles a little too much for his taste. As the Ministry was still kept very busy with the Death Eaters’ larger scale activities, the Order became particularly handy in taking those matters in charge. We were generally able to alert the families before the Death Eaters attacked, but a few of them saw the ominous Mark float above their house, and some were even chased deep into hiding and coldly executed. Severus and I were forced to toast several of those unfortunate people’s deaths during meetings, sharing a fake joy with the ecstatic followers who cheered around us.

Shortly after a meeting, however, a strange incident happened. It was at the end of a particularly busy week, and I had thought that cleaning and making the inventory of the classroom’s cupboards would make our life easier for the rest of the school term. I was very concentrated on my task, and it took a while before I heard the rattling sounds that came from a closet at the back of the classroom. Suspecting a Boggart, I took the time to finish my chores before I took place in front of the closet in question, wand at the ready.

What I saw walking out of that closet froze me with horror.

As soon as the door opened, Severus stepped out of the darkness and came closer to me… or should I say, a rather dreadful version of him did. He was still wearing black robes, but it only clashed even more with the whiteness of his hair, which was becoming rather scarce and thin on his head. The skin on his face looked as if it were made of melting wax; all his once so strong and virile features were loosely declaring their defeat to the passing of years and hung slack on his bones. His eyes! His beautiful dark eyes had lost every ounce of the fierceness and passion that usually shone through them and his lower lip was trembling slightly, revealing a set of yellowing teeth, sometimes completely stained with black. His tall figure was bent forward in a ridiculous bow, as if all the sorrow of the world was weighing on his shoulders; only the cane he clutched with a bony and wrinkled hand seemed to prevent him from falling forward on the ground.

I stood in front of that horrendous vision for several minutes, my hands clutched on my mouth and my breath completely trapped in my throat. At first, my motionlessness was caused by shock, and then by my forcing myself to face my fears and look them in the eye. I was still employing myself to the task when the real Severus walked into the classroom.

“Just a Boggart, darling,” I quickly explained, as he looked at the older version of him with a very severe frown.

“Do you want me to take care of it?” he asked in a neutral voice, taking out his wand.

“No, that will not be necessary,” I precipitately said, knowing that Severus would hate to have me see his worst fear.

Summoning all my self-control, I tried to imagine a way to make that repulsive sight look funny. It did not come easily, especially because I had the real Severus leaning casually against a worktable close by. Curiously, it was the thought of Miss Tonks that came to my rescue. I remembered how her last choice of a hairstyle had reminded me of one of those Muggle music bands that play what they call “hard rock” music and I concentrated hard on that image.

“I am sorry, my dear… Riddikulus!” I stated out loud.

In the blink of an eye, the Boggart transformed and the old Severus found himself dressed as a rock star… with his white hair dyed in a shocking shade of mauve. I could not help but let out a short exclamation of laughter; he truly looked like a clown. Severus merely snorted, but my reaction was enough to make the Boggart vanish into thin air.

“Why the grumpy mood, Severus?” I asked as we were preparing for dinner several minutes later.

“I seem to be a popular subject when it comes to Boggarts,” he retorted, organizing a pile of parchment rolls on his desk. “I do not mind being people’s worst fear, do not misunderstand me… but what people do to my image with that spell can be… very annoying, at the very least.”

“I am sorry; that is the first thing I thought about…” I pleaded, trying to adopt a more serious attitude.

“I was not talking about you, Antanasia… in fact, what you did to get rid of that creature is not really what matters to me. On the other hand, the way it reacted to you worries me a little bit.”

“I did not expect it to react that way,” I admitted. “Usually, it takes the shape of a middle-aged man with a stake and a sword in his hands. That is usually the shape Boggarts opt for in front of cainites. The least I can say about what we both saw… is that it should tell you a lot about how much I care about you... right?”

“Oh, it does,” he murmured, letting me fling my arms around his neck and nuzzle my nose against his temple. “But… don’t you want to talk about it?”

“Honestly? No,” I replied. “That Boggart did not show the future, Severus… merely a fear I have about the future. We should simply forget about this; I will try to do just that.”

“If you say so,” he said doubtfully, before we headed for the Great Hall.

We never mentioned that episode again, and I successfully pushed that awful image at the back of my mind, where it would not bother me anymore. Severus, on the contrary, gave it much thought… as I was to learn later.

~*~

AUTHOR’S NOTES

As always, thanks for your patience! And remember... reviewing will not hurt you, I promise! Why don\'t you give it a try? ;o)