Once in a Blue Moon (COMPLETE)

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Say It
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When Sirius arrived back at Hogwart’s, he found Enid, Alphard’s owl, waiting for him in the Gryffindor dormitory. The bird was perched on one of the bedposts and, the letter it had delivered was placed on the bedside table, ready for Sirius’s arrival.

“Why would he have sent me a letter when we were there for the holidays?” Sirius asked as soon as he recognised the handwriting.

“I don’t know,” Remus replied. “Perhaps you should open it and see what it says.”

“I don’t think I can,” Sirius admitted. “Not yet.”

“Do you want me to open it for you?” Remus offered.

Sirius shook his head; the letter was still clutched in his hand. “I don’t think I can take it right now. Not after listening to everyone from James and Peter to Professor McGonagall asking if I’m all right. How did they even know about it?”

“It was reported in the Daily Prophet,” Remus explained. “A Black family funeral is always a big deal, and your Uncle was very popular with everyone. It was the biggest turn out for a Black family funeral in over a century.”

“I didn’t realise,” Sirius whispered. “I knew there were a lot of people there, but I didn’t realise it was that many, or that unusual.”

Remus took the letter from Sirius and carefully placed it on the bedside table. “Why don’t you try and get some sleep?” he suggested. “You’ve not slept properly since Christmas Day.”

Sirius nodded mutely and gathered his wash things so that he could get ready for bed. He hurriedly showered in the prefects’ bathroom, thankful that it was empty, and made his way back to the dormitory. He wasn’t surprised to see that Remus was already in his pyjamas and turning back the covers of his bed.

He knew he wouldn’t need to ask Remus to sleep in his bed tonight, it was almost as if the other boy was reading his mind and anticipating his need for comfort. He climbed beneath the covers and gave Remus a grateful smile when he joined him.

Sleep was a long time in coming, but finally Sirius let slumber overtake him completely.

“How is he?” Romulus asked Remus after Sirius had finally fallen asleep.

Remus brushed Sirius’s hair back out of his face before turning to answer his brother. “He misses him.”

“Of course he does,” Romulus replied as he hovered at the end of the bed.

“He looks troubled, even when he’s asleep,” Remus whispered.

“It’ll get easier with time.”

“Will it?” Remus asked. “Because I don’t see it getting easier.” He gave his brother a pointed look.

“Would it help if I left?” Romulus asked quietly.

“No,” Remus replied with a sigh. “I don’t know what I’d do without you here. You’re the only family I have, ghost or not.”

Romulus nodded thoughtfully. He looked like he was about say something more, but the distinct cry of Moaning Myrtle came from somewhere nearby and he made a sharp exit from the room, explaining that he didn’t want to risk his pesky stalker waking Sirius now that he was finally asleep.

Remus called a quiet goodnight before he went to sleep too.

-o-xXx-o-

It was nearly two weeks before Sirius found the courage to open Alphard’s letter. When he did, he realised that it had been written whilst the boys had slept late on Christmas Day. His uncle made it clear that he knew that his time was almost over, and he urged Sirius to take care of Regulus, since he would no longer be able to keep an eye on them both.

Sirius spared a thought for his brother, alone on the other side of the world, and felt increasingly grateful for the comforting presence of Remus. He hoped that Regulus had a friend who was there for him whilst Sirius could not be.

The letter wasn’t particularly long. In it, his uncle explained that he had left the property in Cornwall to Regulus, whilst the remains of his fortune (which he apologised was not much) would go to Sirius. He cautioned him to use the money wisely, and to save it for when he really needed it. Sirius knew that it was his uncle’s way of giving Sirius a way out of Grimmauld Place, when the time came.

Sirius read the letter several times, then he stored it away at the back of his journal, safely secured behind the magical lock.

“You’ve read the letter?” Remus asked as soon as Sirius walked into the common room.

Sirius nodded.

“You okay?”

Sirius nodded again and pulled out his transfiguration textbook to revise for Professor McGonagall’s upcoming test. Keeping busy was the key, and he intended to do precisely that. Remus pulled up a chair beside him and patted him on the arm. He didn’t need to say anything; they both knew that just being there was enough.

-o-xXx-o-

Sirius wondered how long it would be before Romulus spoke to him again about the sleeping arrangements in the Gryffindor boys’ dormitory.

Since their return after the Christmas holidays, Remus had joined him in his bed every night. At first Sirius had just needed the closeness and comfort of the other boy as he mourned for his beloved uncle, but the longer it went on, the less innocent he knew his intentions were.

He was half expecting Romulus to appear to have a chat with him on the night of the upcoming full moon, so it didn’t come as a surprise to find that the lingering ghost brought up the subject almost immediately after Remus had transformed.

“You aren’t going to send Remus back to his own bed, are you?” Romulus asked. Sirius was grateful that he was direct and to the point, and not skirting around the subject.

He looked at Remus’s older brother warily as he took his usual seat on the stairs. “No,” he finally replied.

“Do you…er…I’m not sure how to phrase this, not without risking getting punched in the face or something.”

“You’re a ghost,” Sirius reminded him. “I couldn’t punch you, even if I wanted to.”

Romulus laughed briefly and shook his head at his forgetfulness. “Good point.”

Sirius smiled and turned back to look at Moony.

“Er…” Romulus faltered again. It seemed that even without the threat of physical violence, he couldn’t manage to find the words.

Sirius sighed and leaned back against the wall, closing his eyes as he consciously gathered his courage together. “Yes,” he finally said in a voice that was barely more than a whisper. “The answer to your question is yes.”

“You don’t know what I was going to ask,” Romulus pointed out.

“You want to know if I fancy Remus,” Sirius stated and he turned to look Romulus in the eye.

Romulus nodded thoughtfully. “And the answer’s yes, is it?”

Sirius nodded slowly. “I’ve tried not to, really I have. I just can’t seem to help myself.”

“No one can help who they fall for.”

“You speaking from experience?” Sirius asked in a voice that was half teasing and half serious.

“Not really, but I’m told it’s a universal truth.”

“Are you going to tell him?” Sirius nodded towards Remus. He wasn’t sure which answer he wanted to hear.

After giving it some thought, Romulus shook his head. “It’s not really my place to, is it?”

“I keep trying to tell him,” Sirius said. “I just can’t seem to find the right time, or the right words…or the courage.”

“I’ll make myself scarce in the morning, if you like?”

Sirius considered the offer for a minute before he shook his head. “Remus didn’t get to see you for more than a few minutes before he transformed tonight; he’ll want to see you in the morning.”

“Well, if you change your mind, just say the word and I’ll disappear myself somewhere for a while.”

Sirius smiled at the offer and picked up the book he’d brought with him to pass the time. Unfortunately he found it difficult to concentrate on the words.

“Do you really not mind that I like Remus like that?” Sirius asked curiously.

“Let’s just say I’ve noticed you checking my baby brother out, even if he hasn’t.”

“But, do you mind?”

“It’s not really important whether I mind or not, is it? The important thing is what Remus thinks about it.”

Sirius nodded and turned back to his book.

“Sirius?” Romulus asked after some time had passed.

“Hmm?”

“About the bed…er…”

“What about it?”

“Do you think that perhaps it might be a good idea to stop sharing a bed until after Remus knows how you feel about him?”

Sirius flushed as Romulus gave voice to the one thing that had been bothering him the most. Every time Remus curled up beside him, Sirius couldn’t help but wonder whether he would be so quick to do so if he knew how Sirius felt about him. He knew it wasn’t fair on Remus to continue taking advantage of his good nature, and he had felt more and more guilty with each passing night. He cursed his selfishness, even as he savoured the feeling of Remus lying in his arms.

“I’ll speak to him today,” he finally said. He just hoped he could find the courage before the sun went down that night, because if Remus crawled into his bed tonight, he knew he wouldn’t have the willpower to turn him away.

-o-xXx-o-

The rest of the students were in class when Sirius and Remus arrived back at the castle.

“You want to go to the last twenty minutes of Potions?” Sirius asked.

“I intend to make the most of my excuse not to,” Remus replied as he headed past the staircase leading down to the dungeons and up the stairs towards Gryffindor Tower. “What about you?”

“I’m ahead of the rest of the class anyway,” Sirius reminded him. “All those extra classes with Slughorn and Pomfrey are paying off at last.”

Remus laughed. “So, they weren’t paying off whilst you were pouring those revolting concoctions down my throat?”

“You know what I mean,” Sirius replied with a laugh of his own. “Come on, let’s go and sit in the common room.”

The two boys made their way to the Gryffindor common room and were surprised to find it entirely empty of students. There weren’t even any sixth of seventh years with free periods hanging around the cosy fireplace. As such, Remus and Sirius took advantage of their good fortune and snagged the best seats, right in front of the roaring fire.

“Better get reading up on the next chapter for Charms,” Remus said as he pulled out his textbook. “What about you?”

“I read it last night. Still got McGonagall’s essay to do though.”

“Isn’t that due this afternoon?”

“Yeah, I guess I better get on with it, huh?”

Remus laughed as Sirius went to fetch his things so that he could get started.

Five minutes later, Sirius had still not put quill to parchment. The common room was deserted, and likely to remain so for some time. Sirius knew that the students would soon be finishing the last lesson of the morning and making their way to the Great Hall for lunch.

“You planning on handing in a blank page?” Remus teased with a nod towards the parchment in question.

Sirius frowned and continued to dither over starting the essay. He knew he had to talk to Remus and now was as good a time as any. In fact it was better than most, since it was a rare occasion when they were entirely alone with no other students around at all.

“Remus?” he finally asked quietly.

“Hmm?”

“Can I talk to you?”

“Anything’s possible.”

Sirius rolled his eyes. “I’m being serious.”

“I guess you must be,” Remus replied with a grin. “Especially since you said that without a rubbish joke being added to it. What’s up?”

Sirius looked at Remus as the other boy looked back at him earnestly. This was harder than he had ever imagined, and he felt his courage ebbing away with every passing moment.

“Is something wrong?” Remus asked. He looked around for his bookmark in order to give Sirius his undivided attention.

“Carry on reading,” Sirius requested nervously.

“I thought you wanted to talk?”

“I do, but I think I’ll find it easier if you aren’t looking at me when I say this.”

Remus gave him an odd look, but opened his book again.

“You’re still looking,” Sirius accused, easily spotting that Remus was peeking at him from under his eyelashes.

Remus ducked his head a little further. “Better?” he asked.

“Much.” Sirius drew in a deep breath and looked towards the fireplace. He chewed on his lip for a moment before turning back to Remus. “Do you remember back in third year when Rita wrote all that stuff about me?”

Remus’s head shot up. “Oh, Merlin, please tell me you haven’t given that nosy cow another interview?”

“Never!” Sirius exclaimed. “Don’t even joke about that. I never want to see my name in print again, and definitely not if she has anything to do with it. But do you remember what she wrote about me?”

Remus frowned slightly as he thought back to the time in question. “You mean about liking boys instead of girls?” Sirius nodded. “You’re not still worried about that, are you?”

“Not exactly,” Sirius replied, and he pointed at Remus’s book, reminding him that he wasn’t supposed to be looking at him.

Remus rolled his eyes, muttered something that didn’t sound very complimentary, and looked back down at the pages.

“She was right,” Sirius finally admitted. His voice was barely more than a whisper, but he could tell that Remus could hear what he’d said as clearly as if he had shouted his confession at the top of his lungs, with his voice magically amplified for good measure. He felt a great weight lift from his chest as soon as the words were spoken, but he knew the weight wouldn’t be relieved entirely until he knew what Remus thought about his confession.

Remus looked up again.

“You’re looking!” Sirius accused, pointing at the book again. “I can’t do this while you’re looking at me.”

Remus ignored him and closed his book. He placed it on the table beside him and looked across at Sirius. “So, what you’re trying to say is that you think you might be gay?”

“I don’t think I might be,” Sirius replied. He rubbed at the back of his neck and turned to face the fire once more. If Remus continued to look at him, he would have to look away instead, or he would never get through the next few minutes. “I thought I might be back then. I spent last year trying not to be, trying to ignore my feelings, but it’s no use. I just don’t like girls. Or I don’t like girls in that way. I like them as friends – or some of them anyway. Lily and Charlie, and most of the Gryffindor girls are okay, though I could cheerfully strangle Rita and her harpies. I just don’t like them, like them. You know what I mean?”

“You mean you don’t fancy them?”

“Exactly!”

“But that doesn’t mean you’re gay,” Remus pointed out sensibly.

“It does when you fancy boys instead,” Sirius muttered, his face flushing as he made his confession.

“And do you?” Remus asked.

Sirius nodded. “I tried not to, but I can’t help it. Do you mind?”

Remus laughed easily. “Why in the name of Merlin would I care if you fancy boys? Leaves more girls for me, doesn’t it?”

Sirius smiled weakly. Although he was relieved that Remus didn’t appear to have any problems with him liking boys, he wasn’t exactly coming out with his own confession of a similar nature.

“So, have you got your eye on anyone?” Remus asked with a conspirator’s grin. “Want me to try and set you up with someone? How can you tell if someone is, you know, like you?”

Sirius cringed under the barrage of questions, but was saved from answering them by the opening of the portrait hole and the arrival of a boisterous group of third years.

“You can tell me later,” Remus said as he stood up. “You coming down to lunch?”

Sirius looked at the still blank parchment and shook his head. “McGonagall will hit the roof if I don’t hand something in.”

“I’ll see you later then.”

Sirius nodded and Remus headed out of the common room. He hadn’t quite worked his way up to confessing his feelings for his friend, but at least Remus knew what his preferences were, and even better, he didn’t seem to mind at all.

That night Sirius was surprised to find Remus in his usual place in Sirius’s bed. “I didn’t think you’d want to sleep here,” he confessed as he climbed in beside him.

“Why not?”

“Well, because of what we talked about earlier.”

“I told you, I don’t care who you fancy. You liking other boys won’t stop us being friends, will it?”

“No,” Sirius promised. “Of course it won’t.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

“There isn’t one,” Sirius assured him with a smile.

“Unless you don’t want me here,” Remus guessed. “Do you think that maybe the boy you like will be upset if they knew about me sleeping here?”

Sirius shook his head mutely.

“Do James and Peter know?” Remus asked.

“No. Only you and Romulus… and my Uncle Alphard knew.”

“Rom knows?” Remus nearly fell from the bed with surprise. “How come he knew and I didn’t?”

“He guessed,” Sirius explained as he pulled Remus back towards the middle of the mattress.

“Thanks,” Remus muttered as he moved back into place. “So, who do you have your eye on?”

“Um.”

“There is someone, isn’t there?” Remus crowed. “Come on, you’ve got to tell me. I’m your best friend; you can’t keep something like this from me! Who is he? Is he handsome? Is he in our year? Does he go to Hogwart’s? Come on, tell me, please!”

Sirius rolled his eyes as Remus continued to plead and beg for an answer to his questions. He was almost ready to tell Remus exactly who it was who had caught his eye, but was forestalled by his friends next words.

“I’ll tickle it out of you if I have to,” Remus threatened.

“You wouldn’t dare,” Sirius warned, regretting that he had ever confessed to Remus that he was terribly ticklish pretty much everywhere.

“Oh, yeah!” Remus launched himself at Sirius, and after tugging the blankets out the way, began tickling him mercilessly.

Sirius squealed and wished he didn’t sound quite so girlish when he did so. “Remus, no!” he cried, although the other boy was showing no signs of halting his torture.

“You going to tell me who it is?” Remus asked again as he climbed on top of him.

Sirius shook his head as he tried to get his breath back.

“So be it,” Remus stated as he ran his fingers lightly over Sirius’s ribs.

Sirius squirmed as he tried to escape but Remus was having none of it.

“What the hell?”

Sirius and Remus both turned towards the door at the sound of James arriving in the dormitory.

“Do you two have any idea what you look like?” James asked casually.

“What do you mean?” Remus asked, a look of genuine confusion on his face.

James shook his head and walked towards his own bed. “I do wonder about you two sometimes,” he muttered as he shrugged out of his robes and undid his tie.

Remus turned to watch James but didn’t alter his position, which was currently straddling Sirius. “I wonder about you, too,” he commented casually. “Is that a love bite on your neck? Or has Lily hexed you again?”

“What do you think?” James replied.

Remus sat back on his heels and grinned. “Hex.”

“I didn’t even deserve it… this time.”

Remus laughed loudly and it was then, listening to that joyous sound, that Sirius realised he had a problem. He stayed as still as he could manage, hoping that Remus didn’t lean back any further than he already was. He guessed there was little more than an inch or two between Remus and his increasingly painful problem, and he tried to will it to go away.

“Sirius, are you okay?” Remus asked. Sirius blinked at him a time or two. He had completely lost track of the conversation whilst he had been silently praying to whatever deities may be listening to give him the equivalent of a very cold shower.

“You’re getting kind of heavy,” he finally muttered, causing James to snicker loudly as he gathered his wash things and left the dormitory once more.

“Sorry,” Remus apologised and he scooted backwards slightly.

Sirius squeaked as Remus pushed up against him, and he saw the very second that comprehension dawned in his eyes. He felt his face flushing and wished that Remus would just get off of him, or at least say something.

“Oh,” Remus finally whispered.

“That’s all you have to say?” Sirius asked. “Oh?”

“What do you want me to say?” Remus countered.

“I…I just want you to get off me, please,” Sirius stuttered.

“Oh, yeah, sorry.” Remus clambered off of Sirius and looked warily across the room towards his own empty bed.

“I’m sorry,” Sirius whispered.

“It’s okay. You can’t help it, no more than any other bloke can.”

“I can’t believe you’re being so nice about this.”

“You want me to act like some narrow-minded Slytherin?”

“No, but…I don’t know…I just thought you’d be more weird about it.”

Remus leaned on his side as he looked down at Sirius. “I’m a werewolf, one of a very unpopular minority group. After what happened last year, did you really think I would judge you on this?”

“I guess not.”

Remus nodded and lay back down again. “Sirius?”

“Yeah?”

“Was it me or James?”

“What do you mean?”

“Was it James getting undressed that got you hard, or was it me jumping on top of you?”

Sirius looked at Remus for a long time before he answered. “You.”

“Oh.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

“Does it bother you?”

“I don’t know.” Remus frowned a little. “I don’t like to think of you fancying James, not when he’s so loopy over Lily. You’d only get your heart broken if you fancied him.”

“But…?”

“But, I don’t know what to think about me making you hard.”

Sirius knew that the time had come for his final confession, but once again he took the coward’s way out. “I’d probably have had the same reaction no matter who it was rubbing up against me.”

Remus chuckled. “Just your average horny teenager then? You want me to go back to my own bed tonight?”

“What for?”

“So you can take care of that problem I’ve given you.”

“S’okay, you can stay.”

“But don’t you want to, you know…?”

Sirius shook his head.

“But isn’t it painful?”

“Of course it is,” Sirius muttered. “But I can’t…er…”

“Why not? Everyone does it. You can’t tell me you’ve never done it before.”

“’Course I have; just not when someone else knows I’m doing it. I can’t do it while you’re listening.”

“You could go to the bathroom, or I could leave the room.”

“But you’d still know I’m doing it.”

“But everyone does it.”

“You don’t,” Sirius pointed out.

Remus laughed loudly. “You think I’ve never…” He continued to chuckle and shake his head.

“You mean you have?” Sirius asked. “You’ve never said.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “Do you know any bloke that advertises it?” he asked. “I don’t do it every day, not like James does, but sometimes…”

Sirius groaned. This conversation wasn’t exactly helping his problem. “Just go to sleep,” he said with a sigh.

Remus sighed too, and settled down to go to sleep. Sirius unfortunately was still awake long into the night, wondering whether he would ever find the courage to tell Remus that he was the focus of his crush.

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A/N: I hope that everyone is having a Happy Christmas, or if you don't celebrate Christmas, then Happy Holidays.