All That You Leave Behind

Hi all! As you may have guessed from the update, Q is back from her holiday, very refreshed! (Thank you Suzie George for asking after me!)

Q: I was really pleased at all the reviews we've had recently - thank you!

Faith and Kalera Ivy - we will gladly add you to the update list if you give us your email addresses!

Faith - Severitus/Severitis is a story where Severus is a mentor/father figure to Harry, rather than a love interest.

Chapter 32 is dedicated to Faith for her lovely review. Sadly, no, we don't have anything published. When we do, believe us we'll let you know!


Chapter 32

"Oh my God, Sev," Harry breathed reverently, "I...I can't believe he's mine! He's so tiny and perfect!"

Harry stood over the crib in the nursery, his eyes still shining with tears. Severus had his arms around Harry and tried to tell himself it was because he was being supportive. It definitely wasn't because he liked the feel of Harry in them - no, of course not. Severus knew that now, with Harry a father, his own feelings would have to be choked down.

So he'd better start fooling himself.

"He is a fine specimen indeed, Harry," Severus replied, his carefully neutral voice concealing the complete turmoil and pain within.

"He's...he's got Ginny's eyes" Harry said, his voice cracking a little.

Severus tightened his grip on Harry and murmured, "It's over, Harry. You must try to forget and move on. For your son's sake."

There was a quiet pause, then Severus spoke again. "You don't want to taint him with this."

Harry didn’t react, so Severus tried a different approach, "You can't let this bad experience control you. And you don't want your son growing up with the shadow of death hanging over him. He didn't die."

Harry nodded. The motion made his body shift a little in Severus arms, and he tightened his grip to hold the younger man more closely.

"I couldn't deal with this without you, Sev," he whispered, one hand stroking along an arm that held him. Severus felt his throat tighten. He wanted Harry, would always want Harry. His new responsibilities made no difference to Severus. Severus wanted to hold Harry forever, never let the other man go to become a father.

"You are stronger than you think, Harry," Severus murmured into the beloved messy mop. "Look at all you've come through. Look at what you've done."

"But it was because you were behind me the whole way, Sev," Harry said, tilting his head up to fix the older man with green eyes which sparkled with unshed tears.

Severus felt desire rush through him, but sternly held himself in check. Only his raspy voice let on how touched he was by Harry’s words. "I would never leave you alone, Harry," Severus croaked, "not after all we've been through together."

"And you'll be here for us? Me and my son? You'll help me guide him, like you guided me?" Harry asked plaintively.

"I'll never leave you alone, Harry," Severus repeated, feeling a twinge of pain. It was Harry's son. Something Severus himself would never have. Harry's child. Proof that - for a brief moment in time at least - Harry had wanted him.

The two men were silent for a while as they watched the tiny baby wave his fists in the air before blowing his breath out in almost a sigh and snuggling back down.

Severus felt agony slice through his heart as Harry leaned forward, pulling free of the embrace and bent low over his son.

"I'm going to give you everything I didn't have, Little One," Harry murmured to his son. "The best life. The best of everything. You'll never be without anything."

"And I'm going to love you with all I am," Harry added, "all the love I never knew."
Severus closed his eyes and listened to Harry's words. He pretended they were him. That Harry was declaring his true feelings at last. He felt tears pricking his eyes, knowing that Harry was oblivious to Severus, oblivious to what he - Severus - had to offer. All the love you have, and don't even know about, Severus thought ruefully, forcing away melancholia with difficulty.

"You're going to hate this, Sev, but I want to name him James," Harry said, stroking his son's cheek.

Severus set his jaw. Harry was right - he did hate it. "You are correct," Severus said, "he is, however, your son. You must name him what you think best."

"I know my father wasn't the hero I thought him to be....but that's sort of it," Harry said, "if I name him James, and teach him kindness, it will sort of redeem that. At least I like to think it will."
He paused before saying quietly, "And, I never...never got to love my father. I'll love my son, and that'll make up for never loving the other James. Kind of."

"And this James will grow up loving you, Sev," Harry added, "Because he'll know the real you, which my father never did." His eyes stayed firmly fixed upon his son as he finished, “And love you as much as I do.”

Severus managed a gruff "Thank you," as he looked at the man he wanted. It took him a few attempts to make his suddenly dry throat work. "You...you know I have deep feelings for you as well, don't you?"

Harry nodded, a smile lighting his face. "I'd have to be blind not to know you love me, Sev..."

Severus felt panic and wild hope rise in his chest.

"...no way would you have put up with me this long if you didn't!"

Severus felt some of the tension leave his body, but was also conscious of a feeling of disappointment. Sadly, Harry would never see that the feelings Severus had for him ran deeper than platonic love. Severus wanted to be Harry's mentor and friend and lover and partner and mate and trusted confidant and ... everything to the other man.

In spite of himself and his longing, Severus squeezed Harry's shoulders and said "Indeed. It seems you shall always be my particular cross to bear.”

"And you'll always be there to remind me of it," Harry laughed softly, his affection for the older man showing in his eyes.

They stared fixedly at each for a long moment, the laughter dying out of Harry's eyes and transmuting into something else. For a long time neither spoke. At last, awkward, Harry broke the silence.

"Lets hope James will be easier on you," he commented lightly, cheeks flaming.

Still blushing, Harry turned at a noise from the doorway.

He stared in surprise at the person standing there, instantly hurrying away from the closeness of Severus' embrace to help the delicate figure, leaving Severus cold and alone. "You should be resting,” he said softly.

Harry slid a solicitous arm around the figure and led the way to the cot.

Severus felt resentment course through him, not at Harry's words, but at the way he looked at the other person. He stood next to the couple, and had never felt more alone. Turning on his heel, outsider again, he left the husband and wife with their child.



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Ahem...

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