Light on the Dark Side of Me

Title: Light on the Dark Side of Me
Author: Cocoa-Snape
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Harry Potter belongs exclusively to JKR…she is a goddess. I am making no money from this.
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Light on the Dark Side of Me
Chapter 33: Happy Birthday, Severus

Severus Snape was not aware of how long precisely he had been sitting at his desk, staring at its left uppermost drawer. Just that it had been too long. He was so preoccupied with his thoughts, that he did not even hear the rustling of the blanket over by the hearth, or see Harry waking.

Unnerved by Severus’s absence, Harry sat up and put on his glasses. The first thing he saw was the grandfather clock in the corner, which told him that he had been asleep for nearly three hours. But the time was the last thing on his mind at the moment. Scanning the room, he noticed Severus dressed in his black silk robe, sitting over by his desk, apparently deep in thought. Harry watched him for a long moment before interrupting.

“Severus, what are you doing?”

“Nothing,” Snape responded quickly. “Thinking,” he added.

“Oh no. That’s not good,” Harry said gravely, with a faintest hint of sarcasm.

Standing up, Snape remained behind his desk, a safe distance from Harry as he spoke. “I’m not an easy man to live with, Harry.”

“Oh, I know.”

“And I’m not very likely to change.”

“I wouldn’t ask you to,” Harry replied seriously, his anxiety heightened at the subject of this conversation. He half expected Severus to ask him to leave at any moment.

Snape quirked his eyebrow slightly at Harry’s words. “And when it comes to…to…this,” Snape said waving a hand between them, as if denoting their uncertain relationship, “I’m not very good at the sorts of things that are required – communication, trust, or compromise.”

“No!? I never would have thought!” Harry replied sarcastically.

Snape leveled a glare of mock anger at Harry. “Concerning what you said before…about staying here,” Snape began hesitantly, “I am very surprised that Albus gave you permission. But I suppose given his love of interfering in my affairs, it only seems fit that he would do so. Nonetheless, there are other…factors which must be considered.”

Harry gulped. He did not like where this was going at all. “Other factors?”

“I would require that you permit me to take full charge of evaluating your academic performance in all of your classes. And I will expect exceptional marks from you.”

Harry had anticipated just that. “Of course.”

“And, most importantly,” Snape began so ominously that Harry eyed him nervously again, “I would demand that you pick up after yourself while you are here and not be the utter slob you were last week.”

Harry grinned from ear to ear, watching the smirk emerge on Severus’s face. “Deal.”

Snape moved from behind his desk and made his way over to the couch. “How frequently do you expect to stay here?” Snape asked as nonchalantly as he could. Oh, but don’t you just sound pathetically desperate, Severus!?

“I suppose as much as possible without it being too suspicious. But I’d definitely like to stay here with you for the next couple of weeks if that’s all right,” Harry replied, thinking about Severus’s nightmares. He was about to ask about them, but Severus spoke first.

“I ordered us some dinner. I’m sure you’re starving.”

“Sounds great.” Harry stood up and began fumbling with his clothes, feeling decidedly awkward standing in the middle of the sitting room naked.

Snape smiled fondly at Harry’s modesty and accioed his green wool bathrobe from his bedroom, handing it to the young man.

“We will need to get you some pajamas. Ones that fit, that is. And perhaps a nice robe.”

As the two tucked into dinner, Harry decided to broach the topic that had been on his mind for the past week since he had left Severus after their confinement. “Severus,” Harry began tentatively, “how have the nightmares been?”

“Somewhat better,” Snape replied vaguely.

Despite his discomfort, Harry pressed on. “I was wondering…about the…the…” Harry paused, silently berating himself for not even being able to say post-traumatic stress disorder aloud in front of Severus. “Well…about the…you know…”

“Your acumen with words never fails to astonish,” Snape drawled with a smirk.

“Sorry. I just wanted you to know that I was the one that asked Professor Dumbledore about it. He would have never told me himself if I hadn’t.”

Snape looked up and met Harry squarely in the eye. “I know, Harry. We talked about it.”

“And?” Harry asked nervously.

“And…I find it distinctly troublesome that you of all people were that discerning.”

“I…uhmm…”

“Don’t misunderstand me,” Snape said, carefully dismissing Harry’s anxiety. “I’m not upset – at least not anymore. Albus explained it to me – including his reasons for not telling me his suspicions about what was going on before he locked us up together.” Snape added, a smirk creeping onto his face, “Apparently he thought if he had, I might have gotten angry or some such nonsense.”

“Hmm, that’s so unlike you,” Harry replied with a grin.

“Indeed.”

“And?”

“And we talked. All week,” Snape said, rolling his eyes meaningfully.

“Really?”

“Yes. He’s making me talk to him about…” Snape stopped. “Well, he’s making me talk. He told me it was either with him or some quack at St. Mungo’s, so I agreed. Sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision,” Snape said not unkindly, with an amused expression on his face.

Relieved that Severus seemed to be handling this fairly well, Harry asked, “So you’re okay with that? Talking to Dumbledore, I mean?”

“You try arguing with the man,” Snape said with an exaggerated huff. “I think my blood sugar is still elevated from all the sweets I ingested this week alone.”

Harry was very curious to know what the two had been speaking about. But he asked simply, “Do you want to talk about?”

“Not particularly, no.” Realizing that he might have sounded a bit harsh, Snape added, “Eventually, perhaps.”

A short pause.

“But I do want to thank you for staying with me, Harry. Although you shouldn’t think even for a moment that I’m letting you off scot-free for deceiving me the way you did about your ‘forced’ confinement with me,” Snape said, the corners of his mouth twitching slightly.

“I didn’t think you would,” Harry replied with a smile. “And, Severus…I was happy to stay.”

***


After the pair finished their dinner, a small cake appeared on the coffee table, lit with a single candle.

“Happy Birthday, Severus,” Harry said happily.

Stunned, Snape replied, “How did you—” and then realized, “Albus!”

“He told me just this morning, so I didn’t have time to get you a gift.”

Snape pulled Harry to him, kissing him gently on the lips. “I’m very happy with what I have.”

“Glad to hear it,” Harry replied. “But…I brought you something.” Harry made his way over to his school bag and retrieved a rather raggedy looking notebook. “It’s my journal since the end of last year. I’m sure that you’ll find the beginning hysterical since it’s about my failed real and not-so-real girlfriends, but I’m giving it to you for the rest of it.”

Snape raised his eyebrows as a question.

“It’s about you, Severus.”

“Is that so?”

“Yeah. Anyway, it’s not much of a birthday gift, but unlike that Potions book I got you for Christmas, this didn’t cost me a knut and I thought you’d like to have it.”

“I am intrigued,” Snape said before attempting to unward the journal. Snape beamed with pride as he realized that Harry had used three different complex security wards (some that used dark magic), all of which he had taught him. “You really protected this, didn’t you?”

“I wasn’t taking any chances.”

After disabling journal’s protective wards, Snape opened it somewhere near the beginning. His eyes widened at the first entry he read, written at the end of the last school year.

.

June 10:

Snape has the sexiest voice ever. Today, he even made Potions ingredients sound hot! And the way he was staring at me in class got me all hard (even though I know it was only because I broke that jar of yarrow root). And I totally have to thank Hermione for pointing out how gorgeous his hands are – it’s all I look at in class anymore.

I can’t stop thinking about what Ron said the other day, about Bill saying that Snape likes men. It can’t possibly be true – I’m not that lucky. But I can dream about it.

I have detention with him tomorrow. What I wouldn’t give to have him push me against the desk, his desk, and have his way with me.

.

Oh Merlin, Severus thought. He had to admit, the idea of Harry on his desk, was quite…stimulating. He felt certain parts of him begin to reawaken at the mental image.

“My my my, Mister Potter! What kind of present have you given me?” Snape asked with a slight twinkle in his eyes. “A collection of your erotic fantasies?”

Harry blushed. Severus held his breath for the briefest of moments, noting that the faint tinges of pink of Harry’s cheeks were positively becoming. He was definitely awake now.

“It’s not all like that,” Harry replied.

Snape continued reading the entry.

.

I can picture it. “I’ve had enough of your insolence, Potter. It’s time I taught you a lesson you’ll not soon forget.” His gaze is menacing as he stalks towards me, robes billowing as they do only for him. He wheels me around suddenly and bends me over his desk, my chest hitting with such force it momentarily knocks the wind out of me. His hand is in between my shoulders, pressing my chest against the rough wood, my face lying there limply. He leans forward and whispers in my ear in that low purr of his, “You need to be punished, Potter. How do you think I should do it, hmm?”

He turns my head slightly so I can see him, and he looks into my eyes as he speaks. He picks up a heavy ruler off his desk and hisses, “Perhaps I shall spank your arse raw. Maybe that will finally teach you to pay attention. Pull down your trousers and underwear.” I hesitate, and he snaps, “Now, Potter, if you know what’s good for you.” I do as he says. As the cold air hits my buttocks, I feel so naked, and I know he is taking me in with his eyes. I feel myself harden at the thought and I hope he doesn’t notice my erection. He does.

“Ah, what’s this?” he murmurs in my ear, “Perhaps I should forego the spanking and attend to your arse personally?” He leans forward, and my eyes widen as I feel him through his robes, so hard, pressing up against me. I try to get up, but his hold is firm, almost painful. His eyes are dark and they seem to eat up my fear.

And then he moves away from view and I hear a rustle of robes behind me and I groan in fear and anticipation of what he is about to do. I can barely breathe and suddenly I feel him, his cock, so hard, so big, position itself in between my arse cheeks, waiting. And I tremble as he breaths against my neck, “Is this what you want? Is this what you’ve been thinking about in my class, you wanton little boy?” He pushes forward slightly and I gasp, “Yes, oh yes.”

.

When Snape looked up, he noticed that Harry looked decidedly nervous.

With a pronounced spike in his respiration, Snape finally said, “That was certainly very…intriguing, Harry.”

Harry smiled. “You liked it?”

“Hmm. I must say, I am looking forward to reading the rest of your journal,” Snape commented with a dark glint in his eye, the idea of exploring Harry’s explicit fantasies suddenly a very appealing one. He forced himself to stop reading the surrounding entries and flipped about a third of the way through the journal.

.

Sept 27:

Last night was unreal. I had a horrible Occlumency lesson that ended with me crying on the floor, and somehow that turned into me kissing Snape and it was amazing (oh my God, his lips were so warm and soft – better than any of my fantasies). He almost killed me for kissing him, but it was worth it. I can’t seem to concentrate anymore – I can’t stop thinking about it. But the strangest thing is that I’m not thinking so much about the kiss. I keep remembering the way his mind touched my mind, so intimately, as he helped me bury that horrible memory. And I can’t forget the way his arms felt around me as he cradled me to his chest, whispering softly in my ear that everything was going to be all right.

I’ve always thought he was cold and cruel. But he was so gentle, so kind and compassionate – it stunned me. And I can’t help but think that I really don’t know him at all. But I know that I want to.

.

Snape looked up at Harry once more, before replying dryly, “You are significantly more articulate in your written word, Harry. More evidence that you should think before you speak.”

Harry pretended to look annoyed.

Snape flipped to the middle of the journal, to a dog-eared page. A heading at the top read: ‘Things I know about you, Severus Snape.’

“What’s this?” Snape asked.

“You told me a long time ago, and repeatedly since then,” Harry said, rolling his eyes, “that I did not know you. And since that day I’ve been making a list in my journal.”

“Is this an academic endeavor?” Snape asked in amusement.

“Well it started out that way, but even the list turned into my ramblings.”

Aware that Severus was about to begin reading, Harry put his hand on top of his and said somewhat nervously, “You should know…it’s not all flattering, Severus.”

“I wouldn’t expect it to be, unless you were writing fiction,” Snape remarked evenly and set his eyes to the first item on the list, his eyebrows raising slightly as he realized Harry wasn’t kidding.

.

Oct 11:

You are a major league arsehole. I can’t believe I was stupid enough to believe you were capable of kindness. You are unbelievably cruel.

And yet…there is something behind your cruelness – I can’t help but think it’s shame. Is this all because I tried to pull up your sleeve? Is that why you ended it? That sounds almost silly.

You insist that I don’t know you – but how can I when you push me away? Sometimes I hate you.

You said that what happened between us was a mistake. Maybe. But then it’s the best mistake I’ve ever made.

.

Snape flipped forward a few pages and felt a lump form in his throat when he realized the subject of Harry’s next few entries, his rape.

.

Nov 2:

You hate me because of what I saw in my nightmare. I don’t blame you. I wish I hadn’t seen it either. I don’t think I’ll ever forget all that blood. I know I won’t ever forget your face when you realized I knew.

.

Nov 4:

You are in pain – terrible, terrible pain. I can’t even imagine. And I HATE it that I can do nothing for you.

You pretend that everything is fine – that you’ve somehow put this behind you. Who are you trying to convince?

I wish every minute of every day that you would let me in, confide in me. And I hate myself for having the delusion that I could do anything for you if you did. But I don’t think I can stand to watch you suffer from afar. When I think about what you’ve gone through, what happened…

.

Snape stopped reading and abruptly flipped forward a few pages. He was not ready to read this and certainly not from Harry’s point of view.

Sensing Severus’s discomfort, Harry spoke, “Severus, I…”

“It’s alright, Harry.” Snape looked the concerned boy in the eyes and urged, “Really.” He returned his attention back to the journal.

.

Nov 23:

You cancelled our lesson to get drunk?! If I wasn’t so confused I’d be scared out of my mind.

.

Snape’s eyes widened slightly at Harry’s knowledge of events and he flipped forward a few pages.

.

Dec 12:

You refuse to teach me because you can’t stand to be around me anymore. I’m not sure why. Do you hate me? Is it too much to hope that it is the opposite? I think so.

You’ve barely said a word to me in the last 3 weeks. And last night I heard you screaming in your bedroom. It was a horrible sound and when I moved closer, I heard you throwing up. You’d probably kill me if you knew that I was listening. I guess you were too drunk (again!) to remember your silencing charm.

I feel so helpless that sometimes I wonder if you are right. Perhaps I should just leave you alone. Although given how close we’ve been lately, I’m not sure that would be very much of a change at all.

.

“You know,” Snape began seriously, but with a sparkle of humor in those dark eyes, “we are going to have to have a serious conversation about you spying on me.”

“Sorry,” Harry replied sheepishly.

Opening to a later page, Snape continued reading all too aware that the date listed was a couple of days after that horrible night, the night he had shown Harry those horrible memories of him and the Dark Lord together.

.

Dec 22:

This one is very hard to write.

Despite my relief, I am angry with you for what you did. Angry that you showed me those memories. Angry that you told me they were real. Angry that you acted as though you were going to rape me afterwards. There…I wrote it.

But I wanted to know. I did beg you to show me. And you were right. I knew nothing. Nothing at all.

And now I know. Was it the memories you wanted me to see, or was it something else? Were you trying to prove to me that you had a dark side?

I’ve been watching my memories of that night in the Pensieve. Another one of Dumbledore’s ‘suggestions.’ In addition to explaining to me why you did this, he’s having me watch what happened over and over again – not it, not that memory. He wants me to study you…your eyes. “Watch his eyes, Harry. They’ll tell you the truth Severus is keeping from you.”

It is difficult to see through all your rage, but he’s right, your eyes betray you, if only a bit. I didn’t see it at first, but Dumbledore was careful to point it out to me. A small hint of pain, a good degree of self-loathing. Hatred, not at me, but for what you are doing. Contempt…for yourself.

I know you would be mad if you knew he was watching these things with me. You’d think that he watches you lose control with anger, disgust, and perhaps pity. You’d think he is judging you. But you would be wrong. I see his face as he studies yours. He is barely holding back tears. He loves you.

I’m not sure what to feel anymore – but I know I care…too much. And that has to mean something.

And here I am, rambling on. This is supposed to be a list, not a journal, Potter, you would say. Your adolescent musings are of no interest to me. Perhaps.

.

Snape was stunned by Harry’s matter of fact tone in the entry, confronted once again with a maturity of mind that he had never thought Harry had. With renewed feelings of guilt for putting Harry through of all of that pain, Snape skipped forward several entries, and continued his reading.

.

Dec 30:

This morning I am so glad that we made and took that anti-aphrodisiac. I would trade every erection from now on if it meant you’d let me stay with you like you did last night. Well, maybe I’m overstating that a bit, but you get the point. I can’t stop thinking about holding you in my arms – the way your trembling stilled against me, the way your breathing slowed as I felt you slip back into sleep.

It is in those moments that I can almost believe that you love me. Almost.

.

Snape realized he was holding his breath, overwhelmed at the depth of emotions Harry had been working through during their stay together. He continued reading.

.

Dec 31:

You are a mess of contradictions, Severus.

You are the bravest man I’ve ever known, yet you are afraid to let me in.

You throw insane hurtful things at me – and why? Because you don’t want to hurt me; because you want to protect me.

You think you are a monster. You don’t know that you couldn’t be any more wrong.

You are capable of such emotional complexity yet you can’t accept the fact that I love you. Still. Always. I promise that one day you will know it – more than know it. One day, you will feel the truth of my words.

.

Jan 1:

You asked me a series of questions once. I wrote them down after watching you ask them countless times in the Pensieve. I am sure you remember your words: ‘Would you still find my eyes so striking if you knew the truth about all the horrors that they have witnessed? And how would you feel about my hands touching your body if you even suspected what unconscionable acts of brutality they have committed? And my voice, which you seem to think is so sensuous, would you still permit me to whisper in your ear if you knew how many unforgivably dark curses it has uttered?’

And now that our confinement has ended, I am ready to give you my answer.

I may not know everything about what you’ve done in the past – or even close to it – but I know enough. Enough about who you are now. Because I’ve seen your eyes, once so cold, burn. Burn for me, burn with desire as you touched me. I’d do anything to see that again. And I’ve felt your hands gently hold me and yes, give me incredible pleasure. And your voice – oh, I’ve heard it utter dark curses at me. But I’ve also heard it speak devastating kindnesses in my ear, comforting me in ways I cannot even describe.

And now, I’ve also heard it speak in utter dejection, betraying, along with your vulnerable eyes and trembling hands, how lost and helpless you felt that night you returned from him – how helpless you continue to feel at not being able to put that horror behind you.

And although a part of me once wanted to curse you for showing me all of this the way that you did – that part is long gone. Now, all I want is to hold you and whisper soothing reassurances in your ear, as you once did for me. The answer to another of your questions, Severus, is yes. I still want to know you. More than anything.

.

It took a long moment for Snape to regain his powers of speech. When he did, his voice was slightly hoarse as he spoke. “This is…incredible, Harry. I don’t know what to say. I…thank you,” Snape said, clutching the journal to his chest.

Snape was all too aware that Harry had given him something quite astounding – a complete sharing of his thoughts and feelings over the past few months. And such a sharing was something Snape would have, and still found very difficult to give to another.

So for him, there could be no greater gift. Because this was so much more then well-meaning words on a page. This was a signature, a testament of Harry’s unshakable love for him. It was almost too much to take in. And just a few short days ago, it would have been too much to accept. But no longer. Because however foreign the idea still was to him, Snape truly believed that Harry loved him. More than that – he felt it.

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A/N: Once again, thanks for your comments. This chapter is set after the first week of classes, which of course would be snape's b-day...Jan 9th.

One chapter left, and I assure you....you don’t want to miss it!

I hope you enjoyed this brief look back at events through Harry’s eyes and his growth into adulthood in this story. Now it’s Snape’s turn to do some sharing don’t you think? :)

Comments please................