Love, Lies & Loneliness

Chapter 33
(Godric\'s Hollow)

Harry only just heard the crack of someone apperating above the howl of the wind rushing around him. Peeking out from between his shivering hands Harry glanced down off the porch into the garden. A black robed figure slowly came out of the shadows and began walking up the beaten path of the garden. For a moment Harry stiffened in fear expecting a death eater but as the figure stepped up onto the porch the boy recognised the familiar face beneath the hood of the cloak.

Snape.

It certainly wasn’t whom he’d expected. Harry had been taking comfort for the past four hours with Draco’s weak presence in his mind and knew his friend hadn’t betrayed his trust. Harry had half expected Sirius to be the one to find him or Dumbledore, the headmaster having an uncanny ability to know where Harry was all the time. Still despite it being the last person he wanted to see it was still reassuring that at least he wasn’t completely lost.

“Harry, put this on, your lips are blue.” There was no warm greeting or hurried apology from Snape who untucked the spare cloak from his own robes and handed it over to the boy. Not that Harry had expected anything of the sort, Snape was after all Slytherin, and wouldn’t do anything so human as apologize. Despite himself Harry quickly pulled on the cloak and wrapped it tightly about him before retreating back into the corner of the love swing. The cloak was warm and smelt of Snape, which only served to compound the desperate ache in his heart. “Can we go inside, I’m sure it’s warmer in there.” Snape gestured to the door of the house but watched as Harry shook his head and cuddled further into the corner of the seat.

“No.” It was a simple reply and Snape sighed inwardly to himself. Despite appearances Harry was very much his father’s son, with a stubborn streak a mile wide. With there little chance of moving Harry, Snape shifted around the small swing seat and pushed what was left of the broken shutters closed around the porch blocking out most of the wind before gesturing to the spare seat next to Harry on the swing.

“Do you mind if I sit?” Snape rose an eyebrow in surprise as Harry glared at him from beneath his hands.

“Yes.” Harry growled out his negative reply from between his chattering teeth and Snape sighed again at the boy’s stubbornness, causing Harry to glare at him even more. There was no way Harry wanted to be sitting anywhere near Snape and so was almost relieved as he watched the professor flicking his wand at a small milk stool, turning it into a slightly bigger chair with a red fluffy cushion atop of it for comfort. Pulling up the chair he’d conjured Snape sat down directly opposite Harry making the boy squirm in discomfort. Harry didn’t give Snape the satisfaction of looking at him and buried his head further in the warm coat.

“I’m surprised I found you in one piece, involuntary apparition hasn’t the best success rate.” Harry watched sneakily from between the parting of his robe as the professor tried and failed to recline comfortably in the chair he’d created. In a way Harry was pleased that the man was to be just as uncomfortable as Harry felt. “The last young witch who it happened to was found in pieces over six different streets. But then I shouldn’t be surprised at you coming out of it unscathed, after all you are Harry Potter.” The last remark held some bitter sarcasm and Harry tightened his fists around his cloak and clenched his teeth in anger.

“Go away.” Harry muttered from beneath his cloak causing the professor to huff a half amused laugh in reply.

“Not very original Harry, I’d expected at least a little foul language but it seems you’ve reverted to your usual limited vocabulary use, and single syllable sentences.” Again Harry tightened his fists around the cloak but didn’t rise to Snape’s sarcasm. After five years of being constantly on the receiving end of the professors sharp tongue the boy had learned to silence his retaliations. There was a pregnant pause between them, the wind rattling the shutters around the porch. What little moonlight shone through the clouds only seemed to make the darkness even gloomier. “Do you know where you are?” Snape finally broke the silence as he realised that baiting the young man would not get the desired response he needed. Harry shook his head in reply not bothering with words, which only irritated the professor further. This time though Snape held his tongue and with a small calming breath continued. “This place is Godric’s Hollow.” Harry looked up slightly from his coat having heard the name someplace before. Snape didn’t miss the boy’s interest but made not to acknowledge it as he continued. “It was your parents house. You were born here, in the bedroom upstairs at a quarter past nine on July the 31st.” Harry desperately wanted to ask how Snape knew this but wasn’t going to give the professor the satisfaction of drawing him into conversation, so remained silent. “James brought the place when he found out about you and the prophecy. It was meant to keep you safe and it probably would have done if that fool Peter Pettigrew hadn’t been so easily broken.” Harry raised his head a little from his cloak as he watched Snape run a reverent hand down the cracked wooden panels of the porch wall. “I remember having to pry you from Lilly’s arms after the attack, the others would have tried to finish you off if I hadn’t slipped away. I was sure Dumbledore would have killed me where I stood had I not had you in my arms when I arrived in his office that night” This time Harry couldn’t stand it any longer the burning questions inside of him begging to be asked despite how empty he felt inside.

“Why?” Harry cursed himself inwardly at sounding so weak but watched as Snape looked slowly towards him a ghost of a smile lost in the weary expression on his face.

“I had a sister named Isabella. She was quite a bit older than me, and with my parents too wrapped up in their own lives to care about their children, she tended to look after me. She was one of Voldomort’s first victims at the height of his first reign of power, up until then Voldomort had been content with killing mud-bloods and muggles but Isabella was his first pureblood victim. She worked for the Ministry in what back then was the research division. She was studying the history of the Dark Arts and unfortunately came across too much information about the way in which Voldomort was recruiting his followers. The ministry was attacked and she didn’t really stand a chance.” Harry watched as Snape paused as his gaze turned to a far away look, as he brought up the memories. Respectfully Harry remained silent knowing the pain of losing someone so well. Finally with a deep sigh Snape turned his attention back to Harry who had uncurled himself somewhat intent on hearing the answers he’d been searching for the past week. “That’s how I became interested in the dark arts. I wanted to kill Voldomort for taking away my sister and the only way I thought I could do it was through the same magic he was using.”

“What about my mum?” Harry queried again this time a little more confidently as he began to realise why Snape was so wrapped up in the dark arts.

“Ah Lilly.” Snape paused and sighed again causing Harry to wonder if he’d pushed a little too hard. Snape continued though much to Harry’s silent relief. “Despite what your godfather and his friends would have you believe I wasn’t an overly bright student at school. I was naturally gifted at Potions but with an alchemist as a father that’s hardly surprising. Admittedly I did have my head in a book most of the time but as I’ve just explained to you I was avidly studying dark arts, a subject not formerly sanctioned by Hogwarts or its Headmaster. While I managed to scrape through most of my classes with passing grades, I was failing miserably at Transfiguration, which as you know is a core subject for all school grades. With no friends with which to help me study my professor enlisted the help of Lilly Evans in an attempt at bringing up my grades.” Again Snape paused allowing Harry a little time to digest everything that had just been said. When Harry nodded in silent understanding Snape continued, having folded is cold hands into the folds of his robes. “At the time I wasn’t aware that your father was courting her and merely accepted her kindness in tutoring me twice a week in the library. We became close friends after a while and I confided in her about my sister and what I was studying. Naturally with Voldomort becoming more active around this time her interest in the subject mirrored my own and we began spending more time together. With house rivalries as they are and with my reputation around school as a nerdy loner, it was hardly surprising that your father and his friends would take offence at my friendship with Lilly.”

“So that’s why they hated you, cause you were friends with my mother?” Harry had dropped his knees now and was sitting properly on the swing seat his hands still wrapped tightly in the cloak as a barrier against the cold drafts whipping around his body.

“Essentially yes. I posed a threat to James’ potential girlfriend aside from all the other things that made me not so popular such as being in Slytherin, my parent’s wealth, my appearance, my interest in the dark arts and my uncanny ability to top Potions classes where everyone else was barely passing. It’s pure stupidity really that they teased me for being queer while at the same time still insisting that I was trying to steal Lilly from James.” Harry frowned a little concerned that his father had been so shallow as to judge someone on such characteristics. Still he’d had enough arguments over his father’s actions in school with Snape so let his concern fall silent in favour of asking another of his burning questions.

“So what has this got to do with the prophecy and the potion?” Harry again hoped he hadn’t pushed Snape beyond what he was willing to discuss but relaxed when Snape nodded as he mulled momentarily over the question asked of him.

“Your mother was a very intelligent woman and she began researching the subjects my sister had been studying at the Ministry. There were entire weekends she and I spent sitting opposite one another in the library lost in piles of books, endlessly searching for that tiniest bit of information that would bring Voldomort to his knees.” Again Snape paused a wistful smile gracing his lips as he once again lost himself in his memories. “I don’t know how we came across it but we found a book on magical power in some dark little corner of the Slytherin common room. I remember reading it to myself and I immediately knew that it was the book that was going to solve our problems. It described almost word for word the way in which Voldomort recruited his followers, using their weakest magical time during Transition to influence them towards his side. It was like reading an instruction manual for creating power.” Snape sighed and rubbed his nose having flicked a stray strand of hair from his face where the ribbon had come loose in the wind allowing strands of black hair to cascade about his face.

“What did you do?” Harry now sat on the edge of the swing, his feet idly moving back and forth in the draft as he leaned his head against the rusted chain, which held the seat in place.

“Well we went about testing some of the books theories. What we discovered was that during Transition and wizard or witches’ magic is turbulent and uncontrollable, and that an outside source can be used as a point to which a person can refocus their magic too. What Voldomort was doing was recruiting his followers during their Transition by making himself the point to which the people were refocusing their magic too. Usually a wizard’s magic will naturally seek out the anchor point on which to refocus on, and it’s usually a family member or a loved one that they choose, which doesn’t lead them into danger but Voldomort was using their time of weakness to distort their own natural selections towards him.” This time Snape stopped as he saw the blank gaze Harry was staring at him with. The boy had not caught two words together of what Snape was explaining and the professor sighed and took a small breath as he reminded himself whom he was talking to.

“Huh?” Snape smiled and shook his head at Harry’s small squeak of utter confusion.

“It’s difficult to understand so I won’t bore you with the specifics now. All you need to know was that the solution to killing Voldomort lay in his Transition. If we could return Voldomort to the stage of his Transition it would cause an upset in his own magical power, shift his focus and thus render him powerless long enough for someone kill him.” Harry this time looked a little more with it but Snape paused again to make sure Harry had fully caught on to what the plan had been designed around.

“Right, so that’s what the potion did was kind of induce ‘Transition’ again.” Harry looked hopefully up at Snape who shook his head slightly.

“Sort of. The original plan was for me to design a potion that would induce the same effects upon a person as what happened during a wizards ‘transition’. However that was before we knew anything about Voldomort, except what speculation was flying about. It was also before I was approached by Lucius in my seventh year to become a death eater.” Snape trailed off quietly and Harry knew this was the part he’d seen in Snape’s memories that had caused so much pain in the other man. Harry’s heart still bled in pain from Snape’s cruel words at the party but he still felt sympathy too as he remembered the images he’d seen the night in the great hall. “I was young and stupid, and had I known what my life would be like I might not have agreed but I did. I knew the only way to ensure the potion worked was to get the truth about Voldomort and there was only one way to do that, and that was to enter into his inner circle of followers. Lucius provided me with this opportunity and I took it, and I’ve regretted that decision from the very moment he branded my arm.” Harry looked sadly down at his feet as Snape closed his eyes and turned his face into the shoulder of his cloak obviously trying and failing to hide his own personal torment from the boy in front of him.

“What about the prophecy?” Harry didn’t want to interrupt the man’s pain but when he was so close to finding out the entire truth he couldn’t bare thinking that the man might stop now. It took a moment for Snape to compose himself and with a shaky breath continued as if nothing had upset him.

“The prophecy came after we left school. James and Lilly were married in the fall two years after we graduated, and shortly thereafter she became pregnant with you. It’s customary when a witch finds out she’s pregnant to visit a ‘seer’ to hear a prophecy on the child’s future. Lilly naturally followed traditions and that’s when it came out about you being the one who would put an end to Voldomort’s power.” Snape worried the corner of his lip with his teeth and Harry hid his smile at finding the habit rather endearing. “She came to me straight afterwards. I was already deep within Voldomort’s inner circle and was spending every waking hour working on the potion. We always assumed it would be me who would administer the potion but there was always that lingering doubt in my mind I wouldn’t be strong enough to use Voldomort’s own power against him. That problem was partially solved by you and the prophecy. As much as the information she brought me comforted me it also would prove to be my one weakness.” This time Snape didn’t try to hide the tears that rolled down his cheeks as he tucked his head against his chest and stared sadly at his feet. “I didn’t know at the time that Voldomort was capable of occlumency, and while he’d chosen not to read my mind up until that point, it was a simple mistake that cost me my trust. At a death eater meeting a few days after I slipped up in creating a potion for the Dark Lord and he punished me. Under Cruiatious he opened my mind in an attempt at torturing me with my own painful memories of childhood and instead found out about the prophecy.” Suddenly Harry realised why Snape had been so pedantic at teaching him Occlumency over the years and he instantly regretted not having taken the subject so serious.

“That’s why he targeted my parents wasn’t it?” Harry felt tears in his own eyes as he watched Snape nod slowly little droplets of tears falling from his chin onto his immaculate robe.

“Yes, if I hadn’t been so naive I might have prevented him ever knowing about the prophecy but as it is, it was the reason he turned his attention to Lilly and James. His plan was to kill you before you were old enough to defend yourself.” Snape tried desperately to compose himself but failed and Harry couldn’t help himself as he slid from the chair to the floor and kneeled at Snape’s feet so that he rested against the other man’s legs in silent comfort.

“I gave him a rude shock then didn’t I?” Harry sniffled and pressed closer into Snape’s legs smiling slightly as he felt the elder wizard’s hands come to rest slightly on the top of his head.

“Yes you were just like James even then, stubborn to the core.” Harry was sure that Snape had crudely wiped his tears from his cheeks with his own hand before that hand came down to join the other that was gently stroking a few stray locks of hair on the top of Harry’s head. “After it had happened, I told Lilly to tell James and the Auror’s about the prophecy in the hopes they’d be able to help keep them safe. I was useless to help, I couldn’t be seen as a traitor and until such time as I taught myself Occlumency I couldn’t know what Lilly was doing to protect herself. It might have worked this house, if James hadn’t trusted Peter Pettigrew to be their secret keeper, but the past is gone and we can’t change it.” Harry wrapped his arms tightly about the professor’s legs and snuggled into the warmth of the cloak. “Lilly sent me an owl the night you were born, all the note said was your full name and the time you were born. I sent a reply with the owl with my promise to keep you safe. The next thing I knew I’d been summoned and then he attacked. I wanted to warn them but it was too late by the time Voldomort reached the house. I trailed him upstairs and watched as he killed James and then turned his wand on Lilly. I might have stopped him if I hadn’t been so powerless but by the time I’d lifted my own wand in an attempt to save Lilly it was too late. She fell with you in her arms and before I knew it I was flat on my back staring up at the ceiling as Voldomort cursed you then began to disintegrate right in front of my eyes.” Harry could feel Snape shaking as he relived the night in his memories and the boy desperately tried to calm him by holding him tighter despite his own tears. “I can remember waking up and hearing you crying, I could hear the auror’s down stairs beating back the death eaters, and someone trying to come up the stairs. I was so afraid that they’d finish you off, so I picked you up tucked you into my cloak and apperated to the only place I knew I could go that might be safe.”

“Dumbledore.” Harry spoke softly and looked up to watch as Snape nodded in silence.

“Yes, when I walked into his office I was sure I was dead the wizards wand aimed straight at my chest, but then you cried and he came and took you from my arms. Lilly and I had kept all our research a secret up until then, and with Voldomort seemingly gone, and Lilly and James dead I had little choice but to tell the man what we’d been up to. He sympathised with me and it was only when the Auror’s came to accuse me of being a death eater that he defended me and offered me a position as a member of the staff at Hogwarts. That’s how I came to be a spy when Voldomort rose again, in exchange for his silence on my continued work on the potion in the school labs, I would report back to the order about what Voldomort was up to.” Snape finally seemed to compose himself and Harry shuffled around so that he could lay his head down on Snape’s knee and look up at the wizard. “When you finally came to Hogwarts I was given specific instructions to keep an eye on you, and when it was confirmed Voldomort was back after your little stunt in first year I took up my double life again. I used the time to get to know your magic and adapted the potion accordingly. For it work it had to be completely attuned to both you and Voldomort’s strengths and weaknesses that’s why when your transition came along I took every opportunity at assessing how the stage affected you, knowing that you shared so many similarities with Voldomort’s own life.” Snape brushed a stray hair from Harry’s forehead and straightened the boy’s glasses a little.

“Why didn’t you just tell me all this, it would have made things easier to understand these past five years?” Harry looked slightly miffed at being kept in the dark and Snape chuckled a little and shook his head in amusement.

“You shouldn’t mess with fate Harry. You were destined to find this out by yourself and it would only have made sense to you when the time was right.” Snape looked genuinely apologetic down at Harry who sighed as the reality of the situation finally settled into place.

“That’s why Dumbledore insisted I learn occlumency, it didn’t have anything to do with those visions did it?” Snape shook his head in reply.

“It did, cause it served to teach you to block Voldomort out of your mind which would be necessary for you to administer the potion when the time came, but ultimately the occlumency lessons were there to teach you to break me, and thus find out about the plan. Who knew it would happen during your own transition.” Harry smiled weakly up at Snape who for a moment stretched having become stiff with sitting in one position so long. “So do you understand now Harry?” Snape made to stand up from the chair and Harry obligingly let him do so, having stood up himself. The temperature had fallen considerably and now their warm breath was forming into little clouds of fog.

“Yes. The potion you created was designed to make Voldomort experience Transition again, so that I could use his unbalanced magic to turn against him and kill him, when he was at his weakest, am I right?” This time Snape smiled genuinely happy and nodded as he wrapped an arm around Harry’s shoulder. Harry tensed at the touch still conscious of the fact he and Snape still hadn’t discussed what had happened at the party. Snape felt the flinch acutely and instantly dropped his arm.

“I’m glad you understand Harry, and I know there are other things we need to discuss but now isn’t the time. I have to get you back home, cause no doubt your godfather’s climbing the walls calling for my head and balls on a platter no doubt.” Harry huffed a laugh as Snape looked coyly across at his charge. “Come on, hold my waist we can’t risk letting you apperate yourself yet, until you’ve had some formal training.” Reluctantly Harry took hold of Snape’s waist inwardly his heart cried at being denied his love. With a loud crack they were gone and within moments his feet were back on the ground outside the door of number 12 Grimmauld Place. Letting go of Snape’s waist Harry ran inside without waiting for the other man. Harry took a few seconds to look for Sirius in the lounge before he launched himself into his godfather’s arms and hugged him tightly.

“Harry where the hell have you been!” Sirius was overjoyed at having Harry in his arms and hugged him tightly in return. Snape paused in the doorway to the lounge room long enough to see Harry safe before moving back out of the house. He had to go and see Draco and he was sure that when Harry had had time to process everything he’d said the boy would get back to him. With his heart a little lighter Snape apperated away back to Hogwarts, leaving Harry and his Godfather to their own devices.

TBC>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>