A Wizard's Debt

No actual bananas were harmed in the making of this chapter.





Hermione



Severus and I were busily sat on our lounge floor, trying to calculate a seating plan the day before the wedding.



“Hermione! It’s an emergency!” George said, running in from the floo.



“What’s happened?” I said, standing and mentally rehearsing various healing charms.



“The shop just got a delivery and we have no idea how they work…” he said, handing me a little foil packet.



“Who’s we?” I think I might emigrate somewhere very quickly…



“Me, Bill, Charlie, Percy, Ron, Dad, Neville, Ginny. Harry’s too busy laughing his arse off to help us.” A foot cubed cardboard box suddenly appeared, full to bursting with foil packets.



“What are these?” Severus asked, picking one up and squeezing it between finger and thumb.



“I thought you grew up in the muggle world?” I asked, looking at my husband to be.



“Yes, a muggle world I left at seventeen. And when I was in the muggle world I didn’t move far from home, it wasn’t worth a beating.” He shrugged, picking up another packet, “Strawberry flavoured? I thought contraceptive potions were banned, but it doesn’t feel liquid.”



“Severus, do you have the pregnancy vitamin potion brewed?” Lucius asked, stepping through the floo.



“Yes, its on the desk in my lab… glow in the dark?”



“It glows in the dark? Is a pregnancy potion supposed to glow?” Lucius asked, looking into the box. “What in Merlin’s name are these? Oh, their edible! This one is mint flavoured. A confectionary product for your shop?”



“What’s going on? Here?” Oliver said, also walking through the floo, Draco close behind. “Oh, I’m making a run for it.” He said, laughing and making a dash out of the room on noticing the box and the crowd of males looking at me expectantly; he was chased down by Draco and dragged back.



“Hey! Draco, go drag Harry in here, he’s laid in the Great Hall wetting himself laughing.” George said, Harry arrived within two minutes, barely breathing.



“Severus, leave the seating plan for a while, I’m commandeering your lab for a quick sex education lesson, Muggle style.” I cringed, a line of men following me as I carried the box through to the next room.



“Can somebody get me a banana, please?”



***

“We’re going to have to share the banana, we’ve run out apparently, and the house elves can’t get any more because they’re preparing for the wedding.” I began, knowing it was going to go downhill from there. Harry and Oliver sat to one side giggling like girls.



“Pay attention gentlemen, and lady…” I began, staring at the two with giggleitis, they shut up, but didn’t wipe the smirks away.



“Right, first, you require an erect penis…” I picked up the fruit.



“That’s a banana, Musa balbisiana.” Neville said.



“It’s a substitute for an erect penis, I don’t actually have one of those to hand…” I began.



“But it would be if you had one at hand, erect, I mean.” George said, grinning.



“Well…” I began.



“That’s an insult.” Lucius said, picking up the banana and sneering.



“All the cucumbers are being used in the salad for tomorrow.” Severus chuckled.



“A member of the Cucurbitaceae family.” Neville said helpfully.



“What’s the point you being here, Lucius, your wife is pregnant.” Severus said.



“Oh! Congratulations!” Arthur said, smiling and moving to shake hands.



“BOYS! And girl, can we get back to this?” I said, confiscating the banana from Lucius. “Right, we have an erect penis, or in this case, a banana.” I said, putting down the fruit to pick up the packet.



“It’s not erect now. It’s on the table.” Ron said, scratching his head.



I. Will. Not. Turn. The. Banana. Into. A. Lethal. Weapon.

I. Will. Not. Turn. The. Banana. Into. A. Lethal. Weapon.

I. Will. Not. Turn. The. Banana. Into. A. Lethal. Weapon.



“Imagine past the banana, imagine that it is your own erect penis and isn’t lying on the table.” I said.



“I don’t have one.” Ginny said, looking confused.



“Yes, you do – he’s sat over there wetting himself laughing.” I said, pointing at Harry; “Now, take the packet and push the contents to one side, like so.” So far so good.



“Won’t they squidge out of the side?” George asked.



“No, they’re sealed. Now, carefully rip one side open – not the side you just moved it to.” I said, demonstrating.



“Why not? Surely it would be easier to get to.” Charlie pointed out.



“Its very thin, you don’t want to rip it.” I said, wishing I drank so I could indulge in something containing a large quantity of alcohol.



“What does this have to do with the banana?” Neville asked.



“Its not a banana, remember its an erect penis.” Ron hissed.



“Take the condom from the packet.” Voila, I held up a bright green thing that was apparently lime flavoured.



“It says its lime flavoured, can you eat them?” Draco asked, looking puzzled.



“Erm, you could lick the flavoured lubricant off, but not consume the actual product.” I said.



“How’s that going to prevent babies being conceived? Does the lubricant act as a contraceptive potion? Should you just lick one each before sex?” Bill asked, looking thoughtful.



“No… you can lick of the lubricant once it is on the penis.”



“Banana.” George said, grinning.



“Why would I want to do that?” Percy asked, shocked.



“Its quite fun…” Draco began, but shut up quickly after a look from Lucius.



“Can you lick yourself?” Neville asked, “Or do you lick the banana?”



“Right, now it is out of the packet, work out which is the inside and outside by rolling it down a little bit.” I demonstrated.



“Ah! Fascinating!” Arthur said, making notes on a piece of parchment.



“Why?” Draco asked, looking baffled.



“Because otherwise they don’t go on easily… which brings us onto the next steps, grip the teat at the end and squeeze to get the air out; it creates a vacuum…”



“Oh! A muggle cleaning implement!” Arthur said, looking excited, Harry had to leave the room at this point, mainly because he was struggling to breathe.



“Anyway… using the other hand, can someone hold the banana for me?” Severus held the banana horizontally, “Upright, please.” I prompted, “Now, still squeezing the top, roll it down over the erect penis until it is as far as it will go, make sure not to tear it with sharp nails.”



I took the banana back from Severus, “And there. Ready to go.”



“So, you’re saying that you need three hands to put one of those things on?” Ron asked.



“No, because you’ll have an erection, not a banana, and it won’t need holding up.” I said, wondering why I bother sometimes.



“Once you have ejaculated, remove the condom from the base and throw away.” I said, managing to demonstrate one handed.



“What! You throw them away! You can’t rinse them out and use them again?” George asked.



“No. It is unhygienic and very bad practice.”



“I’d best bring the price down if they’re one use only.” He said.



“Now, grab a condom from the box, and you can each take turns putting it on the banana.”



***



Lucius put his manicured fingernails through three before he managed it. Draco was too interested in the different flavours and I took the banana off him before he swallowed it. Arthur ripped six before he got them out of the packet; tried to put two on inside out and almost had a fit at the one that glowed in the dark when someone turned the lights out.



Neville surprisingly got his banana sheathed first time, and then asked where he put the banana during sex. Ron made an utter mess of opening the packet and dropped it on the floor before putting it on the banana.



Charlie asked if they made them big enough for dragons, as there was a bit of a population boom at the moment and not enough habitat. Bill had no trouble, apart from the latex allergy and the large rash on his hands (soon sorted by Poppy).



Ginny was fine putting the condom on the banana, but looked horrified when I reminded her Harry wasn’t a banana, and would in fact have an erect penis. I guess Harry, in all his giggling wisdom is going to be handling their contraception.



Percy’s unrolled it too far determining the right side, and attempted to pull it onto the banana like you would put on a sock, putting his thumb through it and dropping the banana on the floor. His second attempt was much better, but the banana was in two pieces.



Severus was last around the desk, the banana was a lost cause after Percy’s accident with it, so he contented himself trying to analyse the lubricant on the glow in the dark one.



All in all, I think it went rather well…