The Echoes Of Yesterday

The Echoes Of Yesterday…by Samayel

Chapter 30: Where You Belong


‘That right bastard! Prewett! If it’s the last thing I do…I’ll get him for this! I can’t believe he..’

He’d left them alone.

With nothing but tea.

The man had doled out tea until the small pot was empty, and then excused himself to make more with the same perfect calm as before, but Harry had seen the glimmer of amusement in the man’s eyes as he’d turned to leave. John was no one’s fool, and he’d bloody well known how uncomfortable this would be!

Draco was sipping his tea periodically, eyes glued to the table, patently unsure of what to say and unwilling to risk doing anything that might motivate Harry to leave. One spoken word from either of them would annihilate the weird stalemate going on, and neither of them were entirely up to a lengthy conversation at the moment.

‘Bugger. I look like an ass! Grown man…struck dumb as an ox because he can’t deal with this shite! BUGGER!

“Good tea.” ‘Yeah. That was much better. Jesus, I can do better than this! Note to self…make John pay for this someday…in spades.’

But the silence was already broken, and Draco choked out a couple of nervous words before Harry could start again.

“I’m sorry…I…”

“No. Don’t.” Draco paused, lips pursed with irritation and general frustration. Harry quickly continued before this entire situation could slide out of control.

“You have nothing to apologize for. Quite the opposite, actually. I’m not saying your judgment was flawless, but I’m stating for the record that I had no business behaving that way around you or anyone else. You have my apologies, and I mean that. If I’d had any kind of grip on my emotions at all, none of that ever would have happened. So…I don’t want to hear any apologies from you. Understood?”

“But…but…I made you…remember things. I made you sick…”

“NO! Get this through your head now.” Harry’s temper flared for the first time since he’d awakened. This wasn’t at all how he imagined having this conversation, and in fact, he’d tried to avoid imagining it at all, but he was in no mood for leaving Draco with the wrong impression about the current state of affairs.

“You did not make me sick. You didn’t make me remember anything. I’ve always remembered, and I’ve run away from it all for a very long time. You made me stop running. I’m grateful. If I’d faced any of the things I should have faced years ago, you couldn’t have provoked me. I’ve been nursing the same old wounds for much too long and frankly I feel like I’m waking up after a long, bad dream. I’m not sorry that any of this happened…not anymore. I’m just sorry that you got pulled into this. It wasn’t anything you did, it’s just who you are. Can you understand that?”

Draco sat still, thunderstruck and silent. His Adam’s apple bobbed as he gulped and took a breath, and the sighed and nodded.

“Okay. I get it. I just wanted you to know that I didn’t mean those things. I was wrong. If you don’t want me to apologize…I won’t, but I was still wrong. About a lot of things.”

Harry could feel what was coming next. Something was going to be said, pushing the unspoken into the limelight, and he could feel the almost tangible presence of it in the room.

“You really loved him, didn’t you?”

And Harry smiled. It was a rather wry, careworn smile, but it was a smile.

“Yeah…I did. Didn’t count on anyone else, much less you, knowing about all that, but yes…it’s true. I can’t even tell you how strange it feels, saying this to you. It was a different time…then, and a lot of things made sense that that don’t now, and vice versa. For what it’s worth, no one has ever meant to me what he meant. No one. I’ve had a lot of years to sort things out, and I wasted most of them hiding from some of what I didn’t want to admit. I’ll never know what he felt, or why he made the choices he made, but if it matters at all, yes…I loved him with all of my heart.”

Draco’s eyes were piercing arrows of leaden gray, fixed on Harry’s green.

“I read things, and heard other things. Little pieces, here and there. There’s more…isn’t there? The reason he left…it was…me, wasn’t it? Because he wanted an heir. If he’d stayed, I wouldn’t be here. He’d be alive…with you.”

“Don’t. It doesn’t really matter anymore. The whys and the wherefores. People make choices, some of them work out fine, others don’t. I know he wanted to…wanted you…his heir…more than anything. More than me. Don’t ever think he made a mistake in choosing that. I knew him better than anyone alive, and I can promise you that he would have paid any price, endured anything, to have a family. Even with all the things you might have heard about the Malfoy name, I know, for a fact, that they valued their own family above all things. More than money, more than power, and more than respect. Maybe I’m guessing, and maybe I’m wrong, but I honestly think that it was losing his family that made him decide to make one of his own. It was what he wanted, so don’t ever think of yourself as some kind of accident, alright?”

“That’s easier said than done. I’ve always felt…like…like I wasn’t really a part of things. Like I was something that stumbled into place where it didn’t belong, and people were just waiting…for me to leave. Master Prewett…we talked about…some things. I never felt like I could tell anyone…anything. I had my reasons. I don’t think they were all wrong. But…”

Draco’s voice trailed off. Some things weren’t easy to say aloud. Especially personal things. It wasn’t that he hadn’t spoken of things with Prewett. He had, but some thoughts he’d kept to himself. He was dangerously close to sharing one of them. Spooking Harry Potter away again was not what he wanted, but learning to share of himself had created a hunger for more of the same. And there were so many things he’d wanted to say.

Harry’s wry smile didn’t slip away. As tense as he was, he couldn’t just reject a young man who had fought hard to open up, even in the face of many rejections. Did it sting? Still? Yes, but not like he’d imagined. Not enough to leave him breathless, or without the ability to care about another. Not one who needed help at the start of their life, instead of half through it and still smarting from the pains of yesterday.

“It’s alright. Say what you please…what you want. I’ll still be here.”

Draco sighed heavily, hanging his head for a minute while he stared into the teacup.

“I…I came here because of you. I knew that…you knew him…better than people thought. No one…my grandparents…or my teachers…wanted to hear me, or see me. I’d read things…of his. There were parts…about you. My grandparents didn’t like him, but I’m pretty sure they expected some of his fortune. Turned out it was all held in trust for me. They got a stipend, and that somehow made them angrier than if they’d got nothing at all. They couldn’t take it out on anyone else, so it was all I ever heard about. They said…terrible things about him, and about Malfoys in general. I thought…I just knew you’d know more. I knew you’d tell me the truth. Or I thought you would. That’s…that’s why I got upset…when you wouldn’t talk to me. I thought you looked at me…the same way they did. Like you wished I’d never been born. I’m so sorry…about-”

“Don’t.” Harry’s throat felt like it would close up completely at any moment. It was hard to get words out, but they had to come. They were needed.

“Don’t apologize. You had your reasons, you made some mistakes like everyone else, but everything is fine now, isn’t it? I feel better than I have in years. I feel like I can…deal with life on its own terms again. None of that would be true if things hadn’t gone as they had. I have no regrets. Not one. Not about you coming here.”

Draco looked pained, and it was obvious that he was getting more emotional than he could easily control.

“But…but I heard that…you were going to leave here?! It’s true, isn’t it? You’re going to quit teaching…because of…all this? How can you say you don’t have regrets…when I made this happen? You should stay! You should…”

Harry maintained the calm that Draco needed to see, but only barely. “I should do what I know is right, and I haven’t done that for a long time. I’m flattered that you put that much stock in my belonging here, but being a good wizard and being a good professor are two different things, Draco. I came here to hide, a long time ago, because I needed a way to make myself forget about the past. This was a good place for that. I was busy, I had friends all around me, and I’m not ashamed of what I’ve done here…but this isn’t where I belong. I don’t want to go home because of you…I want to go home because I’m not afraid of it anymore. Why would I regret that? That’s why I’m thanking you. And don’t worry…I won’t be leaving until I’ve fulfilled my commitments, to you and to others. We’ll have some time yet, alright?”

Draco’s head was pounding from stress, and he felt vaguely dizzy. So many answers…so quickly. It was too much. It made him feel reckless, and more than a little confused. He wanted to object, or challenge this, but his instincts were at war with his rational mind.

“I…I’m…”

Harry looked nonplussed. “Yes?”

“I’m not sorry….about…the…”

The door creaked, and Minerva MacGonagall stepped into the room quietly, her demeanor grim in spite of the early morning hour.

“Professor Potter…Mister Malfoy. It is convenient that you are both here, and I can’t say I’m sorry to see you conducting yourselves like gentlemen, but I’m afraid we have something that we must discuss. Is Master Prewett available? I feel that he shou-”

“I’m here! Just bringing more tea.” John Prewett was smirking as he came through the door to his private offices, eyes twinkling furiously while he ignored Harry’s fairly obvious glare of irritation. “What was it that you wanted to talk about, Headmistress? Anything we can discuss right here?”

Prewett took his seat after freshening the various assembled teacups. Minerva remained upright, and removed an envelope from her robe pocket, straightening her glasses while she composed herself. Give the events of the past week, she had no personal desire to further complicate matters, but what she read here left her little choice.

“Mr. Malfoy. This quite directly concerns you, and it brings into question whether it is appropriate for you to remain here. I have records here from Durmstrang. Before I continue, is there anything regarding your time at Durmstrang that you wish to tell those of us assembled here today?”

Draco froze. He was almost certain of what that letter held. That it would come to haunt him here, while almost feeling as if he had a place he belonged…it was nauseating. There was nothing he wanted to say. There were many things he hadn’t told John Prewett, and this was among them, and for good reason. The sense of approaching humiliation was unbearable.

“No. I have nothing to say. If you feel that I shouldn’t be here, then just say so. I’ll go. I don’t want to discuss Durmstrang. Not now. Not…with anyone.”

Minerva frowned. This was too serious to go without examination. It wasn’t that she believed anything that came from Durmstrang, but some matters were too important to let personal feelings intervene.

“Mr. Malfoy…what is called for is an examination of your account of this. I understand that this may be a sensitive subject, but…”

Draco stood up, chin set defiantly, eyes blazing.

“I don’t care. Discuss whatever you want…I’m leaving. I’ve made my wishes clear. Do whatever you think you have to do. It’s none of my concern.”

The room was silent for a moment, all the parties at a complete impasse. Then Harry spoke, breaking the shocked silence, and his words stole the edge from Minerva’s fast growing outrage.

“Wait! No! What if…what if no one reads that letter here, but you tell me whatever you want to…alone. Then I’ll compare what you tell me first with whatever came from Durmstrang. No discussion with anyone else…just you telling me whatever you feel comfortable with. No more than that.”

Minerva ground her teeth, in the main because making such exceptions for a student went against every fiber of her being, and it set a dangerous precedent of allowing her demands to be circumvented, which no Headmaster or Headmistress should ever allow. The cheek of it all! Still, it was important that the air be cleared, and if she were to render any kind of fair judgment, Draco would have to speak his mind. It might as well be to Harry as anyone else.

“That is acceptable…even if your flippant attitude is not. We can discuss that at a later time. If…you will accept Professor Potter’s unusually gracious offer?”

Draco folded. They weren’t supposed to be reasonable...or accommodating, or even remotely fair. He’d been too upset to do more than goad them into dismissing him, but all those conversations with John Prewett hadn’t gone without some impact. Harry’s words about running away from one’s self were still ringing in his ears.

“Alright. Only with him. And only once. I am sorry that I’ve been rude…but please understand that I don’t want to talk about this twice. It’s…personal. I wish you’d let it stay that way, but if you won’t…”

Minerva nodded curtly. “Very well. Master Prewett, if you’ll come with me, we’ll remain in your office until Professor Potter informs us that this matter has been settled to his satisfaction. We’ll see what might be called for after that.”

And in a matter of seconds, Harry and Draco were alone, with a fresh pot of tea…again.

TBC!!!