Dearest Harry - Eileen's Story

Thanks go to Emma and Claudia, who have bravely taken on the task of sorting out my ramblings - I salute you ladies!!

Chapter Thirty

Severus thought that Harry looked like he had been stretched too thin. His skin was almost translucent and his eyes were far too bright.

The boy had finally gone to bed at about three in the morning, deeply distressed. Eileen and Molly were not speaking.

Molly had said some dreadful things the night before in her defense of her daughter. Severus thought that Harry was right. The girl was probably their only way of extracting the soul pieces from the Horcruxes. They would just have to find a safe way of doing that.

But Molly had ripped Ginny away from Harry and then torn into the boy. She had accused him of endangering her family, especially her daughter. She had bellowed and screeched at him and then swept from the room on a wave of righteous anger.

And Harry had collapsed

Already in shock over Draco’s words, Molly’s diatribe had been the final straw.

He had fallen to his knees and sat just staring blankly ahead, he had barely spoken a word since then.

Arthur had helped him to his feet, despite the fact that he was obviously in pain from his damaged arm. He had told Harry that Molly was desperately upset, that she did not mean what she was saying. But Harry had not responded.

Severus wanted to smack Molly Weasley. He thought that she was behaving like a self righteous, self-seeking cow. He had often thought that she was a rather overbearing mother, and had, on occasion felt sorry for her brood. But this time he thought she had gone too far with Harry.

It had been Eileen who had led her grandson upstairs in the end. The boy had barely seemed to be with them anymore. Harry’s eyes had seemed vacant and he had appeared to be bone achingly tired.

Severus had sat by Harry’s bed for the rest of the night. Eileen had insisted that the boy take some Dreamless Sleep potion, and then Severus had insisted that his mother get some sleep herself.

He had felt so helpless at Harry’s sadness. Was this what it was like when you came to care for someone? You want desperately to spare them pain, protect them from the bad behaviour of others? Severus had never felt like this about anyone before, except for his mother and he wasn’t sure how to handle these new emotions. His instincts told him to push Harry away, but his heart told him that Harry really needed him right now, and he found himself unable to ignore his heart.

Harry’s eyes had been closed almost before his head hit the pillow, but even with the potion he had taken Harry’s dreams were restless. He had muttered in his sleep, almost inaudibly. Only one word was fairly clear, one name. Draco.

Severus’ heart ached. He reached over and stroked Harry’s hair gently, pulled the covers up when the boy shrugged them off and generally found himself fussing like an old mother hen.

Severus could not believe that he felt like this about anyone and certainly not about Harry Potter. The boy had been through so much, stayed so strong and Severus could not allow him to fall apart now. Even if he had to hold him together through sheer force of will, he was not going to see Harry fail.

At eight o’clock in the morning he was disturbed by an argument, which seemed to be raging outside Harry’s door. He knew that Harry would not wake until nine thirty. Severus had set a timer on the potion. Six and a half hours were all that he could allow Harry to sleep today. There was simply too much to do. They had to hold a meeting, they had to debrief over the destruction of another Horcrux and they had to go to Tonks’ funeral at eleven thirty.

He stood up and made his way over to the door. Eileen and Molly were outside hissing angrily at eachother. But their voices were rising along with their tempers.

“You are not going to see him Molly!” Eileen was saying, “You hurt him badly last night and I will not let you near him again!”

“I need to apologise!” Molly said, “I didn’t mean to hurt him, I love him as much as I love my own children, he knows I didn’t mean what I said.”

“Harry is NOT one of your children Molly!” Eileen retorted. “They may be able to cope with your sudden flares of temper and harsh words exchanged but Harry can’t. If you tell him he is of no use, that he is selfish, he will believe you and I am not letting you near him right now!”

“You have no right to stop me seeing him!” Molly shouted, her voice had taken on a slightly hysterical tinge.

“I have every right!” Eileen returned. “He is my grandson!”

Molly opened her mouth to say more. But Severus forestalled her.

“Harry is still asleep,” he said firmly to Molly. “He will not wake for another hour and twenty-two minutes. I suggest that you go away and calm yourself. You may speak with him later, after the funeral.”

He felt like shaking the stupid woman. She was worried about her daughter he knew that, but that did not give her the right to treat Harry the way she had. To say the things that she had was inexcusable

Severus had always thought that Harry simply shrugged off harsh words, and in many ways he did. He had never seemed to be affected by the things that Severus had said to him, he had always seemed to carry on in his own sweet way no matter what Severus or anyone else had said. But that had been a façade he now knew. Harry would have accepted the harsh words that Molly Weasley had spewed at him and added them to those that made up his view of himself.

Harry had killed a man the night before. Deliberately killed him. Not by accident as had been the case with Quirrell and the other Tom Riddle, the one he had met in the Chamber of Secrets. According to Albus, Harry had been desperately trying to save Ginny; he’d had no idea what his actions would do to Voldemort. But this time Harry had known the consequences of his actions and had very deliberately set out to kill. Tom Riddle might not have been truly real, he might have been draining the life from Ginny, but Harry’s purposeful actions had ceased his existence and Severus was not at all sure how his nephew was going to feel about that.

Eileen smiled up at him as Molly left.

“You look absolutely dreadful, love,” she said in that caring, understanding tone that only mothers seem to be able to get away with.

“Go and have a shower and get some breakfast. I’ll sit with Harry for a while.”

Severus nearly refused. But he knew that he could come back. He wanted to talk to the boy before he was grabbed by anyone else, but he could see that his mother was itching to do some intensive nurturing of her grandson. So he promised her that he would be back at ten and that Eileen was not to let Harry downstairs until he had seen him first.

He meant to head for a shower, truly he did. But first he found himself seeking out Draco Malfoy instead.

The blond boy was in the library. It seemed to have become a bit of a retreat for all the angst ridden teenagers in the house of late.

He did not look up as Severus walked into the room.

He kept his eyes on the floor as he spoke to Severus.

“You don’t have to say anything,” Draco murmured. “Hermione’s already told me that she thinks I’m a total prat. Though she can’t be too cross with me because she did at least drag the Weasel away when he was threatening to break my fingers, before he started on other bits of my anatomy.”

Severus didn’t know what to say.

Finally Draco looked up at him.

“I thought he’d gone back to her.” He said. “I’ve been so distant the last few days since Mum came back. I didn’t mean to be. But I sort of forgot about Harry. Then I thought he forgot about me.”

“Ginny has everything that I don’t. She’s pureblood too. I used to think that they were blood traitors the Weasleys, but it was me that was the traitor. Me and my family wasn’t it? We were the ones that followed the wrong course.” He rubbed the palm of his hand over the tip of his nose. It was a nervous gesture of his, one that Severus had seen a lot of lately.

“I thought that Harry had had enough of me rushing off and not paying him attention. He liked her so much in school. And she isn’t a werewolf. Not like me. I thought that he’d decided that he didn’t want me anymore.”

“But Hermione told me what happened and now I feel like a prat. I tried to come and see him but your mother wouldn’t let me in.”

Draco’s eyes took on a glimmer of hope. “Do you think he’ll forgive me?”

Severus sighed. They were in the middle of a war. A horrendous war, one that might destroy the world as they knew it, but teenage relationships, with all the messy emotional baggage that were part and parcel of them, they carried on regardless it seemed.

Severus sat down.

“I think you need to talk to Harry, later, after the funeral perhaps. When you can have some time alone.

“Knowing Harry I am sure that you can work this out between you. He does not hold grudges and I think he cares about you deeply Draco. I think he has missed you a lot, and has been puzzled by your distance.”

Severus felt surprised at himself. When had he noticed these things about Harry?

Draco’s eyes filled with tears and he swiped them away fiercely.

“I don’t know why he would care about me!” he said sullenly, seemingly determined to hold on to his guilt.

Severus looked at him, really looked at him.

Draco was barely more than a child himself. A boy whose childhood had been nearly as dysfunctional as Harry’s really. Draco had been showered with love and possessions. But his father had been so demanding of his son, and what about his abhorrent beliefs? Severus might have turned his back on such prejudices, but he knew how hard it was to do that. Lucius had always been so charming when he spouted the vicious nonsense that he did. Severus had been taken in, a lot of people had been. So how could he have expected Draco to have escaped unscathed?

The boy’s worldview had undergone a huge upheaval in recent months. His mother had nearly died and his father night well be insane from prolonged exposure to the Cruciatus curse. Since Lucius had been sent to Azkaban, at the end of Draco’s fifth year, he had been struggling to deal with his changed circumstances, more or less alone. He had had to cope with fear and loneliness and revulsion at what he had become and his upbringing; his safe, cosseted, blinkered upbringing had given him no internal resources to cope with what he now faced.

“Nevertheless, he does care Draco.” Severus reassured the blond boy, “Being with Harry Potter is never going to be the easy option. You, more than most, will have a lot to overcome. I cannot believe that the wizarding world will be happy for you and Harry to be together not after everything…..” Severus broke off. He didn’t know what to say

Draco finished the sentence for him

“Not after everything that I have done, not when they find out what I am. Harry didn’t seem to mind, and I forgot about that. I forgot that he was there for me, forgot that he didn’t seem to care about… about what I am now! Mother was so sad, she needed me so much that I didn’t think about Harry. Then when I saw him hugging and kissing Ginny I just felt betrayed.”

He blushed and looked away. “I should have asked what was happening shouldn’t I? I had heard the screams, I should have waited and Harry would have told me. I should have been there for him.” Draco swallowed heavily


Severus took Draco’s chin in his hand and turned the boy’s head to look at him. “I don’t think Harry will hold that against you. The fact that you have apparently been ignoring him or the fact that you stormed out on him. If there is one thing that I have learned about Harry in all these weeks it is that he has a very strong moral code. If he has chosen you Draco, and he has you know, then I cannot see that he would betray you, or desert you. But he may well decide that he is not good enough for you. ”

“He doesn’t think very much of himself,” Draco whispered, “and I don’t think that I’ve helped things by ignoring him. I didn’t mean to. He probably thinks I don’t want him anymore.” The last statement was almost plaintive.

“Do you want him Draco?” Severus asked. “Do you want Harry for himself and not for what he is?” Severus was astonished at himself. Earlier he had been fussing round Harry like some sort of over anxious mother and now he was asking Draco his intentions as if he were some Victorian Papa.

“I love him, Severus. I think that I have always loved him.” This last was said so quietly that Severus had to strain to hear him. “What if I’ve blown it? What if he doesn’t want to be with me anymore?”

“Then you have to deal with that and move on.” Severus said calmly, then and at Draco’s sharp intake of breath added, “but I don’t think that he has moved on Draco. I don’t think that our young Mr Potter gives his heart away lightly.”

They talked for a bit longer and Severus told Draco a little about what had happened the night before. How Harry had once again fought the Dark Lord and won. When they separated Draco seemed happier. And Severus wondered how he was able to give advice to someone about their relationship when he had only ever managed to screw up his own relationships beyond repair.




When Harry woke, Eileen was there again. She was sewing something and when she realised he was awake, looked up at him and smiled.

“Good morning love,” she said, laying her work aside. “How’re you feeling?”

Harry smiled back at her somewhat wanly. He felt completely bruised and battered. In the first few seconds after he awoke every thing felt fine, but then things started settling back in on him.

The fight with Riddle.

The things that Molly had said.

Draco.

Harry shoved them away. He was not going to think about any of those things.

If he had not destroyed Riddle then Ginny would have died. That was all there was to it. And not only that but the Riddle that he had destroyed was not really real anyway. Harry didn’t think about the screams and the blood or the fact that when he was in his lion form he had revelled in his strength and power as the phantom that was Voldemort lay dying beneath him.

No, he decided. He would not feel guilty about what had happened.

“Do you want to go to the loo love?” Eileen asked. “I’ve sorted you out some robes for later, so go and shower and we’ll get you ready.”

Harry obediently got out of bed and made his way over to the bathroom.

Luckily no one else seemed to be about.

Oh Draco! he thought sadly

He caught sight of himself in the mirror. It wasn’t a magical one. Harry had changed the mirror in the bathroom to an ordinary Muggle one from IKEA. He didn’t like magical mirrors. He didn’t need anyone else telling him what a runty scruff he was.

He looked dreadful. Pale skin, wide staring eyes. Thank goodness he didn’t have his glasses on. He was sure that he would look even worse if he could see himself clearly

He had believed Draco when he told him he was beautiful. When Draco had kissed him and held him it had been wonderful. But the anger on the other boy’s face last night and his absence from Harry’s life for the last few days had left Harry feeling all shaky.

Maybe Mrs Weasley was right and he was a destroyer of people and families? He was certainly not safe to be around. He should have had the locket removed, he had known what it was, it should not have been here for Ginny to find. And he certainly had no right to ask her to help him destroy the remaining Horcruxes. Perhaps she wouldn’t survive another encounter with Voldemort?

Harry wondered if he would survive another encounter with Voldemort come to that.

He stepped out of the shower and tried, as unsuccessfully as ever, to flatten his unruly hair. Maybe that was what had made Draco go off him? His hair? Draco’s hair was so smooth after all.

He wandered slowly back to the bedroom. The hallway was always drafty and cold even in summer but he was warm enough in the fluffy bathrobe that Eileen had bought him. He loved the robe. Somehow this morning when he felt so raw it really helped to have it on.

His clothes were laid out on the bed when he re-entered the room. Harry felt a lump in his throat. It was hard and sore and it didn’t seem to be going away how ever hard he swallowed.

His gran busied herself across the other side of the room. Tidying up around Ron’s bed whilst Harry dressed. He wondered how long it would take her to realise that tidying up after Ron was a totally lost cause.

She came back over when he had shrugged his robe on and started fussing about lint on his shoulders. Harry thought it was wonderful.

The door opened and just for a moment his heart leapt. He looked up sharply, hoping to catch sight of white blond hair and a sardonic smile. He tried not to look too disappointed when it was his uncle who entered.

Severus was holding a tray. It held some porridge, a pot of tea, some juice and some toast. Harry didn’t think he could eat any of it, but he really appreciated the gesture.

His uncle pulled a table close to the bed and then dragged over a chair.

“I thought you might like to have your breakfast up here Harry,” he said. “It is very chaotic downstairs this morning.” Harry sat down and picked up a spoon.

“Erm thanks, er…Severus,” he said. The lump in his throat was back and as he began to try and eat around it he wondered which of the people he had upset last night didn’t want to see him downstairs. Mrs Weasley or Draco.