Light on the Dark Side of Me

Title: Light on the Dark Side of Me
Author: Cocoa-Snape
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Harry Potter belongs exclusively to JKR…she is a goddess. I am making no money from this.
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Light on the Dark Side of Me
Chapter 30: Yeah mate, I can see the love

Harry spent the next few days in the company of Ron and Hermione. They had, after all, arrived early to spend time with him since the trio had been apart for the Holidays. He was happy to see them, of course, but he felt oddly empty being away from Severus. Harry realized that he had become quite accustomed to Severus’s presence after spending so much time with the man in such close proximity. When Ron and Hermione had first arrived, they promptly recounted their Holidays in detail to him, and he was sorry he had to lie and tell them his had been typically dull. He wondered how the truth would sound.

‘Yes, it was a pretty typical Holiday. Right after you left, I went to see Snape to tell him that I wanted our lessons to continue, despite his casting Unforgivables on me – oh, don’t worry, it was just a little bit of Imperius and Cruciatus. But when I told him I wanted to resume our relationship – oh yeah, Snape and I had a thing a couple of months back – well he got very angry and went crazy. He showed me some memories that revealed him as a pedophile who wants to rape me and bring me to Voldemort. But don’t worry, I talked the whole thing through with Dumbledore and his solution was to lock me in the dungeons with Snape for the rest of the Holidays until we worked things out.’

Harry could not even imagine what reaction the truth would get him.

After dinner over a game of Exploding Snap in the Gryffindor common room, Harry decided it was time to bite the bullet.

“Ron, Hermione, there is something important I need to tell both of you. I wish it could wait, but I want to do it while we still have some privacy.”

Ron and Hermione both stared expectantly at Harry.

Harry took a deep breath, “When the new term starts, I’m going to be spending a bit more time away from Gryffindor tower. I spoke with Professor Dumbledore and he’s arranged for me to have a private room in the hospital wing that I can use when I need to, for my nightmares, but—”

Hermione interrupted before Harry could finish, “But I thought you said your nightmares weren’t as bad any more. I thought your Occlumency lessons were helping.”

“They are, Hermione.” Harry was beginning feel very nervous. How was he going to explain all of this?

“I don’t get it. If your nightmares are better, then why do you need to stay in the hospital wing?” Ron asked.

“I won’t really be staying in the hospital wing on those nights. I would be staying with Professor Snape,” Harry blurted out as fast as he could, hoping that would make it easier to say.

“What?” Ron exclaimed.

“Professor Dumbledore arranged this for me so I can Floo directly to the dungeons without anyone knowing.”

“For your lessons, you mean?” Ron suggested, with a hint of terror in his eyes.

“Yes, for my lessons,” Harry started, “and occasionally, I’ll be spending the night as well, mostly on the weekends.”

Hermione had a knowing smile on her face. She looked relieved for Harry that he finally was sharing this with them – and to Harry’s astonishment, she did not look very surprised. Ron, however, looked anything but relieved, as he asked, “What do you mean spend the night? Why?”

“Well, for starters, Professor Snape needs me, especially now. See, he’s been having these really horrible nightmares lately. Not like the ones I have, but they do relate to Voldemort.”

Hermione chimed in now, concern in her voice. “Is he alright, Harry?”

Harry was relieved to get a question from Hermione. “He’s doing much better now, Hermione.”

Suddenly remembering Harry’s letter to her over the Holidays, she gasped and exclaimed, “Oh! Was that information I sent you…was that for Professor Snape?”

“Yeah. He hasn’t been feeling very well. Like I said, he’s doing better now, but I want to be there for him if he needs me.”

Ron was looking positively angry now, “And what exactly could he possibly need from you?”

Harry looked almost as angry as Ron as he snapped, “Maybe support and comfort!”

“He’s Snape! What the hell does he need that for?” Ron yelled.

“He’s a human being, Ron!” Harry shouted back. He took a deep breath and sighed, “I can’t say a lot about it – except that he’s been through a horrible ordeal this past month, worse than anything any of us could possibly imagine. And I want to be there for him, that’s all.”

Hermione was beaming at Harry and placed her arm on his as a show of support. Harry looking into her eyes and didn’t need Legilimency to see the happiness and pride emanating from her.

Ron looked confused, “What business is that of yours?”

Harry took a deep breath, looking Ron straight in the eyes and spoke calmly, “It’s my business, because I’m in love with him.”

“What?” Ron asked in confusion. He was sure he must have misheard.

Harry did not hesitate this time. “I’m in love with him.”

“Are you effing mad?” Ron shouted.

“No I’m not, Ron!”

“You don’t even fancy men!”

“Well, actually, yes I do. I told Hermione about a month ago, in fact. Obviously I was right about not telling you!”

“Harry, I’m your best mate – if you fancy blokes, that’s fine with me. But this is Snape! It’s not normal. He’s got you under a spell, he does. Imperius or something. You don’t know what you’re talking about!”

“Yes I do, Ron! I know bloody well what I want! And he doesn’t have me under a spell.”

But Ron wasn’t listening. Instead he spoke to Hermione. “We should go get Dumbledore. He’ll be able to find out what’s wrong with him.”

Harry was livid now, “Dumbledore already knows. He’s known for a very long time.” Harry paused for a moment, reflecting on his conversation with the Headmaster last year, “Longer than I have, in fact. And he approves.”

But this new information seemed to float right over Ron’s head. Ignoring Harry once again, he addressed Hermione, postulating an explanation for this bizarre turn of events, “Maybe Snape’s trying to get information out of Harry, you know, for Voldemort or something.”

Harry sighed and was about to say something, but Hermione beat him to the punch.

“Yes, Ron. That’s perfectly sensible! Snape has been giving Harry lessons, on Dumbledore’s request by the way, but instead of getting this ‘secret’ information from Harry then, he comes up with this elaborate plan that involves convincing Harry that he is in love with him. But instead of using this ‘love-spell’ to extract this so-called information, he decides to completely ignore Harry and push him away for months. You know, Ron, sometimes your reasoning skills are amazing!” Hermione said in exasperation.

“Okay maybe that doesn’t make sense,” Ron replied. “But neither does this! Where is this coming from? One minute you hate him and then you…ughh,” Ron paused, struggling over the word, “…love him?”

“It’s complicated, but it didn’t happen over night. We grew close over my lessons and we sort of stumbled into a relationship about two months ago. But Severus ended it quite quickly…”

Ron interrupted, “So it’s Severus now? You are out of your mind, Harry.”

Hermione spoke, “Ron, shut up and let Harry finish.”

“Like I said, he ended it. I tried to talk to him about it, but there were…complications. Anyway, we had a sort of…uhmm…confrontation at the start of the Holidays and—”

“Confrontation?” Ron asked, “What do you mean?”

“Well, it’s…complicated,” Harry replied.

“You already said that.”

Harry really didn’t want to lie to Ron and Hermione anymore now that he had finally decided to be honest with them. But he also knew he couldn’t mention the horrible memories Severus had shown him without compromising Severus’s privacy. Although it wasn’t the incident he was speaking of, fortunately for Harry, when it came to Severus, he had plenty of confrontations to choose from.

“We had an argument and ended up exchanging Unforgivables,” Harry said evenly.

Hermione gasped. Ron’s mouth flew open.

Realizing that neither of them could speak, Harry continued, “Anyway, it turned out that Severus was teaching me a lesson about how to cast Unforgivables.”

Finding his voice, Ron breathed, “Wicked!”

Hermione turned to Ron, incensed, and said indignantly, “You think Harry casting Unforgivables is cool but him being in love is horrible?”

“It’s Snape!” Ron replied.

Hermione sighed and turned back to Harry, “Go on, Harry. So what happened then?”

“Well, it’s…”

“Complicated,” Ron filled in.

“Yeah. Well, there’s been a lot of tension between me and Severus recently and after these…incidents, Dumbledore lost patience with both of us and sort of threw us together to talk about it. In fact, he locked me and Severus in the dungeons for the Holidays so we could begin working out some of our difficulties.”

Ron was incredulous now. “You were in the dungeons with him for the whole Holidays?” Realization spread over Ron’s face, then revulsion. “Are you two…? Oh my God!”

Harry was quick to correct Ron. “Actually no, we’re not. BUT, I want to, Ron.” Ron’s eyes went wide in horror. “Severus isn’t ready and I’m respecting his wishes.”

“What? Snape rejected you?”

“Yes, Ron,” Harry sighed.

“That’s good. Then you’re not together…that’s good. And no one knows – thank God!”

“It’s not good that we’re not together, Ron!” Harry said angrily. “I love Severus, and that’s not going to change.”

“And you think he loves you?”

“Well, he hasn’t said it yet, but I think he does,” Harry said confidently, carefully masking his own uncertainty on that point. “And just so we’re clear, I do consider myself with him now. Our relationship just isn’t…sexual at the moment.”

Ron looked like he was going to be sick. “Uggh Harry! Don’t say that! Why would you want that? He’s a disgusting greasy git!”

“RON!!!” Hermione yelled, her temper rising.

Harry remained oddly calm as he responded. “No, he’s not and don’t ever say that to me again. Severus is the most amazing person I’ve ever known. And I love him very much. And I don’t care if the whole school knows that.” Ron looked horrified. Harry continued, “But unfortunately, they can’t, because that would compromise his spying on Voldemort for the Order. So you two have to promise not to say anything to anyone about this.”

“Of course,” Ron and Hermione said, but clearly for different reasons.

Hermione spoke, “Harry, I’m so happy for you and Professor Snape. So you both worked things out over Christmas then?”

“Well,” Harry began hesitantly, “it’s a work in progress. He’s still going through a lot – you know at least part of what I’m referring to. And regarding us…well, I’m still working on him about that. It’s…very difficult. I’d like it very much though, after we work through some of this stuff, for you two to get to know him. Maybe we could all have dinner or something with Severus in his quarters?”

“That’s sounds wonderful, Harry. We would both love to!” Hermione said, nudging Ron. “Just let us know when.” Hermione gave Ron a more forceful nudge.

“Listen mate, I don’t understand this…but you know I’ve always got your back.”

“Thanks, Ron.” Harry had the strangest feeling Ron would be going to see Dumbledore later that night. That would be a funny conversation indeed. Harry turned to Hermione, “Hermione, thank you so much for everything.”

Hermione gave Harry a hug and whispered, “He’ll come around. You know how he is. I’ll work on him. I’m really happy for you, Harry.”

“Thanks, Hermione.”

Harry felt relieved to finally have confided in his best friends about his feelings for Severus, and the arrangements he had made to spend more time with him. Now all he had left to do was tell the man himself!

***


The first week of classes went by quickly and without much event. But Potions on Tuesday was somewhat more of an adventure. Harry thought it would be awkward being suddenly thrust back into the previously well-defined teacher-student relationship after all that he had been through with Severus. But Harry found he did not have time to feel uncomfortable. He spent a good amount of the time studying the man surreptitiously, trying unsuccessfully to gauge his temperament. He wondered if Dumbledore had gotten around to speaking with Severus about the many delicate issues he knew they were to discuss, and if so, what his reaction had been. Harry couldn’t imagine that it had been good.

Hermione leaned over to Harry and whispered, “He’s looking so much better, Harry. He looked positively awful before the Holidays.”

“Yeah, I think maybe he’s finally getting more sleep.”

“So what are you planning on doing about your feelings for him?” Hermione asked.

“I have no idea,” Harry confessed, realizing all too well that he needed to come to a decision on just that.

“Have you seen him at all since you left the dungeons?”

“Not in private no,” Harry began. “But I think he’s been taking his meals with Dumbledore. I haven’t seen either of them in the Great Hall for dinner.”

Catching sight of the pair whispering, Snape quickly disrupted their conversation with his usual sarcasm, “I suppose since the both of you are chatting in my class, you have finished your potions and are ready for me to grade them?”

“No, Professor. Sorry,” Hermione and Harry said, almost in unison.

“If I catch either of you two talking again, it’ll be detention for the rest of the week. And Potter,” he began, giving Harry a long narrow-eyed stare, “I expect a perfect potion from you. Don’t disappoint me with your usual shoddy efforts.”

“Yes, sir,” Harry said. Harry noticed that Malfoy was smirking at him and Harry did his best to look annoyed, but inside he was smiling at Severus’s comment. It sounded like an insult, but Harry knew what Severus meant by it – that he believed that Harry was capable of a perfect potion. And, of course, Severus expected no less than his best from him.

Ron leaned over to Harry and whispered, “Yeah mate, I can see the love. It’s just all warm and cozy in here.”

“Shut up, Ron!” Harry and Hermione both whispered forcefully.

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A/N: As always, thank you for your reviews.

This was an example of a very fun chapter to write. Hope you enjoyed reading it.

Only 4 chapters left....
For those who are interested, I am already planning (or at least thinking about) writing a sequel to this story. After I finish posting this fic, I would welcome your input/advice on where to take my story.

As for the next chapter: Harry has waited the week....and now he’s going to see Severus, whether Severus likes it or not.

Looking forward to your comments.