Needfire

Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize. All credit goes to JKR.


that you should ever think,may god forbid
and(in his mercy) your true lover spare:
for that way knowledge lies,the foetal grave
called progress,and negation\'s dead undoom.

I\'d rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance


-- from\" you shall above all things be glad and young\"

-- e.e.cummings


Chapter 30 - Persuading Minerva

A few days after seeing Hermione settled into St. Mungo\'s, Snape went to Diagon Alley to see about leasing an owl for a period of time. Eeylops Emporium was agreeable, and Snape returned to Angharad\'s cottage with a non-descript little screech owl. He did not expect his missives to be heavy.

His first letter went to Minerva, and asked her to meet him at the Hog\'s Head Inn in Hogsmeade, Friday evening after her last class.

Wednesday evening, April, Oxfordshire

Dear Minerva,

I will not blame you if you decide to burn this letter, or return it unopened. But I implore of you the indulgence of your time, and your endless patience with me, this one last time.

I have done grievous harm. I have hurt you. I have hurt Hermione Granger, as well. For these hurts I deserve nothing from you; yet I would presume upon your goodness and whatever remnant of our long acquaintance might still linger in your Gryffindor heart, and ask you to meet me at the Hog\'s Head Inn Friday evening. We have much to discuss, I believe, and I think you will want to hear what news I have.

I will await you in a private room upstairs Friday evening after classes. The innkeeper will know where to find me.

Yours in abject apology,
Severus Snape, Vile Slytherin Bastard

He bundled the bit of parchment carefully, and tied it to the leg of the small screech owl, which stood patiently on a makeshift perch of fruit tree prunings from Angharad\'s garden. \"Take this to Minerva McGonagall, Transfiguration Professor at Hogwarts School. Wait for a reply should one be forthcoming.\"

It wasn\'t long, actually -- though it seemed hours, while Snape leafed uselessly through a Potions text he could have recited by heart -- before the owl returned. Snape fished a tidbit for it out of the cupboard, and retrieved his bundle from its leg.

Thankfully the knots holding the parchment were different; Minerva had at least opened his letter. His fingers shook as he unfolded it. On the back side was her familiar scribble, untidy, half-printed, half scripted, smudged from her blunt quill, which for some reason she never sharpened -- it was something he had always done for her, evenings when he visited her office for no particular reason. He could never just sit idly, but even though they had not always chatted on those occasions -- she was often marking essays -- the visits satisfied some dim need that he had for companionship. Going over her quills seemed polite and useful.

Dear Vile Slytherin Bastard,

How right you are, you deserve nothing from me, except my contempt.

Yet I find that Miss Granger still deserves my consideration. I will attend.

Minerva McGonagall

Friday couldn\'t come fast enough, but finally he was ensconced in a small, snug sitting room on the rickety third floor of the Hog\'s Head. He waited, his back to the lit fireplace, for Minerva, while the sky outside gradually darkened. When he heard her footsteps in the hall outside, he rose from his seat and went to open the door for her.

She strode in, dressed as usual in her bagging tweed skirt and pointed hat. Her hair was creeping in tendrils from her bun at the end of what looked like a long day. She was pulling off her gloves as she entered.

\"Make it brief, Snape,\" she said. She strode to the fireplace and stood warming herself.

\"Is it still cold out?\" Snape, and not Severus.

\"It\'s an April night in Hogsmeade, Snape, what do you think? Please don\'t try making casual chat, it\'s not your forte.\" She turned to glare at him.

Snape sat down, a bit hard. \"I have Hermione\'s permission to speak with you, but before I do, I must exact a promise from you on her behalf.\"

Minerva looked away scornfully. \"You mean you want to tell me the sordid details of your seduction of my Head Girl, and expect to get away clean.\"

\"I mean I expect you to respect her privacy, and not contact her parents, and not let Dumbledore know where she is. Minerva, she used the Fidelius charm before she came to me. She was serious about not being found. I wish to honor that need of hers. If you can\'t agree, then our conversation will end here and I\'ll leave and not come back. Yet -- I think she\'d like you to know these things. She respects you tremendously. I...I don\'t expect you to forgive me.\"

She was standing there, watching him with something akin to respect, grudgingly it was true, but watching him nonetheless. He waited. After a time, she nodded. \"I recall our visit to the Grangers, I...saw how you were, together, the night I found you -- and I watched her the week after you\'d been sacked. Her life was hellish. All right. You have my promise, for now.\"

\"Right then, let me get to the point. I\'ve taken Hermione to St. Mungo\'s for treatment. She\'s seeing healers there. From time to time she owls me her progress. She\'s been there almost three weeks.\"

\"And what brought this on? It\'s not like you to give up your...toys...so easily.\" Minerva\'s voice was bitter.

\"I was summoned. It\'s happened frequently this winter and spring; nearly every week or ten days. Voldemort is becoming restless, and I should talk to you about him as well, but Hermione comes first. You should know, the last time I was away from...from home, away from her, Hermione slit her wrists.\"

Minerva\'s right hand went trembling to her lips. Snape watched her blinking quickly, and waved a chair into reach. She collapsed upon it, staring. \"What?\"

\"You heard me. She tried to kill herself.\"

\"What have you done to the girl, besides bed her?\" Minerva asked now. She fumbled in her pocket for her hanky, and with the tiniest leap of his heart Snape saw it was still his Christmas gift that she carried.

So much to say, yet it will matter so little in her opinion of me. Snape sighed. \"There is a thing I have never told you, about myself, Minerva.\"

\"Then don\'t start now,\" she said acidly. \"I\'m here to talk about Hermione. Why did she try to commit suicide?\"

\"This is also about Hermione.\" He folded his hands to ensure they kept quiet. \"You\'re aware that I used to be a Death Eater.\"

\"You still are.\"

He shook his head. \"I spy for Dumbledore -- for these children, now. I no longer take solace in what it means to be a Death Eater.\"

\"Children,\" she spat. \"You admit she\'s a child. Snape, how could you? How could you...defile her in that way?\"

That stung, simply because it was what he asked himself, every single day. He met her gaze and let her see his hurt. \"It began innocently enough. You must remember back to early autumn, a week where I did not join you for meals in the Great Hall.\"

\"Yes. But --\"

\"Will you let me tell this in my own way, or do you simply wish to play Grand Inquisitor before you burn me at the stake?\"

\"Why you think you deserve consideration of any kind is beyond me, but go ahead -- tell it your way, you Slytherin. I\'m sure your words will wriggle and tangle me in them, but I must hear about Hermione.\"

Snape glared. \"I\'m trying to get to that, Minerva. As I was saying. There was a period of time between leaving the Death Eaters and coming to work at Hogwarts. You\'ve never asked me what I did in that time. Well, I learned the ways of the Druid, from a witch in Oxfordshire. She is the one who arranged for me to have the Potions job with Dumbledore. She is the one who arranged for my...atonement...by telling Dumbledore about my history. And so I began to spy on Voldemort, once he returned.\"

\"All of this has nothing to do with Hermione, Snape.\"

\"Will you shut up?\" The harshness of his tone shocked her, he saw. He had never spoken to her in such a way. While she was stricken silent, he continued. \"I have been, in the past few years, reacquainting myself with my Druid training, and using the stone Circle at the edge of the Forbidden Forest for my rituals. Hermione discovered me there, and asked me to teach her. I believe she saw the training as a way to get control over her...issues, those that caused her to scrape herself raw.\"

\"You taught Hermione to be a Druid?\"

\"I did. She\'s a skilled one, too. She came into it with a full understanding and acceptance of what the rituals entail, Minerva.\" Snape caught and held her gaze with his. He would not back down from this point; he was not ashamed of performing the sexual rituals with Hermione, not as long as they were part and parcel of his religion. It was the other involvement that disturbed him, the fact that the relationship did not remain that of apprentice and mentor. \"It was glorious, I must tell you that first. For the first time in many years, the ritual succeeded, with her participation, and I -- we -- were able to awaken the Circle.\" He held up a hand as she started to speak. He knew that she understood the ancient fertility rites. \"Yes, we performed a complete rite, and I mated with her there, at Samhain. With her full and complete knowledge and acceptance and participation.\"

\"Oh, Hermione.\" Minerva was still stricken. Snape got out of his chair and went to his knees in front of her.

\"I firmly believe the training helped her, Minerva. She was so much better afterwards, except for the occasional slide. You saw it yourself. It...well, had we left it at the Druid training, perhaps we would both still be at Hogwarts. But instead it went further.\"

Minerva\'s hands came up and went over her eyes. Snape leaned forward and touched her knees. She struck his hands away. \"I can\'t bear to hear any more, Sev -- S -- Snape. She\'s only a baby.\"

\"She\'s Hermione, with all of her scars and her past history and her intelligence. No baby, no child.\"

Now her hands flew to her ears. \"You serpent! Talking so reasonably about this!\"

\"I believe your term was \'vile Slytherin bastard.\' I\'m only speaking truth, Minerva. When you caught us that night, it -- it was a turning point. I was sacked, and she was disgraced. She discovered where I had gone, and came to find me, to be with me. She left this place behind, much as she loved it, and her two friends, and...you. To be with...me.\" He swallowed hard. \"It was idyllic at first, but eventually her demons found her, and while I was gone to the summonings she...she would hurt herself again. Not always, but often. I had to go, I had to hear what Voldemort has planned for these children -- for us. And this last time, before I took her to St. Mungo\'s, was the worst. She almost died.\"

Minerva broke down completely now, and allowed his hands to creep back to her knees. \"It would have happened, even had she not been with you,\" she gasped, sobbing. \"I could see that. I watched her in that week; she was devastated. She began to hurt herself immediately.\"

\"What sent her to my arms again, Minerva, was not the disgrace among her peers. It was a letter from her parents, calling her home for good. She couldn\'t go back there, and so she ran. And used the Fidelius charm. I hid her, with me, and we lived together for those weeks. Until now.\" He reached up and took her hands. She, startled, allowed him to do it -- he had so rarely touched her. \"But I have put her away from me now, for her own good. It was all I could do. It\'s over, though I still -- I still --\" he couldn\'t finish, but she understood. Her blue eyes were swimming. Finally he spoke. \"I would do it again, Minerva. All of it.\"

\"Are you quite through?\" She tugged one hand free and blotted her weeping eyes and dabbed at her nose.

\"Er -- yes.\" He was taken aback by her matter-of-fact tone. He scowled.

\"It\'s time you told me this whole story, Snape.\"

He sat back on his heels, letting go of her completely. \"I just did.\"

\"No. I mean Hermione\'s story. I\'ll ask the questions now, and you will answer them.\"

\"Not without a renewed assurance that you won\'t tell Hogwarts or her parents where she is. That\'s for Hermione to do, not you or me.\" He rose and paced the room, disturbed. What sort of questions would Minerva ask now?

\"Do you think I\'d endanger one of my House willingly, you idiot? Now, go back to the beginning, with Hermione\'s parents. Why did we go to the Grangers\' house before Christmas? I know now you must have lied to me about why Hermione stayed at Hogwarts for the holidays.\"

Snape leaned his arms on the mantelpiece and hung his head between them. \"You remember the letter we wrote them, about Hermione\'s hands. Well, it seems that exact problem had happened before, when she was eight. There was therapy then, that seemed to resolve it.\"

\"Go on.\"

\"Minerva, that next morning Hermione\'s parents owled her about our letter. She came to my office after classes that day and -- she had what amounted, in the Muggle world, to a nervous breakdown. In our world we call that a failure of her magical integrity. That day changed everything, for me at least, and I think for her as well. That day she grabbed a scalpel from my desk drawer and tried to cut herself. Right in front of me.\"

Minerva gasped and rose. He turned to face her, and was not in time to prevent her sharp slap across his face. \"You...she...and you never told me? My Head Girl, a member of my house, had a failure of her magic, Hermione Granger\'s magic failed her and you never told me? You are beyond vile, you are --\" she drew back her hand again for another slap, and this time his hand caught her wrist and forced her hand down. Thank Merlin she did not reach for her wand, Snape.

\"You will not speak to me this way, Minerva. You must understand, the secrets she gave me that day...entrusted only to me, I could not share. Until now. You\'d better sit down again.\"

\"I will not. Unhand me, you monster.\"

\"No. Here\'s the truth, Minerva. Hermione\'s father touches her inappropriately when she is at home -- he\'s done it for years -- and her mother knew, and never stopped him.\" He stepped menacingly close to his friend and glowered down at her. \"Now then. How was I to violate such a confidence as that, given under such circumstances?\"

\"And the scraping,\" Minerva breathed now, \"all the damage to her skin...revolved around that trauma?\"

\"It focuses on touching, on...cleanliness. She felt -- feels -- certain things are unclean, including herself, and so she must scrape away the filth. New skin is clean. Blood is clean. Minerva, she has no idea what a loving touch is all about.\" Nor did I, until Hermione, he thought to himself. Had Minerva struck me before I loved Hermione, I would have killed her without thinking. Without remorse, probably. Even with Angharad\'s training. Minerva loves me enough to hurt me, and be hurt by me. Even this slap was delivered out of love for me and love for Hermione.

Minerva was shaking her head. He released her now, and she returned to her chair and sank down. \"But -- but -- if her father -- Severus, why would she take you as her -- her -- and Ron --\"

\"Why did she take me as her lover? I will never completely understand that, I think. She\'s said things to me; mumbled them in her sleep, sometimes --\" At Minerva\'s hawkish look he had the grace to flush. \"I won\'t dissemble any longer. We slept together many times. She stayed in my rooms, all those nights you thought she was studying somewhere else. The sex...seemed to help her. Helped her control...something within her, I believe. Sex with me, and the druid training.\" He sat down again and rubbed his hands over his face tiredly. \"I thought at first she was confusing me with her father, making me into something different, something...horrible...something she couldn\'t escape, perhaps didn\'t want to escape. But she made herself clear on one point, that day we visited the Grangers, the day I learned to my cost how much like her father I am -- in the way that I love her, want her, need her mind and her body -- she was clear. I am not her father. She chose me herself. She was not confused, and had no illusions about me. I was unclean enough to be seduced by her, and yet clean enough to be her lover, to seduce her.\"

\"This is all very strange,\" Minerva said. \"Hard to take in. Severus, why did you get involved with her? She is your student. It\'s forbidden. Why didn\'t you simply come to me, as you have before?\"

His lips tightened. \"Because...because I needed her to waken my Circle. I needed her for my religion. I could not resist that, and it grew from there. It takes two, Minerva, male and female, to wake that Circle, to call down Needfire. It needn\'t involve sex, not for the moon rituals -- which is where we started! -- but it does take two.\" His hands clenched. \"I could not give that up, and so I kept her however I was able. On her terms.\"

Minerva stared at him. \"It\'s never simple with you, is it, Severus. You couldn\'t just be a Death Eater. You had to become a spy. You couldn\'t just be a druid, you had to involve your student. You couldn\'t just be a teacher at Hogwarts, you had to have a cause. What will you want next?\"

\"Here\'s the thing, Minerva. I want your help. I need to reach Potter, and Weasley, and Malfoy. The Circle provides protection, once it\'s awakened, to those within it. Even while they\'re outside the Circle, for a while, at least. I need to protect Voldemort\'s targets at Hogwarts. Hermione is safe enough for now, at St. Mungo\'s, but if she should return to Hogwarts, she\'ll need that protection as well.\"

\"You want to drag more students into this fantasy world of yours, this... religion?\"

\"Yes, and you as well. As I said...it takes two, male and female.\"

\"You\'ve gone mad, Severus. I think you should be in St. Mungo\'s with Hermione. No, I will not help you in this scheme of yours!\"

\"Just let me show you,\" he said. \"Just once, you and I. We will call the Needfire -- we can do it tonight, now, in fact, it needn\'t be dawn or dusk though those times are strongest. We will waken the Circle, and you will see. Voldemort has no knowledge of this new weapon against him, and the sooner we protect Potter and Malfoy from his predations, the better.\"

Minerva bridled and began to sputter. \"If you think I\'m going to -- to -- mate -- with you, Snape --\"

Back to Snape again, are we? \"I told you, wakening the Circle needn\'t involve sex. We won\'t be performing the ancient fertility rituals. Unlike Hermione, I\'m not taking you as my apprentice -- nor any of the others -- you won\'t be learning Druid ways. But you will learn to wake the Circle, and call the Needfire, and together we\'ll protect these children. Merlin knows, Dumbledore is doing enough to put them in harm\'s way; it\'s why he wouldn\'t transfer Hermione, why he kept her at Hogwarts after you discovered us. And now, Minerva...let me talk to you about Voldemort\'s plans, and you\'ll see exactly why you need to do as I say. We haven\'t much time...he\'s coming for everyone just before graduation this spring; I don\'t know why yet. But I\'m beginning to believe that he has a secret following at the school, and those students need to be as strong as possible in order to defeat the rest of us, which means they will continue with lessons until he\'s ready to strike.\"

\"Death Eater students, at Hogwarts?\" she whispered.

He spoke softly, as well. \"I think so, yes. You must remember, I was one once, my sixth and seventh years. But these students have been kept secret, even from me. I have to wonder how much Voldemort suspects me.\" Snape drew his chair closer to hers, and began to speak even more softly. \"Now...here are my plans, Hermione helped me to make them, and you must keep them secret from Dumbledore until I say you can tell him...\"