Reflections

The memories of his youth were painful. Even those that made him angry were enough to bring tears to his eyes. He knew now that Sirius would never have harmed him and would never have told a soul outside of their group what had happened that night. He knew that Lilly’s mistrust in him was not something she should have been considered at fault for, but a pretense of the futures events. He was not trustworthy. He knew now that she was much wiser than any of them had ever realized and maybe if James had listened to her (for he was sure she had told him about her suspicion of him) they would still be alive today.

He received his sentence shortly after being imprisoned. He accepted his fate soberly and knew it was the only right thing to do. He had been a terrible man, a despicable man. He loathed himself. The very thought of all of the horrid, evil things he had done sent his stomach into a lurch. He lowered himself to the cold, damp floor and cried what would be the first of many times this day. His sentence had been given to him and he accepted it. He knew the most terrible of punishments awaited him, yet he didn’t care. He was happy to spend the last remaining hours of his life remembering the days of his youth. It was bittersweet the way he could picture their young faces; the way that James and Lilly would look at each other, the way Sirius’ eyes would twinkle when he told a joke or was charming some young girl; the way Remus cocked his head to the side when he was deep in thought. All of these things were painful and yet strangely comforting.
His regrets, and he had many, fell down on him and weighed him down like a thousand wet blankets. He knew there was no way to change the past, but he wished for one last chance to apologize to all the people he’d hurt. He wanted to beg forgiveness from his friends; the ones he’d dishonored, the ones he’d left lonely, the ones that had trusted them with their lives. He wanted to beg Harry’s forgiveness for taking away the happiness that would have been his had he known how wonderful his parents were. He wanted to go to each family he had destroyed and ask them for his pardon. The regrets and grief washed over him suddenly and he was brought to tears by it. He knew in his heart that there was no way to ever make them understand the things he had done, because there was no excuse for it, but he would have liked to have tried. Everything he had done in his past was going to haunt him till his dying day.
He knew what would happen to him later this evening. His punishment was to receive the dementor’s kiss. He realized it was a most terrible thing, but at this point, he didn’t care. He would be left a shell of himself, alive only in body, not in spirit or mind. His crimes would visit him in his mind ten fold and he thought even this would not be enough. While he feared it, he welcomed the idea at the same time. With only his crimes reoccurring in his head, he wouldn’t be left with the sadness and shame of the memories of his childhood. The memories of the days with his friends were more painful than anything he could imagine and he wanted them gone.

**

It was their sixth year at Hogwarts and they had perfected the fine art of Animagi. They had been accompanying Remus during his transformations for the majority of the year and everything seemed fine. Their classes were getting more and more complex and studies seemed to be taking up most of their free time. Peter had nothing but good memories from their fifth year, but the words he had heard Sirius speak the year previous remained just at the back of his mind at all times. While James and Remus never treated him any different, he felt a definite cooling between himself and Sirius. Lilly, who it seemed had never trusted him, would hardly speak to him unless James was around. She would go out of her way to avoid him and even stopped going with them to their little clearing in the forest.

He had become obsessed with finding out more about some of the darker wizards and witches of their time. He spent hours on end researching and reading old issues of the paper trying to figure out what exactly they were doing that made them so powerful. The latest news of a Lord Voldermort seemed to be the most promising. He learned all he could about him and even played with the idea of trying to contact him. His weekends were usually spent scouring the restricted section at the library trying to find any lost or forbidden curse that might come in handy in the future. His friends noticed his sudden interest and questioned him about it.
“Why on earth would you want to know about such things, Peter?” Remus asked on day when he ran into him at the library. “I mean there are so many interesting things out there that aren’t evil or dark.”
Remus looked at him puzzled and Peter just shrugged.
“I think if one wants to be a good Auror or Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, one needs to be prepared. I find it fascinating,” he lied. He wasn’t about to let them know that he considered becoming one of these ‘Death Eaters’ he’d read so much about. Remus took his flimsy story as the truth and never asked about it again. In fact, he went straight to James and Sirius and told them that he thought Peter would be an excellent teacher. They agreed and decided to throw him a little party for finally making a decision about his future.

They met at the clearing a little before midnight on a warm spring night. The sky was a magnificent, deep purplish blue with a sprinkling of stars. The moon was days away from being full, so Remus could still join them. Lilly had accompanied them upon James’ insistence but acted none to happy to be there. They all sat around the thriving fire and started plaguing Peter with questions.
“Where do you plan to go to continue your studies?”
“What made you decide to become a teacher?”
“What do your parents think of this idea?”
The tossed questions at him repeatedly and he answered them happily. He was the center of their attention for once and he was glad.
So this is what it feels like to have people adore you, he thought. It made his ego grow and he was mastering the art of lying to a tee. Eventually, he would have to learn to earn trust and turn them against each other but that wasn’t for years to come.
They had a wonderful evening and decided to camp out that night. Lilly excused herself, and left the four of them alone. Having grown weary of their questions about his ‘teaching’ career, he confessed to being tired and suggested sleep. They all congratulated him again and retired for the evening.
He perfected the art of deceit slowly until everyone around him believed he would become the next Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts. His teachers even believed his story and him him unrestricted access to even the most forbidden of books in the library. His parents, believing his story, agreed to let him do almost anything he wished. He had a small taste of power and was hungry for more.
He continued his façade into their seventh and final year at Hogwarts. He could now be found walking along side James more often than Sirius and Lilly had warmed up to him enough to be with him alone in the same room. He spoke to her often about and and James’ plans for their future. He knew that James, Sirius and Remus all planned on becoming Aurors. She told him of their plans on marriage and how they wanted to start a family. He played the part of excited friend.
They all graduated and went their separate ways. Sirius, James and Remus all went off for training at the Ministry to become Aurors, although each was sent to a different part of the country. Peter spent this idle time alone plotting his own future. While everyone believed he was going into training to become a DADA professor, he had been secretly corresponding with Lord Voldermort, whose powers and control were starting to become a problem for the Ministry. He told his future master how he wished to be taken under his wing and taught all that he knew. He wished to one day be considered his top associate and even though he knew he was far from it, he would do what ever it meant to do so.
Three years passed when Peter received an invitation to James and Lilly’s wedding. He sent word to them that he would indeed be there and was ecstatic that they had finally decided to put their personal lives ahead of their professional ones.
By this time, Peter had been working secretly for Lord Voldermort for the past four years. He spent most of his time spying and would send information about any apparent actions to be taken against his master. Voldermort paid him handsomely and was pleased with his progression. Peter learned the ins and outs of Voldermorts intricate society. He became well known and people in their circle recognized him for his power and often bowed down to him. He was intoxicated with the overwhelming power of his position and thought there had to be something more he could do. This opportunity presented itself in the form of Lilly and James’ wedding.

He showed up at the wedding looking like someone who had immense fortune and great power. His school friends gathered around him and congratulated him on his successes, which he refused to go into great detail about. James had made Sirius his best man and Peter was glad. He wanted to just enjoy this moment. He’d been plotting his revenge against Sirius since the incident in their fourth year, but he never comprehended how this revenge would present its self.

Their reception was a rather lavish affair. There was food enough for an army and everything was perfect. James invited Peter to sit at the table with the other members of the wedding party and he accepted. He knew they had all been Aurors at some point and was hoping to get atle tle information. He didn’t interject much, but listened with keen ears. Nothing could have prepared him for what he heard.
“I swear James, if you and Lilly don’t do something, eventually he’s going to catch up with you. You did capture one of his top men,” Sirius said nervously. James gave him a weak grin.
“Siri, you don’t really think we’re in any immediate danger do you? I mean it’s been months since anyone has spotted Vrmorrmort in this area, and there haven’t been any attacks on muggles since we captured his advisor. I mean, I’m sure he’ll resurface eventually, but I think he’s gone into hiding for a while,” James added.
“I just don’t know. Remus said that there has been an awful lot of activity to the south, but it’s moving north. We both think you and Lilly are in a great deal of danger.”
James looked at Sirius and grinned.
“Since when is it your place to worry? I thought we left that all to Remus,” he quipped. “Besides, this is a happy day and I won’t hear of any more talk of work. It’s completely depressing. Now would you belt up so we can have a good time?” James pleaded.
Sirius looked at him for a moment then laughed.
There was more small talk, about their work, but nothing that struck Peter as particularly important. However, he stuffed the information to the back of his mind, keeping it just below the surface of his main thoughts in case it would come in handy later.
The day wore on and James and Lilly we leaving for their honeymoon. They gave Peter their new address and told him not to be a stranger. James told him it had better not be another three or four years before he saw him again. Peter agreed that he would visit frequently and they parted ways again.

A little over a year after their wedding, James and Lilly had Harry. Peter had made weekly visits to the Potters because he found some of their talk of work had come in handy. He had passed some information on to his master and he was pleased. Voldermort told him to keep close tabs on them and he agreed obediently. He moved to a small cottage about a kilometer from the Potters and they seemed delighted. Peter would go over finneinner, watch Harry for Lilly on occasion and there were times he even cooked dinner for them and Sirius and Remus after their long nights in the trenches hunting Death Eaters.

There were moments he reconsidered his position with his master, but every time the thought flashed across his mind, he recalled the times that someone had crossed his master. Their torture (some of which he had participated in) was just to make them think that they would live. Anyone who betrayed Voldermort had a single fate, death.

After a particularly long night for his friends the Aurors, they returned to the Potters’ home, covered in mud and blood. Sirius and Remus were carrying James who had, among other wounds, a large gash across his side. They laid him down on the small sofa and immediately started tending to him. Lilly came out with Harry and handed him to Peter. She started cleaning James up while the others started the slow process of mending his wounds. Several times, James lost consciousness from the pain. Over an hour later, they were satisfied with what they had accomplished and carried him to bed to rest. Sirius, Remus and Lilly returned to the large living room where Peter had already cleaned up the trails of mud and blood.
“How could he be so stupid?” Sirius spat. Peter’s ears perked up at the thought of more possible information.
“He wasn’t being stupid. Foolish yes, but not stupid. He was doing his job. I can’t believe he tried that alone,” Remus said pointedly. He sat and fidgeted with the opening of his robes. Sirius sat next to him while Lilly put Harry to bed. They sat in silence for a moment before Peter chanced asking what had happened.
“It wasn’t pretty,” Remus started. “We found a local hideout that Voldermort has been using. James decided to try to break into it and get whatever information he could. He figured there would be something in there that might be useful to us. He broke into the house and was rummaging around when Voldermort himself walked in. Luckily, we were also in the house and heard a commotion from the other room. He had Voldermort around the neck with his wand pointed directly at him. James just kept telling him to give him a reason to do it, make one move and I believe he would have killed him on the spot. There was a lot of confusion and the next thing we knew, Voldermort was cackling something about this not being the last we’d seen of him. It was the strangest thing I’d ever seen. He could have just as easily killed us all but for some reason, we all walked out. Well…James didn’t walk but he’s alive. It’s just so curious…” his voice trailed off.
Sirius collaborated his story and they sat talking about the incident until the sun started rising above the horizon. Peter left them all sitting there, telling them that he was exhausted. He told them the usual ‘if you need anything you just find me’ speech before he left and went home to contact his master.
Upon entering his house, he saw several messages were left for him. To the average person, they would appear to be just blank pieces of parchment, but he knew this meant that his master had contacted him. He opened them, pulled out his wand and touched it to the paper while whispering a few words. The words appeared as though they were pouring from the tip of the wand.
He read over their contents. His master told him of the episode he’d just heard of and was incredibly distraught that one of his hideouts had been found. The only reason he let them leave with their lives is because he thought this one man would be particularly enjoyable to torture. His master requested as much information as Peter could give him, and he wanted the exact location of the man he had wounded. He really didn’t care about the other two but he wanted Potter. His master went into great detail about what would happen and his reasons behind it. While Peter thought it odd that one Auror would be so important, he settled down at his desk and began writing his correspondence to Voldermort. He gave him every detail that he could about James and his family. He hesitated telling him about Harry, but figured even the smallest detail left out would be the one that he’d regret not telling. He wrote for what felt like hours and when he was satisfied with his post, he sent it off by way of his trusty owl and fell into a deep slumber in his large overstuffed chair.
Sometime in the early afternoon, he felt someone standing over him. His eyes fluttered open to see Sirius staring down at him. Before he knew what was happening, Sirius had him by the shirt and slammed him against the wall.
“Dirty filthy turn coat! You despicable piece of trash,” he spat in Peters face. Sirius held him up with one hand and grabbed Peter’s wand in the other. He tossed it across the room and before Peter could object, he felt a large fist connect with his cheek. He struggled to break free from his grasp, but found it next to impossible. Sirius swung again but Peter moved and it hit his shoulder. He could feel his eye begin to swell and the blood was trickling from his lip. He swung at Black blindly and felt his fist hit him on the head. This seemed to anger him even more and he shook Peter violently, finally throwing him to the floor as hard as he could.
“So how long did you think you’d get away with it? Did you really think we wouldn’t find you out?” Sirius hissed at him. He could say nothing, and Sirius continued. “You’re disgusting. We’re your friends and this is how you treat us? Why don’t you just walk your master right up to our doors?” he yelled.
Before Peter could reply, a large foot came out and kicked him in the side. He curled up on the floor, the wind knocked out of him. Sirius walked over to his desk and grabbed the letters from Voldermort and tossed them at Peter, still lying on the floor. Before Sirius said another word, he realized what had happened and regretted it instantly. He’d forgotten to clear the pages orn thn them before falling to sleep. He figured Sirius must have come over not long ago, found and read them, and then woke him. He wondered what Sirius would be doing over here, but would find the answer soon enough.
“I came over here to tell you that James was doing well and to ask you if you would like to come out with us tonight. Of course, I see now why you’d never come with us. You didn’t want to fight your own kind. What a filthy rotten traitor you turned out to be. I should have suspected it of you though. You never were a very strong person, never stuck up for yourself. You’ve always expected someone else to take care of you. Well you’ve got it now. The darkest wizard ever to walk the earth, and he’s your mentor,” he said angrily. He started pacing as Peter regained his composure. Peter knew what he’d have to do but he didn’t have much time and would have to act fast. He looked around the room and found where Black had tossed his wand. He positioned himself directly in front of it, all the while keeping his eyes on Black. He managed to get to his feet with out Sirius noticing and stayed crouched down until he needed to spring. Extending his wand hand he took one last glance at his wand and then to Sirius.
He summoned enough strength to get his wand to slowly creep towards him, pausing only when Sirius was facing him. In one last pull, the wand found its way to his hand and he pulled his hand up into rob robes, hiding the wand. Slowly and softly, he started speaking to Black.
“Siri, listen, I know this looks terrible. You have to let me explain what’s happening,” he said, trying to reason with him.
“Do NOT call me Siri! That is something that my FRIENDS call me. You know what friends are don’t you? Oh wait! Apparently you don’t. Friends don’t turn each other over to their enemies. Friends don’t betray each other. What am I wasting my time with you for? I’m taking these,” he said shaking a couple of his master’s letters in his face “to the Ministry and letting them deal with you. You never were one of us were you? You filthy traitor,” he said just before he spat on him. Peter thought this would be perfect timing and waited for Sirius to start pacing again. As soon as his back was turned, he aimed his wand at him and screamed, “Stupify!” and watched as the stunned Sirius Black tumbled to the floor. He saw that Black was indeed stunned and stuffed him into a closet. He took his wand and tossed it outside where he was sure he’d never find it. He knew he’d have to act quickly because this was a temporary spell. Closing the door and charming the lock with something that would take nothing short of a miracle to open, he grabbed his master’s letters and managed to change the name on them to Sirius, instead of his own. He apperated directly to the Potters’ home and entered without knocking. Lilly and James looked at him in shock. Baby Harry sat in his father’s lap and held his arms out to what he thought was a friend. Peter ignored him and told James he needed to talk to them urgently. James placed Harry in the floor and Peter began his string of lies about the events that had just occurred. By the time he was finished and had showed them the letters, James was pacing furiously and Lilly was in tears and muttering about trusting him. What he did next would please his master.
“James, I know you were going to make Sirius your Secret Keeper. Did you ever get this done?” he asked with false concern. James looked to Lilly and she nodded.
“No, Peter, we never got around to it. We’d just tossed the idea around a little last night, but we’ve never had a need to do it. Do we have that need now?” he asked.
“I’m afraid so James. You will have to go into hiding now. He’s alerted Voldermort of your whereabouts and he could come after all of you at any time. I’d just hao seo see my friends destroyed like that. I’ve heard he’s terribly cruel. I don’t want to see you suffer. You can make me your Secret Keeper. I would rather die than see any harm come to you.”
He mustered up some tears to show his sincerity and James walked up and embraced him.
“Wormtail, old friend. I’d be honored to have you as a Secret Keeper. Lilly?” he looked to his wife. Still in shock, she hesitated only momentarily and then nodded her agreement. “Then it’s settled. We’ll perform it immediately.”

They set about the task of making him their Secret Keeper. They sent word out to Remus to be careful of Black. When it was all said and done, he was a hero to his old friends. He left them, now in hiding, and their whereabouts known only to him.

**

The events that had unfolded after that moment were just as clear today as they were all those years ago. He slid to the floor again and wept. If only he’d let Sirius finish him off or take him to the Ministry then, nothing would have come of the Potters. Harry wouldn’t be parentless, Sirius and Remus might still have their dear friends, and his former master might have been finished off and never returned. He cried for the lost trust and the lives of all those he destroyed. He cried for making his friends turn on each other. Mostly he cried because he knew that that this torture would end soon. He wanted the kiss to be performed immediately but they were making him suffer with his guilt and memories. It was as if they knew he would inflict more pain upon himself than any dementor could do. He sobbed himself into a sort of stupor and finally fell asleep.

He woke to the sounds of someone walking towards his cell. He sat there apprehensively, knowing that the only person it could be would be the person to lead him to his fate. He stood up and brushed himself off as best as he could. He knew, in a short time, he would no longer be able to punish himself with his memories and he was thankful. While he feared what was going to happen, he also welcomed it. It meant the end of the daydreams of his younger days and that he would no longer have to see them all happy and healthy.
The footfalls stopped in front of his cell. He heard the man utter a few words, then the door swung open. It was the Minister of Magic, Cornelius Fudge and accompanying him were at least four dementors. He approached them slowly and told him what was about to take place. He nodded his agreement when Fudge asked if he understood and was then led down a long corridor to an awaiting room.
“Do you have any final requests, Pettigrew?” Fudge asked.
Peter thought about this and nodded.
“Yes sir. I’d like a quill and ink and some parchment. I have some people I’d like to write to before all of this. There are some things I need to tell people,” he said soberly.
Fudge considered this request and then nodded his agreement. He left and returned shortly after with a small stack of parchment, a quill and some ink. Peter told him he would need about an hour and Fudge left him alone.

Peter sat in the chair wondering whom all he should write to. After much consideration, he started by writing an apology to his parents. They had been through so much, and he’d been the cause of it all. Next, he wrote to the local paper and told them his whole story, making it a point to show that Sirius Black never was guilty of being anything more than true friends to the Potters. After much deliberation, he wrote his final letter to Harry Potter. He told him is long pathetic story then tried to explain his actions. He knew there was no explaining it without showing that he was weak, but that was fine, as long as the boy knew. He told Harry about his parents and how wonderful they were. He begged for forgiveness and started sobbing towards the end of his letter. He told Harry that he didn’t expect mercy or understanding, but it was something he had to do if he were to clear his conscience. He told him no matter what his punishment, it would never be enough for making those around him suffer.
Everything he had thought of the last few hours he tried to squeeze into a few sheets of parchment. Before he knew it, his hour was up and Fudge was returning to him. He handed the letters to Fudge and told them to whom they needed to be delivered. Fudge handed the letters to someone else and the little man whisked away down the corridor.
“Follow me please,” Fudge said in a soft but demanding tone. Peter did as he was told. He followed the Minister down a long and winding hall, which ended at a large circular room. There were rows and rows of seating in the far end of the room. In the center of the room sat a solitary chair. He knew his fate awaited him in that chair. Fudge led him to it and secured him. Looking up, he saw his parents and several other people seated in the long rows. His mother was sobbing uncontrollably and his father had his arm around her trying futilely to comfort her. It broke his heart to see them like this.
He let his mind wander back to his first day at Hogwarts as Fudge read the charges and punishment that was Peter’s. He saw their young faces, so full of energy and hope for their futures. He saw James and Lilly on their wedding day. He pictured Sirius with his flock of female admirers. He saw Remus pouring over a stack of parchment or some book. He felt the tears welling up in his eyes but didn’t try to stop or hide them. They fell freely to his shirt. When Fudge had finished with his decree, he turned on Peter.
“Mr. Pettigrew, do you have any last words?” he asked.
Peter nodded.
“I’d just like to say I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused everyone that has been in my life. I know the words don’t sound like much, but you have to know, I mean them from the depths of my soul.”
With that being said, he hung his head in shame and awaited his destiny. He saw the dementor walk out of a room that was to the left of him. It swooped over to him quickly. Peter saw it raise its dead looking hands to its hood and lower it slowly. What he saw made him want to scream, but he suppressed it and almost welcomed it. It lowered its face to his own and he felt a rush of cold over his entire being. The last thing he thought, before becoming a mere shell of himself, was how he deserved every bit of this…and more.
~*The End*~