how do you explain to someone

~~ I wrote this to kind of start letting go of my own rape from 2 years ago. If it seems like it was writen with a feeling of distachment than that\'s why. it\'s really only Hermione. It takes place sometime after \"The Dark Lord\" is dead. You can riticule all you like because I don\'t care what you think about it. But I would love to hear valid comments too. Anyways on with the show!

*~*~* Once again thank you to everyone who had read this and reviwed or just read it. I\'m glad some of you think this is well writen, cause to be honest it\'s far from my best writing.Happy Happy. Lots of Love and have a Ducky Day.


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I can still hear them yelling at me to open the fucking door. They threatened and they cursed, but nothing would get me to open the door, not to them or anyone else in the world. I didn’t want to look at them I didn’t want to tell them, I didn’t want anything to do with them. If I had to I would have stayed in the bathroom all night. They told me they were leaving and that I could come out, and I would be alone. I heard the door open and close. I waited for five minutes before I got up washed my face to reduce the tear stained look and left my save haven in the bathroom.

I opened the door slowly just an inch or so to see if they were standing in front of the door, then a little farther so I stick my head out and see if they were tricking me and were by the sides of the bathroom. When I didn’t see them I felt safe enough to go back to the room area, just my luck I found them sitting on the beds waiting for me to explain to them what happened and why I just flipped out on them. My knees were jell-o, my stomach was liquid, and my head was spinning like the tea cup ride. So many questions were going around in my head. Do I tell them the truth? YES, THEY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS! But if they are your best friends why weren’t they their when you need them the most? They are here now that’s all that matters, they can help you pick up the pieces of you screwed up life and make sense of it. Where do you start? At the beginning of what happened of course. Do you tell them all of it or part of it? Tell them the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Will they understand? Will they still want to be your friend? What is ultimately going to happen when you tell them? So many questions but not enough answers, at least not enough for me.

Before they even had a chance to demand too much information from me I made it clear the story was long, we weren’t going to go clubbing tonight and we might as well change in to our jams. What shocked them the most is that I just when to my suit case undressed and put on my jams. While I chanced they go the chance to see the scars on my back from the bigots who thought they had the right to touch me. They also saw the scars from my cutting, and bruises that were finally about to disappear. Soon they followed my lead and got into what they wore for bed, instead of usual boxers they were wearing a pair of p.j. pants. I asked them if they wanted anything to drink, water, coco, or butter beer that Ron had brought. Once we all decided on butter beer I decided it was time to give them the rings as part of the explanation. I went to the night stand by my bed and brought back with me three velvet pouches. They stared at me in total silences, just waiting for me to say, or do something. I gave them their respected pouch, and began to cry again. Not knowing if I was ready or if I wanted to start. Ron and Harry got up and surrounded me hugging me and encompassing me from all sides. They kept telling me that everything was alright nothing was going to harm me and that they loved me. They always had loved me and they always will that they would never leave me alone unless I demanded it to be so.
With my courage back, I decided it was now or never. We all sat down again. I told them to open the pouches, as they did I explained to them that I wanted to give them both a gift that would tie us together forever. Harry’s ring was gold with emeralds all round the band. Between the emeralds were little engravings of snitches. Ron’s ring, while similar to Harry’s because it, was gold and had sapphires in it instead of emeralds. The jeweler had managed to engrave a bunch of little phoenixes into Ron’s ring like I had wanted. My ring was gold like the both of theirs, it had amber in it. I hadn’t known what to engrave on my ring but had finally decided to have the Gryffindor lion. I told them that the fact that the rings were done in gold was a joke in itself, being that everyone called us the golden trio. It was lame but that’s how I decided to go with gold bands over silver. I also thought the little joke would help us loosen the tension level. With the rings given out I knew it was time for the rest of my story.

I told them how I had been looking for that perfect gift for them. That’s why I had been wandering around London so late. I told them about being jumped from behind and the rape I told them of everything that had gone threw my head. I told them what that one nasty man said about me not trying to fight. It got to the point were I couldn’t look at their faces so I detached myself from my feelings and everything around me. Ron got sick when I told him and Harry about the rape. Harry just sat there quietly not saying anything. I couldn’t tell what was going threw his mind; he was totally closed off to the world. I explained to them how I hated and and the damn rings. How I blamed it on them that I was where I was and raped. That they weren’t with me to protect me, and that nothing would ever be ok again. I painted them the picture of coming home to an empty house to find a note saying my parents were out having a fine old time out on then town. About washing and washing but never feeling clean. How I finally found some relieve from the cutting. Just seeing the blood and knowing I was still alive for the time being. When I was finally done talking and explaining everything to them we sat in the extremely quite room while they digested what I just told them. It was so quite you could have heard a pin drop.

Silently Harry started to cry. I didn’t notice at first until I saw him trying to wipe away his tears. I didn’t know what to do or say; finally I managed to ask him what was wrong. He told me that I should hate him and Ron because they should have been there to protect me. That never should I have had to feel such pain and loss as I had that night. All this time Ron was silent. When he finally spoke it was of anger and ignorance. His voice was so calm, but it was too steady and too clear of emotion. He called me a slut and a whore. Telling me I deserved what I got. That I should have thought more about how I was dressed. I yelled at him and questioned him about what if it had been Ginny instead of me, would he tell her then same thing? Again all too calmly he stated yes he would. I snapped I didn’t know what I was doing, but all my anger and my hurt and frustration came out in that one moment when I started to beat the shit out of Ron for saying all he had. He was practically implying that I was askin be be raped that I wanted it and that I enjoyed it. Further more when he said if I had been his own little sister that he would blame her instead of the monster that hurt her I lost all control. I finally realized what I was doing when I hit Harry instead of Ron. No I hadn’t meant to hit Harry but he got in the way while trying to stop me before I killed Ron. I went into shock. I almost just killed one of my best friends, yes he was an ass but he was still my friend. I was as still as stone while Harry placed some quick healing spells on Ron. Someone helped me back to my seat and handed me a new butter beer. Ron sat in his own chair and just glared at me not saying a thing.

Harry disappeared for a short time only to come back with my parents trailing behind him. I didn’t know if I should be mad or happy. Once again I had to go threw what happened to me. My parents offered me the comfort that I needed; they didn’t blame themselves or me. They told me everything was going to be ok, that I would get the help that I needed.

That’s why I’m here now. I’m getting the help that I needed. My parents and I started to see a counselor. Her name is Dr. Rue, she is really good. She asked me to write down everything that happened from the rape to the night I told everyone. Not only is she a witch but she also lives in the muggle world, it makes thing easier to talk about. She understands all part of my life. With the help of her and the ones that love me I will be able to move on someday.

Just a little side fact, Ron and Harry are both seeing Dr. Rue too. We all have issues that we need to work through. Ron no longer blames me, he understand it to some degree now. And is finally starting to dealing with his brother’s deaths. Harry doesn’t believe that he should have been there to protect me or that I should hate him. He is learning to deal with all the deaths that he had been blaming himself for. My parents are still standing by me giving my love and comfort that I need. Things are getting better, and as my grandpa used to say…everything will be ok in the end, if things are ok then it isn’t the end. I think it’s safe to say we are all almost at the end of this journey and will be heading out on our next, no matter what life throws our way.