Harry Potter and the Unauthorized Biography
folder
Harry Potter › General
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
4
Views:
1,053
Reviews:
2
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
Harry Potter › General
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
4
Views:
1,053
Reviews:
2
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
laughing, gnome style
INT: LITTLE GIRL’S BEDROOM
PANSY
And we met Harry Potter. Draco always got what he wanted.
CUT TO
INT: DRESSING ROOM. NIGHT. 2000
We see Draco and gang hovering in the doorway of a large, large backstage area. Harry Potter is lounging on a green plastic couch. He is chatting with Hermione (who is in an expensive suit) and Ron (who is wearing a BallyCastle Bats uniform.)
DRACO
You…
HARRY
Huh? Whuh?
DRACO
I like the trousers, Potter. Nice to know even poor cows are willing to die so your ugly arse can be covered.
HARRY
Love the hair, Malfoy. You look like Barbie.
DRACO
(sneers)
Well, I don't know who she is, but this is a very expensive cut. Some of us actually bother to go to the hairdresser once in awhile.
HERMIONE
Both of you-
DRACO
Keep out of it, Mudblood.
HARRY
Here, Malfoy, you better take that back.
Draco laughs obnoxiously.
MALFOY, I'm WARNING you.
Draco smirks.
HARRY
I still don't understand how a little shrimp like you thinks he can goundound insulting everyone. Especially when, well (Harry laughs) your family is nothing to be proud of.
Draco launches himself at Harry with a snarl. He pulls Harry off the couch and jumps on him, knocking him to the floor. Draco pounds on Harry with his little fists. Harry fights back, but Draco is determined. Suddenly, Draco's wiggling causes a different reaction. They both freeze and gasp at the same time.
HARRY
Draco-uh-don't move, okay?
DRACO
I wasn't planning on it.
HARRY
Hey, everyone, Draco and I need to talk- privately.
As they leave, Draco whispers
DRACO
Hey-this is a bit um-sudden.
HARRY
We shouldn't really be surprised.
DRACO
No, no, we shouldn't. (nibbles on Harry's ear) We're both unbelievably hot, why did it take us both so long to notice? You want to shag right here, or make an appointment to do it later?
HARRY
I'm free now.
DRACO
(snappishly)
Well, I'm not. I can squeeze you in around three pm tomorrow. Is that alright?"
CUT TO
EXT: NIGHT. MUGGLE FAIRGROUNDS. 2000.
Harry and Draco ride in little cars attached to a fairground ride. Harry lip syncs "Broomstick of Love" to the tune of "Satelite of Love" by Lou Reed. The colored lights spin and melt together until it appears as if Harry and Draco's cars have detached themselves from the ride and gone off on their own.
Broomstick flies, up to the skies
Your broomstick drives me out of my mind
I watch every time
I like to watch your maneuvers
Broomstick of love
(bop bop bop)
Broomstick of love
Broomsticks can go really far
Broomsticks are as fast as cars
I want to ride your broomstick
I've never seen a broomstick so big
Broomstick of love
(bop bop bop)
Broomstick of love
Broomstick of love
(bop bop bop)
Broomstick of love
I've been told, that you've been bold
With Seamus, Dean and Ron
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday through Thursday
With Seamus, Dean and Ron.
As the song ends, Harry and Draco depart from the ride. Looking a bit green, Draco promptly throws up all over Harry's shoes.
PANSY (voice over)
(we see shots of Harry and Draco in glamorous clothing, walking through a crowd of reporters and groupies. They climb the steps of a building and go inside. Just as they enter, Harry drapes his arm around Draco's shoulders. )
Right away he started promoting them like a pair of 1940s starlets. A Britney and Justin for the alternative rock crowd. A Kid Rock and Sherryl Crow, a Curt Cobain and Courtney Love, a Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani..
COLIN
I get the picture.
INT: LITTLE GIRL’S BEDROOM. DAY. 2002
Come to rest on a CLOSE UP of a Draco Malfoy doll. Opposite, a Harry doll stands. Two little English girls are playing out a love scene.
HARRY DOLL
I know I’m supposed to hate you, but I just can’t anymore
DRACO DOLL
I’ve always been jealous of you..I wante be be you. And now I feel so-so-Harry, I think I’m in-
HARRY DOLL
(comes up behind him and puts a plastic hand on his shoulder)
I know.
Draco Doll turns to him and kisses him passionately. They sink out of the frame.
CUT TO
AN EXPENSIVE HOTEL, DAY 2002.
The entire entourage is gathered in a gilded room, speaking to reporters. Draco’s group is all dressed in 17th centuary costumes, heavily made up. They answer questions from the reporters by using quotes.
LOCKHART
As you think, so you Are. As you imagine, so you Become.
PANSY
Drama is life with the dull bits left out.
GINNY
I think people should be free to engage in any sexual practices they choose. They should draw the line at goats though.
BLAISE
I wanna live until I die. No more, no less.
RANDOM VEELA FROM VENUS
Sex appeal is %50 what you've got and %50 what people think you've got.
RANDOM VEELA #2
It doesn't matter what you are, it matters what people think you are.
RANDOM VEELA #3
(leaning her face into the camera and looking serious)
In the end, everything is a gag.
The lights come up and a spotlight lands on Draco. Draco is wearing a shimmery frock coat and pants. A top hat is perched on his head and he holds a cane . We hear loud circus music briefly as Ginny holds up a giant cue card.
GINNY
(enunciating loudly)
But words are things, and a small drop of ink,
Falling like dew, upon a thought, produces
That which makes thousands, perhaps millions, think.
Spotlight pans over a crowd of reporters in a gallery.
REPORTER 1
Draco! Your musical ideas are always such a surprise. How do you do it?
DRACO
(smiles)
Expectations is the place you must always go to before you get to where you're going. Of course, some people never go beyond Expectations, but my job is to hurry them along whether they like it or not.
REPORTER 2
Did you always want to be a rock singer?
DRACO
I have the same goal I’ve had ever since I was a little girl. I want to rule the world.
REPORTER
What makes your music different? Many people claim it "doesn't make any sense".
DRACO
Truly fertile Music, the only kind that will move us, that we shall truly appreciate, will be a Music conducive to Dream, which banishes all reason and analysis. One must not wish first to understand and then to feel. Art does not tolerate Reason.
Harry pushes his way through the crowd. He is dressed in a variation of Draco's outfit, only in gold instead of er. er. His hat is in the shape of a large cucumber slice. He carries a tray with two crystal champagne glasses on it.
HARRY
Excuse me, comin' through.
He reaches the dais and hands Draco a glass with a sweeping arm gesture. They clink glasses and drink, staring adoringly at each other.
A toast! To the most beautiful wizard in Britain!
DRACO
(smiles)
Oh, don't everyone look so shocked.
HARRY
(strokes Draco's cheek and says in a voice only Draco can hear)
There is sublime thieving in all giving. Someone gives us all he has and we are his
DRACO
(equally softly)
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you risk even more.
THEY KISS PASSIONATELY AS CAMERAS FLASH AROUND THEM.
PANSY
And we met Harry Potter. Draco always got what he wanted.
CUT TO
INT: DRESSING ROOM. NIGHT. 2000
We see Draco and gang hovering in the doorway of a large, large backstage area. Harry Potter is lounging on a green plastic couch. He is chatting with Hermione (who is in an expensive suit) and Ron (who is wearing a BallyCastle Bats uniform.)
DRACO
You…
HARRY
Huh? Whuh?
DRACO
I like the trousers, Potter. Nice to know even poor cows are willing to die so your ugly arse can be covered.
HARRY
Love the hair, Malfoy. You look like Barbie.
DRACO
(sneers)
Well, I don't know who she is, but this is a very expensive cut. Some of us actually bother to go to the hairdresser once in awhile.
HERMIONE
Both of you-
DRACO
Keep out of it, Mudblood.
HARRY
Here, Malfoy, you better take that back.
Draco laughs obnoxiously.
MALFOY, I'm WARNING you.
Draco smirks.
HARRY
I still don't understand how a little shrimp like you thinks he can goundound insulting everyone. Especially when, well (Harry laughs) your family is nothing to be proud of.
Draco launches himself at Harry with a snarl. He pulls Harry off the couch and jumps on him, knocking him to the floor. Draco pounds on Harry with his little fists. Harry fights back, but Draco is determined. Suddenly, Draco's wiggling causes a different reaction. They both freeze and gasp at the same time.
HARRY
Draco-uh-don't move, okay?
DRACO
I wasn't planning on it.
HARRY
Hey, everyone, Draco and I need to talk- privately.
As they leave, Draco whispers
DRACO
Hey-this is a bit um-sudden.
HARRY
We shouldn't really be surprised.
DRACO
No, no, we shouldn't. (nibbles on Harry's ear) We're both unbelievably hot, why did it take us both so long to notice? You want to shag right here, or make an appointment to do it later?
HARRY
I'm free now.
DRACO
(snappishly)
Well, I'm not. I can squeeze you in around three pm tomorrow. Is that alright?"
CUT TO
EXT: NIGHT. MUGGLE FAIRGROUNDS. 2000.
Harry and Draco ride in little cars attached to a fairground ride. Harry lip syncs "Broomstick of Love" to the tune of "Satelite of Love" by Lou Reed. The colored lights spin and melt together until it appears as if Harry and Draco's cars have detached themselves from the ride and gone off on their own.
Broomstick flies, up to the skies
Your broomstick drives me out of my mind
I watch every time
I like to watch your maneuvers
Broomstick of love
(bop bop bop)
Broomstick of love
Broomsticks can go really far
Broomsticks are as fast as cars
I want to ride your broomstick
I've never seen a broomstick so big
Broomstick of love
(bop bop bop)
Broomstick of love
Broomstick of love
(bop bop bop)
Broomstick of love
I've been told, that you've been bold
With Seamus, Dean and Ron
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday through Thursday
With Seamus, Dean and Ron.
As the song ends, Harry and Draco depart from the ride. Looking a bit green, Draco promptly throws up all over Harry's shoes.
PANSY (voice over)
(we see shots of Harry and Draco in glamorous clothing, walking through a crowd of reporters and groupies. They climb the steps of a building and go inside. Just as they enter, Harry drapes his arm around Draco's shoulders. )
Right away he started promoting them like a pair of 1940s starlets. A Britney and Justin for the alternative rock crowd. A Kid Rock and Sherryl Crow, a Curt Cobain and Courtney Love, a Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani..
COLIN
I get the picture.
INT: LITTLE GIRL’S BEDROOM. DAY. 2002
Come to rest on a CLOSE UP of a Draco Malfoy doll. Opposite, a Harry doll stands. Two little English girls are playing out a love scene.
HARRY DOLL
I know I’m supposed to hate you, but I just can’t anymore
DRACO DOLL
I’ve always been jealous of you..I wante be be you. And now I feel so-so-Harry, I think I’m in-
HARRY DOLL
(comes up behind him and puts a plastic hand on his shoulder)
I know.
Draco Doll turns to him and kisses him passionately. They sink out of the frame.
CUT TO
AN EXPENSIVE HOTEL, DAY 2002.
The entire entourage is gathered in a gilded room, speaking to reporters. Draco’s group is all dressed in 17th centuary costumes, heavily made up. They answer questions from the reporters by using quotes.
LOCKHART
As you think, so you Are. As you imagine, so you Become.
PANSY
Drama is life with the dull bits left out.
GINNY
I think people should be free to engage in any sexual practices they choose. They should draw the line at goats though.
BLAISE
I wanna live until I die. No more, no less.
RANDOM VEELA FROM VENUS
Sex appeal is %50 what you've got and %50 what people think you've got.
RANDOM VEELA #2
It doesn't matter what you are, it matters what people think you are.
RANDOM VEELA #3
(leaning her face into the camera and looking serious)
In the end, everything is a gag.
The lights come up and a spotlight lands on Draco. Draco is wearing a shimmery frock coat and pants. A top hat is perched on his head and he holds a cane . We hear loud circus music briefly as Ginny holds up a giant cue card.
GINNY
(enunciating loudly)
But words are things, and a small drop of ink,
Falling like dew, upon a thought, produces
That which makes thousands, perhaps millions, think.
Spotlight pans over a crowd of reporters in a gallery.
REPORTER 1
Draco! Your musical ideas are always such a surprise. How do you do it?
DRACO
(smiles)
Expectations is the place you must always go to before you get to where you're going. Of course, some people never go beyond Expectations, but my job is to hurry them along whether they like it or not.
REPORTER 2
Did you always want to be a rock singer?
DRACO
I have the same goal I’ve had ever since I was a little girl. I want to rule the world.
REPORTER
What makes your music different? Many people claim it "doesn't make any sense".
DRACO
Truly fertile Music, the only kind that will move us, that we shall truly appreciate, will be a Music conducive to Dream, which banishes all reason and analysis. One must not wish first to understand and then to feel. Art does not tolerate Reason.
Harry pushes his way through the crowd. He is dressed in a variation of Draco's outfit, only in gold instead of er. er. His hat is in the shape of a large cucumber slice. He carries a tray with two crystal champagne glasses on it.
HARRY
Excuse me, comin' through.
He reaches the dais and hands Draco a glass with a sweeping arm gesture. They clink glasses and drink, staring adoringly at each other.
A toast! To the most beautiful wizard in Britain!
DRACO
(smiles)
Oh, don't everyone look so shocked.
HARRY
(strokes Draco's cheek and says in a voice only Draco can hear)
There is sublime thieving in all giving. Someone gives us all he has and we are his
DRACO
(equally softly)
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you risk even more.
THEY KISS PASSIONATELY AS CAMERAS FLASH AROUND THEM.