Memoirs of a Potions Master and his Know-It-All

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Harry Potter world, unfortunately. That honor goes to J.K. Rowling.

The Beard

Severus and Hermione were making their way from their quarters to the Great Hall for dinner. Hootie, their personal house elf that Hogwarts supplied them with, informed the Snapes that tonight was Pot Roast night. The married couple frequently ate together in their quarters during the summer months, since it wasn't required that they attend dinners in the Great Hall until, the students came back to the castle. Severus never missed dining in the Great Hall when the house-elves made their delicious Pot Roast; it was his favorite meal. There would be no private dining tonight.

Chatting about the articles in the new potions journal, Severus and Hermione climbed the dungeon stairs, and emerged into the Entrance Hall to see Professors Hooch, Sprout, Vector and Flitwick running towards the huge oak front doors leading outside.

"Hey, what's going on?" Hermione quickly asked, before they were out of earshot.

"Oh, Sybill has done it again!" Hooch cackled merrily. "We were upstairs in the library, and I looked out the window to see Albus trying to catch Sybill as she ran down to the lake."

"So? What's wrong with Sybill going to the lake?" Hermione asked.

"She was half dressed," wheezed Hooch, her yellow eyes tearing up from laughing so hard.

"Oh, Gods, part of me wants to see the old dingbat embarrass herself, but the other part of me wants to gag," Severus said, with a grimace on his face.

"Well, come along and you can see her and gag if you want, but this is just too funny to miss," Vector added.

The rest of the staff was already on the lawn, by the edge of the lake, where Sybill stood swaying her bony body to some non-existent music that apparently only she could hear. The Divination professor was clutching a bottle of sherry in one hand and was trying to unclasp the front closure on her bra with the other. Albus was waving his hands in front of him, trying to persuade Sybill to stop what she was doing.

"SEVERUS!! This is for you, my sweet," Sybill crooned in her singsong voice, as she finally managed to unhook her bra. It flew apart sideways, as if it was spring loaded, and her plum sized breasts sagged down, swinging as her body danced. Hermione looked around, and noted that every person watching had a grimace of disgust on their face. Gods, this was so funny that she bursted out laughing, doubling over with tears of mirth running down her flushed cheeks. She had never seen breasts like that before; they weren't even round, they were long.

"YOU!" Sybill shouted, pointing at Hermione. "Ifff you took care of your husssssband, the way he sssshould be taken care of, he wouldn't be ouuut here watching me," Sybill slurred.

"Holy shit, who knew she really had TWO Inner Eyes? And, it looks like they are both trying to get out," shrieked Rolanda Hooch, looking at Sybill's breasts flopping.

"Hagrid, I think Sybill's stolen a couple of your rock cakes," snickered Harry, eyeing Sybill's chest...er...stomach as her long breasts swung. Geesh, they really did look like rock cakes hanging in socks...EWW.

The bug-eyed professor must have finished her sherry because she tossed the bottle into the lake, and began to push her skirt down her skinny, stark white legs. The giant squid wasn't happy about this, and promptly swung it back up on the shore, thankfully nobody was hit.

A collective gasp went through the group, and looking at Trelawney's crotch, Severus choked out, "Albus, is that you?"

Snickers and great guffaws of laughter were heard, and Hermione kept saying she had to stop laughing so hard, or she was going to pee in her pants.

Albus narrowed his eyes at the group and glared, with a look worthy of his Potions master, as he pointed to Trelawney's groin. "That, is NOT even funny!"

"Uh, Sir, I beg to differ with you," Harry said loudly. "I think it's one of the funniest things I've ever seen. It's obvious how much she.....admires you."

"Great Merlin's Ass," chimed in Hagrid, "That's a fur farm she's got there, innit?"

There she stood, swaying in the breeze, her breasts flopping haphazardly around her, each one going in a different direction and due south was the biggest, grayest bush that anyone had ever seen. Not only was it huge, but it was long, and she had it tied just like Albus's beard. The thin silver chain had little bells on it, and they tinkled happily in the wind. Sybill had always openly admired Albus' beard necklaces...err....beardlaces.

Hermione looked at her husband, and said, "We should get her another chain for Christmas. A chain with little half moon spectacles on it," she laughed. Oh, Albus would have a coronary when Sybill opened her gift in front of the staff. Severus's eyes gleamed as he leaned towards his wife, and said, "Order it. Tonight."

"Oh, Sybill, stop this right now," huffed Minerva McGonagall. "Thank goodness the children aren't back yet. Can you imagine the owls that we would get from the irate parents!"

"Yes, not to mention having to add a Braille class after so many students put their own eyes out with their wands," snorted Hooch.

Meanwhile, Professor Flitwick had silently glided closer to Sybill, and was now front and center. "Sybill, I never realized how beautiful you were underneath all of those horribly ugly layers of clothing," he breathed. Beads of sweat were glistening on his forehead as he started swaying to the same music that only Sybill heard. "You look like a Goddess performing a ritual," the tiny Charms professor said.

"Yeah, let's have a sacrificial ritual," Sinistra chortled. Albus was not pleased with his staff egging her on.

Severus's opinion of Flitwick just went down dramatically. 'How could anyone think THAT looked beautiful?' Severus thought with a shudder.

Flitwick raised his wand, pointed it at himself, and muttered, "Divesto."

Everyone's eyes dropped to the diminutive man, and widened with shock.

"Well, that is certainly.......unexpected," Madame Pince said, with a gleam in her eye. "Who would have thought little Flitwick would be so...so....so..."

"Endowed," Poppy added with a sigh realizing that it had almost been a year, since he had come into the hospital wing for his yearly physical.

"Oh, we knew," Hooch and Sinistra said together.

Eyes now swiveled to the two ladies, waiting for an explanation. Mental images were going through the staff's minds of a small, pasty, white hairy ass pumping away in between Hooch and Sinistra's thighs.

"Well, not personally, mind you. Filius, was Mr. February in an old issue of Play Wizard," Hooch said. "He was dressed up like cupid and had a little bow and arrow."

"That's probably the only little thing he had," Madame Pince said, skirting around a small tree and trying to get a better view. The little Charms professor had certainly charmed her.

"It seems like it should be top-heavy...errr...bottom-heavy in comparison to his height," Professor Pomona Sprout said.

"Yeah, I bet you want Filius to come plow your garden, huh Pomona," Hermione teased.

Albus had finally decided to use a Binding spell on Sybill and Filius, and then began to Levitate them up to the castle, shaking his head and muttering how a headmaster's job is never done. And, to think that alcohol wasn't even involved on Flitwick's part.

"Come on, Sev, after seeing Sybill dancing, I'm feeling a bit like belly dancing," Hermione said to her husband. Severus was green, and looked like he was contemplating a Self-Obliviate.

The group walked slowly back to the castle. Some were thinking about Sybill's 'Albus doll', and others were imagining what Flitwick could do with his 'wand'. One thing was for certain though.

Severus would be taking a Dreamless Sleep potion tonight.

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Sybill and Filius were missing the next morning at breakfast. Nobody really wanted to speculate as to where they were. The staff was seated at the professor's table, and eating a breakfast of scrambled eggs, sausages, fried tomatoes and buttered toast; ice cold pumpkin juice was chilling in glass carafes, fresh hot coffee was percolated, and the English Breakfast tea was steeping. The doors to the Great Hall creaked as Albus pushed them open and approached his seat at the head of the table.

Snickers and snorts echoed through the cavernous room when everyone looked at Albus. For the first time in over a century, the headmaster had shaved his beard short and flush to his face.

"Not a word, not one word," Dumbledore said, as everyone went back to eating with smiles on their faces.