W.I.B

“I assure you…er…Mr. K that there are no ‘aliens’ here.”

Remus Lupin was desperately trying to wrap his mind around the bizarre notion that beings from other planets not only masqueraded in the Muggle world, but according to the K-Muggle, probably the wizarding world as well. Surely he would have noticed something unusual by now but as far as he could remember, nothing ever seemed out of the ordinary. Wizard or not.


K was used to this reaction. Nobody believes aliens walk amongst humanity until a cold, slimy tentacle reaches out and taps them on their ass. Then…well, it would certainly be interesting to see how a wizard reacts when presented with undeniable proof that he’s not alone in the universe.

The spooked cab driver’s knuckles were turning even whiter as he gripped the steering wheel tighter. Two expressionless men in black suits and sunglasses sat on either side of a rather rumpled, shaggy looking man who darted his eyes about nervously. Now for the third time, the cab driver caught the rumpled man looking at him intently in the taxi’s rear view mirror.

As soon as he could, he planned to pull over and eject them onto the sidewalk. Sod the fare!

“Should we be talking in front of him?” Lupin nervously whispered to K.


“Hmm? Oh yeah, it’s fine.” K said as he fiddled with a small blinking, chirping, metallic device.


“What is that?”


“Back home, we know where all of our aliens are and what they’re up to. Here we’re going to need a little help. This little beauty detects the presence of any non-humans in the vicinity…along with the occasional hamster.”


K’s device emitted a rapid series of chirps and bleeps.


“Stop the cab right here.”


The cab driver gratefully pulled over to the sidewalk and parked the taxi in front of a dingy pub.


“J.” K said, with a small nod towards Lupin.


J reached into his inside jacket pocket, pulled out a pair of Ray-Bans and handed them to Remus.


“Put those on. Now.” he advised.


Deciding not to ask any questions, Lupin shoved the sunglasses on.


“How much?” K asked the driver as he positioned a dialed, black metal cylinder in the air.


“Forget it. I just want you blokes out of my…”


Flash


The cab driver froze in mid sentence and blinked.


“Alright, let’s do this thing.” K said and opened his door.



J and Lupin exited from the other door while K walked around to the rolled down driver’s side window. Peeling a few pound notes out of his wallet, he tossed them on the driver’s lap.


“You were tired so you pulled over for a short nap.”


Blink.


“A nap…shit! No imagination.” J muttered as the three made their way into the pub. “You can take those off now, ‘cuz.”


“What was that?” Lupin asked as he pulled off his sunglasses and looked at them as if they might bite.


“Flashy memory messer-upper thing.”


Lupin poked the pub’s door with a finger just to reassure himself that he wasn’t dreaming.


K ambled up to the bar, sat down, and waited for the barkeep to turn around while J locked the pub’s door. Fortunately, the pub was empty except for a man passed out in a corner booth. Remus, having no idea how to act anymore, followed their lead and sat down at the bar, wondering what his Muggle companions intended to do. Have a pint?


“Right, wot can I get…” the barkeep began, turning around. He froze when he saw two dark suits, two expressionless faces, and two pairs of sunglasses staring back at him.


“Ah no! I ‘aven’t done anything! Nuttin’ t’all! I run a clean business ‘ere, I do!” he said, breaking out into a sweat.


“We want some information.” K said in a monotone.


“You…you…you ‘ave no author’ty ‘ere! I donna ‘ave to tell you nuttin’!”


“You know better than that. MIB was granted planetary jurisdiction after the 1968 Zeronian migration fiasco. Galactic ordinance 68.723, section 5.” At this, K looked over to Lupin and smirked. “You should have seen that. Hell of a thing!


Remus just blinked.


“Don’ care. Piss off!” the barkeep snarled, as he edged towards the doorway leading to the back of the pub.


“They always got to do it the hard way.” J sighed.


Faster than Remus thought possible, J and K were on their feet with their weapons drawn and trained on the sweaty bartender.


“Everyone knows bartenders hear the best information. You have to the count of three. One…” K said.


The bartender looked at Lupin wildly.


“Call the cops!”


“Two…” J said.


“Do somethin’!” the bartender pleaded with Remus who stared back helplessly, having no idea what was happening.


“Three!” J and K said together and discharged their weapons.


Green and yellow slime exploded and splattered onto the walls, ceiling, and bar.


Remus sat frozen in horror and watched dumb-struck as the slime congealed and reformed into the sweaty, and now highly annoyed, bartender.


“Daddy go splat!” a child’s voice giggled from behind and underneath the bar.


“Bastards! Right in front of me ‘lil girl too!”


“Care to make it a repeat performance?” K growled and cocked his weapon again.


“ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT! Fookin’ hell! Wot you want to know?!”


A four foot tall/long, aquamarine colored, skink-like creature with six legs and large insectillian compound eyes scampered up on the bar top. K smiled and tickled her under her ‘chin.’


“Hello, princess.”


The creature giggled then turned her attention to Remus who was now beyond coherent thought.


“Doggie!” she squealed.


The little ‘girl’ launched herself at Remus and wrapped all six legs around his head, hugging him. He suddenly snapped out of his catatonia, fell off the bar stool and onto the floor screaming. He pried the creature off of his face and ran around the pub, shouting in panic while the little ‘girl’ chased after him.



“Doggie!” she giggled again.



“Play nice, Bridget.” her father called. “Soorie, she’s only 3 days old.” he shrugged at J and K. “Now, wot you blokes want to know, eh?”



“The location of the black market. The alien black market.” K specified, knowing the average smart-assed alien mindset. If he didn’t qualify the statement, the alien would probably direct him to a human flea market or something similar.



In the background, Lupin was still screaming and trying to evade the giggling skink that was chasing him. K and J acted like they didn’t even hear him. The drunk in the corner remained passed out.


“Ah yeah? Wot you wantin’ there? Dependin’ on wot you want is when you go.”


“Guns. All kinds.” J said.



Lupin, emitting an insensate gurgling sound, was now desperately trying to climb the walls to escape the alien who kept jumping on his back and clinging to his jumper.



“WHEEEEE!”



“That’ll be Thursdays then. Right, it’s down inna sewers under Willow Street. Knock three times on the fifth manhole. Someone’ll pop up. Password is sqwtlbz.” the barkeep said, pronouncing the last word in the alien dialect needed to gain access to the black market.



Lupin collapsed on the floor, overwhelmed from panic and frantic activity. The little girl was sitting on his chest patting his hair.



“Good doggie!”



“Bridget! Leave the man alone!” her father called.


With a flurry of scampering legs, Bridget slithered across the floor and up on her father’s shoulders.


“We’re done here, tiger.” K said to Lupin who lay panting on the floor.



Shakily peeling himself off the floor and walking as a somnambulist, Remus allowed himself to be directed out of the pub by J and K. He stood ashen and blinking dully as J hailed another taxi.


“I’m kind of surprised you wizard fellas don’t have a better grip on the alien thing. Seems you’d understand all about ‘weird.’” K remarked to Lupin who was once again sandwiched between him and J inside the cab.


“I could go for some Chinese. How 'bout y’all?” J asked.


Remus slowly turned his head and gave J the ‘I-was-just-chased-around-a-Muggle-pub-by-an aquamarine-alien-skink-child-with-six-legs-and-huge-compound-bug-eyes-who-thought-I-was-a-dog-and-you want-to-know-if-I-want-Chinese-food?!’ look.


“I could eat some cashew chicken.” K agreed.


“Uh, got that, ‘cuz?” J asked the taxi driver.


Lupin stared straight ahead and twitched.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few Order members and Dumbledore were in Grimmauld Place’s dining room going over some maps marked with Death Eater sightings when the front door opened and shut.


Remus staggered stiff-legged into the room clutching two large brown paper bags to his chest as if they were a life preserver and he was a man drowning in the sea of Fucked Up Shit. K and J strolled in behind him as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened that day.


“What the hell happened to you, Mooney?” Sirius Black asked.


Lupin looked at Black with a twitching eye and abandoned the paper bags in favor of the bottle of Ogden’s Firewhiskey sitting in the middle of the table. Grasping the bottle in a death grip, he staggered out of the dining room without a word as the present Order members blinked in confusion.


“Eggroll?” K asked the room.



A bedroom door upstairs slammed.

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A/N: To all those who are also reading Avenging Fire, the new chappie is almost done. I skipped around too much and now have to write a few filler chaps. WIB allows me to take a mental break from A.F.


The little girl alien is 3 days old according to her father. Artistic license allows me to claim her species ages differently than humanoids. ;)