Standing Against the Tides

Last time I looked at my driver’s license, it did not say J. K. Rowling. Yep, it’s just me, an unpaid and unknown aspiring writer. The characters of the Potterverse do not belong to me and I am making no money from this endeavor.

A/N: Spoilers through OotP. As I am still in denial, I refuse to acknowledge the events of HBP or DH at this point.

Unbeta’d as BabyGurl is busy with her own life.


Chapter 1 Realizations

Harry sat in the deep windowsill in his dorm room. All of his dorm mates were down in the Gryffindor common room or off in the library studying. It was at times like this that Harry relished his privacy and he often was to be found in this nook, thinking. This was his Seventh year at Hogwarts and he was rapidly nearing the time when he would be expected to leave these hallowed halls. The young man knew he still had many obstacles to overcome before he could live his own life, but he still had hope that he would indeed survive the war with Voldemort.

Sighing, Harry thought back on the past seven years since he had found out he was not only a wizard but the Boy-Who-Lived-to-Piss-Off-Old-Snake-Face. He knew that his friends didn’t always understand his brand of humor, but it amused him to poke fun at the whole Savior-of-the-Wizarding-World crap. Besides, he had long ago realized that railing against his circumstances did nothing to change the facts. Snorting at the idea that he might actually be maturing, Harry reluctantly brought his mind back to more serious matters.

The realization had been growing for some time now that he could not afford to take everything and everyone at face value. For all of his wise words and beneficent smiles and offers of lemon drops, Harry had come to understand that Albus Dumbledore was simply not to be trusted. Oh, Harry had no doubt that the man truly wanted to rid the world of the evil that was Voldemort, but the young Gryffindor had also come to the conclusion that the old wizard would do anything and sacrifice anyone in order to achieve that goal.

Closing his eyes in remembered pain, Harry could now clearly see how Dumbledore had contributed to the loss of his Godfather, Sirius Black. So much had been kept from Harry, so much that would have changed how the young man looked at things, how he would have responded. But instead, Harry had blindly trusted the Headmaster and now Sirius was dead.

Looking back on that time in his short life also brought a deep sense of shame to the young man. Harry knew that he had not taken his Occlumency lessons during his fifth year seriously enough, and he had certainly never given Snape enough credit either. Of course, there was the whole Snape-hates-my-guts-and-lives-to-torment-my-life attitude from the man himself. Add to that that Harry spent much time unsure as to the Potions master’s true allegiances and it was no wonder they couldn’t seem to get along.

But still, every once in a while, Harry would catch the surly man looking at him with a strange, far-off look in his eyes. That gaze was enough to send shots of desire through the young man’s body and fuel Harry’s many adolescent wet dreams, even if those eyes did belong to a man who hated him. Shaking his head to try to clear out those unwanted thoughts; Harry tried once again to figure out his enigmatic professor. The young Gryffindor had to acknowledge that the man had usually managed to turn up at the right moment in order to save his life in more than one instance. And, loathe as he was to admit it, Harry now knew that Snape had truly done everything he could at the time to help at the end of Harry’s fifth year. At the time, Harry hadn’t wanted to believe that Snape was indeed helping, but looking back now, he knew that the man had worked behind the scenes and still had managed to preserve his status as a spy. Harry had had to come to the understanding that though it hadn’t been enough to save his Godfather, Snape had tried. Chalk that up to another lesson in maturity, Harry thought morosely.

And eventually, once Harry had worked through his rage and grief over the unnecessary loss of his Godfather, the two had somehow managed to work together well enough for Harry to perfect his Occlumency skills, with Snape even going so far as to begin to teach Legilemency to his student. Those sessions were by no means any more pleasant for either of them, but as both realized the need for the lessons, they had actually managed to put together something of a truce. Harry had finally managed to convince the Potions master that he was truly sorry for invading his privacy by going into the Pensieve and that he was truly ashamed of his father’s and his Godfather’s behavior. In return, Snape seemed to be giving Harry half a chance at least. Harry thought that with Snape that was probably a bit of a major victory.

So this brought Harry back to one of the things that had been bothering him lately. In the past few months, he had been noticing several inconsistencies when it came to accounts of his parents. Harry would hear one thing about Lily and James Potter from the Headmaster, but then someone else would have an entirely different story for him. Looking back now, Harry was able to discern a rather disturbing pattern. As much as he hated to think it, he could only come to the conclusion that Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Chairman of the International Confederation of Wizards, Chief Warlock on the Wizengamot, Order of Merlin recipient, First Class and the Head of the Order of the Phoenix had regularly been lying to him. Well, if not lying to him, then the old wizard had at least had been much less than completely truthful with Harry on many occasions. As some of these happened to be instances when Harry should have had the facts and all the facts at his disposal in order to make informed and intelligent decisions, the discovery of his mentor’s deliberate misinformation was all the more disturbing. Following that thread to its logical conclusion, Harry could only surmise that Albus Dumbledore wanted Harry to falter as much as possible without actually failing. The question now was why.

Running his hand through his hair in his agitation, Harry paused to take a cleansing breath. As much as he hated to admit it, he needed help in trying to unravel the tangled web of lies and half-truths. And there was only one person who could help him do that: the one other person who had consistently been led around and misled as much as Harry.
And that person was Severus Snape.