Jaded

For Summery, warnings, spoilers and disclaimers see chapter one.


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Chapter Three: Oh, dear dad, can you see me now?
(Title from the song 'Release' by Pearl Jam)

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The five boys made their way to Quidditch pitch, chatting happily among themselves. Harry tried not to be nervous of the fact he was about to go up against his father, on a broom that went out of the market before he was even born. His captain mind started to map and catalogue things immediately; the weather was perfect- not too cool, even for mid October, not too windy and just a perfect evening for a Quidditch match. The pitch was just as he remembered soft sand on the ground and goal hoops gleaming and catching the last rays of sun before the magical floodlights were turned on.

When they stood in the middle of the pitch Sirius thrust his broom proudly in Harry’s hands and turned to take place in the nearest stand, followed by Remus and Peter, leaving Harry and James alone on the pitch. James used his broom to help himself stretch out a bit while Harry stood staring dumbstruck at the broom in his hands. It felt so heavy and slow, just lying there- Harry almost wanted to flip it and start swiping the sanded pitch to make his point but decided against it when he saw James starting to jog in place, warming his muscles up.

“Can I take this one up for a bit, just to get the feeling of it?” He asked and James shrugged and nodded, still busy with his warm up. Harry took a deep breath and mounted the broom; he kicked off and headed straight up. He started with standard drills to test the broom and almost groaned with frustration at its slowness. It felt like he was standing stock still! After a few dives and pulls he reached the conclusion that what the Comet Two-Twenty missed in speed it more than made up for in difficult turns. After about five minutes into his test fly he formed his strategy- he’d have to lean more heavily on cunning manoeuvres than on speed, not something he was overly used of doing but it never hurt to brush up on tight turns every once in a while.

“Come on Jay, we don’t have all night!” He turned to see Sirius jumping up and down on the stand, waiting for Harry to finally finish his little warm-up so the game could begin. Harry rolled his eyes good-naturally; Sirius was never one for patience.

“I’m ready.” Harry cried out and soon James turned up at his side, poised on his broom and ready to fight for the snitch. It made Harry want to chuckle, seeing the pitched look on his father’s face, so similar to his own when he was about to go up in the air.

“Alright, then I’m releasing the snitch!” Sirius cried out and lifted his hand to show the little golden glint. As soon as Harry’s eyes focused on the small ball he forgot about everything else. This was what he was good at, what he loved doing and it didn’t really matter if he was 20 years in the past riding an ancient broom and fighting his father- he was ready for Quidditch!

Both Harry and James started the search for the elusive winged ball while Sirius, Remus and Peter watched them from the stands. The three apparently weren’t all that interested in the game and kept chatting and joking. The first thing that Harry learned while he was battling his father was that he did indeed inherited every ounce of Quidditch talent from his father but apparently he didn’t get all of it… James was simply phenomenal. Even on an old and rickety broom his father was an unbelievable flyer and Harry had a hard time trying to keep up with him. James obviously knew his broom well and knew how to get the maximum out of it, much to Harry’s dismay as he soon realized that it would take a bloody miracle for him to catch the snitch before James did. Guess that’s what Malfoy must be feeling every time he plays against me… Harry thought in a quirked sort of daze.

Since Harry didn’t really have the heart to toss his own father off his broom, not to mention his inner fair-play integrity wouldn’t let him so blatantly cheat, he soon found himself almost vertically stretched on his broom trying in vain to catch the zooming figure of his father who was only feet away from him but still too far.

James tossed a glance behind his shoulder at the new guy who wanted to challenge the legendary James Potter to a seekers game… The sight of Harry racing and nearly passing him cause the smirk to die on James’ lips, this kid was not someone to be taken lightly, he could fly! But not as good as me, James thought in satisfaction as his fingers closed on the tiny winged ball in triumph. Now he let the smirk shine in all its force while Harry stopped his broom and hovered in mid-air looking disappointed and pushing back his sweaty locks.

“Hey, good game, Jamie. You sure know how to handle a broom. Ever thought of switching positions and becoming a chaser?” Harry blinked at him in confusion, chaser? Surely that’s insulting, right? But while his brain mused on his father’s surprising proposal his heart swelled with delight and pride that his father, his own father thought he was a good seeker. Growing with the Dursleys left Harry in desperate need for affirmation, to know that what he was doing was right, that he was good in at least one thing. But getting praise from one of the two people he so desperately wanted to make proud was nearly making him tear up.

The two seekers made their way back to the ground slowly, both feeling the adrenalin pumping in their veins while their muscles protested the physical effort. On the pitch they were joined by Sirius, Remus and Peter who were all chatting happily and looked rather excited,

“That was some impressive flying!” Sirius cried and clamped his hand on Harry’s back forcefully, making the latter wince with the pain, nearly falling flat on his face, “I bet Prongs never thought he’d actually have to break a sweat over that one! Good on you, Jay!” Harry smiled broadly; the evening was just getting better. Although not strange to get praise from the older Sirius, this was even better, since the young Sirius didn’t know of his horrid childhood and therefore didn’t feel compelled to compliment Harry and bust his ego at every turn.

“Well, it looks like you’ve passed your challenge.” Remus said in a quiet voice and a warm smile that caused Harry to blush to the roots of his hair,

“I… I didn’t catch the snitch…” He mumbled, feeling rather foolish all of a sudden,

“Yes, but you made James rue the day he ever agreed to this challenge, so that’s as good as winning in our book.” Remus gave James a little jibe in the ribs and they all laughed as James pulled a face at them.

“So, now that you’re one of us, what shall we have you do…” Sirius mused loudly, his finger tapping his chin in thought, eyes glinting dangerously,

“Well, we have to find him a name first.” Peter piped up and Harry tried to hold back the snarl that was his natural reaction whenever Peter spoke,

“That we do…” James agreed and looked thoughtfully on Harry, “We should find out his animagus form first.”

“Fuck, Prongs, are you going to dish out all our secrets?” Sirius cried out indigenously,

“What? We just said he was a full Marauder, so he’s bound to find out our secrets sooner or later!” James argued back. Harry wanted to tell them that he already knew all the secrets the Marauders had- or at least the ones that were worthy of knowing, but he couldn’t. Instead he looked at Remus and saw the teen werewolf averting his gaze and worrying his lip, talking of animagus forms must have hurt more than Remus would ever let anyone know, Harry felt the urge to offer the tawny-haired boy a hug, so he stuck his hands in his pockets demurely to avoid temptation- something he found he was doing more and more lately.

“How do I find out what my animagus form is?” He asked loudly, trying to overcome the quiet argument that was brewing between James and Sirius,

“Your animagus form is something unique to you, but you cannot choose it. It will appeal to a trait in your character, usually the strongest one.” Remus began to explain in his calm voice, beside him Sirius rolled his eyes and mouthed ‘professor’ which earned him an elbow to the ribs while Remus never paused from his speech, “The spell to discover one’s animagus form is fairly simple but actually achieving a full transformation is something that can take years to learn and master. It is a very volatile process and that’s why the ministry likes to keep close tabs on his animagi.”

“But what the ministry doesn’t know won’t hurt it!” Sirius grinned and Harry found himself returning the grin,

“Anyway,” Remus said firmly, ignoring Sirius, “In order to find out your animagus from you need to clear out your mind and just point your wand at yourself and say ‘reveal animagus’.” He instructed and Harry nodded and swallowed. The Marauders were forming a circle, eagerly anticipating the charm, and Harry felt his nervousness increase. If he had any say in the matter he would have preferred do cast the spell in privacy, trying it out first before presenting the results to the rest, just so that he could warm up to the idea of having an animagus form, and see what it might be, but as he had no choice he pointed his wand to his chest and closed his eyes,

“Reveal animagus.” He said in a clear voice and waited for something to happen, but eventually cracked an eye open, before snapping them wide open in astonishment. Before him, in mid-air floated an image of an animal, eerily white and luminescent, it looked like a hologram of sorts,

“What is it?” Peter asked, and the other four gazed intently at the figure hovering in the middle of their circle,

“I think it’s a dog, Hey Pads, I think you have a new friend!” James said with a smile and slapped Sirius’ back while the latter grinned wide, but before he could comment Remus said in a quiet voice,

“It’s not a dog,” He lifted his gaze to look at Harry from across the circle, his face lit by the charm and casting deep shadows, which made his eyes smoulder like glowing ambers of a fire, “It’s a wolf.” Harry found himself gulping at Remus’ words. A wolf… Could that really be?

“What does a wolf stand for?” Peter asked curiously,

“It means that Jamie is looking to belong somewhere, he needs a pack.” Remus replied and Harry felt a chill running down his spine at the words, it made so much sense and yet it was such scary a thought. He did need a family, but he had found it when the Weasleys took him in… A pack, he needed a pack, someone to belong to in the most compelling, deepest way,

“That’s great, we can be his pack!” Sirius cried and flung his arm around Harry’s shoulder, effectively breaking his concentration and causing the wolf’s image to disappear. “We need to name him, I’m thinking… Wolfie!” The other four rolled their eyes and groaned,

“No way, that’s just silly! He should be called something like… Howler.” James offered and Harry wrinkled his nose, Howler was only marginally better than Wolfie.

“Grey.” Peter piped in, “You know, after the colour of his coat…”

For the next couple of minutes each member of the Marauders tossed out names into the air, most of them making Harry cringe with horror and disgust. Harry noticed that Remus hadn’t said a word so far, not joining in the bad-names-fest and he just knew that Remus would come up with the perfect name so he waited eagerly to hear the verdict,

“Seff.” The three squabbling teens turned to look at Remus, who was still gazing at the spot where the image of the wolf had been,

“Seff? What kind of name is that?” Sirius wrinkled his nose, crossing his arms over his chest,

“It’s Hebrew for Wolf.” Remus explained,

“Really? Are you sure?” Sirius pressed,

“You think I’m making this up?”

“Maybe,” Sirius answered, rising to the challenge, but Remus didn’t look impressed in the slightest,

“Check it out then.”

“Oh, come on Moony, you know that Sirius couldn’t find his way to the library if he had the Marauders map and a ‘point me’ spell!” James snorted in laughter, which broke the tension; the four of them were sniggering while Sirius did his best to look hurt,

“I kinda like Seff,” Harry said with a small smile, “It’s unique.” Yes, and it was Remus’ idea you smitten ponce! His mind supplied helpfully, but Harry ignored it,

“Alright, then that settled,” Peter cried, “Welcome, Seff, to the Marauders!” He extended his hand to Harry who had to brace himself mentally before he could accept it. After a round of shakes the five turned towards the castle and Harry found himself walking alongside Remus, at the back of the group while ahead of them Sirius, James and Peter were reliving the livelier parts of the match they just witnessed and played. Harry had no desire to join in the talk and was perfectly happy to walk in comfortable silence next to the boy he so desperately wanted. He knew that he was absolutely pathetic and that if Remus had any kind of sense he’d run miles away from what is sure to end up in a spectacular blunder on Harry’s part.

“A wolf is a very powerful animagi form,” Harry was jerked out of his thoughts by Remus’ voice,

“What?”

“I said that a wolf is a very strong animagi form, not a lot of people can carry out a wolf.” Harry felt his cheeks flush, was that praise or condemn?

“But that’s a good thing, right?” He asked anxiously and Remus smiled, white teeth gleaming in the darkness of the grounds,

“Yes, it’s a good thing. You must have a very strong magical core to yield a wolf.” He suddenly turned sharply to Harry and fixed him with a stern gaze, Harry blanched and tried to smile benignly not at all sure what Remus was after. Remus lifted his hand and placed it on Harry’s jaw, turning it from side to side to expose the neck. Harry knew that Remus was looking for marks from a werewolf’s bite but couldn’t bring himself to say that out loud, especially not when all he wanted to do was lean in to the touch and marvel at the softness of Remus’ fingers on his skin. “You are not bitten, are you?” Harry blinked a couple of times, caught off guard by the question,

“Bitten?” He asked confused and Remus removed his hand and gave Harry a small smile,

“Never mind. We better hurry and catch up with the others.” He said and turned, lengthening his strides and refusing to meet Harry’s eyes. Harry wasn’t sure how he should feel, he wanted to tell Remus that he knew and didn’t care one bit that he was a werewolf but on the other hand he knew that if he did Remus would never talk to him again. Remus needed his time and Harry was certain that Remus would come to him only when and where he was ready and comfortable, and Harry vowed to himself to give him that time.


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A/N: Actually in Hebrew wolf is pronounced Ze’ev but Seff sounds much cooler…