Shell Shock

Part three:

Snape watched as Harry nestled comfortably under the duvet and closed his eyes. Soon the small smile turned into a frown and Severus took a deep breath before sighing heavily. He knew what the boy was thinking. It didn’t take a genius to figure that out though. The boy was shit at hiding his feelings.

“It wasn’t your fault, Potter.”

Harry's eyes snapped open and he bolted straight up, cover pooling around his waist. “What?”

“Miss Granger is alive because of you.”

“But Ron --”

“Mr Weasley’s fate was already sealed the moment he stepped in front of you.”

“But if I had been looking --!”

“But you weren't able to. And Mr Weasley -- Ron knew that. He knew what he was doing when he decided to shield you from that curse.”

It felt strange to Severus to say the Weasley boy’s given name, but somehow he felt it was the right thing to say.

Harry closed his eyes. “But why? Why did he do that?”

Severus leaned forward. “Potter. You would have done exactly the same thing for him.”

“But I didn’t! He risked his life--”

“Yes, he did. For you. Just as you did for Miss Granger.”

Harry buried his face in his hands. “H-He begged me to help him.”

“Potter. Potter, listen to me. Ron sacrificed his life for you and in return, what did he ask of you?”

“I--”

“What did he ask?” Severus demanded.

“He asked me to look after Hermione,” he whispered.

“And you did, didn’t you?” Harry nodded. “Potter, she’s alive because of you. You were willing to give up your life for hers just as Ron did for you. You never once left her side until help arrived.” He pulled Harry's hands down. “Did you?”

Tears fell down Harry's face as he slowly shook it. “No,” he mouthed.

“And you’ve looked after her since then, haven't you?”

Harry closed his eyes and nodded. “Sh-she killed--”

“Yes, I know. And she's getting help for that.”

Harry snapped his head up. “But I can help! I can --”

“No, Potter. You can't. This is something that she has to work out for herself.” Severus leaned in closer. “Just as you need to do.” He paused. “With your own demons.”

Harry nervously looked away. “I-I have to get some sleep now.”

“Potter, you need to talk about this.”

Harry slid back down and covered himself, pulling the duvet up over his shoulders.

“I’m tired. I should--”

“Potter--”

“No, really. I’m fine. I just need to sleep.”

Severus sat back and sighed.

“Very well. I’ll be here if you need anything.”

“Thank you … Severus.”


~*~*~*~*~


“I will! I promise!”

Severus snapped his eyes open. He looked over to Harry who was tossing and turning on the bed.

’Damn. It wasn’t strong enough,’ Severus thought, scolding himself.

He stood over Harry, and as soon as his hand touched Harry's arm to wake him, Harry scrambled clumsily to his knees on the bed and wrapped his arms around him.

“I love you! I’ll always love you!”

Severus stood motionless, wondering if the boy was now awake or still dreaming. Harry squeezed tighter and Severus slowly curled his arms around Harry's small frame and unconsciously stroked the boy’s messy hair. His body was trembling as much as Potter’s. It had been a long time since Severus had held someone this close. He let his eyes fall shut.

When Severus realised what was pressing into his abdomen, he panicked and tried to pull Harry off him.

“No! Please. Don’t let go of me,” Harry sobbed, pushing his body further into him.

Severus gasped. “P-Potter.”

Harry buried his face into Severus’ neck and held onto him with all his might.

“Please, Severus.”

Severus inwardly sighed. At least the boy knew he was with him instead of - someone else.

“Don’t let me go,” Harry whispered.

“All right,” Severus said softly back.

Harry inhaled deeply and his body shuddered when he slowly breathed out. That small movement was enough to cause a similar reaction in Severus. He tried to will it away. He knew this wasn’t appropriate, but the boy’s scent was strong and his body was warm and full of life. Severus closed his eyes. He shouldn’t be doing this. He knew better. It was against everything he believed in and it would also be taking advantage of--

“Severus?”

“Hmm?” was the only thing he could manage to say.

“Lie with me?”

Suddenly, Severus became very inarticulate. “I … don’t think. Uh, Potter, this isn’t--”

“Please?”

‘Damn the boy.’

He tried to pull away again, but the boy held fast “Harry,” he said after clearing his throat. “You don’t want this. This is only because of the dream you had and --Ah!” he cried out when Harry grabbed the back of his trousers and thrust him forward. “Damn it, Potter! You don’t know what you are doing!”

“Severus,” Harry breathed into his ear. “Please. Just lie with me. That’s all I want.”

Even though Severus knew that that was a lie, he reluctantly nodded and slowly lowered Harry down to the bed then sat gently beside his prone body. Severus bowed his head and shook it. Damn his compassionate side that he thought he had under control. He sighed softly and regretted almost immediately after he spoke the words, “Just for tonight.”

“Just for tonight,” Harry echoed.

Almost.


~*~*~*~*~


No sooner than they had lain down and faced each other that Harry began unbuttoning Severus’ shirt. He had to feel skin. The warmth of another body. Harry knew it was a risk to assume the man’s preference, but he had heard enough rumours to know they were more than just a coincidence.

Harry opened the shirt wide and ran his fingers through the sparse hairs. He felt the skin below quiver and smiled, knowing he was the one causing Severus’ response. Strong arms pulled him further into the chest and Harry nuzzled his head in the crook of Severus’ neck whilst pushing his palm under the shirt. He wrapped his arm around Severus’ side and wedged his leg between his.

He could hear Severus’ heartbeat, and warm air coated the top of his head as the man breathed heavily.

“Potter?”

“Yes?”

“What did you mean when you said what you are?”

There was a long pause.

“I meant who.”

“What did you mean?” Severus firmly repeated.

Harry sighed.

“Potter.”

He pulled his head back far enough to look into his eyes.

“It’s not common knowledge that I’m gay, all right?” he said suddenly angry. “And contrary to what Hermione keeps telling me, there’s not an abundance of gay wizards. I mean it’s not like there's a personal section in the Daily Prophet for that sort of thing, is there?” Harry said bitterly.

Severus stared at him long and hard. “I see.”

“What's that supposed to mean?”

Severus narrowed his eyes. “I would hardly refer to myself as a ‘what’.”

Harry paled. “No. No, that’s not what I meant.”

“Isn't it? Are you not referring to me as well?”

“No!”

“I am not a ‘what’, Potter. And neither are you.”

“I know. It’s just--”

“Just what?”

Harry closed his eyes, and placed his forehead on Severus’ chest. “You wouldn’t understand,” he murmured.

Harry gasped as he was suddenly thrown backwards and a large hand clenched his face tightly.

“Understand what, Potter? Understand how difficult it is to be different? Understand how humiliating it is when you are the brunt of every joke? To have people who despise you already make fun of you and call you names?”

“No! NO!”

“Then what?”

Harry closed his eyes and a lone tear slid down his cheek. “Understand how hard it is to find someone to love,” he whispered.

Harry inhaled sharply when fingers dug into his arms as his body was being shaken.

“You think I don’t understand?” Severus shouted. “You think that you are so special that nobody else but you could possibly feel that way? Do you think that just because I am old and decrepit that I care not for love?” he screamed. “Do you know how that feels, Potter? To know that you are old and decrepit and that nobody could possibly want you – let alone love you!”

Harry stared at Severus and felt his blood run cold. Severus grunted in disgust as he pushed him away and started to get up.

“No wait! Please! That’s not what I meant! Please!” He lunged forward and caught Severus’ shirt. “I didn’t mean you! I didn’t mean you!”

Severus stopped at the end of the bed and glared at him over his shoulder. The look on the man’s face was nothing but pure hatred. Unable to look at him any longer, Harry collapsed on his stomach and buried his head in his pillow, holding it tightly in his arms.

“I didn’t mean you,” he repeated, voice muffled and barely audible.

Several minutes went by before Harry felt the bed shift and a gentle hand began to massage his back. He turned his head to the side and peered up at him. Snape wasn’t looking directly at him but rather staring at the sheets – past the sheets. His expression and his eyes seemed to be lost in thought. After a slight hesitation, the man removed his shoes and slowly eased his way back down, pulling Harry up and halfway over him. Harry wrapped his arm over Severus’ front and his skin tingled when he felt the hug being returned. He swallowed hard and tried to fight the tears threatening to overwhelm him; the unexpected compassion was just too much. He took several deep breaths instead, and then buried his face in the crook of Severus’ neck.

Another moment of silence fell between the two of them before Severus softly asked, “Who was he, Potter?”

Harry remained quiet for a few seconds and then opened his mouth to speak, but nothing had managed to come out. He knew that Severus was waiting patiently and he also knew that the time had come to say his name aloud. He closed his eyes tightly and pressed his face into Severus’ chest and mumbled the name.

“Seamus.”

There was another long pause.

“I’m sorry, Harry.”


~*~*~*~*~


“Seamus, stop it.”

“What? No one’s looking.”

Harry rolled his eyes and laughed softly. “You have the most twisted sense of humour I know of.”

Seamus chuckled in his throat and gave Harry's bum another squeeze.

“Seamus! Honestly!”

“Oh come on, Harry. Where’s your sense of humour?”

“In case you hadn't noticed, we got separated from our group, had to outrun several curses – a few of which barely missed us in fact. Finally we ended up forcing two grown men’s bodies into a cave so small that we had to lie side by side and could barely move. So tell me again, Seamus, how is that supposed to be funny?”

Seamus thought for a moment then smiled.

“Because I can do this--”

“Seamus!”

“--and no one can see it.”

Smiling, Harry shook his head at him and then peered out of the small opening, trying to see something. Anything.

“Harry?”

“Mmm?”

“I wish…”

Harry looked back at him. “Don’t, Seamus. Don’t say it.”

“I just wish we had more time, you know?”

“Seamus, stop.”

“But … at least I know that one of us …”

“Stop it!”

“Harry, I’m trying to be serious.”

“Well, you can stop it!”

Seamus twisted his body enough to lie on his side, facing Harry. He looked pleadingly at him and Harry smiled gently, his heart finally giving in to the desperate look of hope. He twisted his own body to lie on its side. Seamus pushed him into him instantly and both gasped as their bodies became one. Though it was hard to do in such a cramped cave, Harry managed to wedge his leg between Seamus’ and force his arm between the small gap separating Seamus’ side and the top of the cave. He pulled Seamus close.

“Harry…”

“Shh.”

“I want to touch you. Touch your skin. Just once … Just one more time before --”

“Shh. We can do that later.”

“No, we--Mrph!”

Harry kissed him deeply. He didn’t want to hear that. He wanted to hear the way Seamus breathed into his ear. The way Seamus moaned as their bodies frantically clung to each other. There would be plenty of time later. Time for more than just this.

There would be.

“Harry,” Seamus panted, breaking off the kiss. “Harry, I--”

Harry silenced him again with another deep kiss. Their moans of passion filled the small cave until the inevitable climax overwhelmed them both.

“Oh gods!” Seamus cried. “Harry!”

Harry buried his face into his lover’s neck and followed him into the temporary bliss of ecstasy. When their heartbeats finally slowed and their breathing returned to normal, Seamus pulled back and tear-filled eyes pleaded with him.

“Promise me, Harry. Promise me.”

Harry closed his eyes and gathered Seamus into his arms and held him onto him for dear life.

“I will. I promise.”


~*~*~*~*~


Severus stared across the room, lost in thought. There were so many questions going through his head and no answers. Just a few short months ago he was in complete control. He was alone and his life was simple. Structured. Then Potter came and disrupted everything. Everything. Severus found himself asking - for the eight hundredth time - why. Why had the boy chosen this profession and why did he chose him of all people to train him? He knew now that it wasn’t for retribution. In fact, it didn’t seem as if Potter had any ill feelings towards him whatsoever. He was only there to learn. And as much as Severus hated to admit it, Potter was becoming annoyingly proficient at it. He had hoped otherwise, of course. The worse part, however, was that Potter wasn’t even getting on his nerves as much as he had done in the beginning. He was still an irritating brat, but with each passing day he was actually becoming bearable - the sudden outbursts of anger notwithstanding, of course. Perhaps he was just getting used to him. Severus shuddered at that thought. Who would ever get used to Potter?

Severus glanced down at the messy, black bush lying on his chest. He wondered if that boy even owned a comb. He doubted it by the way it was splayed every which way. His eyes drifted down Potter's body, watching his back rise and fall from his heavy breathing. Good. The boy was finally asleep. Perhaps now would be a good time as any to leave. Severus frowned and looked over at the door then back to Potter who was lying so peacefully. He could easily lift the boy up and walk away. He glanced once more at the door of freedom then back to Potter again. Why was he staying?

Albus. That’s right. Albus wanted him to. He had no choice. Severus closed his eyes and sighed. No, that wasn’t the only reason and he despised himself for it.

It took Severus a moment to realise that the boy lying next to him was rutting against his leg. He remained absolutely still, and wondered if Potter was even consciously aware of what he was doing. There was a part of Severus that wanted to feel disgust that he was being used in this manner, but the other part of him couldn’t help but feel … empathy.

Yes, Severus knew what it was like to lose somebody. Someone who at one time meant the world to him. His first love. His only love. Severus closed his eyes and tried to recall the face that he had buried deep within his mind. It was such a long time ago that he was afraid that he had all but lost him. But no. There he was. The soft blond hair and the pale blue eyes watching him. Saying his name as they both reached the point of no return. He recalled how his skin felt underneath him. On top of him. Moving next to him.

Just like the boy was doing now.

Damn Potter. Damn him for making him want to remember.

Severus held his breath and tried to ignore the pain in his heart. Ignore the way his shirt was being stretched over his chest from the fist that was pulling on it. But most of all, Severus tried to ignore the way the thin leg gripped his own and the feel of the damp moisture that was now seeping through the side of his trousers.

Damn him. And damn himself for not stopping him.


~*~*~*~*~


Sometime later, Severus awoke. It was still dark so he figured that he hadn't been asleep for very long. There was a warm hand caressing his chest - stroking the length of it slowly. Soon it was replaced with fingertips that were seemingly trying to map out his skin. He remained silent and unmoving until he felt two fingers gently tugging on his nipples. He snapped his head to the left and grabbed the frail wrist, though he kept his grip loose enough for the boy to break away if needed.

Young innocent eyes slowly closed and then re-opened. Severus clenched his jaw and barely shook his head, warning Potter to stop. Potter's brows pulled together mouthed the word, “Please.” Severus narrowed his eyes and frowned at him, but his attention was soon drawn back to the hand pulling free, and he watched silently as the timid fingers resumed their exploration. If he didn’t know better, he would swear that the way he was being caressed was almost as if Potter had never touched another living soul.

Perhaps he hadn’t. The war had begun so quickly in Potter’s seventh year, and while it wasn’t well-known, Severus had heard whispers that Potter and the young Weasley girl had just started a relationship. But if what Potter confessed to him about her was true – that they never were in a relationship – there really wouldn’t have been that much time for another one to begin. But then that could only mean one thing.

Potter was a virgin.

Severus mentally shook his head. No, there would've been moments that he and the Finnigan boy could've stolen. Granted, they would've been short, but there still would've been time enough for - for--

Severus sighed and finally gave in to the wondrous sensations Harry was giving him. He let his eyes close and cursed himself for being so weak.

He needed to find a cure for rampant testosterone.


~*~*~*~*~