The Dreaded M-word

A/N: Wow. People actually read what I wrote last time in spite of a half assed summery and a warning inside that it was a variation of a rant. I even got a review that encouraged me to continue. I am shocked and amazed and want to thank lusches_reloaded for taking the time to make me feel all warm and fuzzy about my first posted fic. Though I would love to be able to dedicate a detailed and super sexy deflowering of Colin piece to you, I can’t seem to write past dry humping for the life of me, so instead I give you the best follow up chapter I could come up with. Since this kind of started as a rant I continue with a sort reflection of some of the mental issues I find in myself when trying to write anything by way of Snape. It also kind of clears up what happened after the last chapter.

Any negative views toward fanfic authors in this fic are not a reflection of how I feel about AFF writers, unless those exact words were used in a review I gave them. Since no such review exists under my name, please understand that it is a gross exaggeration of the bad end of writing, and not a personal attack on anyone.

The Dreaded M-word

Chapter 3

Months prior…

Potions master Severus Snape let loose an animalistic snarl as the last of the 5th years finally left the classroom. Normally the obnoxious dunderheads got on his nerves, but lately he was closer then ever to smacking them up side the head. Ok, so yes he was gay, and sure he did happen to know what the best lubricant potion was for sounding, but for the love of all things sacred, why would they be deluded enough to think he wanted to discus it with the likes of them? He, personally, would have been horrified to think that any of his professors knew what sex involved, let alone that they had a sex life when he was a student.

Though admittedly, the worst of the questions weren’t about sounding, water sports, rimming or fisting. Those were actually potentially dangerous without enough information. No, it was the six; SIX mind you, different boys in the last week that had asked with a look of horror on their impudent little faces if men could get pregnant. To him the answer had always been blatantly obvious, as homosexuality would be irrelevant if they could. Apparently, as usual, he was just smarter then the people around him.

Sighing, he got up and checked the class room for any signs of new traps left for the first years coming in the next hour, only to find some idiot had left a news paper under one of the tables. Finding the room empty, he decided to catch up on the news while he waited for the next round of torture that was teaching. He settled in with a conjured cup of tea at his desk.

‘Gilded Dreams: An Erotic Fan Fiction Paper for the Harvey Petersfeild World’ read the first lines of the paper. It took the professor a moment to remember to breathe after reading this. He had read the muggle story grudgingly, having initially thought it to be an over rated children’s novel, only to later let a combination of curiosity and that meddlesome old fool of a headmaster talk him into it. As it turned out, V.J. Dustings was actually a rather good writer and had he been a parent, he would have had mixed feelings about letting his child read the rather dark story line. At the same time he had appreciated how her highly inaccurate but imaginative and detailed magical secret world would capture the imagination of wizards and muggles alike. However, if the title of the paper was anything to go by, the imagination of her readers was rather perverse.

There was a little rational voice inside Snape’s head that told him that being a bit of a pervert to begin with it was probably a really bad ideal for him to taint his memories of a story marketed to the 10-16 age groups. The other voice won, you know the one that said ‘You know you want to, and nobody will have to know’ and later justified it with ‘And you need to know what your students are getting up to anyway’. So read he did, quickly learning what the abbreviated warnings meant, generally with a feeling of horror due to the poor writing skills of the author, but occasionally with delight when one did well on the descriptive sex scenes or actually wrote a good plot into the sex.

Unfortunately for the first years that came in for class, Snape had a raging hard on by the time they came in, no time to deal with it, and a very foul temper as a result of it. Fortunately for him it was a Hufflepuff / Ravenclaw class. Unfortunately for them he had taken 200 points from both houses and given half the class detention by the end of it.

Hours latter, Snape sat in his study glaring at the paper. On the one hand, he had some fun new ideals to try out with his lovers. On the other hand, this paper was the most likely reason for the awkward questions his students kept asking and had far more really bad and completely unrealistic writing then it did good points. ‘And what am I to do?’ he thought. ‘Tell the headmaster witch would involve me admitting indirectly to reading the smut left by one of my students as well as get me volunteered to teach an impromptu sex ed class? Not bloody likely.’

Suddenly an inspiration hit him. If he wrote in the paper, let his readers know he was working from life experience, and gave them accurate details on gay sex he was free to remain completely anonymous. Yes, if one of his former or current lovers read it they may know it was him, but nobody else would, nor would they know who the lover in question was. And it was fan fiction as apposed to REAL fiction, so someone had already done the hard work for him; he just had to write the sex. He has loads of experience so this would be a piece of cake.

One hour later Snape had finally though of a pen name ‘Raven Prince’ as he doubted anyone would connect it to his mother and figured his writing would likely be dark and elegant. 3 hours after that he was still staring at the same piece of parchment on his desk without the slightest clue what to write. Finally he decided he needed some inspiration so he went to his bedroom to masturbate, determined to write what he fantasized about, just changing the names and maybe the physical descriptions to fit the world of Harvey.

Twenty minuets later found him sweaty, sticky, and with the horrid realization that his fantasy was almost exactly the same as one of the better stories he has read earlier that day. While he still saw fan fiction as a bit of a cheaters approach to writing, he just couldn’t bring himself to rip off the work of one of the few that at least wrote the sex well. He deiced that it was time to get some rest and try again in the morning.

Nearly a month later, Snape, or ‘Raven Prince’, had to admit several facts to himself. Firstly, apparently knowing how to HAVE sex and knowing how to WRITE sex were far more different from each other than he had originally thought. Secondly, writing fan fiction was not easy, if fact it was a hell of a lot harder than it looked, ESPECIALLY because someone else had already made all the rules and one had to keep track of them. Thirdly, in spite of having nothing yet, he desperately needed to get something written to clear up some of the sexual questions of his students so they would stop bloody asking him.

With all these thoughts swirling in his mind, along with a severe case of writers block, he came to admit to himself that he needed help. He needed someone to bounce ideals off of, someone who would be comfortable with the taboo, and someone who had actually read the muggle books in the first place….which left him with two names he was not sure he wanted to think about asking: Draco Malfoy, and Remus Lupin. Lupin, being less likely to blackmail him won.

This would be how Snape found himself covered in the tea that had just been in the former professor’s mouth.

“Severus, I’m so sorry. But did I hear you right? Did you just ask me to help you write gay fan fiction….from the books I got Harry for the past few years…. so you can educate Hogwarts students on gay sex…. without them knowing who you are?”

“Well when you say it looking at me like that it sounds a lot worse than you are making it out to be. Look, Lupin, the kids are going to read this crap regardless of what I do. If it’s banned they will just work harder and this also seems to be their preferred resource for sex-ed so I may as well make sure there is something accurate before they hurt themselves.”

Remus heaved a sigh and said “well you do have a point. Ok, I’ll try to help you. Let me see the paper so I know what kind of miss information we need to tackle first. And while I do that I want you to try to narrow down a pairing.”

So Severus Snape and Remus Lupin began their collaboration against both their better judgments……..

Unknown to Snape and Lupin, there efforts were soon to be greatly appreciated by the progressively more frustrated Colin Creevey. “John, for the love of all things holy, please start publishing again” he growled in the 5th year boys’ dormitory that evening. “I swear all the good writers have dropped dead, and if I find one more tragically out of character fluffy m-preg piece I may just go straight. Come on man, we need you.”

John had finally forgiven Colin for his preoccupation with the fear of unwanted pregnancy, but was still quite mad at the paper being referred too. “Look, Colin, while I appreciate your good review of my work, what kind of a self respecting author would I be if I let my name appear in the same place as that crap? Clearly the editors have taken complete leave of their senses to even print it. And while you like my writing as is I don’t think I can handle more reviews that want to see babies thrown in the middle of a dark/angst plot. Why would I want to write for people who won’t even appreciate it?”

“Then don’t write for them. Write for me and all the other people who must be tiered of the same old fluff every week. If I have too I will personally bash every other author in the paper for it if you just give me something good to read at the end of the day. So far this is as close to actually knowing what sex is like as I can get. I need you…” Colin whined. How sad had he become that a piece of paper was the closest thing he had to losing his virginity.

“Oh ok. If it will shut you up I will. But you better be ready to review like you said.” John finally consented. Secretly he pitied him for Colin’s as of yet failed attempts at finally getting laid. If the boy didn’t succeed soon, John was seriously thinking of taking matters in hand and dealing with Colin's virginity personally. Maybe if he had a bit of experience he would have the confidence to get a boyfriend to occupy his mind instead of a pornographic fan fiction paper.

One week ago…..

Snape was in better spirits then usual. The fiction he had been working on was going fairly well. When Remus over came his squeamishness on the fact that it was porn with plot and characters from a children’s novel, he turned out to be an excellent source of help. By sheer accident, raven prince ended up with a good…what’s the word? Oh yes, beta, and a story that covered the most frequently asked questions but looked like a nice dark!fic with bondage. And to make his life even better, tonight was a drinking party. Surely his sense of accomplishment would only grow with a few detentions, and he may even find time to finish off his tale later that evening.

‘Time to hunt miscreants’ he thought to himself as he headed out that night. The party had been running for the past hour and a half, so there were sure to be plenty of students in the middle of very damning activities. Rounding a corner near the classroom rumored to contain the drinking, he spotted the perfect set up for a weak of detentions and perhaps tears. Filled with sadistic glee, he glided into the open classroom door…..and had all he could do not to embarrass himself.

There was his godson, a boy whose dirty nappies he had changed, snoring and drooling, ass in the air, pants round his knees, with the creepy potter stalker’s fingers in aforementioned ass. Blood was not spilled as the stalker-boy had also noticed the snoring and appeared to have lost interest in what was clearly planned prior to the teacher’s arrival. That would not however keep him from handing out detentions for the violation of his eyes.

“Mr. Creevey.” he stated with barely concealed rage.

The odd boy turned to his furious professor with nearly inhumanly wide eyes, shivering with fear “Sir, this most definitely is not what it looks like!” he announced in a panic.

“SILENCE. Let me assure you, before you try to give a painful explanation as to why your fingers are in my sleeping godson’s ass, I DON’T WANT TO KNOW. Just accept your month of detention quietly, and remove them. NOW. And go back to your dormitory.”

Well, that sure to the fun out of the night. In spite of this, Snape decided the best solution was to find more students to punish for his bad mood. Draco was clearly not waking up any thin soon and was too much of a light weight to get alcohol poisoning, so he spelled the pants back on and left to get to work. The sooner he had time for his own fire whiskey the better.