Chosen

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The hooting of an owl in the distance drew him from his reverie, the iciness of the barren planks beneath him seeping into his bones. He pulled his legs to his chest, resting his head on his knees. His mind was a chaotic mess, thoughts jumping around and not making sense. One thought was constant, and the possibility of it being true made him want to vomit and disappear.

Sirius hates me now. If Sirius hates me, then James does too, and whatever James does Peter will do also.

He tossed his head back, eyes wide and unseeing. He shouldn't have said anything; shouldn't have given in to Sirius' curious and slightly demanding nature. He couldn't deal with anymore rejections, especially from the only close friends he had ever made. Seven years of friendship, gone. Idiot. Idiot.

A noise from below him made him freeze, inside and out. He thought back rapidly and sighed in relief when he realized that he hadn't said anything out loud. The trap door across the room creaked open, revealing shaggy black hair. Glasses perched on a nose that had been broken innumerable times, a wide mouth with a permanent grin, followed by broad shoulders, a thin waist and long legs belonging to the one and only James Potter. Remus slowly stretched his legs out, crossing his arms over his chest in a defensive position.

"Um... hey, Moony."

A noncommittal grunt was the other boy's reply. James pulled himself up and onto the floor, sitting a good 10 feet away from Remus. The werewolf focused on a point above James' right shoulder, a mask of indifference pasted onto his face.

"Look, I.... Sirius and I, we..."

Remus' eyes locked onto James', glaring. When he spoke, his voice was low and monotone, betraying nothing.

"What, James? Have you come to gawk at the gay werewolf? Are you doing Sirius' biding now, following whatever he tells you to do?"

James shook his head, wide eyes magnified by his glasses. Remus had always thought that the other boy looked strange in the glasses, like the frames were too big for his face, and that the circular frames hid his eyes. At his silence, Remus deflated, shoulders sagging and breath escaping in a quiet sigh.

"R-Remus, please, listen."

James hardly ever called him by his name, opting for 'Moony' any chance he could get. Whenever he was called 'Remus', the boy meant serious business. He lolled his head to the side, nodding to acknowledge the request.

"What you heard, that time with McMillan, it wasn't what you thought. Well, ok, it was, but not all the way. You see, Trent had been caught by McGonagall, you remember? And Sirius was laughing at him for getting caught, and with another bloke at that. But, Moony, we weren't laughing because he was gay, we were laughing because he got caught! Yeah, the thought is a little weird to me, knowing a gay person, but that doesn't mean that we hate you."

James pushed his glasses up his nose with one hand, the other twitching against his thigh. The gesture was a nervous one, reserved for talking to Lily or a teacher. Remus could tell that he made the other boy nervous, and he hated himself. First, he was a werewolf. Now, he was a gay werewolf. God, the bastard, was a cruel man. He sighed and dropped his head, his chin resting against his clavicle.

"James, I want you to leave. Give me the map. Don't tell anyone where I am. Especially not Sirius, understand?"

James wordlessly pulled the Map from his trouser pocket and placed it on the floor by Remus' feet. He stood and turned, all awkward boy-limbs and sad eyes, disappearing down the trapdoor. Remus drew in a deep breath, grabbing the Map and crumpling the parchment in his fist. It made a satisfying sound, dry paper and dry ink, painstakingly created over the course of 2 years.

As he turned the Map over and tapped it with his wand, he realized something. Like the parchment in his hands, his friendships were brittle, held in the fickle hands of Fate. He held the paper gently, hoping that his life would be handled the same. He could see James' dot moving swiftly in the direction of the castle, the words James Potter flickering in and out of existence; one more kink in the long list of problems that wasn't yet addressed with the charms placed on the Map. The name, like the person, should be a stable presence, should be constant, and not disappear.

Remus scanned the parchment, passing over Filch on the third floor, Dumbledore in his office, Sirius Black by Hagrid's hut, Lily Evans pacing the common room. His gaze jerked back to Sirius' name, the tiny footprints coming closer to his location. He cursed and deactivated the Map, swearing revenge on James for ousting his location.

********

Sirius ran past James, raising his arm in a quick wave as acknowledgment. He already knew where Remus was; he always knew. He came to an abrupt halt a meter away from the flailing arms of the Whomping Willow, frantically searching for a long branch to prod to knot at the base of the tree and open the portal. He found one and grabbed it, wishing fervently that Peter was there with him, but only so that he could open it without needing the stick. This is wasting time! he thought, throwing the branch aside when the Willow froze.

He crawled into the tunnel, ducking as the low ceiling almost knocked him flat, cursing the the roots that seemed to suddenly be bloody everywhere. He stumbled once and fell to the ground, landing hard, scraping his palms and bruising his knees.

"Dammit!"

He wiped the traces of blood from his hands onto his jeans and stood. His heart was beating ridiculously fast, a sharp staccato that pounded in his chest. Sweat dripped into his eyes, momentarily blinding him. He blinked rapidly and found himself in the den of the Shack, one floor below the main room. The trapdoor with the ladder was a few meters ahead of him. When had he gotten so close? The mad dash seemed at once fast and slow, confusing him.

Sirius drew in a deep breath and tried to collect his thoughts, concrete details dancing on the edge of his subconscious. He tried to muster a solid reason for coming here, but nothing came to him. His rashness, like always, had led him here. He wanted to talk to Moony, to Remus, and fix things. How he knew that things needed fixing, he couldn't say. He didn't want his relationship with Remus to become strained. So what if the other boy was gay? He could handle it. He hoped.

He walked to the ladder and began to climb, stopping when his hands brushed against the door above him. He braced himself be hooking his elbow around the rung and spread his legs for balance, pushing up with his free hand. The door creaked open and fell to the floor with a soft thump. He climbed the last few feet and hesitantly popped his head up, eyes darting around the room in search for Remus.

He spotted the werewolf sitting on the spartan mattress that lay on the floor across the room, pushed against the wall. Remus sat with his legs folded Indian style, his hands resting on his knees. His wand lay by his side on top of the folded Map. Sirius hefted himself up and onto the floor. He met Remus' gaze and flinched at the stony stare that greeted him.

"Remus-" he began, but stopped when the other boy held up a hand, signaling silence. He would have laughed at his immediate obedience if it wasn't normal, if he hadn't always reacted to Remus that way. Ever since he had become an Animagus, he had acted with the utmost obedience around the werewolf, the involuntary reaction bothering him immensely.

"What do you want, Sirius? Have you come to laugh at me again?"

"No! Moony, I came to apologize."

Remus flinched at the use of his nickname, the action confusing Sirius. Remus usually liked the name, had actually chosen it himself so that he wouldn't be the only Marauder without one. Before he could dwell on the strange reaction, Remus was talking again.

"Do you think that an apology can magically make everything better? You laughed at me, Sirius. That was the last thing that I thought you, of all people, would do. It wasn't easy, telling you that I'm gay."

"Moony, please!" he pleaded, standing.

"NO!" Remus yelled, surging to his feet in anger, hands balled into tight fists at his sides.

Sirius took a step back and made a noise in the back of his throat that sounded suspiciously like a whimper. If he had been Padfoot, his ears would have been flat against his skull and his tail would have been between his legs. Remus, quiet, studious Remus, was hardly ever angry, and had never shouted in Sirius' presence before. He didn't know what to do, what to say.

Remus advanced towards him, radiating anger and confusion and something that Sirius didn't recognize. He took another step backwards and was suddenly at the edge of the trapdoor, dangerously close to falling through. He held his hands out in front of him to ward Remus off, hoping that he wouldn't fall.

"Remus, wait. Please, listen. I didn't mean to laugh, I swear! But really, how else should I have reacted?" He was getting angry now as well. It was unfair of Remus to accuse him like this, to make him out as the bad party in this fiasco.

Remus came to a halt a few feet away, breathing hard. His nostrils flared rather comically, his cheeks tinged a rosy hue. The sheer amount of energy pulsating from him was intimidating, and Sirius knew that it was pure magic, unstable and finicky. He tampered down his anger, not wanting to set the boy off. He took a careful step forward and reached for Remus, placing his hands slowly on his shoulders. Remus stiffened, probably from anger. His eyes darkened as well, the normal amber deepening to bronze.

"Remus? Come on, mate, be reasonable. I'm sorry, ok? I was a litte shocked. Alright, I was really shocked. It won't happen again, I swear." He clenched his hands on Remus' shoulders, eyes pouting at the other boy to forgive him and end this... whatever it was.

Remus closed his eyes and drew in a deep breath, chest expanding with the the exhalation. Sirius' attention was drawn to Remus' hands, which had been in the process of moving up and out, as if to grab him. He shivered involuntarily and let go, waiting.

"Fine."

"Pardon?"

"Fine, dammit. Fine. I forgive you. I..." Remus swallowed, causing his adams' apple to bob. Sirius' eyes went there of their own volition, watching the motion. He blinked, unnerved at his sudden obsession with Remus' throat. He was so mesmerized by the toned flesh that he missed what Remus said next. He looked up, abashed, and flushed.

"Sorry. Er... what was that?"

"Go away now, Padfoot. I need to think." Remus turned away, one hand rubbing his temple as if his head hurt.

A sudden thought came to Sirius then, and before he could censor it, he was speaking.

"Moony, you don't fancy anyone I know, do you?" The words gushed out, completely without his permission. Stupid bloody mouth.

Remus froze, half-way to the mattress. He turned around and opened his mouth, but nothing came out. He blushed then, something that Remus seemed to be doing a lot of. He closed his mouth, flustered.

"Oh, blimey. I'm sorry. I don't need to know if you don't want to tell me. I'm so sorry. Forget I said anything." Sirius turned away and started toward the trapdoor, embarrassed at his lack of self control.

"Sirius."

The sound of his name stopped him. The way Remus said it this time was different than the way he normally did, as if uttering the word caused him pain. He didn't turn, afraid of what he would see. Oh no. Please, no. Not me. Not me.

Remus cleared his throat behind him, and he continued to wait, ever obedient.

"Can you keep a secret?" Remus finally asked, whispering.

"Of course." he replied, confused.

"Yes, you know him. And no, I won't tell you his name. You can't tell James, or anyone for that matter, about my... crush."

"I swear not to. I... I'm leaving now. See you later."

Sirius walked away then, confused and relieved at the same time. He knew the bloke Remus fancied, which meant that it wasn't him. Right?

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