Forgiveness

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Forgiveness

Chapter 2

Severus welcomed the change from the Pleistocene scree east of the Mississippi River to the rolling flatlands to the south and west. They followed the Muggle highways, innovations much-needed in this land of vast, blank skies and rolling grasslands. They drove from Chicago to Kansas City, Missouri during rush hour, and trekked well south into Kansas before stopping to rest for the day.

Severus sank wearily to the dinette-style booth that served as seating around the table in the caravan. Joseph Pony, still trying to make up for the destruction he had wrought before they left Chicago, offered to make the evening meal as he had for the last three days. The gesture would have been appreciated, had the boy known how to make food that was actually edible. Severus would have to teach him once they were settled.

The boy was looking through the pantry, a smallish closet, floor to very low ceiling, that could hold two cans high and two wide on each of its decrepit shelves. The space limited them on their choices, and Severus was definitely not in the mood for one of the boy's surprise casseroles, which usually came as more surprise than casserole.

Stella flopped next to Severus, rubbing her eyes sleepily. He noted that her colour was a little high, but thought it may have been from the unusual heat of the day. She leaned against him, settling her head on his shoulder. It had been only weeks ago that Severus would have reprimanded the girl for such familiarity, but he had become used to both the children seeking his attention in such a manner. He sat stiffly next to her, unable to formulate a more suitable reaction to the girl's open affection. She yawned, showing her white teeth all the way back. “Uncle 'Rus, please tell me you're going to cook.”

“Shut up, squirt,” Joseph Pony rounded on her. “Can't you see Mr. Tuvock's dead tired?”

The imp stuck her tongue out at the boy's back as he began rustling around in the cupboard again. “Better than dying from eating your food. Blech!”

Blech, indeed. Severus gave a small smile at the girl's comment. He remembered seeing a diner a few miles back in the town through which they had passed to get to the KOA campground they were in now. Severus' tone was measured, but tinged with humour as he gave into the fleeting desire to have one night of pleasure before he had to settle into his new position. “I believe we can afford to dine out tonight.”

Stella's reaction was immediate and joyous. She gamboled about as Severus went to unhook the caravan from the ball-hitch on the truck. Joseph Pony followed him outside, expertly stripping the tail-light wires from the hook-up and retrieving the jack from behind the seat of the cab of the truck. They had done this the Muggle way many times in the last months. The boy whispered tightly, “We're gonna need that money when we get there.”

Severus studiously ignored the comment as he piled the bricks that were stowed in the bed of the truck under the hitch, then positioned the jack on them. He began pumping the ancient hydraulic device to lift the hitch enough so that the truck might be driven out from underneath it. The older wizard threw the keys to the pick-up at the boy, who caught them expertly, and started the vehicle. When the jack was high enough, Severus waved, and the boy eased the truck out carefully. Stella had been watching in rapt attention, as she always did during the process. Once the truck was pulled well away, she made her way to the spot that was hers in the middle of the bench seat.

Severus placed a sticking charm on her, and went to the passenger-side door. Joseph Pony beamed at the older wizard as he realised he would be allowed to drive. Severus found it strange that American wizards considered it a rite of passage to learn to drive, while obtaining an Apparation license was not a momentous occasion. He thought it may have something to do with the vastness of the land. Apparation was generally useful only short distances, and broom-travel impractical for the same reason. In the States, the automobile was king, even in the wizarding world.

Joseph Pony switched on the radio, an ancient chrome and plastic device that accessed only AM frequencies, and began fiddling with dials. He settled on a static-ridden station that was playing Native American flute music. “Sounds like home, ennit?”

He flashed a quick smile to his cousin, who grimaced. “Too much like it. I wish we were going to be there for the Pow Wow in the summer.”

Joseph Pony nodded, darting a closed glance at Severus. “Maybe Mr. Tuvock will take a vacation.”

Severus made no comment. He had not envisioned his life past the next job in so long, that it was impossible for him to give the two reassurances about the next month, much less the coming summer. He closed his eyes and drifted.

&*&*&

"You think you're alone, but every life you've ever touched is with you.”

The Old Woman puffed her pipe into the damp night air. Her white hair was unbound, a thin nimbus around her head and shoulders. Severus listened to the crickets chirrup, claiming their mates and their territory. He moved slightly, and the ancient webbed lawn-chair squeaked.

“You take Joseph Pony's daddy. He took in that girl like she was his own after her parents died in that fire. If he hadn't done that, then Joseph Pony woulda gone wild like him. My son's never been a good man, that's why he died in prison, but he done a good thing for that girl and it got passed on to Joseph Pony. Not that Stella don't pester him some. But that's the way things work. Spider and Coyote is always looking for opportunities to tease us and make us better for it.”

Severus stretched his long legs out; the Old Woman's homily was beyond him at the moment. He had spent the day helping the boy round up stray cattle for the Reservation. Cattle, Severus found, were stupid, foul beasts with temperaments closely akin to a herd of rabid Jarveys. He was dreadfully tired, but unable to sleep yet.

“Even though you don't think it, you're a good man, Severus. You got a lot of Coyote in you. Coyote's a trickster, but he's good.”

Night loomed large in the sky, chasing the sun away. Severus pulled a blade of buffalo grass from the sod, twirling it between his fingers before he transfigured it into a moth. He let it go to its pointless death in the flames from the lantern that lit the night. The Old Woman chuckled around the pipe stem in her mouth.

She peered at the horizon, watching the sun fall off the world, before she continued. “You ever gonna tell me about that old man you killed? Or them women you saved? They're linked to you just like Joseph Pony's dad linked him with his cousin, and now you. Good and bad, all balled up like string that you may have a use for.”

Severus stood slowly, letting his hair fall to cover his eyes. “Goodnight, Madam.”

&*&*&

Yellow incandescence shone through the thin membrane of Severus' eyelids. He felt the light hit his face and drift off to black as they drove down the lamp lined street, over and over. Joseph Pony was whistling softly through his teeth, a shrill noise that usually set Severus' teeth on edge, but was comforting in his half-dozed state. He felt Stella shift, her body hot and sticky from the layers of clothing he had made her wear that day. Severus sat up as he felt the truck slow and begin its ponderous turn into the parking lot of the diner. Joseph Pony smirked, “Thought we was gonna hafta eat alone.”

The older man shifted to cover his wand work as he released Stella from the sticking charm.

They entered the establishment, a building of unknown vintage that had once been a house. He was expecting the interior to look something akin to the horror that was Madam Puddifoot's, and was relieved to see that it did not. He was, however, somewhat surprised to be reminded of the interior of a well-kept barn. Sickles, saw-blades and the hood of an ancient John Deere tractor decorated the walls. The floors were polished industrial tiles and the cash register was of an ancient vintage with its many buttons, levers, and ornate bronze case.

Joseph Pony made his way to a booth, upholstered in red gingham plastic. He slid into it and assumed his pose of arrogant insouciance. Stella stayed beside Severus, clinging shyly to his side as they walked the gauntlet of occupied tables to join her cousin.

Joseph Pony looked up at the front of the room to a signboard boasting the Blue Plate Special. “Looks like you're in luck, squirt; it's liver and onions tonight.”

“I hate liver,” Stella murmured before sitting. “But it's still better than your cooking.”

Severus situated himself beside the boy, who sat facing the door. “Man, I hate when you sit by me. It makes us look gay.”

Severus quirked his brow, while retrieving a worn, plastic-encased menu from behind the condiments. “I suppose you think others’ assumptions on my sexual orientation should bother me?”

The boy rolled his eyes and flipped a menu to his cousin before grabbing one for himself. They perused the menu in silence as a mousy waitress approached. She waited until Severus looked up, before asking, her voice soft, “What do you want to drink?”

Joseph Pony and Stella answered in unison, “Dr. Pepper.”

“The boy may have a soft drink, but the girl will have milk,” Severus countermanded over Stella's strenuous objections. “I should like a pot of tea, if you have it?”

The waitress scribbled his instructions on her pad, then frowned. “I'm sorry, Mister, we don't have hot tea, would iced tea do?”

Severus inclined his head politely. “Certainly.”

The waitress, a girl barely out of the schoolroom, by her looks, coloured. She ran a hand over her iron-flat, brown hair. Severus noted the grace of the movement. A tendril of longing curled around his gut; he broke the spell by looking away. The girl stared at him a moment more before retreating to what served as, Severus assumed, the kitchen.

Joseph Pony gave a low teasing laugh. “Hey, Tuvock, she wants you to tap that.”

“Mr. Red Horse, not another word,” Severus growled, giving the boy a warning look. Joseph Pony looked back at his menu, flushing from the reprimand.

Severus placed their order when the blushing waitress returned with their drinks. She paused before she departed, casting an almost coquettish look over her shoulder, her eyes alight with a welcoming gleam. Severus scowled. Stella watched the interchange with rapt attention and Joseph Pony sniggered.

The waitress returned several times to refresh Joseph Pony's drink. The boy seemed suspiciously thirsty. Every time she did, he moved his glass further from her reach. Severus was treated to a view of meagre cleavage and cheap cotton bra each time she stretched for the glass.

“I'm sorry.” she said, the last time, blushing and biting her lip. Severus endured the girl's attentions, mildly flattered despite the constant stream of invective that flowed through his mind about his unworthiness.

The last time she came to the table, the girl tried to engage him conversation. “So are y'all from around here?”

Severus was stony in his silence. Joseph Pony answered, “No, we're just passin' through. Uncle 'Rus here just got a job.”

“Oh, really? What do you do?” she asked, resting her foot against her shin on top of the other foot. Severus swept his gaze from her thin, bare leg to her hip, her pink uniform's hem sagging where the stitching had come undone. Unaccountable desire flickered through him.

“He's a chemist,” Stella answered, smiling.

Joseph Pony volunteered, “We're staying out at the KOA camp tonight.”

“So, are you English?” The girl wet her lips, and Severus felt his long-abandoned lust blaze to life. He dared not look at the plain girl, lest he give in to the temptation to indulge himself in her obvious invitation.

“Yes,” he replied tersely, his jaws knotting over the word.

“Well, we're closing in a few minutes.” The girl paused a moment more, then said a little sadly, “It was nice meeting ya'll.”

Severus fished a ten-dollar bill out of his wallet, and made his way to the cash register, where the girl waited for him. He handed her the tip, then paid for the meal. He swept out of the diner, wishing for the thousandth time that he could hide under the cover of his robes and his dramatic manner. Joseph Pony followed, laughingly saying, “Man, I don't know what's wrong with you. If I had someone throw their self at me like that, I'd ‘a gone with it.”

Severus pulled the boy's arm, his anger blazing out of his thin control. “Do not presume that you know me, just because we are forced to endure each other's company, Mr. Red Horse. I do not engage the affections of young girls. I do not inflict my person upon anyone if I can help it.”

“Lighten up.” The boy's eyes widened as he struggled to release himself from the painful grasp in which the older wizard held him. “I didn't mean anything by it. I was just teasing you.”

Severus, cognizant of Stella's presence, released his hold. “Take your cousin to the caravan. I will return shortly.”

The boy spun on his heel, anger lining his face. “Come on, Stella. The old bastard don't want us around.”

Severus sank to a concrete barrier as the boy peeled out of the parking lot, squealing the tires as he left. He knew he had bollucksed up the entire evening, and was aware that the boy had teased him out of some sense of affection. The betrayal he felt was his own, stemming from his desire for a woman that was not Lily.

&*&*&

He had been twenty-one when he had lost his virginity. He had spent an idyllic summer day in study in Lucius' library; the wind wafting through the open windows promised a cool evening. Lucius entered the room, scowling. “Severus, there's a matter we need to discuss.”

Severus looked at the older man, now married to Narcissa, and as content as any man might be, given the dangerous game that held them in thrall. Severus looked up from his book, wary. Service to the Dark Lord was becoming increasingly difficult and fraught with onerous duties. Both men chaffed under its yoke. Lucius had been called away the evening before and had returned in brooding solemnity, his normally impeccable robes covered in gore. Severus knew better than to ask what task had made his thus. He really did not want to know whom the man had been asked to torture or kill, maybe both. “Yes?”

“It has come to Our Lord's attention that you have not participated in certain acts during our interrogation of prisoners.” Lucius eased himself onto the divan adjacent to the desk which Severus occupied. “He wonders about your ability to follow him if you do not partake of the rewards he offers.”

For the first time since Severus had met his friend, Lucius seemed ill-at-ease. Severus placed his marker carefully in the book he read before closing it. “You know I won't do that.”

Lucius hissed, “Severus, I have a woman, a Mudblood, here now. The Dark Lord wants her broken before he sends her back to her family. You know I cannot do it. If Rodolphus were about, I would ask him, but he's away.”

“No,” Severus said as Lily's lithe form danced in his memory. He would not defile the act in that manner. “You knew the consequences of the Fidelity Charm. You should have found a way around it.”

Lucius winced. “You know that was her father's stipulation given the scandal of Bella's and Rodolphus' acts.”

“There were other women available,” Severus replied evenly. “Why didn't you choose one without that stipulation? You knew it would displease The Dark Lord.”

“Dammit man, I've got a child on the way. If I fail...” Lucius' eyes blazed coldly for a moment before he sagged against the back of the divan. “I've administered a Calming Draught to the girl. You can pretend she's that Mudblood of whom you were so fond.”

Severus stood, feeling as if he had been hit with a Jelly-Legs Jinx. “It seems you've thought of everything. Very well, but know that you will owe me a debt and I will collect someday.”

Lucius bowed his head. “She's in the Blue Room.”

“How appropriate.” Severus swept from the room, his robes billowing.

&*&*&

“Hey, Mister, you all right?”

Severus peered through the curtain of his hair into the soft brown eyes of the waitress. She sat next to him on the concrete divider, her cardigan draped over her shoulders unbuttoned in the chill of the spring night. “I'm sorry if I made you mad earlier. I just thought... Well, not many men look at me the way you did.”

“I know that feeling well,” Severus chuckled darkly, turning his gaze to her. “You did not offend me.”

Severus watched a stray lock of hair flutter against the girl's cheek. He moved it aside, brushing her cheek. She looked at him through lowered lashes. Severus ran his fingertips over her lips, the roughness of the digits contrasting pleasingly with her soft plumpness. Her tongue darted out, experimentally tasting him. He kissed her, taking time to allow her to get used to the idea of his harsh features and his unpracticed touch.

&*&*&

The woman huddled in a corner as far away from the bed as she could get physically. She was unclothed, presumably prepared for him by Lucius. Severus sat next to her, knowing there were ways to ready her body for his intrusion, but unsure how to implement them. He drew her into his arms, giving as much comfort as he dared. She lifted her stricken eyes to his. “Please don't.”

“I must.” She flinched at the harshness of his tone. “If I don't, we all die.”

He caressed her back, allowing himself a moment for a physiological response to take effect. She felt him grow hard against her and began crying softly. He kissed her temple. “I'm sorry. Imperio!”

When he had finished his duty to the Dark Lord, he exited the room and vomited in the marble hallway.

&*&*&

The girl took him to her house, a white clapboard structure on the edge of town. He stood in the entryway allowing her to undress him. Even in Muggle clothing, he preferred the unassailability of button-front shirts to the ease of pullovers. She breathed against his neck as she kissed the scars left by Nagini, a souvenir of Tom Riddle's last insult to Severus. He gently lifted her lank hair from her shoulders, kissing along her delicate jaw. She gasped as he nipped her neck, then lightly abraded the flesh with his tongue, tasting her cheap perfume and the redness of her wind-burned skin.

She drew him to her sparsely-furnished chambers and he fell on her, hungrily exposing her thin frame to his eyes. Her hands roved over his years of scars, accumulated since his childhood, rings of a twisted tree. He paused. “You do not have to do this, you know.”

“You don't either.” She drew him to her, into her body. They twined around each other striving for completion.

After they had spent themselves, he made to leave. No woman wanted to wake to his face. She pulled him back. “Don't go yet.”

He settled next to her, letting himself fall to uneasy slumber.

&*&*&

Severus entered the chamber, slipping uncomfortably into his role. The Dark Lord sat on a dais, his gaunt form enrobed in expensive velvets and silk, the symbols of his bourgeois, grasping nature.

The assembled Dark Brethren shifted to allow Severus access to the circle which they had formed. The dark wizard looked forward dispassionately, his eyes resting on the girl he had been forced to rape that afternoon. He cursed Lucius. The girl was to have been returned to her family, ill-used, but alive. Severus dared not seek his friend's eyes out in the assemblage, his fury was too near the surface.

“Severus, step forward,” came the Dark Lord's high, cold voice. Severus was reminded of the petty tyranny of schoolyard bullies.

He complied, kneeling yards away from the man. “How may I serve you, my Lord?”

“Your brother, Lucius, reported of your conquest this afternoon. I wish you to repeat the performance for all our enjoyment.” The monster smiled.

Severus balked, he could not do that again, not now, if ever. “Please, my Lord, I find the act, on the whole, distasteful.”

“Certainly, I would not want to upset your sensibilities. Very well, if you will not participate in the rewards,” The Dark Lord gave a laconic wave of his wand. “I will let you have a taste of the punishment. Crucio!”

Severus felt his teeth grind and crack painfully as he bit down against the pain. The Dark Lord said, “Rodolphus, finish her off properly.”

&*&*&

“It's okay, you're dreaming... shhh.”

Severus felt cool arms envelop him. He buried his head in the girl's chest, taking sobbing breaths to ease the visions away.

“Mister, it's okay. Whatever it was that scared you, it's all over.”

Severus wished it were.



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