Draco Malfoy is a Sexy Bass Turd

Though she had read and reread practically every book in the library by the time exam week had ended, Hermione couldn’t manage to shake the nagging feeling that she was forgetting something. She was able to answer every single question on the tests without so much as straining a brain cell, but the feeling was still there, urging her to uncover it. It was worse at night, when images of Malfoy haunted her dreams and the feelings intensified, but when she would awaken she simply hoped her subconscious was reminding her to kill the little ferret if the opportunity presented itself.

Hermione awoke on the Saturday morning after exams were over with a groan. There was no longer the pressure of NEWT’s to distract her from the anger she felt towards Malfoy, and the irritating sensation that she was overlooking something was now at the forefront of her mind along with the blonde bastard.

After staring at the ceiling for twenty minutes and still failing to clear her head, Hermione decided a trip to the Gryffindor common room was as good of a distraction as any. After all, she only had a week left before graduation, and who knew when she would see her housemates again, if ever. Though she wasn’t particularly close to anyone besides Harry, Ron and Ginny, who she knew would remain her friends for life, she still felt sad about parting ways with the people she had shared the past sever years of her life with. And then there was leaving Hogwarts itself; the home of so many memories, good and bad, she almost felt like she would be leaving behind a part of herself.

The energy in the Gryffindor tower was mixed. Though everyone seemed to be relieved that exams had ended, there was also a melancholy that spread throughout the seventh years. In seven days their seven years at Hogwarts would be over. It was the end of an era.

She spotted Ron and Harry at once, playing wizard chess near the fireplace while a small group of people observed. Ginny was sitting next to Harry, their hands entwined under the table. As Hermione approached them, Harry turned towards her and a huge grin split across his face, while Ginny couldn’t seem to look her in the eyes, but she too held a grin that matched Harry’s, only with flaming red cheeks to go along with it. Hermione sensed a girl talk was probably unavoidable within the next couple of days, but she figured she could handle it as long as Ginny was the one doing the talking.

She was glad Harry had taken her advice that night on the lake the previous week. It was nice to have her friend back to his happy and outgoing self, but how close had she come to crossing that line of friendship? Could that be her sitting next to Harry, while Ginny glared at them from across the room? Or worse, what if Harry had caught her in the lake with Malfoy? Would he have cursed Malfoy within an inch of his life and never talked to her again? Or would he have given in to his sexual urges just like she had, and joined them?

“Hermione, are you ok?” Ginny asked. Hermione jumped in her seat and was surprised to find everyone staring intently at her. The chess game had ended, and her friends had finally become aware that their friend’s brain was somewhere else.

“Yeah, of course!” she answered to her silent spectators, chuckling uncomfortably when they just continued to gawk at her. “Just umm… sad, you know? This could be the last time you play chess together in the common room, it’s even going to be our last time on the Hogwarts express in a few short days! There’s no more exams, or trips to Hagrid’s, or quidditch games to look forward to! Am I the only one who’s upset by this?” she asked, looking around the room at her fellow housemates’ newly crestfallen faces.

Nice pep talk… she thought, feeling slightly guilty for killing the mood.

“Hermione, I think you’re the only one on the planet who could ever be upset by the prospect of no more exams,” Ron laughed. “I can’t say I’m not sad about quidditch though, I’ll really miss beating the Slytherin’s arses off their fancy broomsticks every year.”

“Yeah…” agreed Harry and Ginny together, sighing as they reminisced on the good ol’ days of quidditch.

Hermione on the other hand, would not miss quidditch against the Slytherin’s in the slightest. Wasn’t it the very last game that had started the Malfoy mess in the first place? Yes, she remembered it clearly, her hormones had taken over the second she saw the pearly white skin of his chest in those post-game, no shirt moments. It had only gotten worse from there…

A sudden thought hit her like a bludger to the head. She instantly got up and practically ran towards the portrait hole, leaving her very confused and worried friends in her wake, but she couldn’t waste time on an explanation. She had to find him now.

Unfortunately, Malfoy was not in their shared common room or his bedroom. He was not on the grounds or on floors one through seven of the castle, as Hermione had checked each and every one of them. She even ventured into the men’s bathroom and faced the magical urinals, but to no avail. Hermione had no choice but to conclude that he must be in the one place she so did not want to go to. She considered going back to their Heads’ quarters and waiting for him to return, but even as she thought it her feet were already moving towards the dungeons. She couldn’t wait another minute. She needed answers, even if they did lie in the serpent’s den, where she liked to think Hogwarts tried to hide its misfits away from the rest of the castle…

“High society,” Hermione spoke to the bare concrete wall. ’High society’… really? That was the best they could come up with? Perhaps the common room was under the lake for a reason, so that someday the wall would break and eradicate the dim-wits of the wizarding world in one go.

If only…

However, this was no time for wishful thinking. She held her head high as she weaved her way through high-backed chairs, trying to ignore the stares and murderous looks she was getting from their occupants. At first she didn’t even see him, and she started to panic, realizing this trip to the snake pit may be completely pointless. But then she heard the sneering voice that could only be his, and she actually breathed a sigh of relief.

“Lost, mudblood?” he called down to her. A girl Hermione knew to be Astoria Greengrass, who was hanging on Draco’s arm, laughed obnoxiously at this. Malfoy looked rather pleased with himself as he came down the stairs that lead to the Slytherin girls’ dormitories. Her lips thinned in anger as she tried not to think about what he was doing up there, and focus on the reason she was subjecting herself to this torture.

“We need to talk,” she stated clearly and formally, not looking at the simpering girl with the flushed cheeks that was still clinging to him.

“I’m rather busy at the moment, as you can see,” he replied with an arrogant smirk. “I’m sure whatever you have to say is of no importance to me. And if it is, I really couldn’t care less, now could I?” He tapped his finger to his chin and pretended to be deep in thought for a minute. “Nope, I definitely couldn’t care less, now run along,” he finished, turning on his heel while the entire room erupted in laughter. How dare he embarrass her in front of his entire house! She was still Head Girl for the next seven days and that warranted at least the illusion of respect! He was such an incredible bastard that she thought she might actually be better off not knowing. If only she could let herself not care! Ugh!

“I’m sorry, was I not clear enough?” she asked sarcastically. “We. Need. To. Talk. NOW.”

He glared at her, and her eyes narrowed in response, her hands on her hips and her foot tapping impatiently. The room had gone completely silent. All he could hear was the rhythmic tapping of her foot.

Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap-

“Fine! I’ll give you exactly ten minutes of my time… This better be good, Granger,” he growled at her. Satisfied, she turned to leave, ignoring the eyes that followed her every step until she finally escaped to the solace of the hallway. It took Malfoy an entire three minutes to finally join her. God forbid he not try to test her patience, like she wasn’t already completely on edge!

“You are such an asshole!” she burst out, no longer able to keep her emotions in check. “I mean really! It’s like the assholes of the world had a giant asshole convention and elected a King and Queen asshole and they had a kid who was an even bigger asshole, and somehow that kid met the asshole offspring of the former King and Queen asshole and they rubbed their giant assholes together and had YOU!”

Hermione could hardly catch her breath after her eruption of volcanic proportions. She had to steady herself against the wall, and when that didn’t help she slid down it to the floor in a graceless heap. Malfoy stared down at her and let her cool down for a minute. He had never seen her so fuming mad. Not that she didn’t have a good reason, but the fact that she loathed him so deeply left him with unwelcome feelings of hurt. Not that she would ever know that if he could help it.

“Six minutes left, Granger,” he sneered down at her. The heated glare he got in return actually made him take a step back. “Err… fine… eight minutes… Now what did you need to talk to me about so urgently?” he asked in a slightly nicer tone. When his housemates weren’t around it was harder to be so mean to her. This fact didn’t exactly thrill him.

She closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. Did she really need to know? More importantly, did she really want to? What if the answer was yes? Could she possibly be any more angry with him? Or worse, what if he didn’t? Then she had no one to blame but herself…

She looked up at him at last, her mouth still set in a scowl, but at least she was no longer trying to melt his skin off with her eyes. He took a brave step closer and cleared his throat.

“Well?”

Her mouth fell open to ask her burning question, but no words came out. She imagined just walking away and forgetting about the entire thing, but deep down she knew her nagging brain would never rest until she knew. She had no other choice but to ask.

“Did you really give me a lust potion?” she said softly, staring him down incase he tried to lie to her again.

His chin almost hit the floor. He was expecting her to ask why he did it, not if he did it. He didn’t know what to say.

“Why are you asking me that?” he finally responded.

“I… I-“ she stuttered. Did she really want him to know that she was already lusting after him, if he had in actuality, slipped her the potion after that fact? She supposed it really didn’t matter that much. They were leaving and she would hopefully never have to see him again in seven short days. She might as well just spit it out, though she was sure she would regret it if the latter was true.

“Because I started to want you before the day you supposedly slipped me the potion,” she said quickly, unable to look him in the eye while she spoke. When minutes passed and he still had no response she finally looked up at him. He wasn’t sneering at her like she thought he would be; he just looked at a loss for words.

“Please, just tell me the truth,” Hermione pleaded. “I don’t care either way,” she added on, even though she knew that part was a lie.

He said nothing. Instead he took a step forward and joined her on the floor, praying no one would be venturing down this part of the castle and see him. He looked her straight in the eyes, while she searched his for answers that he didn’t think he should give.

“Why does it matter?” he asked her seriously. “I mean… you hated me before, and you hate me now, which is what you and Potter and Weasel do best. It’s like nothing happened between us… What else could you want?”

Nothing. That should have been exactly what she wanted- to go on as if nothing had ever occurred that night at the lake… So why couldn’t she just leave well enough alone?

“I don’t know… I guess I just need to know the truth, is that so bad?”

Yes it was so bad!

“Yes, because you don’t want to hear it. But have it your way Granger. There was no potion. You actually allowed yourself to lose your virginity to the man you hate, and you thoroughly enjoyed it. Happy?”

Her face fell and her eyes welled up with unwanted tears. She was so stupid! How could she have allowed that to happen!? She felt so disgusted with herself she wanted to run as far away from civilization as she possibly could and never return.

“I’m sorry,” Draco whispered. He then got up and walked away, leaving Hermione alone in the dungeon corridor.

****

Graduation had come and gone. Hermione enjoyed the summer weather for a few weeks as best she could with her friends, but still her thoughts dwelled on her time at the lake. The worst part was, they weren’t all bad thoughts. The traitorous area between her legs would moisten every time she relived certain parts. Squeezing and rubbing her legs together was just not cutting it. It was like Malfoy’s penis was constantly taunting her, reminding her that nothing else would feel as good on her naked flesh. Trust Malfoy to bother her with the part of him that couldn’t even talk!

When she couldn’t take it any more she decided she needed something more stimulating to take her mind off things. That was when she dragged Ron and Harry back indoors to the kitchen table and made them answer all the job offers they had received after graduation. They had been coming by the owl load, and Hermione thought it was only fair that they read and reply to every single one.

After four days of this, Ron and Harry were really starting to protest.

“Why are we doing this again? Does Aly Brady of Brady’s Bubble and Bauble Emporium honestly think I’d want to be assistant bubble blower?” Ron asked incredulously.

Hermione tried to hide her guilty smirk. No it was probably not necessary to answer ninety-nine point nine percent of the letters they had received, but it was keeping her mind occupied for the most part. So maybe her friends were suffering a little because of it… It seemed like a small price to pay.

“Ronald, he was nice enough to extend his offer, the least you can do is reply to him!” Hermione replied smartly.

“Fine! I’ll tell him I’m deeply saddened I can’t be assistant bubble blower… If only he had offered me the job of executive assistant bubble blower I’d have jumped at the opportunity… See how he likes that!”

Hermione pursed her lips, but decided to keep quiet and let Ron have that one.

Two days later and they were finally getting to the bottom of the pile. Even Hermione had to admit that she was looking forward to the end; her fingers were so sore she could hardly detach them from her quill. Of course, she would sooner burn her schoolbooks than admit that. The worst part was, that not one of the job offers she had received actually interested her. Harry and Ron both wanted to be Aurors, no surprise there, but Hermione didn’t think she wanted to work for the ministry. She didn’t really like anything about the ministry to be honest, and just couldn’t picture herself willingly going there on a daily basis.

Mrs. Weasley celebrated the return of her kitchen table by preparing a huge dinner. The smell of turkey and mashed potatoes filled the air in the cramped kitchen, but for some reason it was anything but appetizing. In fact, Hermione’s stomach seemed to be churning in disgust. She was going to be sick. The nausea came on so suddenly that she barely made it to the loo in time to vomit.

Mrs. Weasley, Harry, Ron and Ginny were all at her side in an instant, because obviously she wanted an audience while she puked so spectacularly.

“I’m fine,” she said before anyone could ask. She could hardly stand up from the toilet because the small bathroom was so full of spectators. Did Harry and Ron really want to stop writing letters so badly they’d rather watch her regurgitate her stomach contents? Really!?

Ron handed her a tooth-flossing string mint from the potion cabinet while Mrs. Weasley felt her sweaty forehead for a temperature.

“Let’s get you to Ginny’s room to rest, dear. I’ll have her whip you up an anti-nausea potion and you’ll be good as new before dinner time!” Mrs. Weasley said, helping her to her feet. She wanted to tell her there was no need, but didn’t want to subject anyone to her breath that she was sure was just lovely. The wave of nausea had gone as quickly as it came. She must have eaten something that didn’t quite agree with her. Even so, she lay down in bed and took the potion Ginny made.

Mrs. Weasley was right. By the time dinner was ready her appetite had returned, and she devoured the delicious meal like it was her last. Even Ron was looking at her quizzically, and Ron was well… Ron when it came to food. She decided not to let it bother her though, and not until the next day when she repeated her trip to the loo did she realize she must have seriously overeaten.

After ten days she started to worry. She had been vomiting in secret ever since the first day because she didn’t like being fussed over, so she didn’t even have Ginny’s anti-nausea potions to help. She was probably just stressed, so there really was nothing for anyone else to worry about. She still had not picked a career, a fact that was constantly on her mind. What she wanted to do was expand S.P.E.W., but without money it wouldn’t get father than knitting elf hats, and without a job she didn’t have any money. Of course she would be stressed to the point of making herself sick, who wouldn’t be?

Another two weeks went by and still she was getting sick. This was definitely not normal. Horrible things were starting to cross her mind. She had sex. She didn’t use protection. She hadn’t even thought of it at the time. She hadn’t thought she really needed to. There was supposed to be some kind of spell in Hogwarts that acted as some sort of built in birth control so students wouldn’t get pregnant and not be able to graduate. She could have sworn she read about that in Hogwarts, a History. Still, she’d be lying to herself if she said she wasn’t at least a little bit scared.

Later that night Hermione dug out her old Hogwarts, a History book. It only took a second to find the page she was looking for, she practically had the entire thing memorized after all...

“It was the tenth headmaster of Hogwarts, Bredrick Avery Soronski III that finally found a solution to the growing number of newborns attending sixth and seventh year classes. He enchanted the castle walls with an anti-fertility spell, so no student could conceive if the act was done within the castle. Most students are unaware…”

No… No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! What a dingbat, frogspawn eating, little wanker Bredrick Avery Soronski the third- more like the zeroith- was! Why make the castle anti-baby and not the grounds!? That was just mean! Didn’t he realize that the students that really, really, really shouldn’t be fornicating would do it on the grounds!? Those were the ones who really needed the protection! This man was obviously the worst headmaster the school had ever seen, and if he were still alive, Hermione would have tattooed that on his forehead so everyone would know that if she was carrying the child of Draco Malfoy, it was all his fault!

This couldn’t be happening to her… There was no way… She couldn’t be… Nope… Definitely couldn’t happen… That would just be cruel! All she wanted to do was forget she had ever done that with that person she wanted to forget about! This was not helping her forget!

She took a few deep breaths before she really broke down. She didn’t even know that she was actually pregnant. For all she knew, she was freaking out over nothing. There had to be a way to find out for sure without anyone else knowing…

She stayed up all night thinking about it, and by morning all she came up with was owl order, and just to hope that they delivered it in a discreet package. Just incase, she would make sure to intercept all the owls until it arrived, which was why she found herself constantly staring out the window for the next few days, even when the sun threatened to blind her.

After five days she was growing impatient. Muggles may not have magic wands, but they at least had express mail! This was just ridiculous. By sundown she was so jittery she couldn’t sit still, and just kept pacing in front of her bedroom window, jumping every time a bird would fly by, even if said bird was technically just a leaf caught in the wind.

The next morning at breakfast she took Mr. Weasley’s chair so she would have a view of the window. He stood next to her and stared for a minute, clearing his throat once or twice, before he gave up and took the seat next to her. At long last two owls fluttered through the window simultaneously. One had a letter, while the other had a small package. It was about freaking time!

“Yes!” she yelled, punching the air.

“What is it?” asked Ron. Shoot! She had forgotten the rest of the Weasleys and Harry were still there. She quickly hid the package in her robes and slit open the letter before she turned to face them. Whatever it was, she would act excited, even if it was Aly Baublehead, or whatever his name was, asking her to be his bubble apprentice.

“I just got a letter from…” She scanned the page and was taken aback by the signature. “Professor McGonnagal?” she questioned. Then, remembering that she was already supposed to know this she corrected herself. “Ah yes, Professor McGonnagal wrote me to…” she scanned the letter as fast as she could… what she read actually did excite her.

“She wants me to replace Madam Pince as the librarian!”

“Oh, Hermione that’s wonderful!” Mrs. Weasley gushed. “Are you going to take the position?”

Hermione thought about it. She couldn’t think of anything she would rather do. Librarian of Hogwarts actually fit kind of perfect. “Of course!” she said, grabbing a quill and responding. When the owl flew away some of the weight lifted off her shoulders… Now to deal with the rest of it… Unfortunately she was then assaulted with hugs for what felt like hours, until she could finally escape to the loo.

The test was simple… pee on a stick; any idiot who had put themselves in this situation could handle that. It was the waiting four minutes for it to turn blue that was the difficult part. At three minutes and thirty seconds there was still no color change and she thought she was in the clear, but those last thirty seconds was her downfall. The stick was blue… baby blue to be exact. How fitting. How fucking fitting indeed!

She cried a little… well a lot. That night she told the Weasley family and Harry… They weren’t exactly thrilled, but they didn’t know who had spawned her spawn. She said it was a muggle from when she visited her parents for the two days after graduation. She even lied and said she’d used a muggle form of protection called a condom, but it hadn’t worked properly. There was no way she could bring herself to tell them the supposed brightest witch of their age had unprotected sex. They softened after this. Mrs. Weasley said she was lucky to be working at Hogwarts because she’d have constant access to the school nurse. Hermione had decided it couldn’t hurt to still take the librarian position. It’s not like no one would find out she was pregnant if she turned it down. The Daily Prophet printed more gossip about the Golden Trio than anything else even without the help of Rita Skeeter.

No, this was something she couldn’t run away from. She just had to face it if she didn’t want her baby to feel like it wasn’t wanted. Even Ron had accepted it once she showed him the test… Well, the second test that Ron had insisted she take, just to be sure. She had to shove him out of the bathroom just so she could pee on the stick with some dignity. He believed that one though, and he hugged her. It was so strange. She felt like she was in some kind of twilight zone… If she wasn’t so relieved that no one was mad and disowning her, she would have been seriously concerned!

By the time September the first rolled around, she was already slightly showing. Mrs. Weasley had read that it was unsafe to floo during pregnancy, so instead she had to take the Hogwarts Express with the students. Ginny was still in school, so at least she had someone to sit with, and Ron and Harry had taken off work to see them off. Harry kissed his girlfriend goodbye long and hard, while Ron made a retching noise… Having a grownup job had obviously not changed him that much.

“Be careful, Hermione! Owl us every day, I want to hear about every single kick and every time you have to pee because of it,” Harry said in mock seriousness. Hermione punched him in the arm, but squeezed tight when he pulled her into a hug.

“Goodbye little bastard child!” Ron waved at her stomach. Hermione threw an even harder punch at his arm.

“Ronald that’s horrible!” Ginny yelled at her brother, also punching him.

“Oww! I didn’t mean bastard, I meant bass turd… you know… like fish poop,” he said, looking around like it made total sense.

“Even if that was what you meant- which it wasn’t- it’s not exactly an improvement,” Hermione retorted sharply.

“Fine! Sorry! Goodbye Hermione’s baby. Happy?”

“Very,” she replied, hugging Ron tight to her. She had such wonderful friends… She couldn’t ask for anything more. They had kept her so wrapped up in baby talk and auror news that she had hardly a thought to spare about her real baby daddy. The pregnancy had actually helped her cope. Apparently, this half-devil child was meant-to-be born, so she couldn’t regret sleeping with Malfoy without regretting it, which she had decided she just couldn’t do. It wasn’t fair to it to be unwanted before even being born. Malfoy would never have to know it was his, because she would do everything in her power to never have to see him ever again. Since she was working at Hogwarts, she didn’t think it would be very difficult. Malfoy would probably never leave his mansion and live off his millions of galleons without even having to work a day in his life. Her child was better off not knowing it had a muggle hating, pureblood fanatic for a sperm donor.

She put Malfoy off her mind, not giving him a second thought as she said her final goodbyes to her best friends, and boarded the train with Ginny.


The ride was smooth enough. She didn’t actually stand out much at all until they disembarked and she was the only one not wearing black Hogwarts’ robes. Hagrid greeted her on the platform just like always, and she and Ginny got a carriage all to themselves.

She was so happy to be back she was positively beaming by the time she took her seat amongst the teachers at the high table. She sat next to Hagrid, who was so vast she could hardly see around him. He gently placed his hand over her entire stomach, his eyes tearing up. She watched the sorting, which felt new and exciting from this perspective, and then stood to receive her own applause when McGonagall introduced her.

Was this how she had pictured this new chapter of her life starting out? No, but it wasn’t a bad thing that it had taken an unexpected course. To be honest, she found it kind of fun and thrilling. She was even thinking of different baby names in her head already. She was so happy… Everything seemed to have worked itself out perfectly… Until…

“And may I introduce your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Professor Malfoy.”


The End


Yes… this is the end… BUT, be on the lookout for the sequel, Draco Malfoy is Still a Sexy Bass Turd. I’m sorry everyone, I know this was supposed to be out long ago, but I had to change it so I could make it a baby story… cuz now that I’m having a baby I really wanted to write a baby story and this one was already started. I seriously cried when I read all your comments after my A/N on Cruel and unusual punishment.. I kind of cry over everything lately because of the hormones lol.. they are kind of killing me. But again, thank you if anyone of you who left comments is also reading this. I think I got really lucky, my parents are supportive, my bf is 25 and wasn’t even that upset. I moved into his place last month. He even knows I write fanfiction and doesn’t think I’m crazy lol. So yeah, I’m better now, thanks everyone. Seriously from the bottom of my heart.. it’s nice to hear such nice things even from people you don’t really know…THANK YOU!!!

And I will finish cruel and unusual punishment eventually…. I’m just in the mood to talk about being pregnant so this is what my muse is making me write instead of poetry. I’m sure that one will come back to me soon though.

Love,
Alexis