Fighting For My Love And Right

For two days he was laying in the infirmary eating, reading and doing nothing. Pomfrey had granted him permission to stay as long as he wanted and she also agreed to keep everyone out since he didn’t want to see anyone.

Ignoring everyone felt good, listening to people wanting to come and see him but being denied by Pomfrey was just thrilling. Dumbledore came two times, Ron and Hermione tried every hour with no luck. And there were others trying to see him, Dean, Neville, Luna, Ginny and so on.

He thought a lot about the pregnancy while he lay there, and about what he wanted to do. He still had eighteen days left to decide, but eighteen days was just too short, this was a decision that would affect his whole life. He needed more than eighteen days.

If he decided to keep the baby he would be reminded about the rape he couldn’t remember and if he got rid of it he wouldn’t stop remembering that he had been raped and even pregnant. Either way, he had been raped and he wouldn’t forget it. Could he keep the baby and forget about what had happened?

Getting rid of it now would feel like adopting it away, it would only state that he didn’t want it, an unwanted child, like he had been at the Dursley’s all those years.

He still had eighteen days left; maybe he should listen at what others thought. He would still do as he wished in the end.

It was only twenty days till the summer holyday, the exams were peaking around the corner, and students came back from their brief holiday. Dumbledore said that even if Voldemort was gone there was no reason for anyone not completing their studies. Harry wondered if he really needed grades, what if he didn't want to get a job after school? He had enough money to last a lifetime, and if he decided to keep the baby then he would be occupied with him or her.

His thoughts were broke of when he heard knocking on the door, Pomfrey hurried towards it.

'If it's Dumbledore you can let him in.' She nodded at the request before opening the door. He couldn't see who it was, and he didn't hear him or her either. All the Gryffindor’s were almost shouting when Pomfrey denied them entry, and Dumbledore spoke loud enough for Harry to hear him. The one standing outside the door didn’t want to be heard.

Pomfrey closed the door and walked over to her office after a few minutes with the stranger, smiling briefly at Harry before she closed her office door. He was getting sick of the secrets around him, and Pomfrey had cut the last string that was holding his temper.

He found his clothes and shoes on a chair next to his bed, got dressed and snuck out of the infirmary. Getting out of the infirmary was no problem; however, the big problem was not being seen by the students.

Most students wouldn't come back before the next day, those that had returned were probably studying and others were hopefully sitting in their common rooms. He wanted to go up to the owlery to check on Hedwig, but changed his mind when he saw a couple of Hufflepuff’s walking towards the stairs. He realized that he hadn't thought his plan through well. He had just wished to get out, away from everything that reminded him about lies and secrets. But the school didn't help much. The whole school had secrets nobody would find out about. Maybe the best thing for him was to run away from the school.

But he couldn't leave without his things. And he couldn't leave Hermione and Ron without saying good bye. He was too exhausted to think further about that, maybe he should go back and rest before the exams. That thought showed weakness.

If he decided to stay then he would surely not give in to others, he was old enough to decide on his own.

What should he do? He hated making such big decisions, and he hated the fact that he had never been a kid, playing and having fun. Everything seemed to be hell for him. The best thing that had happened to him was Hermione and Ron. They always saw him like any other boy, not the Chosen One or something like that.

He knew that they would stick by him; they were the only ones that really loved him. Of course others cared for him, but not in the same way as Ron and Hermione, they were more than just friends.

His chest hurt and his eyes stung while he remembered every thing that Ron and Hermione had gone through with him, the danger they have put themselves in to help Harry. He couldn't run away, not when they had sacrificed that much for him, and if he would disappear once more they would probably not give up looking for him before he was found and safe. With that on his mind he walked up to the Gryffindor tower, hoping he wouldn't meet anyone on the road that he surely didn't want to see.

His luck must have increased because he didn't see anyone on his way, and nobody that walked behind him noticed him that much either. He could hear faintly some of the conversations, mostly exam stuff but there were things about Voldemort and about him.

And there was almost no one in the common room either, Hermione and Ron was luckily there. She sat in a chair in front of the fire with Ron at her feet, explaining to her about wizard’s chess by the looks of it. None of them noticed him when he entered, and the two fifth years sitting in the other corner were to busy with taking notes from their school books to care about the new arrival.

'And if the tower...'

'I got it Ron.' Harry knew that Ron loved explaining to Hermione, especially since she was the brain. Ron lifted his hands up to show her he would stop talking, only then did he notice Harry standing a few feet away.

'Harry!' Hermione turned around and almost fell off the chair. Harry decided it may be better if he went over to them, no point in going to his dorms to sleep now.

'How are you mate?'

'It's true.' None of them said anything at his statement.

'What’s true?'

'What you and Hermione heard.'

'I told you to not tell him.'

'I didn't, not entirely.'

'He didn’t say what you heard, only that you thought it was wrong, but it's true.'

'Oh Harry, how is it possible?'

'Apparently, some of my ancestors tried to make their sister pregnant, backfired on them to and since then every boy and girl in my family has been able to have children.' Ron didn't say anything, Harry saw that he was both sad and confused and probably disgusted at once.

'Are you keeping it?' Harry was surprised that Hermione thought about it.

'I'm not sure.'

'How did you become pregnant?' Ron tried not to blush while asking, and he mostly succeeded. Harry opened his mouth to answer and instead of words, tears came flooding down his face. Ron jumped over to him and embraced him.

'I'm sorry, so sorry. I shouldn't have asked that. Whatever you do it's your business not mine.'

'What? I haven't done anything, you know about everyone I have been with, Cho.'

'Then how?' Thinking about it hurt even more. He had found a way to ignore most thoughts of the rape he couldn't remember, but when Ron or Hermione cared that much about him he couldn't hold it in.

'Come on, lets go to the dorm.' To Harry's surprise it was Ron who thought about comforting him. Hermione acted the same way Ron would have in any situation. Harry let himself be lead to his bed, Ron conjured a glass of water for him and sat down next to him, and Hermione sat on the opposite bed from Harry.

'Tell us what happened Harry; you know we won't tell others, we’re here for you mate.'

'I was raped.' He barely got to say it before the hulking started, he pressed his eyes in his palms to try and stop the tears.

'When? You haven't told us about it.'

'It apparently happened when I was gone, like the times you try to talk to me and I'm not reacting. And it was approximately two and a half months ago. I should have listened to you Hermione and gone to check what was wrong with me.’

'I'm so sorry.'

'Why? You didn't do it.'

'No, but you understand what I mean.' Ron put his arm around Harry, stroking him slowly till the crying mostly stopped.

'Harry, you do understand why we didn't tell you, right? I told Ron that if...'

'I understand, don't worry. But you know how much I hate secrets.'

'Maybe I should tell you something then.' Harry turned against Ron; he didn't look up, but swallowed a couple of times before saying what he had on his mind. 'I have been going out with a girl, from Ravenclaw, for over five moths now.'

'I guess I should confess too. I have also been seeing someone.'

'Yeah, and he’s in Hufflepuff.' Ron laughed twice. Harry on the other hand didn't like it at all, how could they keep that a secret? And he thought they would tell him these things, apparently he was wrong in that matter.

'Why didn't you tell me?' His voice sounded hurtful, Ron's smile fainted and Hermione turned her head towards the floor.

'Since you didn't have anyone we thought that you would be hurt or something like that.'

'It seem like everybody thinks for me, don't you know I can handle things? Does everyone think I'm stupid or something?' He was stupid, how come he hadn't seen that Ron and Hermione had been with someone? And he was often with them so when did they have a chance to see others? He rose up from the bed; felt that his sadness had been traded with anger. 'I'll go back to the infirmary, don't even bother coming there.'

--*¤*--

Pomfrey was surprised when he opened the door and walked over to his bed, but she didn’t say anything, maybe because of the look he had on his face. The only thing she did do was to ask him if he was okay and if he wanted to eat something. Harry turned down the offer since his appetite had disappeared by the lies. He wanted to stay in bed and relax, away from anyone and any lies.

He hadn’t realized it but he had been sleeping, the next he knew was that Dumbledore were standing in front of the bed, looking down at him.

‘How did you get in?’

‘I asked if I could come in and see you.’ Oh yeah, he had forgotten that he told Pomfrey that only he could come in. Well, his mistake not denying everyone to come, no point in telling him to get lost.

‘Is there anything you want?’

‘Nothing that comes to mind, I just wanted to check on you, and tell you that your first exam will be Herbology.’

‘Great.’ He didn’t sound to convincing, and even if he did he wouldn’t fool Dumbledore.

‘What are you thinking dear boy.’

‘That there is no point in any of the exams for me, since I am pregnant.’

‘There is no point in not completing your studies only because you’re pregnant.’ His eyes meeting Harry’s, he could see the sadness and pain. ‘So you have decided to keep it?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘Take your time, this is a big decision.’

‘I don’t have time. With the exams I will have less time. The time I don’t spend reading and sitting in a class with a test I will be out trying to ignore glares from others and the stupid questions that everyone is repeating. So where do I have time?’

‘Have you talked with your friends about it? Young Weasley will surely understand.’ Why didn’t he say that Hermione would understand? She was the one that usually made her point and shoved him the right way. Looking back at how she was behaving after finding out about it he didn’t believe she was that okay with it. It may have something to do with the fact that she was muggle born.

‘I don’t want to see them anymore.’

‘And why not?’

‘They lied to me.’

‘They lied or kept something from you that could hurt you?’ He surely remembered their earlier conversation.

‘I told you that keeping something from me is the same as lying to me.’

‘In a way it is, but they didn’t tell you a lie, they just thought you wouldn’t like the truth. Do you really want to ignore them only because of some misunderstanding?’

‘No, but I don’t know what to do.’

‘Maybe talking to them will help, and it’s important to see other ways than just forwards.’ Harry knew perfectly well what he meant by that, he should try and let them speak too, but it wasn’t easy being the main character in everything and not knowing what is going on.

‘I’ll go and talk to them later, I need to sleep first.’

‘Of course, sleep well.’ He didn’t bother to answer. Sleep was the only thing that seemed to comfort him at the moment.

--*¤*--

Harry entered the common room the next day and was greeted by cheering Gryffindor’s, most of them had come back and ready to party. He could see that some of them wanted to ask him something, knew perfectly well what they had on their minds.

Ron and Hermione stood in the background; he had to apologize to them first if he wanted them to start talking to him again. While he made his way through the party crazy Gryffindor’s, hoping that they wouldn’t stop him, he thought about what to say to them.

‘How come you have a Hufflepuff and you a Ravenclaw? Shouldn’t it be the other way around?’ It was the only thing he thought about when he was close enough to them, maybe making them talk about that could make them see that it was wrong to keep things away from him. Since he did talk to them they should know he had forgiven them, a little at least, so he didn’t want to apologize yet.

‘Kind of strange huh mate? Don’t know what she sees in me but I’m not actually complaining yet.’

‘I always thought you two would end up together.’ None of them answered, he understood what the silence meant. Trying to think about what Dumbledore said he sat down on a chair beside Hermione, maybe if they explained he would understand.

‘Harry, I am so sorry that we didn’t tell you. We weren’t together for long, it just felt to strange.’ Hermione had tears in her eyes but didn’t do anything to wipe them away.

‘Yes, but you should have told me anyway.’

‘When we first were together it didn’t seem like it would work out that great, so we didn’t tell you. It was only for a few days.’

‘And about your current boy and girl friends?’

‘I have only been with Jack for two weeks, but we’re not doing anything besides talking.’

'And you? What is your excuse?'

'I, well, I don't know. We aren't really together, and I never got enough courage to tell you.'

'Not enough courage to tell your best friend.' Harry knew Ron became less comfortable, he made sure of that.

'And I thought that you would get angry with me if I told you later on.'

'So lets say that you would marry, you didn’t think I would notice it? Do you two honestly think that I would get angry because you have someone and I don't? That proves how much you know me.' He had raised his voice and some of the Gryffindor’s that stood close by turned around. Harry had completely forgotten about the party, betrayal had taken over every thought that he had.

'I promise that I won't keep anything from you from now, everything I think I'll tell you.'

'It's easy to say that now, but if you find your self in a situation where you can either hurt me or not then you would take not.'

'No mate, I will tell you, if that is what you want.'

'That is exactly what I want. Do you think I like being outside and guess what people say about me?'

'Harry, don't be angry, he wanted to tell you lot's of times but I kept him from it.' Harry knew Hermione was capable of taking the blame, he also knew she was capable of lying, so why should he believe her?

'We promise Harry, no more lies or keeping things from you, won't we Hermione.' Harry could see that Ron meant every word he said, Hermione only nodded in agreement.

'So what do you think about me being pregnant?'

'It's really strange. I know men do get pregnant sometimes, but they use a potion or tons of spells for that. And they are usually gay, since they know what they are putting themselves through.'

'You two think I'm gay?'

'No, you said yourself that you were...' He was cut off when Dean started a speech, and he was drunk, not a good combination.

He couldn't be completely lost since he didn't say what he absolutely wanted to say, just talked shortly about Voldemort and Harry saving them and that now it was time for them to kick some exam asses. When he was done he jumped off the table and was heading for Harry.

'Could I talk with you, in private?'

'Why?'

'Because you don't want to talk about it right here.' He pushed Harry slightly towards a corner, and when he stopped Neville showed up besides him.

'What is going on here?'

'We have heard a rumour that you are, how can I say it without it sounding stupid?'

'You are sounding stupid, just say it.' He knew perfectly well what they wanted to ask about, and he had thought well through it before choosing to leave the infirmary. He wondered what it would be like if he lied to them, but he couldn't hide it in case he chose to keep the baby. So telling the truth if they asked would be better, at least he wouldn't sink down to the same level as them.

'Are you pregnant?'

'Yes.'

'Congratulations Harry.' It was strange to hear Neville’s voice again. He hadn't realized how long it had been since he had seen him. What were even stranger were the congratulations. Was he happy that his friend was pregnant?

'So who is he?' He was even more surprised that both of the boys in front of him were happy about it and even wanted to know who he could have an affair with.

'I don't know.'

'You don't know? How come you don't know when you have...'

'I was raped, okay?' He knew that he soon would start crying, he could feel the pain in his chest and stinging in his eyes and his nose felt wet.

'How? Pregnancy for a man is through a potion or spells, so you had to know you drank the potion or was cast the spells on.'

'A spell backfired a couple of hundred years ago and made it so every man and woman in my family can become pregnant. I don't want to talk about it.' Even if this was the second time he had told it to someone he was tired of it. He knew they would tell others and then the whole school would find out, so what was the point in repeating himself?

'Are you okay Harry?' Neville asked quietly.

'What do you think? My life is hard enough and now I have to decide if I want to keep the baby or not.' None of them said anything; this was more information than they had asked for probably. 'Excuse me. I think I should go to bed.' He didn’t turn back while he was heading for his dorm; neither did he answer anyone who called after him.

The bed felt comfortable, every nerve finally relaxed under the warming sheets. Harry forgot about everything till Ron came to check on him.

'I just want to tell you that most down there know now what happened, or how the situation is like.' It was always like that, he never had any secrets of his own.

'So, I wouldn't have to repeat myself to everyone.'

'You shouldn't think about that, they will help in case you need it.’

‘They don’t need to help me if I decide to take abortion.'

'You’re not going to do that are you?'

'I don't know.'

'Male pregnancy is becoming somehow normal, or more people are for it at least. But abortion is something that hardly anyone does in the wizard world. It’s only in the really bad situations.'

'And being raped is not a bad situation?'

'Don't take me wrong Harry, I don't want to say something that might hurt you, but I swore that I would tell you what I thought even if it might hurt you.' Yes he had, so why should he hate what Ron said? He wondered if every pregnant woman had problems with their emotions like he did.

'What should I do then?' He felt relax after taking a few deep breaths.

'If you keep it I will be here for you, and so will Hermione.'

'What is up with her anyway? She is acting so strange.'

'I think I should let her tell you when she is ready.'

'Why, is it bad?'

'It's good and bad, depending on how you see it. Is there anything else you want to talk about?'

'I don't know, maybe later on, I need to sleep now.'

'Okay, good night, and I'm sorry again for not telling you what was going on.' If Harry wanted he could make Ron apologize every day for the rest of his life, he knew Ron was sorry and not afraid of repeating it.

'I forgive you; just never lie to me again.' Harry didn't think he would stop being friends with Ron if he found out he had lied to him later, but he surely wouldn't give in that easily. He would have to crawl through broken glass before he would be forgiven, Hermione to.

When Ron left, Harry laid down and tried to figure out what to do. What he was sure about was that nobody had a problem with him being pregnant, or not a big problem, but if he would decide to get rid of it many would turn away from him, based on what Ron said. There was no problem in being talked about, he was used to it, but being ignored because of something he had done was just hurtful, like when he had talked with the snake in his second year. Everyone ignored him because they thought he was the heir of Slytherin.

Seventeen days left, or sixteen when he woke up, how was he able to decide in that short time? If they thought it was wrong to get rid of the baby would they forgive him if he did take abortion?

The only way he would find out was asking them tomorrow, Sunday, the last day before the exams started. And sixteen days left to decide on. Sleep was probably the only thing that could help him at the moment, even if he was well rested it seemed that anger drained him faster than other things.