Darker

3

Lily woke up in the same strange bed again. This time her professor was slumped in a chair within arms reach. He looked exhausted, slouched and snoring softly. She felt a pang of guilt at having kicked him out of his own bed, but still she could not regret her decision entirely. It would have been unbearable to wake the other girls in her room with her frenzied nightmares. She must have kept him up until all hours.

Cautiously Lily swung herself out of bed. She draped the blanket over her sleeping head of house before tiptoeing out of the bedroom. Once in his office she cast the simple summoning spell that called a house elf.

“I’d like a tray with two breakfasts please,” Lily told the little elf that appeared awkwardly, she had never really had much occasion to require the little creatures’ services directly before, “oh and coffee for the professor,” she added as an afterthought. At home they had the Black family elf, Kreacher, but he was a free elf who served them out of a devotion to his old master’s memory. Lily had viewed him more as a doddering elder to be spoken to politely but never paid much mind to him.

“As the Miss wishes,” the hogwart’s elf bowed and disapparated with a muffled pop only to return shortly with a heavily laden tray.

Lily’s stomach growled hungrily. She had not realized just how hungry she was. Though she had intended to wait for Severus she could not hold off any longer and tucked into a plate piled high with bacon, eggs, biscuits doused in gravy, a bowl of fuit and a tall glass of juice.

Snape wandered groggily into the room shortly and sat across from her silently. He took his own plate and started eating much more slowly. He only ate about half of his before offering the remained to Lily. The child took the extra helping quite eagerly. Snape sipped his coffee, black and bitter, regarding her evenly over the rim of the mug.

“Did you sleep well?” he asked when she finally finished every bite.

“Alright,” Lily mumbled, “I think I hade bad dreams, but I don’t really remember much of anything. Mostly I think it was about my dad, but then it was like there was someone else with me, helping me. It was almost like he came and told me not to blame myself…is that silly Severus?”

“No, its not silly Lily, I’m sure that your father would not want you to feel guilty. I don’t know why he did what he did, but I know that he cared for you and your brothers deeply.”

“Thank you, I know you two didn’t always see eye to eye, so that means something coming from you.”

Snape’s lips quirked into a smile, “Well it appears that you are not going to your classes today.”

“Maybe tomorrow,” Lily fidgeted, “I’m not ready to face all the questions, I’m sorry Professor, but if I go out there then I’ll have to be strong and I’m not ready for that yet.”

“It’s alright,” Snape assured her, “But I must be going. I have first year potions in less than fifteen minutes, Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw, if I’m not punctual some insufferable smart-alec will start in on one of those Hufflepuff halfwits and I’ll spend the entire period attempting to get any of the lot to leave off glaring at one another and pay attention to their potions.”

Lily smiled as was the intended effect and said, “If its all the same to you I’d like to read some of the books I saw in your room?”

“Anything in this office is fine, I would thank you for leaving the things in my personal collection alone at least until I can give you specific permission.”

“Alright, thank you Severus.”

Snape nodded to her, “It does an old heart good to see youngsters caring about their education,” and with that he swept from the room. Lily spent the day curled up in his bed reading an old potions book. Snape did not return until well after dark, but he returned bearing dinner and a heavy black leather-bound tome.

Lily waited solemnly for him to explain, or not depending on his preference. He offered her a plate and she ate it with less gusto than she had displayed at breakfast, but still she was moderately hungry and she cleared her plate. Skipping lunch would have that effect, even after such a huge first meal. When he had finished his own food Snape drew the mysterious book onto his lap.

“Lessons Learned by Candlelight: a Primer, composed by one Evan Rosier, he was a rather minor wizard, dabbled in the dark arts. You still want to learn?” Snape asked sharply.

Lily swallowed, forbidden magic, at her fingertips, did she dare say yes?

“Then you will teach me?”

Snape shook his head, “No, I will help you to find resources, I will answer your questions, but the dark arts are something that cannot truly be taught, not in the conventional way, they must resonate within you.”

Lily shuddered, “isn’t that terribly dangerous?”

“Knowledge, even of the dark arts, is not evil in and of itself, nor will it make you become evil. That is in the choices you make. There is great power in the dark, just as there is power in lighter magic. The use of power is what determines good from evil.”

“But all the dark magicians have been evil!” Lily protested.

“No, true the worst wizards of the ages have turned to the dark arts, but there are many who have studied and learned such magic and suffered no sudden urge to subjugate the world, while there are light wizards who have, the former headmaster is among those who suffered that temptation. Power corrupts whether it be dark or light. But you dark magic will not make you an evil witch, how you chose to use it may, but do not blame the magic for what the magic user does with it.”

“I want to learn,” Lily said, and she reached for the book.

“Not so fast, first I will know why.”

Lily took a deep breath, “Riddle, he fascinates me. I want to understand him; I want to understand my father. I never really tried too hard before because I figured there would be time later, but now he’s dead and I feel like there is a big part of him that I could not come close to touching. I need to know more, I don’t want to let the terror and death that the dark lord’s reign brought to be repeated in my lifetime. If the dark arts are lost to those that would use them wisely then we won’t be able to stand against a new dark wizard.”

Snape handed over the book, “Alright, I’ll take you at your word for now, but before you try anything, even the simplest incantation I want you to read A History of the Dark Arts Through the Ages, a lesser known companion to Hogwarts, A History by the same witch who wrote the latter. And you will promise me that you will not try anything without protecting incantations and at least at first my supervision.”

“I promise,” Lily agreed eagerly.

“When you are settled back in your usual accommodations you may meet with me in the evening just after the dinner hour to study. I do not think it would be wise to make news of these ‘lessons’ widespread. Any books on the subject will remain in my rooms at all times. And you will tell anybody with an interest that I am counseling you with regards to your recent loss, which by the by, will not be a lie. I intend to devote some small portion of our time together to working through your grief.”

“If you think it necessary,” Lily acquiesced doubtfully.

“It is, now I’ve work to do, and I believe you have some reading?” Snape raised a brow, “the history is the third book from the left on the top shelf.”

Lily smiled, “yes Severus,” and she went into his room to fetch her book. When she returned to the office Snape was seated at his desk, quill in hand. Lily sat on the ground beside his chair and started reading. At some point she leaned her head against his knee and he started to absently stroke her hair. She fell asleep leaning against him and when he stood she mumbled sleepily for him not to go. Snape lowered her gently to the ground and floated in a pillow and blanket from the other room.

Tucking her in with the least possible jostling he reasoned that she was much more likely to continue with her peaceful sleep if he disturbed her as little as possible. And truth be told he was not as young as he had once been, another night sleeping in the chair would have been murder on his back. Lily was young and resilient and he placed enough warming spells on her makeshift bed to last the night easily. Still he felt a twinge of guilt for taking the bed. Which was ridiculous, it was his bed for Merlin’s sake!

At first he thought it was a dream, or else one of the castle ghosts playing a trick. But as he slowly awoke Snape realized that the heavy warmth at his back was in actuality Lily Potter, curled up on top of the sheets, huddled under her own rumpled blanket. Her hair tousled, her face contorted with the anxiety of nightmares. His first impulse was to leap up and away from her as though she burned him. He stifled that, it would do neither of them any good. Besides he was too exhausted to worry much. She was afraid and in need of comfort, he reasoned, nothing wrong with that.

Of course she could do better than to crawl in bed with her professor but most of his house students viewed him as a father figure, and she of all of them was in desperate need of that right now. It sounded reasonable; he could almost even make himself believe it. Except he remembered the way she said his name, the way she looked at him, with her grandmother’s knowing eyes, and he knew that even if she had done it in all innocence, this was the kind of situation he should never find himself in with a student. Least of all this particular reincarnation of a lost love.

Snape stifled a groan, rolled as far from the sleeping child as he could and tried to will himself back to sleep. Perhaps he would wake to find it all a bizarre dream. And perhaps Diggory Lovegood would brew a perfect Felix Felicitus, he was only kidding himself. Lily snuggled up to his back, whimpering, and he had all he could do to keep from shoving her or screaming at her. He passed the rest of the night on the brink of pushing her away despite her current emotional instability.

He crawled from under the covers, trying to avoid jostling her, but it was in vain. Her eyes popped open the minute his feet hit the ground.

“Oh Merlin,” she whispered, dawning horror overtaking her visage.

Snape forced his nasty sardonic smile, for the moment he forgot about being a compassionate and understanding head of house. He was just a man who had woken in the night to find an attractive female in his bed. Never mind that it meant nothing, the way she was looking at him, it hurt a little, the horrified look on her face at waking to see him. Still, he took too long in uttering a pithy witticism that would have cut to the quick as her apparent revulsion did him.

“I thought it was a dream,” Lily murmured in a tone that bordered between hysterics and desperation, “Merlin, I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to, honest Professor. I …”

That took him back a step. What was this? Was she blushing? How interesting. Perhaps she was not repulsed by him; perhaps it was very much the opposite. Snape winced internally at his line of thought. She was his student and a child. Whatever silly schoolgirl crushes she might have were no concern of his. But she did remind him uncomfortably of her grandmother.

“I thought we had agreed to go by given names?” Snape arched a brow.

Lily stared at her hands, “Still, I’m sorry Severus,” and here it was apparent that she was forcing herself to say the name instead of the title, “I know that was untoward behavior not becoming of a young girl.”

“You were frightened and alone in a strange room, and no harm came of it”

“If its all the same to you, I think I should probably sleep in my own bed tonight, so I guess I may as well go to classes today, it will at least keep my mind off of things.”

Snape nodded.

“Anyway, I’ve been dying to try a couple of variations of a few of the potions I saw coming up in the text and today is my day for potions.”

“Ambitious.”

Lily grinned at him, “well okay, I guess I’ll see you in class then?”

Snape stifled the urge to invite her for breakfast. It would be better for her to face the world or at least breakfast in the great hall. Two days apart from the school community was not necessarily bad, but to remain cloistered for too long would have an alienating effect that would be hard to live down.

With a final smile Lily crawled out of bed and straightened her sleep mussed robes. The poor silly thing had fallen asleep in them reading her dark arts texts. Then she was gone. Snape felt as if a warm hearthfire had suddenly been extinguished, leaving his suite of rooms once more a drafty dank dungeon. An ideal place to pass on dark secrets.

She wanted him to teach her! Imagine how naïve she was. Of course he had told her the truth when he said the dark arts were not taught. But not the entire truth, never that. Perhaps she would lose interest. Or else she might decide such spells did not suit her. He found himself doubting that this was a passing interest though. She was too determined. She had too much of the other, dead Lily in her. He could not deny her anything. Even if it would destroy the veneer of civility he had spent these years constructing. Whatever the cost he knew that he would not be able to deny Lily Potter anything, regardless of the surname she bore.