The Fallen

Chapter 3: The Fallen

Harry sighed and flopped down onto his four-poster bed. Tossing his book bag aside, he placed his hands lightly on his forehead and massaged his temples, trying to rid himself of his wretched headache. Groaning, he muttered something about hinkypunks and looked out the dormitory window at the clear, blue sky as a black owl soared by. Looking back down at his book bag, he thought of something that could get rid of his headache.

He grabbed the bag and flipped open the flap, sifting through a bunch of crumpled up parchment. Grinning, he pulled out a small piece of parchment and unfolded it, leaning back against his headboard.

His heart began to thump a little as he read. Harry hadn’t really noticed when he had started to enjoy Snape’s letters. It had just happened spontaneously. Although he wouldn’t even admit it to himself, Snape’s letters always put a smile on his face and made him feel a bit better when he was stressed. How Snape could do that to him, he had no idea.

Pulling his jacket more closely around him, he read.

Come now. You can’t possibly be implying that you do not enjoy your countless hordes of female admirers. I must admit that I am rather dubious. As for the fact that you were almost a Slytherin, I think you would have done well in my House. However, you are seemingly much more content as an insufferable Gryffindor.

When it comes to Mr. Malfoy, I think you have every right to abhor him, personally. He can be quite a pompous ass. (If you tell anyone I said that, I’ll pickle you and put you in a jar) I suppose he gets that from his father. It’s quite a common trait for the Malfoys.

And, you know, I realize you truly care for your friends. I cannot relate, for I haven’t exactly had the best of friends, but I think you should not solely concentrate on them. You don’t have to play the hero all the time. Protect yourself too. You’re the most important and precious out of all of us. Don’t do something stupid and die for something as dangerous as love. Life isn’t kind enough to let you watch out for everyone and yourself at the same time.

-Severus

“Severus…” Harry blinked a few times and read the end again, “He said Severus.”

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Wow. I never thought I’d hear you diss a Malfoy. Ha ha. Well, strange things happen every day. And I don’t really enjoy my… female admirers as much as you’d think... Yeah, well.

Anyway, as for my friends, I know I should concentrate on myself too; considering I’m the bloody Boy Who Lived and all, but I guess it’s just the hero complex because I can’t help it. Maybe it’s just because I don’t know what I’d do without them. I never had any friends when I was young, so they just… mean a lot to me. If I lost them, I wouldn’t be able to go on. They’d die for me, and I for them; and if Voldemort has a problem with that, then fuck him. I’m not failing my friends. They’re all I’ve got.

And watch out there Severus (I can call you that right? Is that okay?), you almost sound like you cared about me for a second. We wouldn’t want that, now would we?

I’ll write you later.

Harry

Severus (yes, he’s now Severus…. I guess) blinked several times and re-read the letter. So many things had caught his eye or surprised him that he didn’t know where to start. For one thing, when had the two of them gotten so friendly? They were enemies, not pals! They hated each other, and now Harry was calling him Severus as if they had known each other for years! Well, they had known each other for years, but still… Harry had asked if he could call him that…

And for another thing, what did he mean he didn’t have friends when he was little? He was Harry Potter! The Boy Who Lived. The bloody savior of the world! Why in the world would he not have friends? Severus shook his head, but Harry had seemed so earnest in the letter. Oh brilliant. Now he’d done it. He’d just called the boy Harry. Just. Bloody. Brilliant. He was finally going insane. He was befriending his archrivals son.

Snape slapped his slender hand against his forehead in annoyance and exasperation. Then he stopped suddenly. Wait… Harry was… gay?

Hurriedly, Severus grabbed the letter and read the lines again. “And I don’t really enjoy my… female admirers as much as you’d think...” Bloody fuck. Harry Potter was gay. Hold on. Why was he making a big deal out of this? Severus dropped the letter and stood, his heart pounding. “Why should I care?” he announced shakily to no one. “I don’t. I have no reason to care at all. It just so happens that Potter and I have something in common. Potter, not Harry. Potter. Like it’s always been. Just something in common. But that doesn’t mean anything. It’s not a big deal. Not at all.” He haphazardly grabbed a bottle of fire whiskey and poured a very… full glass. Taking a swig, he leaned against the shelves and shivered as the whiskey scorched his throat, leaving a nice tingling sensation in its wake.

‘If I don’t care that Harry is gay,’ Severus thought, taking another large gulp of whiskey, ‘Then why do I care so much?’

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Severus had been acting strangely lately, and Harry was curious. The professor had constantly stared at him during breakfast when he thought Harry wasn’t looking. The thing was, Harry was looking. And he wanted to know why the bloody hell Severus was staring so fervently at him. Had he grown another head?

Harry shook it off and stood. Turning to Ron and Hermoine he smiled. “I’m gonna go get my book bag and head on to class,” he said, “I forgot I left it up in the dormitory.”

Ron and Hermoine nodded. “Okay, bye Harry,” Hermoine waved.

“Mmpher,” Ron mumbled, nodding as he continued to shove a sandwich into his mouth. Hermoine whacked him on the back of the head in annoyance and he began to choke. Hermoine then changed her annoyance to annoyed concern and began to hit Ron on the back until his sandwich was no longer lodged in his windpipe.

Wheezing a bit, Ron looked over to Harry and smiled weakly. “Bye then Harry,” he said, his voice hoarse. He shot a glare at Hermoine who just rolled her eyes and got back to reading the daily prophet.

Harry chuckled and turned away, walking out of the great hall and shaking his head. When would those two just admit they liked each other?

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After grabbing his bag, Harry rushed down towards Transfiguration, not particularly caring to be turned into a toadstool or something equally horrifying if he was late. He still had a good two minutes. He was going to make it. And he would have, that is, if he hadn’t ran smack into a very tall, very dark object around the corner and fallen flat on his bum.

Harry winced and frowned. Opening his eyes, he was surprised to find a hand of long, slender fingers in front of them. It was the hand of a one Professor Severus Snape. Harry took the hand gratefully and the teacher pulled him up, not letting go of his hand as he helped Harry steady himself. Nor did he let go of the student’s hand after he had steadied himself, which left them in quite an awkward situation.

Quickly becoming uncomfortable, Harry smiled up at his Professor nervously. Severus, coming to his senses, quickly dropped Harry’s hand, his pulse going a mile a minute. ‘What was that all about?’ he thought.

“Potter,” Severus put on his customary sneer, “What are-“

“Harry.”

“Excuse me?”

“Call me Harry, Severus,” Harry said, smiling slightly.

Severus raised an eyebrow, contemplating. He hadn’t thought about how he could talk to Harry outside of the letters. He only saw him in person when he was at Potion’s class. “Not in class...” he said slowly, not sure where Harry wanted to go with this.

Harry shrugged nonchalantly. “Of course,” he replied, “We wouldn’t want people getting the wrong idea, would we? It’s not like we’re friends or anything. Right Severus?” He gave the Professor a toothy grin.

Severus struggled to suppress a smile. Shaking off the impulse, he regained his cool demeanor and nodded slightly. “Yes, we wouldn’t want that. Now then, Harry, I think you should get to class.”

“Yeah,” Harry agreed, turning to go. Before leaving, he looked over his shoulder, his eyes sparkling with a joke known only to him. “And Severus,” he called, “You can smile, you know. I won’t tell a soul.” With that, he took off down the hall towards his Transfiguration class.

Then Severus did something crazy. Something completely out of character. Something incredible.

He smiled.

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What do you mean you didn’t have any friends when you were younger? You’re famous; the bloody savior of the world. How could you not have any friends? Your loyalty to your friends is astounding. It’s hard to believe you had no friends, but if it is true, then I can actually relate to you for once, Harry.

Harry smiled slightly. An inkblot was here, as if Severus had hesitated in writing Harry’s first name.

I didn’t really have many friends when I was younger. In fact, I didn’t have any. As I’m sure you remember from your little trip in my pensieve, I was tormented during my school years. Maybe that’s on of the reasons why I joined the Dark Lord. It was a place that offered to notice me and acknowledge my skill and my existence. It was a mistake, of course, but I was young. At the time, all I wanted was to be accepted.

Not even my family could do that for me. My father was violent and drunk most of the time. My parents fought a lot and, though my mother was kindly, kindness could not save her when my father decided to take his rage out on her.

People do such strange things for attention. I admit I also wanted power, but not so desperately as many fellow Death Eaters. Sometimes I wish I could take a time turner and change what I did, but then I wouldn’t have become a spy; a position that has turned out very useful in this war; if you can call it that.

I made a promise to you not to write long letters. I can’t break that, although I already am, so I’ll go for now.

-Severus

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It’s true. I didn’t have friends. I had to live with my muggle aunt and uncle and they hate wizards. They used to lock me in a cupboard for most of the day until I got my Hogwarts letter. They then gave me my cousin’s second bedroom. They tried to make it like I didn’t exist. My cousin, Dudley, would beat me up, so no one liked me because they were afraid of him.

I am truly sorry for what my dad did to you, but I suppose that won’t make you feel any better about it. What he did was horrible. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I didn’t want to.

Why did you think there would be acceptance in Voldemort’s ranks? Did you really think that it would make you important? I understand that, actually. He offered for me to join him during first year. I was tempted. The ability to be powerful, to finally be someone big and important. I denied him. I couldn’t do that, not after what he had done to my parents. But I was tempted. Even if it was just for a split second; and I felt horrible about it.

When I found out that you were one. I was shocked. I had always thought you were “evil” in attitude, but to actually be in such a horrible group, I didn’t think you would do that. I understand, like I said. But still… it’s just so strange.

I’ve always believed you were good. I haven’t completely trusted you until recently, but I always knew that you were on our side. You done so many things. I know about when you saved me from my broom spazzing out in first year. Then there’s the potion for Lupin, Occlumency (sorry I wasn’t too good at it), and even when Dumbledore said you went looking for me when I went off the Ministry. I really do appreciate everything. I’ve never said that before.

So maybe I should say it now. Something I should have told you a long time ago.

Thank you.

And as for long letters. I like them, so please, if you want, write long ones.

-Harry

Harry sat down his quill and looked at his letter, contemplating what he had just written. It was so personal. It was not at all how he had ever expected to talk to Severus Snape. He was the mean, gloomy Potion’s Professor who had hated him for years, and he was writing to him like he would his friends.

The man had just told him about his past; about becoming a Death Eater. Not in detail, but the fact that he had said anything about it surprised Harry a great deal. The fact that Severus had been so open made him want to do the same thing. Harry found himself being more honest with Severus than he was with anyone, even Ron and Hermoine. And he wanted to be that way. He wanted to tell Severus everything down to his last thought; but why? What in the world had possessed him to want to spill his guts to the teacher?

Something was strange. It was just a little off, and Harry knew it. He didn’t quite understand it, but he knew he liked it, even if it was somewhat intimidating.

But life is intimidating. That doesn’t mean you stop living.

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Severus sat down Harry’s letter softly and took a swig of fire whiskey. Putting a hand under his chin, he sat pensively for a moment. Harry had stepped into dangerous, personal territory in this letter. However, Severus had asked for it. By mentioning his choice to become a Death Eater, he had opened up the possibility of some very deep subjects. Obviously, Harry was willing to talk about it, but was he, Severus, ready?

Severus sighed. Why had he allowed access to such dark information? He wanted to talk to Harry about it. He enjoyed having someone to listen to him and to listen to; but it wasn’t such a good idea. There were some things that Harry didn’t know. Was it smart to tell him those things? The boy already had enough on his plate as it was. It wasn’t fair to add to the load on his shoulders.

Then again, Harry had given approval to the discussion by giving his own truths. Had he really been treated like that by his family? That was terrible. Severus scowled. Did the Headmaster know about this? Probably not, or his Golden Boy would have been out of that household faster than you could say “boresnog”.

So the Dark Lord had offered for Harry to join him? That didn’t surprise him. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Befriend the child and then you don’t have to fight him. Harry is no longer a child, and, knowing this, the Dark Lord can no longer try to take such a path. He has made Harry suffer for years now. Yet somehow, Harry has always managed to find a way out of every situation. It’s like he is destined to live forever, but maybe he is.

Severus picked up his quill and began to write on a fresh sheet of parchment.

Living with muggles? That’s torture in its own, I’m sure. Have you ever told the Headmaster about the cupboard? That’s not something you keep secret, Harry. I won’t tell him if you don’t want me to, but I’m not comfortable with it. I’ve had similar things happen to me, however, so I do understand why you would want to keep it secret, especially with your status.

No need to apologize for what your father did to me. You weren’t even alive when it happened. I know I’m not fair to treat you badly for what he did to me. It’s just difficult, if you can understand that.

I did truly believe that I could be important if I joined the Dark Lord. I thought I would be accepted because I was exceptionally gifted in the dark arts, as you know, and I would be of great use to them. I’m actually one of his valued Death Eaters. I was accepted, just not in the way that I wanted.

I’m glad you did not accept his offer. It would have been torture for you. It would have been a more horrible Hell than you could ever imagine.

I won’t ask how you know about some of those things, but you don’t need to thank me. I will continue to protect you until my dying day. You mean everything to Albus, and therefore I will protect you. He saved me when I was lower than I could possibly get. I owe him my soul.

That’s not the only reason. I don’t think that you deserve to die. It’s not fair that all of this was handed to you when you were just a baby. I don’t understand how you handle it all, honestly.

Severus dropped the quill as a sudden pain ripped through his left arm. Gritting his teeth, he groaned. “Great,” he hissed. Standing up he looked at the letter and paused. He quickly grabbed his quill and finished it.

Calling for a house elf, he gave it the letter and set off for the end of the anti apparition wards.

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Harry had been confused when a house elf had popped up with his letter from Severus. They had always exchanged them by use of class assignments and such, but they had never sent them to boldly. After a great deal of questioning from his dormmates, Harry pulled his bed curtains closed and understood the strange letter as soon as he read the last few lines.

I can’t write any more. I’ve just been summoned by the Dark Lord. I’m sure you know what this means. I must leave now, so I’ll send you the letter with a house elf. Please tell no one.

-Severus

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The next day, Severus was nowhere to be found. Potions class was cancelled and the students began to whisper. Harry felt strangely worried and found himself glancing up at the staff table quite a few times.

Harry was out of his mind, though he didn’t show it, by the third day that Severus was gone. Had he been killed? Was he discovered? Where was he?

Harry was absolutely mortified by his worry, but he had to do something. Ignoring the questions from Ron and Hermoine, he went to see Dumbledore.

“Come in Harry,” Dumbledore said genially, “What can I do for you my boy?”

“I was wondering sir,” Harry started, shifting his feet uncomfortably, “If you know where Professor Snape is. He’s been gone for three days now. Potions class has been cancelled and everything.”

Dumbledore smiled. “I’ve never known you to like Potions Harry.”

Harry began to sweat. “I was just curious. I mean, was he discovered or something?”
Dumbledore frowned. “No, he wasn’t.”

“Then what happened to him? Is he back yet?”

“Harry, I think you should let him rest for a while,” Dumbledore said gently, “I know you’ve become close to him over the time of your letters-“

“I’m not close to him!” Harry interrupted. Then he stopped. “Wait… he’s back?”

Dumbledore’s eyes twinkled, but he remained silent.

Without another word. Harry took off towards the dungeons.

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My my. What has happened to Severus? Well I’m not going to tell you. You’ll just have to wait. But Harry seems quite worried doesn’t he? Strange. Tee hee hee.

Gods, I’m weird.