Finding Love

AN: The end approaches . . . please consider taking a moment to review! Even a simple "Thank you!" means a lot!

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The light was blinding, piercing through Severus' closed eyelids and the remnants of sleep. Moving to block the light hurt just as much. Melodious music reached his ears and continued to ring through the pounding of his head. A stream of curses and spells were voiced through his raw throat in attempts to quell the light and noise. Nothing changed. The action of rolling over muted their effects, but increased the pounding of his head.

His hands grabbed the covers and pulled them over. With a whoosh of air, they were pulled back. He tried to bury his face further into the pillow, thinking that death by suffocation would end his agony. Something pushed him to roll over onto his back. New curses were muttered and the light burned through his eyelids and the pounding inside his head matched the volume of the music still echoing. Waves of air began beating against him as he flailed his arms. He tried to roll over, seeking relief from the sensory overload, but instead, rolled out of bed and landed on the floor.

With a groan, he pulled himself into a sitting position and sent a silent incendio to the closest candle. The bright light diminished, allowing the dim candlelight to take over. He managed to crack open an eye and glare at the source of the rude awakening. Fawkes was perched on his dresser, preening his feathers as if he belonged there.

Blast! He thought. The fool sent his pet to make sure I come to his brunch . . . again! Groaning as a wave of nausea hit, he managed to hoist himself up to sit on the edge of the bed. It was tempting to just fall back, to let sleep overtake . . . so tempting . . . Bugger! he thought, realizing Fawkes had moved to take up space on his bed. A string of swearing directed at the phoenix only made it ruffle its feathers and nudge at him.

“All right,” Severus grumbled, getting to his feet and stumbling into the bathrooms. One hangover potion returned most of his functioning ability, although he saw double while taking his shower and wasn’t sure that he actually scrubbed himself clean. The steamy heat of the water was quite relaxing, nearly succeeding in sending him back to sleep, but Fawkes suddenly appeared in the shower. Severus let another string of curses fly at the bird, along with the bar of soap, the bottle of shampoo and his backscrubber while frantically trying to cover himself.

“Thank Merlin!” he muttered when the phoenix was finally out of the bathroom. He quickly dried off and donned boxers and a t-shirt. Fawkes was sitting on his bed, watching him. “Will you leave?” he muttered, opening his closet. “Your task is done. I am awake and I am coming.” A soft “pop” and a rush of air meant Fawkes had left.

Severus sighed as he pulled his clothes on, contemplating a second dose of the hangover potion as his stomach rebelled at the thought of food and conversation. Random thoughts ran through his mind as his body worked automatically with the clothes. There were essays to read, preparations to make for the week’s lessons, journals to read for the latest research . . . enough to make the day pass by peacefully. The haze of firewhiskey still hung in his mind, obscuring those memories of the previous night. He reached for them, but they eluded him.

Sunday brunch in Dumbledore’s office wasn’t “officially” required as part of this teaching position or as Head of Slytherin, but Dumbledore expected him to attend at least once a month. It was another part of his “social” excursions.

The arrangements were always the same. Dumbledore would greet him and the others, spending a few minutes chatting as everyone took their seat. Dumbledore was at the head of the table. Flitwick and Sprout sat on one side. McGonagall, Pomfrey and himself sat on the other. Today, however, the normally empty place across from Severus was occupied with a place setting. It appeared someone else was expected at the moment; however, that person was late.

There was a predictable routine to the brunch. Flitwick would direct the pouring of the coffee and pumpkin juice. Pomfrey and Sprout would start discussing the state of various healing plants in the greenhouses. McGonagall would start discussing her observations of particular students when Pomfrey and Sprout were finished. Flitwick would send the serving plates floating around once everyone had their drinks. The conversation would flow from one person to the next, each speaking their thoughts, although Severus usually never said much. When the plates would disappear, Severus would excuse himself to the comforts elsewhere in the castle.

Today, however, the routine was quickly broken with a loud knock, followed by a noisy squeak of the office door opening. “I’m sorry I’m late,” a voice called out. Severus stabbed his fork at his plate in surprise, missing the bite of sausage he was going for. “Peeves was rather bothersome in the third floor corridor,” Remus said as he approached the table, shrugging his cloak off.

Dumbledore simply nodded and gestured to the empty place. He quickly swallowed the bite of food in his mouth before speaking. “It’s good to see you back in England, Remus.”

“It’s good to be back,” Remus said, the relief evident in his voice as he sat down. Pleasantries were exchanged and the conversation halted until Remus had his drinks and a full plate of food. Severus had merely nodded in greeting, but felt drawn to his soft gaze. There was something in those eyes, something he didn’t want to see. He remained silent as the other professors continued their conversation about the current state of Hogwarts students. Both Remus and Severus sat in silence; Remus because he had nothing to contribute and Severus because he didn’t want to contribute.

As the food disappeared, the conversation soon turned to Remus and his work abroad. Severus learned he had been in the Russian wilderness, helping the wizarding authorities there in tracking down a rogue pack of werewolves that had attacked an orphanage. He had continued living in the werewolf colonies after the war had ended in order to find the pack’s leader. Severus remained silent throughout the conversation – the other professors had enough questions to ask to keep it moving.

The more their eyes met during the conversation, the more those hazy images of the previous night returned to his mind. He wanted desperately to clear that alcohol-induced fog; to know why this Dark creature across from him kept a knowing gleam in his eyes. He did not like losing control of his mind, to have memories unavailable for his perusal.

“What did you miss the most, Remus?” McGonagall asked.

“Oh, many things,” Remus calmly replied. “Good tea and biscuits . . . firewhiskey . . . “

Firewhiskey. Those foggy memories suddenly cleared, rushing back with the force of a bludger. The Hogs Head. A bottle of firewhiskey. Conversation. He knew. The Shrieking Shack. That kiss. The room suddenly cooled as he realized Remus knew he was gay. He kept his face neutral despite the anger inside himself, seeing that knowing gleam still in those eyes. Damn! As if he and his friends didn’t embarrass me enough as a student, he’s now going to do it when I’m a teacher! he thought.

Severus had kept his life controlled and orderly. Like his classroom, chambers and laboratory, everything had a place and everything was in its place. He controlled information about himself just as much as everything else. His personal life wasn’t information that others needed to know. He successfully hid his half-blood parentage and, until now, he hid this abnormality. What an embarrassment this would be! The Potions master of Hogwarts is gay! As if the Dark Mark made finding work difficult enough, being known as gay would only make it worse.

The plates disappeared and a fresh pot of coffee appeared. Severus refused a refill and made a quick escape, stating his need to prepare for the week’s lessons. He didn’t want to be around when Remus let his secret slip. Whether public or private, embarrassment wasn’t something he handled well.

He stopped at the storeroom for the ingredients to replenish the supply cabinet in the classroom. Once the cabinet was restocked and returned to its orderly status, he headed back to his chambers. His mind focused on finishing the grading of essays with a good cup of tea while his feet automatically walked the hallways.

“Hello, Severus,” that calm voice said from the shadows.

Damn! Severus thought, seeing the man leaning against the door to his chambers. His eyes sparkled in the darkness of the hallway. “Lupin,” he muttered, glaring at him. “Come to embarrass me in private? Or are you waiting-”

“Enough, Severus,” Remus firmly said, stepping forward to meet his gaze. “I . . . wanted to make sure you were okay, after last night.”

“I do not need your concern, Lupin,” he hissed, closing his eyes. Fear, anger and loathing mixed together, but another feeling was edging in. One that he fought against, but he could feel his control slowly slipping. He took a deep breath before opening his eyes. “As you can see, I am all right. Now, goodbye. I have more important matters-“

He never finished his sentence. Remus had stepped forward to stand nose-to-nose with him. That warm, auburn gaze met a dark, haunted one. “I’m not here to embarrass you, Severus,” Remus whispered.

Remus leaned forward, his lips lightly brushing one cheek, causing Severus’ breathing to hitch in reaction. He fought his body for control, suppressing the moan that wanted to escape as Remus planted a gentle kiss where his jaw met his ear. Remus purred quietly as his nose dug in behind Severus’ ear, inhaling deeply.

Severus gasped at the feel of a tongue licking his ear. His eyes grew wide as that tongue slid down his neck, sending sparks flying through his body. His mind wanted to shut everything off, to close up and retreat, but his body had other ideas.

His hands gripped the other man’s robes as their lips finally found each other. He felt those long fingers threading through his hair, massaging and plying for more. The kiss broke with Severus gasping for breath, his heartbeat pounding in his ears.

Severus pulled back to take in the soft expression on Remus’ pale face. Thos warm eyes shone brightly in the dim hallway. Those full lips curved in a slight grin. Even the pallor of the approaching full moon seemed to give off a new radiance.

Logic returned as he quickly let go and stepped back. “What do you want?” he sneered. “I swear by Merlin, I will find out how you invaded my mind and –“

“No, I have not!” Remus replied, clearly indignant.

“I will make your life as miserable as you and your insufferable friends made mine!”

“Severus,” he calmly said, “I told you last night. I can smell it on you. I give you my word: I have never used Legilimency on you or anyone.”

Severus narrowed his eyes. “Show me,” he quietly said, his gaze easily piercing the mind of the werewolf. Remus managed a short nod without breaking the gaze. Severus quickly found himself in a swirl of memories in the werewolf’s mind. That prank and that night in seventh year were shoved aside. Other memories surfaced and Severus searched quickly, looking for traces of Legilimency. His frustration grew as more memories were shoved aside, showing that Remus was telling the truth. The last memory - their conversation at the Shrieking Shack – was examined closely before Snape drew back.

Swearing under his breath and blinking madly, Snape focused on his door and unlocked it. “How?” he muttered, unwilling to meet the gaze of the man standing next to him.

“My condition . . . makes my senses extremely acute,” Remus stated. “I can smell each person’s scent and the scents of those they allow to be physically close. It’s hard to describe, but I know each scent and the parts that make up that scent.” He smiled softly. “It’s why potions was never my strong point – too many smells to block, which took most of my focus.”

“What is your price, Lupin?” he muttered, walking into his chambers. “What is the cost of your silence?”

Remus followed, standing in the doorway. “No price, Severus,” he calmly said. “I’ve kept your secret as you have kept mine. I think that makes it even.”

Severus felt uncomfortable. There was something he was missing, something just out of his grasp. “Besides,” Remus quickly said, “I’m a werewolf. Who would believe me? There’s not much trust in information from a Dark creature, even embarrassing information.” Severus nodded in agreement of this assessment as a wave of his hand closed the door behind Remus. He didn’t need the possibility of a wandering student to stumble across his open door and hear this conversation. Hell, he thought, I don’t even want one of the other professors to come to the door.

They faced each other. Remus leaned casually against the closed door, his arms folded across his chest. Severus stood just steps away, his hands balled into fists at his sides. A steady gaze developed, broken only by the necessity of blinking. Even their steady breathing did not mar the silence hanging in the dimly-lit chambers.

Remus finally broke the silence. “I have always had feelings – strong feelings – for you, Severus,” he said. His voice was barely a whisper, but seemed louder in that silence.

Severus stared at the Gryffindor, his dark eyes matching the intensity seen in those auburn ones. He saw those eyes filled with feelings he had suppressed. Love. Care. Concern. He felt his carefully-controlled mind slipping, memories of Hogwarts breaking through the barrier he had created long ago.

A friendship had existed between the Gryffindor and Slytherin, one that wasn’t seen by the other students – if the staff knew, they said nothing. They shared numerous memories together – more than anyone probably knew. Severus remembered their many conversations deep in the library, where Madam Pince would let them talk undisturbed among the stacks. He remembered the many times he ended up in the hospital wing after receiving a bad hex or jinx and how Remus always managed to visit.

It was a friendship he had thought ended on that fateful night in seventh year. Seeing this man before him, seeing that gaze still holding the remorse, regret and love shattered those thoughts. Time had not dulled that gaze, nor the friendship that went with it. Yet, there was more to it. As much as he had tried to deny it, he couldn’t. There were feelings inside him – strong feelings – for the man.

Realization of just how much he missed having someone care washed over Severus. The hole created when he buried those memories had never filled. All these years, it remained open, waiting for that piece to return. That piece was in front of him, now stepping closer.

Severus closed his eyes as an internal battle brewed. The control that he maintained and was comforting to him was vanishing. His mind of logic and reasoning wanted to stop that; to get the control back. However, his body’s primitive needs for love and acceptance overruled anything his mind had to say. His breathing became erratic and his heart began racing at the feel of long fingers massaging his throat as they had done before.

Severus hissed as he shoved logic and reasoning aside, allowing his body to take over. A low groan escaped from him with the sensations running through him. A pair of soft, wet lips met his ear as a silky voice whispered in it. “Your scent,” Remus growled, his nose digging behind the ear, “is so enticing.”

Severus managed to open his eyes, though just barely. “Remus,” he whispered, his hands grabbing the hips of the other man. Anything else he wanted to say was lost as lips met in a bruising kiss. Passion rose faster than a bubbling cauldron, finally exploding into flames like a phoenix.

Those long fingers found the clasps to his robes and made quick work of opening them. Severus shrugged out of the garment, regretting the momentary break in contact between his hands and that man’s insistent body. Habit made him silently send it back to its spot among the others. He felt the vibration of the man’s laughter against his face. “Everything in its place,” Remus whispered as one hand threaded through that black mane while the other pulled Severus closer.

Severus responded with a low growl as his hands maintained a firm grip on the man. “Of course,” he whispered, suppressing another growl as Remus found a particularly sensitive spot on his neck. The air shimmered with magic as he felt the levitation spell take effect. To walk would mean to break contact and neither his body nor his mind would allow that. The years of suppressed passion were pouring out through his body. Every nerve felt electrified, amplifying the lightest touch to a level of unheard pleasure.

Shoes and socks came off before feet hit the floor. Remus chuckled again, quirking an eyebrow as Severus’ socks went to the laundry basket, the shoes to the wardrobe, the wall sconces lit and the bed clothes pulled themselves back.

“Just habit,” Severus said, taking a step back and smiling softly at the light tint to the man’s pale face. He brushed a strand of hair away from those dark eyes, feeling the crackling of magic between them. Their lips met again, the feeling of their magic combining and exploding into passion.

Clothing became barriers to overcome. Hands worked quickly to undo buttons and clasps, pulling at shirt sleeves and pushing at waistbands. Fingers grazing bare skin created deep, guttural moans. Hips met roughly, bodies seeking that friction of release. Lips moved, ghosting over sweat-slicked skin. Tongues snaked out, licking and soothing the spots nipped by teeth.

Another levitation spell eased them into the large bed. Severus groaned in ecstasy of the hard man pressing him into the soft mattress. He let the pleasurable feelings invade every part of his being, enjoying each and every one. His groan was matched by Remus when Severus found those sensitive spots on the man’s body.

Release was close – agonizingly close. Eyes began losing their ability to focus, becoming glazed. Muscles began spasming, developing a rhythm of their own. Hands roamed, pushing and pulling, seeking the closest contact possible. Lips met, greedily tasting the other. Sounds of panting, growling and groaning broke the silence.

In blinding light, the peak was reached. Stars danced before their eyes as they joined together in completion. The echo of racing heartbeats rang out in the silence. Sensations both pleasurable and painful raced along raw nerves.

Severus felt Remus shift onto his side. The haze of complete relaxation began to spread in his body. New feelings of comfort emerged in the soft glow of candles. Those scarred hands gently pushed strands of sweat-soaked black hair out of the way as auburn eyes gazed into his dark ones.

He felt the pull of that gaze, finally accepting the love it held. It was love and it was just for him. He wanted Remus to know that he had found that feeling – love – and that it was just for the werewolf. He wanted him to know how strong those feelings were. He wanted him to know how much he had missed the man. Yet, his voice wouldn’t allow it. A soft murmur, the words indecipherable, escaped in its place.

“I love you, too,” Remus whispered. With bodies entwined, sleep overtook the lovers.


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AN: That's all . . . now, could I get some reviews? I'd like to post more stories/other stories, but how can I do that if I don't know what you like or don't like in this one? Please review?!