*Deserving Of Love*

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The rest of the day was spent trying to avoid each other, yet be in the same room with everyone else to avoid questions later. It seemed like everyone was busy with something, but were watching both Remus and Tonks simultaneously.

Hermione and Ginny were looking over their school lists with Molly, making a plan of attack for Diagon Alley the following day. Molly kept looking over and smiling at Tonks, who had her face buried in a book on the sofa opposite Remus. Ginny and Hermione would occasionally look up at their Professor and blush deeply before returning to their task.
Ron and Harry were playing Wizards Chess, but kept whispering and looking at their old Professor with a new found respect because they both thought Tonks was amazing, and they could not believe he could get a girl that much younger than him.
Fred and George were huddled together under the large window, undoubtedly coming up with a whole new line of joke candies and pranks, but kept looking at Tonks with absolute adoration, and throwing jealous glances at Remus.
Sirius could not stop watching Remus as he pretended to read a very thick novel of Italian love poetry. He finally said something when he noticed that it had been quite awhile since Remus had last turned the page.

“Good book?”

“Yes.”

“You have not turned the page in the last ten minutes. Is it extremely tiny print or do you have something else on your mind? A certain young metamorphmagi by chance?”
Remus quickly turned the page and buried his head further into his book, hissing to a very amused Sirius that they’d talk about it later.

This continued until Molly practically forced the kids outside, leaving the four adults in much needed peace and quiet. Molly went to get started on dinner, and Tonks insisted on helping her, even though she was a complete disaster when it came to cooking. Molly tried to beg her not to bother, reminding her of the mound of broken dishes and flying silverware that had resulted in Tonks’ last attempt at cooking, but Tonks insisted and followed her briskly out of the library. They could be heard arguing over the fact that a steak knife was still stuck in the brick wall of the fireplace before their voices finally trailed off completely.
Sirius and Remus were then left alone in complete silence and Sirius grabbed the book away from his friend abruptly.

“Ok Moony. What the bloody hell happened this afternoon between you and my little cousin?”

Remus sighed and got up to pour himself a drink. He poured a large Firewhiskey and swallowed it in one big gulp. He poured two more and carried one to Sirius and sat down next to his friend.

“We bumped into each other earlier. She tripped and I caught her, and that is all you need to know.”

“Ok… then how do you explain the unbuttoned shirt, the smell of her perfume all over you, and the bite marks on the side of her neck?”

Remus’s eyes went wide at this and he nearly dropped his Firewhiskey.
“I was positive I got rid of all of the bite marks…”

“You did. I just made that up. So there was biting, eh?”
Sirius howled in laughter as Remus hid his red face in his hand. Sirius always managed to set him up; he always knew exactly what to ask to get Remus to fall into revealing everything.

‘Damn it,’ he thought, staring into his Firewhiskey, ‘he better not interrogate Nymphadora like this.’
“Ok. Listen. We simply bumped into each other, and things just kind of happened. End of story. I’m not giving you any details, and I absolutely forbid you to ask her about this. She is already embarrassed enough and I do not want a bunch of questions to scare her away.”

Remus looked into his Firewhiskey glass and thought about what had transpired earlier. He had waited for that moment for months now. Every time he was near her he wanted to grab her and kiss her deeply, and today, it finally happened. He was positive that if they were the only two in the house, they would be laying naked in each others arms right now, completely sated and exhausted from making love for hours on end. He still wasn’t convinced that he deserved what had happened to him, and he was terrified that she would realize it too. His thoughts were interrupted by Sirius placing his hand on his arm.

“Alright. I will not mention it again. And I will not say anything to her. But one last thing; you do deserve to be happy Remus. I can see it all over your face that you think that you do not deserve her. But you do. You are too hard on yourself. Do not overanalyze this and start doubting her actions; if you do you will lose her. Accept your good fortune, just this once, without questioning where it comes from.”


After dinner Remus excused himself and made his way to the study to continue his work, knowing that he could not handle sitting in the library with everyone pretending not to watch him for hours on end. He finally finished writing up his report on a new potion similar to Wolfsbane when the clock in the hall sounded ten. Yawning, he extinguished the candle next to him and made his way out of the study. He heard voices coming from the library and made his way to see if Sirius was up for a nightcap. He paused before entering when he heard Sirius and Molly speaking about him.

“… Remus is a fantastic man and she would be extremely lucky to have him. I just hope that she appreciates the person he is and can look past his affliction. And I do not mean the lycanthropy. I mean his constant need to push people away. I’m sure you’ve noticed it, Molly. Nobody likes being hurt, but Remus is an artist at the avoidance of human emotional contact."

He heard Molly sigh deeply and edged closer to the door to hear them better, being careful not to make a sound.
“She is going to have to work to keep him from pushing her away, and I hope, for both their sakes, that she succeeds in holding on to him. It takes a strong, patient woman to hold onto a man who constantly pushes people away. Let us hope that she cares about him enough to not be scared away by him. And let’s hope that he has sense enough to realize that he does deserve her.”

“It is not going to be easy for him. The last woman he loved was Lily Potter. He completely let her slip through his fingers because he was afraid that she would end up rejecting him. And after Lily married James, it seemed like he just built these walls around himself. I do not think she ever knew how much he loved her…”

Remus turned at this last remark and placed his head against the cool wall of the hallway.

He did not like to think of Lily; and not just because her and James had been murdered so viciously.

He did not like to think of her because she was the only woman he had ever really loved.
And he lost her because he was too afraid to tell her how he felt.

Looking back on it, he was positive she felt something for him too; when they would spend time alone together she would always find some way to touch him, or she would watch his mouth as he talked, leaning in closely to catch his every last word. He could also feel her watching him as they studied or sat in class together. She would blush and turn away quickly to hide her smile when he would suddenly look up and find those green eyes staring at him.

And there was that one night that she kissed him.
They were the only two in the library, and were both huddled over a text on ancient potions when he noticed that her face was mere inches from his. She looked up when he did, and she closed her eyes and moved closer, pressing her full lips against his. He couldn’t think at that moment; they may have been young, but he knew instantly that he loved her. She apprehensively brushed her tongue against his lower lip and he slowly met her tongue with his, but he had to fight to keep himself from grabbing and crushing her against him. In their nervousness they moved together to fast, clicking their teeth together harshly. They pulled away for a brief minute and laughed sheepishly before trying again. Gaining confidence as her breathing grew heavier and her arms wrapped around his neck, Remus gently placed his hands on Lily’s hips. He wanted to pull her against him and hold her tightly against his chest, but a small voice told him that it was wrong, that he was not good enough for the girl in his arms.
James also came to his mind; he knew James had wanted her, and he could not bring himself to hurt his best friend by stealing her away from him. There was no chance that he could truly make her happy – he was too afraid that he would hurt her during one of his transformations, or that she would become an outcast like him if they did try and have a future together. If that happened, he wasn’t sure he could ever forgive himself.
So as painful as it was, he pulled away from her kiss, grabbed his books and ran, leaving a broken-hearted Lily alone in the library.

He did not want to hurt her, but rejecting her was the only way he could make her stop pursuing him. If she thought that he did not want her, she would not want him; it was the easiest way about it.

After that night he started to distance himself from her, and they never talked about it, both individually deciding that they were better as friends. But he did not realize what an absence he had left in her life – Remus was the one who Lily went to with a problem, he was the one who she could hold an intelligent conversation with (one that did not revolve around quidditch), and most importantly, he liked her for the fact that she was intelligent and gifted, and not just for her looks.
But when he ran out of the library that night, they lost that special bond. They began only hanging out in groups and did not spend time alone again. She missed her best friend, and felt that she had ruined their friendship by taking the chance and kissing him.

But James was there to fill the void, and she fell in love with him.

The day that James married Lily was the saddest and happiest day of Remus’s life. He was ecstatic for his best friend for marrying the girl he had always loved, the girl who had turned him from an immature bully into a considerate caring man; but at the same time he was completely miserable because he wasn’t the one she was vowing to spend the rest of her life with. And he was the only one to blame for that. He lived day in, day out with the knowledge that he gave up the one woman he had ever loved because he was afraid to tell her how he felt, afraid that he would get his fragile heart broken. He was afraid that sweet Lily Evans - understanding, loving, and intelligent Lily - would reject him because of an uncontrollable condition that forced him to turn into a monster every month; even though she made it clear to him that she felt the same way. So he rejected her instead, and never allowed anyone to get close to him since.

It got even worse after Lily and James’s death, and Peter Pettigrew’s apparent murder by Sirius. In a very short time Remus had lost everyone he had loved, and the only people who had accepted him the way he was. The pain and loneliness he felt during those times were unbearable, and he never let anyone get close to him again.

Until now.

Tonks had somehow broken through the stone wall he had built around himself, and he forgot how good it felt to feel something for a woman again. He sighed and pulled himself away from the wall to make his way to his room. He saw Tonks at the top of the stairs, heading to her room as well, sloshing the contents of a teacup all over the landing. She winked at him slyly as she disappeared into her room, pausing slightly before closing her door to leave him with a great view of her tight jean-clad bottom. He wanted to knock on her door and continue where they had left off earlier, but instead he turned and slowly pushed open the heavy door of his room. He noticed a note on the floor on the other side of the door; he quickly closed the door and picked it up, tearing it open carefully. In Tonk’s unmistakable handwriting, the note read:

“Remus,
Eleven thirty. Your room. I have that surprise for you.
Nymphadora”

‘She signed her first name,’ thought Remus.
‘She hates her first name. I’m the only one who can even call her that. I’m the only one who can call her that. She hexes anyone else who even tries.’

He was the only one who could call her by her first name. If anyone else even joked with her about it, she would hex them faster than they could even blink. When Fred and George first met her they incessantly called her by her first name and she made it so they could not talk at all except in Echo’s for three days. She finally grew sick of having to listen to Ron and Harry constantly making the twins tell them that they were the best quidditch players in the world, and turned them back to normal.

Nobody in this house had ever called her by her real first name again.
Except Remus. She liked the way it rolled off his tongue, and told him that he could call her Nymphadora all he wanted, as long as no one else was around. He smiled at that thought and flicked his wand at the fire place where a hearty flame suddenly shot up. He grabbed a book off of his night table and sat down in an old green armchair to read as he waited for eleven thirty to roll around.